Pride and Prejudice... And Zombies?
I've been a huge fan of 'Pride and Prejudice' since my high school years, and so when I found out that there was a parody novel of it involving zombies, I had to read it. I mean romance in the midst of fighting the undead, win, right?
Well, kinda, I guess. 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' by Seth Grahame-Smith had a very promising concept but iffy execution at best. Basically he took Austen's classic novel, inserted zombies, ninjas and some gore, crossed his fingers and hoped for the best. At least that what it seems like to me. I thought he had turned the novel completely upside-down and rewritten it, and that was what I was looking forward to reading. Unfortunately it was a mash up that suffered from the jarring writing styles; the line where Austen's prose ends and Grahame-Smith plunges in is obvious and distracting, he made no effort to weave them seamlessly. To make matters worse, he took Lizzy and turned her from the intelligent, happy, animated, amiable heroine that we know and love into a cynical, hard, killing machine. A part of me felt like dying.
But, as I mentioned earlier, the concept is interesting (and book cover art pretty kickass, to be honest). And so I've decided to attempt rewriting this parody novel (oh great, not another parody of a parody) into something that does justice to Jane Austen's novel and pleases those looking for a little zombie gore to brighten up their day. I may fail miserably, but I am going to try.
Disclaimer: 'Pride and Prejudice' and all its characters was created by Jane Austen. 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' was written by Seth Grahame-Smith. I, in turn, own nothing.
Date Uploaded: 28 June 2009
Chapter 1
'It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.'
The countryside of Hertfordshire, England, was always a serene vision. This was particularly true in the early evening, when the sun started to set and the sky was filled with blazing colors of red and orange. A pleasant breeze rustled the green grass and the leaves of the trees.
In the distance the figure of a young woman appeared. She brushed back the dark brown curls that fell on her face, smiling up at the sky before turning her attention back to the book in her hand. Elizabeth Bennet had stayed out much longer than she had intended, having been caught up reading the novel she held under her favorite tree beside a nearby brook. Her mother and father expected her back before dark. She needed to hurry back, but the dusk was just too beautiful not to enjoy.
Not to mention the book. In the fading light Lizzy eagerly read through the page she was on, wondering how the spunky heroine would get herself out of the circumstances she was in with her unrequited love. Hence Lizzy was not aware of the dark form that had suddenly slunk out of a group of trees, beginning to follow her with lumbering but increasingly fast steps.
Just as this unholy creature was within arm's reach of its prey, Lizzy snapped her book shut and lifted her head. In one fluid movement she flung the book into the air, ducked to avoid her would-be assailant's attack, and then unsheathed a dagger that had been strapped to her ankle. Lizzy swiveled around and thrust her blade into the creature's throat, causing a spray of black blood to cover her arm. Wrenching her weapon sideways, Lizzy positioned herself behind the creature and expertly severed its head from its body. Both fell to the grass, her book dropping to the ground as well a few feet away.
Instead of reaching for her belonging, Lizzy pulled out a pistol from the folds of her skirt and turned just in time to point it at another of the creatures that had struck while she was preoccupied with its companion. The unmentionable had just about time to let out an inhuman shriek before she pulled the trigger. The creature's head snapped back and it fell to the ground, finally inert, the hole in its head still smoking.
Elizabeth lowered her weapon, giving a small sigh. She re-holstered her pistol, wiped her dagger on the grass in an effort to clean it before re-sheathing it, and then picked up her book. The sky was much darker now, but still she smiled as she resumed her walk back to Longborn. The night itself was still beautiful, and overall today had been a good day.
Now to get home and clean this goop off her arm.
***
"Did you hear, Mr Bennet? Netherfield is to be inhabited again," Mrs Bennet said to her husband as she accosted him that evening in his study.
Mr Bennet, preoccupied with staring out of the window, did not answer his wife right away. Elizabeth had been out since the early afternoon; Mr Bennet had trained his daughter well in combat and could more than fend for herself, but as a father he felt entitled to worry every now and then.
And he had every right to be worried. The mysterious plague first broke out in the 1780s, where both he and his wife had been about the same age as their eldest daughters. It had swept across the country, turning the dead, once deferentially laid to rest in their graves, into the undead, incoherent zombies walking among the living again with a taste for brains. The 'unmentionables', as people in respectable society called them. As the plague continued to spread over the years Mr Bennet, having sired five daughters, made the decision that his children should be able to defend themselves from the grisly creatures. Hence he trained them himself, schooling them in musketry and swordfighting.
"Mr Bennet, did you hear what I said?"
"Hmm? Oh yes, yes, Netherfield," Mr Bennet said, snapping back to the present. He sat back at his desk and resumed polishing his musket. "Frankly I am surprised; following the incident there I thought that place would never have occupants there again."
