Title: Reva's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
By: Commasplice103
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairings: Reva/Natalia, Olivia/Natalia, Emma/Interrupting, Jane/Unemployment, Blake/Dor... did you really keep reading past Reva/Natalia?
Rating: Please be a legal adult. I mean, it only has whiffs of-R, but it makes me feel better.
Disclaimer1: Reader assumes full responsibility for any urges to administer bleach to their own glistening orbs.
Disclaimer 2: written to squick out Shaych03
Notes:…Assume Otalia, assume Jeffery got back from his inept Edmund chasing, and assume the Dinah/Deadmund crap didn't happen
Notes 2: Sorry for the wonky line spacing. Slight Crackfic.
BETA by the wonderful Listener15
-oOo-
Upon his return to town Jeffery O'Neil had received the welcome and embracement that he had expected, and some behavior that he hadn't expected.
In fact, before he could even get his bearings, Jonathan, Shane, Matt, Billy, Josh, Dinah, Ashlee, and three random Springfield plumbers had all specifically come up to Jeffery to inform (if not flat out warn) him that Reva had taken his "death" rather hard. They each cautioned that she was going to need a lot of leeway and T.L.C., and quite possibly a lot of therapy, as she adjusted to things getting back to normal.
He was slowly beginning to understand what they were talking about as his wife roughly roused him awake on a Saturday with a sharp, "That's it!"
All Jeffrey could manage with his brain trying so hard to cling to sleep was, "Huh?"
"We're moving."
"Huh?"
She started to get out of bed. "I'm going to go see Blake, or Matt – They both have their real estate licenses still. Do you have a preference in real-estate agents?" She flung the covers from her side of the bed and kissed his cheek before starting to get dressed. "You need to shave. "
"Huh?"
"Have a cup of coffee and find a new word, Jeffery. We're going house shopping. Soon. Maybe tomorrow," she said. "Dinah and Shane are going to need a home of their own. They should live here, and we can get a new place. One that's all our own."
Jeffery shook his head trying to wake himself fully, and considered what his wife had apparently decided in her sleep last night. He didn't want to move. He was not particularly enthused at the thought of packing, moving, and purchasing a new place. But, then again, it would be nice to live in a house that didn't have the names of his wife and her ex- husband carved in the mantel surrounded by a heart and '4 ever' staring him in the face day in and day out.
"I'm leaving Colin with you. He'll be asleep for another hour or so," she yelled and then slammed the door.
He thought about stopping her and trying to have a real conversation about moving. The tone of her voice, though, indicated that moving would be easier than convincing Reva to stay.
"Okay," he said to an empty room. "I guess we're moving."
"This town is going to hell in a hand-basket," Reva Shane shouted at no one in particular as she stormed into the middle of Company.
"Okay," Buzz said, watching her as she scanned the room with seething anger. She threw a speeding ticket down on the counter.
"I need coffee."
Buzz shouldered his kitchen towel and sighed. "Reva, all summer you've been telling me not to sell you anything with caffeine in it because you've been having trouble sleeping."
"Is there something about 'I need coffee' that is hard to understand?"
Buzz sighed. "You also told me that when you did get to sleep that my coffee gave you nightmares."
"Just give me the damn coffee, Buzz."
He winced. "Unfortunately, we only have decaf. Marina threw the five pound bag of caffeinated grounds at a rat this morning when we were unpacking the delivery from the truck."
"At a raccoon!" Marina yelled from the kitchen.
"At a raccoon, and it broke open. I can give you tea or decaf."
"You've got to be kidding me. How hard is it to clean it up and brew some
coffee?" Reva stood, hands on her hips, tapping her foot.
"Reva," he sighed. "I can't serve you rat-coffee."
"Raccoon!" Marina hollered.
"Look," Buzz said he thought about the options and continued. "We get another delivery at six-o-clock tonight," he said. "Or there's the Quickimart with their Folgers machine thing - plus they have plenty of that energy drink stuff."
"The machine at the Quickimart spits out fake hazelnut sludge and those energy drinks will give you a heart attack. Plus they had me towed the last time I was in there."
