A/N: Wow! Ok I worked for three whole days on this fic, and I don't even know why! I went and saw the cute Tangled movie and then I was thinking about Edward being Rapunzel, and this popped out. Though I should mention there are several inconsistencies with the movie plot.
If you've been reading my other fics and are waiting for the next installment of "Alter" consider this a brief intermission...I have a terrible case of writers block right now. You all must be so disappointed in me.
Like I said in the description this is not RoyxEd, it's just funny.
A small warning. I do have references to Death Note, Dr. Who, and Invader Zim in here so you may need to look some terms up.
Please Enjoy!
TANGL-ED
Once Upon a time there was a super magical chocolate covered banana. If you sang the magical banana song, the banana would do magic and give you whatever you wanted. Clothes, Money, Fame, Eternal Youth, or even a Ham Sandwich if you so desired it. And it was in difference to this that the banana was called the philosopher's banana.
One day a strange little geko...lizard..thing...found the banana and used it to change himself into a cross dresser with hair that made him look like a palm tree.
"Ha Ha!" he laughed. "Now I am the most beautiful person in the whole kingdom!" cried the lizard, whose name was Phil by the way, but we'll just call him Envy for the sake of the story.
Anyway, Envy decided that he liked being a person and not a sad little geko creature with giant eyeballs. So he decided to keep the banana so nobody else could ever use it ever, which is mean because we should share magical bananas.
Meanwhile, the lovely Queen Trisha was about to have a baby. But right when they were picking out baby names, she got a paper cut and fell deathly ill.
King Ho Ho Daddy became desperate, and commanded everybody in his whole kingdom to go find the magical philosophers banana.
Unfortunately for Phil-duh, I mean Envy, he'd forgotten to hide the banana that day and accidentally placed it next to a sign that said "PHILOSOPHERS BANANA! CURES PREGNANT LADIES WITH PAPER CUTS."
The palace guard found it very quickly and brought it back to cure the queen. They chopped up the banana and made it into a magical philosophers banana sunday, and the queen ate it and got better.
She had a healthy baby boy, who for whatever reason, had long flowy girly locks. She named him Edward since his sparkly hair reminded her of a vampire movie she saw once, proving that you should never skip over the planning of the babies' name.
Everything in the kingdom was happy, that was until Envy decided he wanted his magical banana back.
Now Envy was smart (to some degree,) and he knew that since the banana had been chopped up and eaten, he couldn't use it anymore. But the minute he saw baby Edward and his shiny, sparkly, banana colored hair, he figured out what had happened to the banana, and he got an idea.
In the middle of the night, Envy snuck into the palace (which needed better security) and crept into baby Edward's room. He was very quiet, not even wanting to imagine what would happen if someone walked in and found a drag queen trying to cut off a babies hair. He pulled out a pair of scissors and snipped off one of baby Edward's banana locks. The moment he did however, the hair turned a terrible ugly brownish blonde color. "OH NO!" Envy shouted loudly. He thought for a moment.
"Maybe if I cut off the babies arm..."
That didn't work.
"Well maybe the leg."
Neither did that work.
"Well crap..." Envy muttered.
Then he heard people coming and so he decided to improvise.
"Dante! For the last time, we are divorced!" Ho Ho Daddy shouted loudly as he charged into the babies room. However, instead of his psychotic ex, he saw a drag queen jumping out the window with his baby.
"WHAT THE-!" King Ho Ho Daddy ran over to the window and saw that the two had disappeared. King Ho Ho Daddy quickly ran to the place guard. "FIND MY SON AND THE CROSS DRESSER WHO KIDNAPPED HIM!" Ho Ho Daddy demanded. The palace guard looked high and low, but couldn't find baby Edward. This time Envy had decided not to leave the baby next to a large sign that said "KIDNAPPED BABY."
Ho Ho Daddy and Trisha were so depressed, that they stopped acknowledging their younger son, Alphonse, all together and didn't care when someone predicted he would prick his finger on a needle and then die.
The whole kingdom fell into a state of desolate sadness, and the sky turned gray without Edward's lovely banana hair to light it up.
However, baby Edward wasn't dead, or maimed (unless you count the missing limbs.) Envy had chosen to hide him in a tower where no one would ever be able to find him.
"Hey Mom?" Edward asked. "How come I can't leave the tower?"
"Because the world is dark and cruel," said Envy
"Hey Mom?" Edward asked. "How come you make me wear dresses when I'm a boy?"
"Because Mommy wears dresses and Mommy thinks you should too." Envy replied.
"And How come you won't let me cut my hair?"
"Because Mommy needs eternal life sweet pea."
"Oh..."
But even though he'd been forbidden to leave, every night little Edward would go over to his window and stare out at the sky, dreaming of what the world would be like.
14 years later...
