Summary: What if Connor and Evan had been friend/boyfriend before he died, what if Evan actually tried to help Connor but only to find out he failed.

mage: if the characters seem out of character don't kill me I haven't scene the play only listened to the songs and some animated so don't kill me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dear Evan Hansen if I did Connor and Evan would be happy and I wouldn't tear up listening to the soundtrack.

Chapter 1

The news.

"Will Evan Hansen please report to the principal's office," asked the loud speaker.

'What, what did I do; oh man what did I do,' these were the thoughts runing through my head as I made my way to the principal's office.

When I reached the door to the office the first thing I saw was the principal and...

"Mr and Mrs Murphy," I said. The look of surprise on both of their faces forced me to remember that Connor probably hadn't told them about me.

'Connor,' I thought seeing their faces

"Come in, Evan," said the Principal, his tone of voice making me freeze.'Why am I here; where's Connor; what happened.'

"Is Connor okay?" I asked; that was when the dam burst. I watched as Mrs. Murphy began to cry, clutching a letter in her hand, and I watched as Mr. Murphy tried to console her.

"Evan, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but Connor has passed away," said Mr. Murphy

The only thing I felt after those words was the tears beginning to fall down my face and my body as it went numb.

(****)

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy were shocked as they watched the tears begin to form in his eyes after they told him the news that their son had died. The boy fell into the chair by the door and just sat there for a moment and they both tried to figure out what to tell him. They didn't know this boy; they didn't know who he was, but from the letter they found, it was clear he was close to their son, who their son had really been.

"Mr. Hansen..Evan we found this," said Mrs. Murphy, handing Evan the letter.

/Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Your most best, and dearest friend, Me/

"I would," whispered Evan, the parents in the room hearing him loud and clear.

"How, how did it happen?" asked Evan after a few minutes had passed.

"He, he hung himself, Evan; we found him a few days ago but when we found this letter we felt that we needed to tell you in person," said Mr. Murphy, wanting to be blunt with the boy.

This had brought on even more tears as a new pain settled in his broken heart.

"Evan, we know this is hard but.." said Mrs. Murphy, taking a deep breath before continuing. "But we wanted to know how close you where; you see Connor never mentioned having any friends."

Evan tried to tell them, wanting them to know how close the two of them had been, but the words kept getting caught in his throat and he couldn't force them out no matter how hard he tried.

"Evan, I know this is sudden but would it be alright if you could come to our house after school and tell us about your friendship with Connor?" asked Mrs. Murphy, wanting to know this side of her son.

The only thing Evan could do was nod before running out of the room.

Evan POV

I ran, making it to my locker while looking for Alana, figuring she wouldn't laugh or judge me like Jared would

"Whoa, Evan, what's wrong what happened?" asked Alana, looking at my face and probably seeing the tear stains.

"He.. he's.. gone, Connor's gone," I said, holding back the tears. It was then that I felt her arms wrapping around my shoulders as she tried to console me.

Alana asked me what happened and I told her everything up to what I heard today.

"They asked me to come to their house and talk about Connor," I finally finished, glancing up at Alana's face.

"What are you going to do?" Alana asked worried

"I'm going to tell them the truth," I told her before getting ready to leave and walk to my class.

Time Skip.

I knock on the door to Connor's house; the pain settled in my heart again just by thinking of his name.

"Oh, Evan, come in," said Mrs. Murphy, showing me into the house. I made my way in, Mrs. Murphy following from behind; we made our way into the dining room and saw Connor's father and his sister Zoe.

"Take a seat, Evan," said Mr. Murphy, seeming like he would rather be somewhere else.

"So what would you like to know?" I asked, trying to think of which story I should tell them.

"Well what was one of the last things you and Connor did?" asked Mrs. Murphy while looking at me.

"It was the end of May or early June," I started, "It was this picture-perfect afternoon we shared. Connor and I were driving on the winding country road; we had grabbed a scoop at À La Mode like we would normally do," I said, remembering the day so clearly.

"And then we were there, an open field that's framed with trees," I said, feeling the tears build up. "We picked a spot and shoot the breeze like we always do while quoting songs from our favorite bands."

"There were also jokes passed between us that no one else understands except us two, and we talked and took in the view," I continued, seeing Mrs. Murphy smile.

Flash Back

I sat in the car watching as the world passed by and I felt a hand slip into mine. I turned my head towards Connor and give him a smile. This was a perfect day, just the two of us driving to our spot.

We pulled up to the abandoned Apple Orchard, the one place where we could be together with none of the problems that we had at home. As we got out of the car, I felt the gentle breeze and the smell of apples.

"So, want to bike the Appalachian Trail?" asked Connor.

I looked at him strangely and saw that wonderful grin of his, the one filled with mischief.

"How about we write a book?" I suggested.

"Or learn how to sail, wouldn't that be great?" he said, then we were both laughing at the random options for things to do after we got out of school

We found a spot to sit down, and I leaned my head on his shoulder and I felt his head on mine. We just sat there in silence watching the sun go down.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be," Connor told me before kissing me.

As we pull away I whisper back to him "Me too," then we just talked about random things for a few moments and we watched the sky as it went on forever; we just let the world pass by around us.

Next thing I know Connor got up and started making his way towards one of the farther away trees calling for me to follow. I wondered as we climbed what the world looked like from so high up.

One foot after the other, one branch then to another, we climbed higher and higher; we climbed until the entire sun was shining on our faces. But suddenly I felt the branch give way and the next thing I knew was I'm on the ground and my arm was numb.

I looked around, wondering where I was for a second and I saw him coming down the tree to get me, and in that moment I knew everything was going to be okay. As he walked me to the car, I began to laugh and the only thing I could say was "Buddy, you and I are for forever this way."

Flashback over

I looked back up and I saw the shocked look of Mr. Murphy; Zoe had turned away and her shoulders were shaking slightly, and then there was the smiling face of Mrs. Murphy.

"So yeah after that he took me to the hospital and stayed with me; then he took me home and we sat and talked before he left. For the rest of the summer I would see him up until the month right before school. The last time I saw him was on the first day of school but he didn't talk to me," I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I never realized that Connor and you were.. well," Mrs. Murphy tried to find the words to say.

"Connor didn't try and hide it, he just never saw the point in telling you," I told them before feeling Mrs. Murphy wrap her arms around me and pull me into a hug.

I was shocked at first but I soon joined her and began to cry harder knowing the pain.

Time skip

I was sitting on the couch, thinking about the day's events and wondering what to do now. I could share some of Connor's emails so they could see how close we were.

But I was drawn from my thoughts by my mom reminding me about college applications. Truthfully college was the last thing on my mind right now.

"Did you hear about that Connor Murphy boy?" Mom asked, walking over to the couch.

I don't know of she noticed me flinching at the sound of his name, but she probably didn't care.

"Yeah, I heard," I told her.

"Did you know him?" she asked.

'Where has this sudden interest in my life come from, mom,' I thought as I made my way to the stairs. From there, I began to print out my emails with Connor; I re-read how he said he was doing better and he thanked me for that.

'Was it all a lie, Connor; did I ever really help you?' I asked myself as I looked over the emails again and again, and it still didn't make sense.

"Why, Connor; I used see for forever when you were beside me but how can I see for forever without you?" I asked aloud, hoping you would jump out from behind me and this would all be a dream.