"You blocked their emergency exit."
"I was parked in back. My car was bothering no one."
"I thought Frank got them to waive the impound fee."
"Yeah and then this morning your peach of a son gives me another speeding ticket."
"Towers opens for lunch," he said.
"That's two hours," Reva sighed. "So, I'm going have to see Blake Marler, uncaffeninated?"
"It's Saturday morning, Reva, I'm sure Blake can do whatever it is you need at a Saturday morning pace."
"Maybe, if I wasn't interrupting her lesbian-mayor time she would."
Buzz had no idea how to respond to that so he simply closed his mouth. After a minute he had an idea. "Hey, there's always the Beacon. They have coffee for their guests in the lobby, I'm sure they'd take pity on you."
Reva's eyes lowered to slits. "You have the gall," Reva continued, "to suggest I go grovel to Olivia for coffee?"
He looked down at the ticket Reva had waved around and slammed on his counter. "You were going twenty-five miles over the limit? I know Frank's been cranky with the traffic duty but twenty-five over is pretty fast."
"You sound like your idiot son, who by the way, is threatening to impound my car again the next time he gives me a ticket," she huffed. "Forget it! I'll go find my own damn coffee if I have to grow it myself!"
The past few months had done little to soothe the tatters of Reva's twisted tail feathers.
Another husband, dead. Then, not. Edmund, dead, Then not. Her son, married. Her daughter-in-law extorting herself on television. Dealing with a colicky baby, by herself. Olivia Spencer gone crazy for lady-parts. The whole town, in fact, going crazy for the lesbians. The mayor coming out. Her granddaughter actually being accepted into college (a hippie college, but still, accepted!).
It was mayhem.
Even though she had her husband back, her children were happy, and Springfield was having a surprisingly mild, extended summer… part of her was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
She was tired of feeling that way. She wanted to cause some of the changes in her life once again. A new house would be the place to start.
She careened around the cul-de-sac where Blake lived and pulled to a stop halfway up the curb in front of the house.
The mayor's car was indeed in the driveway, as Reva predicted it would be.
Poor Blake, she thought. She felt for the woman - to be so lonely as to turn lesbian?
And for Doris Wolf at that?
Sure, entering into a relationship with Blake had done wonders for the Mayor's approval ratings (aided greatly by Blake's PR-bullshitting skills). Even Reva had to admit that the paring in and of itself added some humanity to the cold fish Mayor.
Reva supposed that companionship was companionship. She supposed that the physical stuff of the relationship would probably nice and comfortable and whatever. But she knew it was just a matter of time before Blake was going to wake up one day and miss the heat and passion of a strong man.
"To each their own," she said, shaking her head as she headed toward the door.
Thankfully, Blake was minding her hostess manners this morning, offering Reva some pastry and letting her know that coffee was brewing. So she was more than willing to tolerate the smirking mayor ensconced behind a newspaper in the armchair in the corner.
"Having a quiet weekend?" Reva asked, reminding herself to be polite.
Doris lowered her paper and smirked. "The Bowers are having a girls' sleepover so we were enjoying…" she started, as Blake cleared her throat loudly. "Clarissa is enjoying the party and we were…" Doris hummed through another one of Blake's coughs as she came in with a tray. Doris finally settled on her wording and said, "we were just relaxing."
"Well, I'm sorry if this interrupts your weekend of golf, tennis, and college softball on ESPN 40," Reva said. "But I need a three or four bedroom house, big yard, nothing too ridiculous or too modern. And I need it as soon as possible." She grabbed for the coffee mug from the tray Blake produced.
"Wow, okay," Blake said, setting a tray of coffee and some day old scones from Company on the coffee table. "I can pull a list together for you pretty quickly, I actually did a sweep of homes like this for a family recently, so I'm fairly familiar with what's on the market right now." She started to walk over to the desk to grab her laptop, but turned at the sound of raucous coughing.
"What the hell is this?" Reva said, sputtering and dabbing up the 'coffee' that she had just sprayed over Blake's coffee table. "Because it's sure as hell's not coffee."