Edward sat in his tower feeling very bored. He'd done everything he could think of to entertain himself. He'd read through every book he owned 12 times. He'd cleaned everything he could find. He'd even tried singing about how bored he was, but quickly stopped because that was just strange. So now he was lying on his bed brushing his abnormally long hair.
"Nothing interesting ever happens to me..." he moaned. "I just want to get out and go see the world," he sighed.
"PINK PIGGIES IN THE TOILET!" shouted Edward's robot dog, GIR.
"I know I should ask mom," Ed replied. "but she always makes things so difficult."
"NOW THE MONKEYS ARE EATING THE PIGGIES!" cried GIR.
"You're right!" Ed shouted getting up. "I'm seventeen years old! It's time I made my own decisions."
"WOHOOOOOO!" GIR turned on his rockets and flew around the room in excitement.
Meanwhile, somewhere else in the kingdom. Someone was stealing something valuable.
"HEY YOU!" Shrieked one of the guards. "GIVE BACK THAT BOX OF KLEENEX'S! THOSE ARE FOR ROYAL USE ONLY!"
"See you!" said Roy Mustang. He quickly dashed out the Palace doors and took off running.
"Heh Heh! Losers." Mustang snickered as he ran off.
"Capture him alive!" demanded head of the guard, Riza Hawkeye. "Get back those Kleenexes."
The whole guard dashed out of the palace after Roy Mustang. Roy took several turns to evade them, but then fell off a cliff.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!*gasp*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He landed with a thud on hard ground.
"Ouch..." he whined, rubbing his injured bottom. He then looked up to see a magical tower.
"I think I'm gonna go in there for no particular reason." he decided.
Edward was drinking tea when he heard something crash at the window.
"INTRUDER!" shouted GIR.
Ed jumped up, and grabbed a metal baseball bat.
"YOU'RE NOT ROBBING ME YOU WEREWOLF!" he screamed, slamming the bat down on the intruders head. He added a couple more whacks before he decided the intruder was out cold.
He then stopped to observe. It wasn't a werewolf like he'd been expecting, it was a regular guy, except he wasn't wearing a dress like Edward was.
"I guess his mom wears boys clothes." Ed whispered to GIR.
"Oh Edward!" came a voice from outside. "Let down your hair..."
"Oh crap its Mom!" Edward hissed. "You remember what happened last time a burglar broke in." He shivered, and tried not to remember all the mopping it took for the tower floor to look the same again.
"Kick help me stash the stiff!" Ed yelled. GIR picked up the burglar and shoved him under the couch.
Ed stuffed the bloody baseball bat in a closet.
"I'M WAITING!" Envy shouted impatiently. Edward quickly ran over to the window, and tossed his lovely hair down for his self-proclaimed mother.
Envy grabbed it and started to clamber up it, pulling very hard.
"OUCH!" Ed shouted. "You know, it's kind of hard to support you with only my scalp."
"It's kind of hard to support you when I'm a single mother but look who's complaining." Envy countered.
He pulled himself into the tower and looked around. "You look like you might've grown a bit since last we met." Envy told Edward.
Ed smiled proudly.
"Uh yeah, about that," he started. There was something I wanted to ask you."
"Ah ah ah! What did I say about asking for things?" asked Envy.
"I have to sing the banana song first." Ed sighed.
"That's right." Envy smiled. "Now go ahead."
Ed frowned, but handed Envy a wad of his hair anyway.
"The banana, knows your dreams. The banana knows your fears, the banana thinks your mean, and he wants to see your tears. Yo Ho Ho Fo So So, The banana will eat your face" Ed sang.
His magical hair started to glow and Envy sucked all its power out.
"There was that so hard?" Envy asked, liking how powerful he now felt.
"Whatever," Ed groaned, yanking his hair back. "Alright so I wanted to
ask you."
He pulled out the biggest puppy dog face he had at his disposal, and GIR helped by making his button eyes bigger too. "Can the two of us leave the tower tomorrow for my Birthday?"
Envy furrowed his brow, "Now Sally,-"
"Edward."
"Edward, we talked about this. If you go outside, you'll likely fall over and suffer a concussion and die."
"Uh! BUT MOM!" Ed whined. "It so boring up here, plus the poor lighting and large amounts of dust can't be good for my health."
"But nothing." Envy scolded. He looked down at his kidnapped son's sad disappointed face, and decided to be nice just once.
"Alright, here's a compromise." Envy said. "You stay up here for the rest of your life, and I'll get you some DVD's on Netflix."
Edward had never felt more sad in his entire life. That lead to him having a very very naughty idea.
"Hey Mom," he said. "I almost forgot. This came in the mail yesterday."
He held up a piece of paper with the words "Green Cross Dressers Needed For Work. Go somewhere faraway so your kids can sneak out while you're gone."
"Ohhhh! I need to leave right away!" Shouted Envy. He grabbed Edward's hair and leapt from the window. "Be back in a week, honey."
Edward waved, before turning back to the sofa. He pulled the intruder out.