The incident Mr Bennet was referring to happened about six months prior, where the Netherfield household had been broken into by the unmentionables that wandered the countryside, devouring the owners as well as their servants. The rumors were it was the result of a single unlocked back door. If that hearsay was true, Mr Bennet had been concerned that the creatures had developed enough motor skills to maneuver a doorknob.
Which, of course, escaped Mrs Bennet's concern completely; in fact all memory of the incident seemed to have disappeared at her excitement of having learned that people were to move into the stately manor again. "Mrs Long has told me that Netherfield has been let to a young man of large fortune. He came down from the north of England last Monday, having escaped another outbreak of the strange plague at the Manchester line."
"And what is this man's name?"
"Bingley," Mrs Bennet said, her eyes shining. "He is single and reportedly earns four or five thousand a year."
"Hmm," Mr Bennet noised, returning his attention to his musket. "Well I suppose he's going to need that much money to sluice the blood from Netherfield's walls."
"Must you be so morbid, Mr Bennet?" his wife said with disapproval. "Can't you see what a good thing this is for our girls?"
"Really now?" Mr Bennet said, arching an eyebrow. "How so?"
"Oh don't pretend not to know, Mr Bennet; I am thinking that he might marry one of them!"
"Marriage? I really don't see how he could have such designs in a time like this."
"Designs? I'm not suggesting anything like that!" Mrs Bennet said impatiently. "But there is a chance that he might fall in love with one of them, and for this reason you must visit him as soon as he arrives."
"I see no reason to do that," Mr Bennet said, leaning back in his chair. "If you want to make this man's acquaintance so much you and the girls may go, provided that you all take the necessary precautions on the road against the unmentionables. Or better yet, you could send them by themselves, as you are as attractive as any of them and Mr Bingley may fall in love with you instead."
"Oh Mr Bennet," Mrs Bennet tittered, having long taken his dry wit for harmless teasing. "I was pretty in my youth, but that is long over now. With five daughters grown up, my attention is preoccupied by them more than my looks. And that is why I am asking you to see Mr Bingley when he arrives in the neighborhood."
"My dear, I am afraid that I am simply overbooked when it comes to engagements."
"But consider your daughters, Mr Bennet! This could be a wonderful opportunity for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas have decided to go, and we will have no chance to visit Mr Bingley if you do not call on him as well."
Once Mrs Bennet had gotten an idea in her head it was next to impossible to talk her into giving it up. After over twenty years of marriage Mr Bennet was well aware of this fact, and he was sure that his wife could already see this wonderful Mr Bingley falling in love with, walking down the aisle and having children with one of her daughters. Mr Bennet, however, took some amusement in aggravating his easily flustered wife, and so said, "I think Mr Bingley would enjoy having you drop by him, and I will happily draft him a note saying that he is welcome to marrying any of the girls he chooses, with a good word thrown in for my Lizzy. Ah, speaking of which, there she is now," he said, having spotted his second eldest daughter out the window, headed for the house.
"You favor that girl so much," Mrs Bennet accused. "She is not as beautiful as Jane or as exuberant as Lydia, but you insist on giving her preference."
"That is because the other girls have nothing to recommend them, being silly and empty-headed," Mr Bennet said, getting up. "Lizzy, on the other hand, is bright, clever, and wields a sword and firearm better than any other girl in Hertfordshire."
"How can you say such things about your daughters?" Mrs Bennet said, adopting a hurt look. "Your criticism of them affects me as well; you have no consideration for my nerves."
"On the contrary, my dear, I think very highly of your nerves," Mr Bennet said, smiling as he moved towards the door. "They have been my constant companions, having heard you bring them up intermittently these last twenty years."
"I only hope that you do not come to regret this decision as I am now," Mrs Bennet said as he was preparing to exit the room.
"I am sure that many more young men with considerable fortunes will deign to visit Hertfordshire; especially with the strange plague driving them to seek out safe havens where they can."
"I don't see how it would be of any use, even if we were to have twenty come at one time, seeing as you refuse to call on any of them."
"My dear, I promise you that if twenty were to descend on us at one time, I will call on them all," Mr Bennet said, giving her one last smile and then stepping out to check on his daughter, as he was fairly certain that he had seen her with the telltale signs of battle on her dress.
Mr Bennet was such an unpredictable mixture of wryness, humor, impulsiveness and aloofness that even after some twenty-three years of marriage Mrs Bennet still had trouble understanding his character. Her character was less difficult to comprehend, as she was a woman of limited understanding and information, and when something displeased her she believed herself nervous. And considerably nervous she was, owing to the plague that had become a part of everyday life.
The business of Mrs Bennet's life was to get her daughters married to the good, remaining men of the country. The business of Mr Bennet's was to hold his household together and ensure that the members under its roof were kept alive and well.
Continued