"It's chicory," Blake said. "It's quite popular in the South..."
"So is marrying your cousin, but just because you can doesn't mean you should."
Doris mumbled something like 'didn't you marry brothers'.
"It's not bad to try something new, now is it, Reva?" Blake said.
Doris choked on her chicory.
Blake shot her a warning look.
"By the way, Reva," Doris recovered. "You're parked in front of a hydrant."
"I wasn't expecting to stay very long. Just to sign the agreement and give Blake my must-have list."
"Well, I'm just saying, you might want to move before Frank gives you a ticket - I think I see him coming down the street," Doris said. "He patrols religiously trying to pay me back for the remedial-traffic detail."
"Dammit, not again!," Reva said, grabbing her purse. "Just email Jeffery the listings as soon as you get them," she said as she ran out the door.
"Okay," Blake Marler said to the whirling dervish left in her living room that was a visit from Reva Shane. She turned her gaze back on Doris. "Do you have to wind her up? You're getting to be as bad as Olivia."
Doris smirked, slowly and then let her eyes run the length of Blake's body. "She was taking up our alone time. I thought it was a rather diplomatic way of getting her out of here, fast. Besides, I really did see Frank coming."
Reva had to take four different country roads before she shook Frank, who was no doubt waiting for another chance to make his traffic-ticket hat trick for the day.
She finally pulled into the Beacon's parking lot and went over her argument for Shane and Dinah to take possession of Cross Creek. Her son could be stubborn, and lord knew that Dinah had to have things her own way. But, they could remodel the house however they like and grow their own family in the very home where Shane was raised. Really, a house would be so much better for newlyweds needing their privacy than any hotel. Even the Beacon.
She stalked through the gleaming lobby, steadfastly ignoring the coffee station opposite the concierge desk. She barreled toward the elevator and then, through hallways of the Beacon until she came upon the progeny of Springfield's other favorite lesbian pairing.
"Hi Reva."
"Well, hello Emma." Reva said, adding a smile. "What are you doing inside on such a nice day?"
"Jane is taking me to the Bower's. We're all going swimming and there's going to be a sleepover."
"So I've heard," She said, looking up and down the hall. "So where is Jane?"
"Oh, she's talking to the new concierge downstairs. She thinks he's so cute."
Reva rolled her eyes. "I thought you all lived out on Natalia's farmhouse now," Reva said.
"We do," Emma said. "But mom said she likes to keep a room for when she needs a nap at work for times like when the rooster wakes her up too early, or when she has Natalia help her with long conference calls like today." Emma explained as she made her way to the door. "I forgot my favorite swimsuit here the last time we used the pool. So Jane brought me by."
Reva pursed her lips. Long conference calls on a Saturday? Something didn't sound right about that, she thought and just refrained from shaking her head. "Emma... did Jane call first? Maybe you should knock."
"Oh, she said we didn't need to since I have my own key card, I've had one since a long time ago when I was a little kid," Emma said, sliding her keycard in until the light blinked green, turning to show Reva that her key worked before turning the nob and starting to open the door.
As soon as Emma opened the smallest of cracks in doorway, Reva was audience to the very loud sounds that she never, ever, wanted to hear coming from Olivia Spencer, spilling out into the hallway.
Reva gasped loudly. She wanted to recoil and slam the door, but through reflexes honed through her various misadventures, she had the presence of mind to rush forward and cover Emma's eyes before the girl could be scarred for life by the view of her mother's bare ass and the - well, the only word for it would be - predatory expression on Natalia's face and hands that were...
Well, unfortunately for her, there were no available hands to cover Reva's own eyes to prevent her mind from taking in the details of the very naked and now, frozen-in-place, bodies of Emma's two mommies.
"Reva!" Emma said, exasperated. "Mom? What's wrong?" Emma asked at the sudden silence from everybody.
Reva began gently pulling Emma out of the room and put herself between the young girl and the still, slightly open door and tried to pull it shut.