"GIR, pour something on his face to wake him up."
GIR pulled out a case of tuna and put it on Roy's face.
"Wha?" Roy bolted up. "Who are you?" he screeched. "And what smells like bananas?"
"Shut up!" said Ed. "Look I need a favor."
Roy looked up at his captor. "Dude are you a guy?"
"Yes!" said Ed.
"Whats with the girly hair and the dress?"
"Don't change the subject!" Ed said, delivering a hard smack from his automail. "Now listen up, I'm going out today, and I need an escort so get up buddy!"
"Or what?" asked Roy.
"My robot dog we'll eat your face!"
"YAY FACES!" shouted GIR.
Roy looked from Ed to the Robot dog.
"Alright fine..." Roy groaned.
"HURRAY!" shouted Ed.
"NAACHOOS!" shouted GIR.
"But first," Roy Mustang interrupted, "We'll need you in some boys clothes, I'm not going anywhere with a boy in women's clothing."
"Fine by me," said Ed. He ripped off the skirt of his dress, so now he was in a pink shirt and bloomers.
Roy frowned. "Uh...That'll work for now I guess. We'll just get you something better when we get to town.
"Come on slow poke!" said Ed as he jumped head first out the window.
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!" he yelled. Then he hit the ground and there was a terrible cracking sound.
"I think I broke my arm." Ed yelled up.
"Yeah," Roy agreed. "And now that you've jumped head first out the tower, there's no rope for me and the spaz dog."
"Hang on." Ed got up and stared into the sky. "By the power of the plot, I wish that none of what just happened, happened.
"Uh...That'll work for now I guess. We'll just get you something better when we get to town."
"Okie Dokie!" said Ed. "Now lets climb down the tower using my hair this time."
"What do you mean by this time?" Roy asked.
"I don't know."
So this time our lovely trio climbed down the tower using Ed's hair.
"This is so awesome!" Ed yelled as he jumped around in the sunlight.
"Yeah, fantastic," said Roy sarcastically. "Now can we hurry up and go? I have a date tomorrow and I don't want to miss it."
"Look Butterflies!" said Ed as he chased after said bug.
"Yeah that's great, but we really need to-"
"BIRDIES!" yelled Edward as he chased after the birds.
"Yes Yes, there is a lot of wild life here, but its high time we got-"
"AGHHHHHHHHHHH!" Edward screamed.
"What is it?" Roy demanded.
"It's a monster! Look!"
Roy looked down to see a tiny bunny rabbit, which was sniffing Ed's leg curiously.
"Get it away, Get it away!" Ed screamed.
Roy's scowl darkened, and he slowly walked over to the bunny, picked it up, and placed it inside a bush.
"There, it won't bother you anymore."
Ed heaved a sigh of relief. "Phew, thanks Mr. you saved my life."
"Yeah..." Roy grumbled.
"So where to first?" Ed asked innocently.
Roy frowned and looked around at the area of the forest they were in. "I need to find a bar..." he sighed, stomping off in a random direction. Ed and GIR both followed behind him, GIR prancing more than walking.
"There we go!" said Roy when he spotted the bar. "The death skull crushed blade bar."
Ed looked at the bar. It was surrounded by bones, and jagged rocks. There was also a small lightening storm that was going on right on top of the establishment, and no where else.
"Are you sure that's a good place to eat?" Ed asked, shrinking behind GIR.
Roy didn't answer, but instead marched right into the bar.
Ed glanced around nervously, before reluctantly following behind Roy.
Roy yanked the door open, and Ed flinched. Slowly he peaked one eye open to get a look inside.
"Welcome to the death skull crushed blade bar, can I take your order." said a pretty lady in a pink dress.
The whole restaurant was painted pastel colors, and had flowers, lace, and kupkakes all over the place.
"The name is misleading..." Ed whispered to Roy.
"They just switched locations with the Pretty Pink Princess Bar." he replied.
The lady handed Ed and Roy a couple of drinks on pink doilies.
"I didn't think a place thief would enjoy eating at a place like this..." said Ed.
"Normally I wouldn't," said Roy. "But look, all the waitresses are wearing tiny miniskirts!"
Ed frowned.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and there stood a serious looking lady with blonde hair tied up in a bun.
"I'm looking for a palace thief named Roy Mustang," she said darkly.
"Oh! He's right here!" Ed said loudly, thinking he was helpful.
"RUN!" yelled Roy. He grabbed Ed, GIR and the pink doilies and ran out the back door.
"Oh no you don't!" said Riza right behind them. She pulled out a sling shot, and started firing gummy bears.
"Come back soon!" smiled the waitresses.
"Where are we going?" Ed asked.
"I'm just running." said Roy, ducking an oncoming round of gummy bears.
"Why is she firing gummy bears?" Ed asked.
"Well since this is set in the late early 1700's, no one has really been using hand pistols yet." Roy explained. "Her guns we're confiscated."
"But that doesn't make any sense, gummy bears weren't made until the late 20th century, why are we using those in order to be historically correct-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The two had been so busy discussing gummy bears, they didn't realize that they had run right off the side of a cliff.
"QUICK! USE YOUR HAIR!" Roy screamed. Without thinking, he grabbed Ed's hair and used it as a lasso. He attached it to one end of the cliff, and used it to lower the three law breakers to the bottom of the canyon.
"AGHHHHHHH! SCALP!" Ed screamed.
"But a sock in it blondie."
Meanwhile, Envy had made it to the event in record time, only to discover that there was actually nothing taking place.
"Hmm...well that was weird." He muttered to himself as he made it back to the tower.
"Oh Edward, Let down your hair!"
No one responded.
"Edward?" Envy repeated.
Nothing.
"OH NO!" he shouted. He ran around to the door on the side of the tower that neither he, nor anyone else, had ever bothered to use.
Magical hair ride is so much more fun than stairs.
"EDWARD!" Envy yelled in distress. He looked around the tower to find it was empty. "Please tell me you just accidentally ate some invisible paint!"
No response.
"Ate some invisible paint and had your vocal cords ripped out. If your here let nothing happen in the next three seconds."
As he finished the sentence a giant fireball landed in the middle of the tower, than flew off."
"AGHHH! He's gone!" Envy cried in despair. "Why would he ever runaway? I was a good mother wasn't I? I only beat him thirty times!"
He then noticed a small white thing lying on the floor. He picked it up, and found it was a small white index card, with the words; "ROY MUSTANG! PALACE THIEF, PYROMANIAC, AND FIERY HEART THROB. NEED A DATE? CALL THE NUMBER BELOW"
"Mustang..." Envy said darkly. "So that's who stole Edward."
Meanwhile, back at the cliff.
Riza had figured out by now that flinging gummy bears at the two law breakers wasn't going to have the desired effect. So instead she went over to the dam that was conveniently located on the other side of the cliff. She took out one of the confiscated pistols, (which she had kindly re-confiscated, and shot a giant hole in the side of the damn.
"There! No they'll just drown or something." Riza sighed. She walked off to go do other things.
"OH CRAP SHE BROKE THE DAM!" Roy shouted.
"She broke the what?" Ed asked. "I couldn't hear you over the sound of you swearing"
"THATS NOT SWEARING! SHE BROKE THE DAM!"
Ed looked around. , "What Dam? I don't see any- Oh..."
He turned to see a giant wave of water rushing towards him and Roy Mustang.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" screamed Roy.
"Better idea!" shouted Ed. "GIR use your rockets to fly us out!"
"I can't," said GIR.
"Wha? Why Not?"
"I emptied the fuel!"
"Why?" shouted both Ed and Roy.
"To make room for the tuna!" said GIR.
"Wait a second." said Roy. "If this is supposed to take place in the early 1700's then why are there robot dogs running around?"
"Who cares! Just Run!" shouted Edward.
The two ran, only inches from being swept away by a giant wave of water.
"Quick! Into that cave!" shouted Ed.
"What?" Roy exclaimed. "No! Ed! Bad Idea!" but before he could protest further he was in the cave with Edward and GIR had just knocked down a big pile of rocks, trapping them inside.
"Now we're safe!" Ed smiled. Then water began leaking into the cave.
"Ok, that wasn't supposed to happen." said Ed.
"YOU THINK!" Roy exclaimed. He started tugging on the rocks, but found they were stuck. He tried to dive down deeper into the cave but he couldn't see what was down there.
"We're trapped!" he cried. "We can't be trapped! I don't wanna die!"
"We're gonna die?" Ed exclaimed.
"YAAAAAY!" shouted GIR.
The next oh...minute or so, was filled with tugging on rocks, GIR's head making toast, and lots of undignified screaming.
"Hey! I know!" Ed shouted. "Roy! Grab my hair and sing the banana song!"
"HOW WILL THAT HELP?" Roy demanded.
"Just do it!"
"I don't know the lyrics!"
The next thirty seconds we're filled with Ed trying to teach the banana song to Roy.
"The banana knows your dreams, the banana knows your fears-"
"NO! NO! NO! You're off key!" Ed interrupted.
"The banana knows your dreams, the banana knows your fears, the banana thinks you're mean, he wants to see your tears, Yo Ho Ho Fo So So, the banana will eat your face."
Suddenly Ed's hair began to glow a magical golden color, and the scent of banana's filled the little air that was left in the cavern. Then Ed's hair short circuited, because the magic banana isn't water tolerant.
"Well we gave it a shot," Roy said, too busy imagining the many things that would cause Ed's hair to light up, to worry about is imminent death.
"This is all my fault!" Ed sobbed miserably. "We're going to die, all because of me and my stupid hair."
Roy wasn't one to comfort, but he was shoulder deep in water, and Ed's tears probably weren't helping.