"Nothing," she yelled quickly. "Nothing's wrong. Your mom and Natalia are just... exercising," she said lamely as she finished pulling Emma back out into the hall.
"What?" Emma said, looking at Reva like she had grown a horn.
"Don't worry about it," Reva said. "Look, how about you go knock on Shane and Dinah's room for me and tell them I'm here to see them, and I bet by the time you get back your mom will have your swim stuff ready for you," Reva added loud enough to carry through the entire floor.
Emma looked dubious, and completely unsure of Reva's sanity, but said, "Okay," and left down the hall.
After a minute, a terry-cloth robed Olivia found a red-faced, fuming Reva Shane leaning on the wall next to her door rubbing at her eyes as if it would remove the image of what she'd just witnessed.
She stared, monumentally amused, at the woman before laughing to announce her presence. "Exercising?" Olivia said. "Really, Reva?"
Oh, how she hated that smirk. She glared back at the grinning woman. "What did you want me to say? Emma, I just didn't want you to see your mommies going at it like rabbits in Spring."
"Jealous?"
"Puh-lease," Reva said. "You always did overcompensate for whatever it is you're missing that you kept trying to fill with other people's husbands."
"Oh Reva," Olivia said. "As you just," Olivia paused to smirk, "Witnessed, there's absolutely nothing that I'm missing, except for maybe some uninterrupted, private time." She took a deep breath smiling slowly, her eyes somewhere between toying and plotting. "There's no way I could possibly overcompensate for the effect she has on me."
Reva knew that Jeffery was always afraid of that particular look. But then again, Jeffery was pleased as a peach that not only had Olivia and Natalia become the town's newest super-couple, but that Olivia was -so- completely besotted that she likely no longer had the time to fully develop her darker powers. (He was convinced that Olivia was one double-cross away from being able to fell the likes of Luke Skywalker with only her mind and glare).
Jeffery really needed to stop watching all those sci-fi movies. Seriously, the men in this town were wimps... maybe that's what led both Blake and Natalia down this path.
"What on earth could she have possibly been doing to get you to that volume," Reva muttered to herself. "Wait, don't answer that." She shook her head deciding she really didn't want to know. "By the way, kudos to the sound proofing in this place," she said, trying to get her mind off of the new information she had about Natalia. Information that she just did not need to have. "Before Emma opened the door, no-one could tell you were trying to break the sound barrier."
Olivia stopped glaring and opened her mouth to retort, but was interrupted by a blushing Natalia.
"Um, hello Reva," she said without looking the woman in the eye. "Excuse me, I need to get these to Emma." She had a small swimsuit, flip flops and a beach towel held out in front of her; hiding behind them. Reva was speechless that this Natalia, the one that seemed back in sync with image she had of her (shy, sweet, innocent) was the same as the very immodest and unchaste, hot- (hot?!)-woman she saw ascendant over Olivia Spencer in the extra-large king-sized Beacon bed.
She shook her head slightly and watched Olivia ogle her significant other's ass as Natalia walked briskly down the hallway.
Reva watched the parade of expressions cross Olivia's face. The woman had always had a disgustingly endearing (endearing?!) - habit of wearing everything on her sleeve. She could easily see chagrin for Natalia's mortification, followed by amusement, followed by affection and love. Reva briefly wondered how the whole damned town didn't catch onto them sooner. Then she saw what was most assuredly lust burn from those green eyes before Olivia's expression shifted back to amused.
"Hey, those are my jeans," Olivia called out in exaggerated incredulity.
"Quiet, you," Natalia retorted from down the hall without turning her head.
Olivia chuckled. It was a very smug, self-satisfied laugh. "Well, I guess that's what happens when you have to get dressed quickly?" She nudged Reva with her elbow.
"For crying out loud." Reva scoffed. "I don't believe you," she said, even though she did (Olivia had always been a brazen, shameless hussy).
"Oh, come on Reva, surely you remember the freedom of your kids going on sleepovers? Plenty of free time to... get your exercise."
"Well, when my kids went on sleepovers, I made sure I knew where they were because I dropped them off myself so their nannies don't end up..."