"It's okay," he sighed. "at least its not one of those depressing deaths where you're all alone and nobody notices. I mean, we have each other right?"
Ed looked up at Roy. "I guess thats right," he sniffed.
Roy looked into Ed's big teary eyes. "Aww! Come here you!" he sobbed. He gave Ed a huge hug.
"Uh...Ok..." Ed said uncomfortably, trying to scoot out of Roy's grip.
The water was up to their necks now.
"Good bye cruel world!" Roy wailed.
"EXPLODING TIME!" shouted GIR. Suddenly GIR's head opened up and a giant rocket popped out.
"FIRE!" shouted GIR. The cavern wall exploded, and Ed, Roy and GIR we're quickly flushed out the whole.
"WE'RE ALIVE!" yelled Roy. He then proceeded to kiss the ground.
"GIR you are amazing!" shouted Ed.
"TACOS!"
A few hours later, it was nighttime and Roy and Ed had decided to set up camp.
"Roy? How do you build a tent?" Ed asked.
"Use the poles!"
"How?"
"I don't know just use them."
Ed looked at the pole and then began beating the tent with it.
Suddenly then tent popped up.
"Well that's convenient," said Ed.
He sat down next to Roy and watched the bonfire that Roy had made. It was now burning down the forest, and coming dangerously close to singeing a tiny village.'
"By the way!" Roy said, suddenly turning to look at Ed. "How did you get your hair to glow and do magic?"
Ed pointed his nose in the air. "I don't believe in magic! Only Science!"
"...But then how do you explain the magic glowing hair-"
"ONLY SCIENCE!"
Roy frowned, "Yeah, I know but how did you do it?"
"Ever since I was little, if I sang a song and pulled my hair at the same time, it started glowing and making everything smell like bananas."
"Yeah but doesn't it do magic too?"
"First of all...ONLY SCIENCE...and second of all, somebodies always behind me pulling my hair, how am I supposed to see what they're using it for?"
Roy furrowed his brow. "You mean because they're behind you, you can't see the magic?"
"ONLY SCIENCE!"
"Whatever," sighed Roy. "Any idea how that happened? I mean is it like a condition or something, like a really severe case of dandruff?"
"No, thats not how it works." said Ed. "When I was little somebody infused my head with the philosophers banana and I've had perfectly scientific powers ever since. Thats why my mom kept me locked up in that tower for so long, so I nobody could steal my hair and use it for evil."
"Mmm..." Roy nodded. "That's rough buddy."
"Tell me about it." Ed sighed. "So what's your story?" he asked Roy.
"Set my house on fire as a kid, got saddled living with my aunt at her bar, not much to it."
"Aww, no fair!" Ed complained. "You're supposed to have some kind of super emo back story, if you don't you're not an anime character!"
"What is this anime you speak of?" asked Roy, while simultaneously pointing to the sign that said. "Early 1700's Remember Doofus?"
"I'm getting sick of all this historically accurate crap," sighed Ed.
"So you wanna make smor's or something!"
"I DO!" screamed the author as she flew down from the heavens with a marshmallow on a stick.
"What the-?" Ed and Roy watched in confusion as the Author lit her marshmallow on fire and then flew back up to finish writing the story.
"That was weird." Ed muttered.
"Says the boy with the magical glowing banana hair."
"ONLY SCIENCE!"
That night, after Ed and Roy had fallen asleep Envy creeped out of the forest.
He slid over to Ed and flicked him in the face.
Ed opened his eyes. "Mom?" he exclaimed in surprise.
"Oh sweet heart! I was so worried!" exclaimed Envy as he embraced his precious banana hair boy.
"Uh...yeah..." said Ed, trying to scoot away.
"Alright lets go home," Envy snapped, yanking on Ed's arm. "You're in so much trouble when we get home! I'm grounding you to the top floor of the tower!"
"But MOOOOOOOOOM!" Ed whined.
"No buts! Now move it Mr."
"I'm having fun!" Ed protested. "I got to play in a river, and I chased butterflies, and then a rabbit attacked me, and then I went to the bar that looks scary but isn't actually scary, and then we were running, and we were stuck in a cave, and we all thought we were gonna die, but then GIR saved us, and mom I made a friend!"
"And look at what he's done to you!" Envy said, pointing out the fact Ed was no covered in dirt and not in the pretty pink dress Envy had left him in.
"I kind of like it!" Ed smiled. "It makes me feel all manly!"
"Sweet heart you're not manly, that's why we grew you're hair out."
"I'm not going!" Ed said finally. "I'm going to stay out here where everything is sunny and I don't suffer from seizures caused by claustrophobia."
"Oh I see how it is!" Envy said dangerously. "You think that now that you've gone out and seen the world, that you're better than me and smarter than me, and you don't need my help."
"Yep pretty much." Ed smiled.
Envy frowned. "Alright then," he sighed. "If you're so smart tell me why that friend of yours hasn't run off an betrayed you by now."
"Because he likes me?" Ed asked.
"No..."
"...Because it would be wrong to leave a child out here in the woods?"
"Wrong."
"Oh no! He's not trying to sell me real estate is he!" Ed gasped.
"NO YOU MORON! He wants to steal your hair and use it to make money!" Envy shouted.
"Le Gasp!" Edward gasped again. Then he realized something.
"Wait, I told him about my magic hair ten minutes ago, how could he have been formulating that plan if he didn't know?"
"Be-becuase...um..." Envy tried to think up another effective life. "LOOK HE'S GONNA BETRAY YOU! AND WHEN HE DOES DON'T COME CRYING HOME TO ME!" Envy shouted, he then stormed back out into the woods.
"Ok I won't," Ed called.
The next morning, Edward awoke to Light brushing his eyes.
"WHAT THE HECK!" screamed Ed. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU BRUSHING MY EYES!"
"GOD OF THE NEW WORLD!" Light screamed. "I NEED YOU'RE PREETY GOLD HAIR! MINE IS GREASY!"
"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY EYES?"
Roy Mustang woke up. "AGHHH! IT'S A LIGHT YAGAMI!" he yelled. He grabbed a conveniently placed bucket of water and dunked it on Light.
"I'll take a potato chip...and eat it!" Light wailed as he melted away.
"Man that was close!" Roy exclaimed.
"Yeah..." Ed sighed.
It was quiet for a short moment.
"SO! What're we going to do today best friend?" Ed asked cheerfully.
"Well we could always go to the royal city," suggested Roy. "Today they're having some celebration for the birthday of their prince who disappeared 18 years ago."
"Hey I'm 18 and todays my birthday!" Ed shouted.
"What a coincidence." Roy replied.
"Yeah I know, crazy right?" Ed smiled. "So how long should it take us to get there?"
"Oh, about one transition." Roy mused.
ONE TRANSITION LATER!
"Wow! This place is awesome!" screamed Ed. "It has short houses! WITH DOORS!"
"AND TACOS!" screamed GIR as he began ransacking a nearby Taco Bell.
Roy noticed people were giving Ed and GIR strange looks. Probably because Ed was running around with hair fifty times his own height in a pink shirt and women's under garments screaming, and because GIR was very historically incorrect.
"Why don't we get you guys some clothing that doesn't stick out as much." Roy suggested.
"SHOPPING!" Ed and GIR yelled as they ran into a clothing store.
"Welcome to Ye Old Garments," said the store lady. "Full of historically correct clothing for time periods of all fiction kinds. Today we have a sale on Harry Potter robes, and different types of converse."
"Look! Roy!" Ed yelled gleefully. "They're selling pants! Real pants."
The clerk at the store looked at Roy questioningly.
"He's easily impressed." Roy whispered.
"And Look HAIR TIES!" Ed said gleefully. He pulled his hair up so it was no longer flowly and girly, but looked pretty normal.
"You're talented with hair ties." Roy noticed.
"You have to be stuck up in a tower for eighteen years with hair the size of the empire state building." Ed said.
"So now what do you want to do." Roy asked.
"I smell kupkakes!" Ed noticed.
"What?"
"KUPKAKES!" Ed and GIR yelled as the ran to the nearest kupkake store.
"I want that pink one, and that yellow one, and that pink one," GIR told the baker as he picked out the kupkakes.
"I can't pay for all of this." Roy sighed.
"Some palace thief you are." Ed snorted through a mouthful of kupkakes.
"Here have one." he handed Roy an especially pink fluffy one.
Roy couldn't help but smile a little as he took the kupkake. "That's the first time anyones ever flat out given me one of these." he said.
"I aint given it to you, you're paying." Ed spat.
"Right..."
Just then a sad and lost little teenager came into the kupkake shop.
"I need a lot of Kupkakes Bob! Today has been a hard day."
The baker frowned. "Again Alphonse? I can't keep giving you stuff when you're depressed."
"I just need some kupkakes." Alphonse sobbed as he put his head down on the counter.
"Why do you people insist on calling these things kupkakes." the Baker sighed as he began baking more.
"What's your problem?" Ed said through a mouthful of kupkake.
"My parents are ignoring me, and my beloved big brother is missing, and I'm supposed to die next year." Alphonse cried.
"Yeah well, I got locked in a tower for eighteen years and was forced to wear girls clothes." Ed countered.
"Mmm..." Al sighed.
"And my arm and leg got chopped off."
"Mmm..." Al sighed.
"And my mom doesn't love me anymore."
"Mmm..." Al sighed
"Here you go Al," the baker said as he handed Alphonse his kupkakes. He shoved them in his mouth in a manner similar to that of Ed's.
"Is it just me or do you two look alike?" Roy noticed.
"Hmm?" Both boys turned around to look at Roy with kupkake falling out of their mouths.
"I mean seriously you two could be brothers."