"Yeah, well trust me, I'm going to have a long talk with Jane."
"If you don't, I will," Reva said, rubbing at her face. "I did not need to see your bare ass today, not to mention Natalia in th..." she stopped her voice right there, not trusting it not to crack.
Olivia's smirk grew with the lengthening awkward silence.
"Poor Reva," Olivia said after deciding to take pity on Reva and fill in the long pause that only seem to make the blond even more red-faced. "I'll tell you what, Reev. You two get a babysitter for baby O'Neill, and you and Jeffery can have a night here on the house. You look like you could use a good... workout yourself."
Reva scoffed at her and marched off towards her son's room in her righteous indignation.
"What? I'm just trying to be nice."
Finally, after suffering through Frank, through the bumbling Company, and a little too- perky Blake, and Olivia's ass... Reva felt the end of the day fall into place.
She felt fairly accomplished when finally started to drift of to sleep that night. After presenting her offer (nonstop for near two hours) to Shane and Dinah, they'd eventually agreed. She'd even gotten her mind off of its Cinemax After Dark repetitions of Natalia and Olivia by dragging Dinah into a couple of home furniture stores.
She shook her head again to clear it and focus on her husband as she drifted off to sleep.
A sweet, soft nuzzling on her neck woke up parts of her body well before she could open her eyes.
"Mmn, that's nice," Reva said as she attempted to roll over to be able to participate in this more fully.
She opened her eyes, but her vision was occluded by curtain of long, dark and wavy hair. She tried to focus on that, but the kissing below her ear drew her attention away and made her gasp and close her eyes again.
"Let's get rid of this, long, nightgown," the distinctly feminine voice said, the breath slightly tickling Reva as delicate fingers pulled the too-long garment over the blond's head.
Reva felt the two soft, and manicured hands, everywhere. And soft, soft lips that wouldn't stop kissing her long enough to protest. She couldn't even stop her own hands from caressing unbelievably soft, hot, olive skin.
-
She sat bolt right up in bed, stirring Jeffery.
How she didn't wake up screaming was beyond her.
She grabbed the sides of her husbands face and nuzzled him along his unshaven cheeks. "I know," he said, voice still groggy. "I didn't shave yet. I'll make sure to.."
"No," she barked loudly and continued lathering his face. "You never shave again!" she said.
"And switch pillows with me, I want to smell your aftershave."
He started to say something about not needing aftershave if he wasn't allowed to shave anymore, but thought better of it as he reminded himself of the many warnings regarding her sanity.
"Okay," he said and simply handed her his pillow and laid back down.
Jeffery thought that just maybe, he owed an apology to Josh, and to every other man that Reva had been with previously as he scratched at the minor itching of his growing beard. He had assumed that they just did not have the right touch to keep Reva from running roughshod over them.
Now he knew better.
He sighed. His beard itched, but he wasn't going to be the one to tell Reva that it made him look less friendly and more hillbilly.
He resisted the urge to use too-little bubble wrap to pack the farm-animal patterned dishes.
"Pick your battles" had become his new mantra.
"She already has you packing?" Shane's ridiculously deep voice came through the open door.
In good weather, you learned to just leave the door open, nobody in this town knocked anyway.
"Yes," he nodded. "Yes, she does. So, unless you have a death-wish, I hope you've signed the papers I sent."
Shane handed them over. "Are you guys sure about this? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's so generous, but... moving? Buying a new house?"
"Hey, talk to your mom."
Shane scoffed at him.
"By the way," he said. "Olivia caught me on my way out... she says you guys are all welcome to stay at the Beacon while you pack, or unpack, so that Colin doesn't get into trouble with all the boxes and stuff."
"Well," Jeffery said. "That's nice of her." He turned and shouted toward the bedroom. "Hey honey, Olivia's offered a room for us to use during the move."
Reva came bustling into the living room. "I'll bet she has," she said, venom in her voice. "You just keep packing." She came over and rubbed his beard before placing a kiss on his cheek.
He shrugged and sighed. "Okay. Coffee's ready."
"I knew I married you for a reason!"