"Psh..." Ed said spitting Kupkake everywhere. "I don't see it."
MEAN WHILE...
Envy walked over to the ground and opened up a trap door.
"Come out...Light Yagami." he said.
Light Yagami crawled out of the ground zombie style and stood before Envy.
"If you do what I want, you'll get Ed's magic hair and more."
"What could be more than Ed's magic hair?" Light asked skeptically.
Envy grew a tik mark. "WOULD EVERYONE JUST QUIT QUESTIONING MY LOGIC AND DO AS I SAY!"
"Ok fine fine, I'm going."
MEANWHILE...
"I'll save these for later!" Ed smiled as he shoved twenty left over kupkakes into his bag.
"Whatever," Roy sighed. "Now come on lets go watch the lanterns they set out for the prince's birthday."
"SWEET!" Ed smiled.
"Mom and Dad never put out lanterns on my birthday." Alphonse sighed. He was slumped over on the table from kupkake overload.
"Hurray!" Ed yelled as he ran outside. "So where are we gonna watch it?"
"Well I found this place that's got a pretty good view so-"
"LETS WATCH IT FROM THAT BOAT!" shouted Ed as he climbed on.
"Why do I even try?" Roy sighed.
The two (plus GIR) got on the boat and waited for the lanterns to come out.
"This is going to be so totally awesome and amazing!" Ed said as he and GIR stared impatiently at the sky.
Meanwhile over in the castle, Trisha and Ho Ho Daddy were getting ready to throw out the first lantern.
"Sweet hear, I think senility has gotten to me, What're we doing this for again?" Ho Ho asked.
"Our missing son." Trisha explained.
"Which one?"
"We only have one."
"Really? I thought we had two?"
"Nope only Edward."
Finally the lanterns came out, and they were big and beautiful, and lit up the sky.
"Wow!" Ed yelled as he and GIR hung out over the edge of the boat to get a better look.
"It's amazing!" Ed smiled.
Roy smiled too, happy that this strange boy was having a good time.
Suddenly a bunch of fish came out of the water.
"SHA LA LA LA LA LA! DON'T BE SCARED! YOU GOT THE MOVES THE HAIR! GO ON AND KISS THE GIRL!"
"WOAH WOAH!"
"What the?" Roy exclaimed. "What the heck are you talking about?"
"Hey I'm a boy!" Ed yelled at the fish.
A crab popped up. "What you are? Sorry gentleman I got da wrong boat."
"Stupid Fish!" Ed huffed. "Don't the realize they aren't even in the right parody!"
Then the canoe tipped over.
"Aghh! Water!" Roy cried. "My mortal enemy!"
"YAY! WE'RE TAKING A BATH!" shouted GIR.
Two eels came out of the water. "HEY! You two aren't from the little mermaid!"
"THAT'S IT!" Ed yelled.
Ten minutes later.
Roy sighed and looked over at Ed and GIR who were peacefully asleep by the campfire. Around them were the remains of their dinner. (Eeel Soup)
Roy was about to drift off to sleep too when something caught his eye.
"Hello Roy..." Riza said as she emerged from the wood.
"Oh No not you!" Roy exclaimed. He got up to run but was pinned down by a round of gummy bears.
"You're not going anywhere." Riza said as she pulled out a rope.
"Let me goooooo!" Roy cried as Riza dragged him off to prison.
And by the time Ed woke up, there was Light.
"YOU AGAIN!" Ed shouted picking up GIR and getting ready to run.
"Your pretty hair is mine!" Shouted Light as he approached Ed.
"Wha? Where is Roy with that convenient bucket of water?" Ed wondered.
"He said I could have your hair if I gave him ten bucks."
Ed's eyes widened. "Bu-Bu I thought he was my friend."
"That's Sad..." GIR said, noticing Ed looked depressed.
"Give me your non-greasy hair!" Light demanded.
He was about to lunge at Ed when out of nowhere Envy showed up and threw a bucket of water on him.
"Phew that was close." Envy turned to look at Ed. "Are you ok?"
Ed's eyes became large and watery and he looked sad. "You were right mom, he wasn't my friend."
"I know sweet heart I know." Envy sighed. "Now lets go home."
"But I thought you said I shouldn't come crying back to you." Ed pointed out.
Envy glared. "We're going home." he said grabbing Ed's hair and pulling him along. "Do you know what it's been like without you there? I've had to use the stairs! THE STAIRS!"
Ed only followed sadly and imagined the headache he was going to have when he got back.
Meanwhile Roy was in jail.
"Please! You have to let me out!" Roy begged Riza.
"Sorry can't" she replied.
"What if I said please again."
"No..."
"What if I said it three times."
"Still no..."
Roy put his head in his hands.
"You don't understand, there's this little boy out in the woods and he's scared of rabbits! RABBITS! He won't survive!"
"Please! Like I'd ever buy that!" Riza scoffed.
"How did you find me anyway?" Roy asked.
"Some cross dresser tipped me off."
Roy thought about that for a second. Wasn't Ed's mother a cross dresser.
"What a crazy coincidence." Roy thought.
"So...you like gummy bears?" Roy asked.
"No...I'm more of a bullet person."
"You're very pretty to be in the military."
RIza blushed. "I don't appreciate your flattery."
"Please! I need to help my friend!" Roy begged.
"No can do!" Riza said. "You broke the law."
"But breaking the law is fun!" Roy argued. "I'm sure you've done it once or twice."
Riza frowned. "No I have not!"
"Come on! Even though it's not historically correct, you want to fire those guns don't you."
Riza twitched a bit. "That would be wrong. I'd get in trouble."
"You know you want to," Roy urged. "Imagine pulling the trigger, and hearing the bang, and the making of holes in stuff."
"I-I.." Riza looked torn.
"Come on...just one little shot." Roy said. "Just one."
Suddenly there was a loud bang. Riza stood there with her gun aimed.
"How did that feel?" Roy asked.
"It felt great." Riza beamed.
"See, look at that! The rules suck."
Riza frowned and looked at her gun curiously. "You're right..."
"Really?" Roy didn't think her morale would cave that fast.
"I just, I want to be the smart one. Everyone else in this fictional world is so stupid. Someone has to uphold the order."
"That's the author's job though." Roy said.
"She can't take us seriously." Riza sighed.
"You have a lot of pressure on you." Roy realized.
"Its so hard..." Riza murmured.
"Hey, It's to break the rules. To be crazy every now and again. If we didn't we'd never feel happy." Roy said kindly.
"You know, I think I misjudged you." Riza smiled.
"You're not the only one."
MEANWHILE
"There! It's all gone." Envy smiled as he tossed the pants, kupkakes, and hair ties into the fireplace. "It never happened."
Ed just lied down on the bed and pouted.
"Here, I'll go make some dinner." Envy smiled.
Ed just pouted in response.
When Envy left he rolled over and stared at the ceiling,
"Oh GIR, I thought the world was a nice place..." Ed sighed.
"I liked it." GIR said as he drew pictures of toilets on the floor.
"Me too..." Ed muttered. "That festival for that Prince guy's birthday was fun."
"I thought it was your birthday." GIR wondered.
"We yeah but the festival wasn't for..." Ed trailed off as he began thinking.
The boy in the kupkake shop who looked like his brother, the matching birthdays, the fact the prince had disappeared. It all became clear...
He beat down the door!
"MOTHER!" he shouted. "I'VE FIGURED OUT YOUR LITTLE SECRET!"
Envy froze.
"Whatever do you mean." he smiled as he turned to look at Ed.
"That festival for the missing prince, my birthday, it all makes sense now." Ed yelled.
"Ed dear you're overreacting."
"Just tell me the truth!" Ed shouted.
Envy glowered. "Fine," he snapped. "It's true, I'm not your mother. You are the missing prince."
Ed stared at him. "...Wait what? What? WHAT! YOU AREN'T MY MOM!"
Envy blinked. "Wasn't that what we we're talking about?"
"No!" Ed wailed. "I was going to say the missing Prince was GIR! Not me!"
"AWW! You mean I ain't a prince?" GIR said sadly.
"You've been lying to me?" Ed asked Envy.
Envy finally snapped. "OF COURSE I'VE BEEN LYING! HOW ON EARTH COULD I BE YOUR MOTHER? I HAVE GREEN HAIR! AND I'M A GUY!"
"Thats it!" Ed shouted. "Me and GIR are leaving!"
"Where will you go without your stupid friend Roy?" Envy asked.
Ed's eyes widened. "You set him up didn't you?"
Envy grinned wickedly."Yes I-"
"Didn't you?" Ed interrupted.
Envy frowned. "YES! I ALREADY SAID THAT!"
"DIDNT YOU!" Ed shouted.
"That is it!" Envy seethed. His eyes darkened and Ed felt a twinge of fear.
"I've had it with you and you're little smart attitude." Envy hissed.
"I'M NOT LITTLE!" Ed shouted.
"Yes you are shortie!" Envy snapped. "and now you're gonna get it!"
Meanwhile back in the prison, Roy and Riza were finally getting along on good terms.
Very good terms.
"Roy! I love you!" Riza said.
"Me too!" Roy said. He took her hands in his. "Want to go on a date with me tomorrow! We could rent historically inaccurate DVDs and the burn stuff!"
"There's nothing I'd like more!" Riza smiled. "But first-" she went over to the door and unlocked it.
"Why'd you do that?" Roy asked.
"I thought you said you had some friend you needed to rescue..."
Roy frowned and looked confused.
"Some blonde kid who was scared of bunnies."
Roy gasped. "OMIGOSH ED! I MUST GO RESCUE HIM!"
He got up to leave, but then looked back at Hawkeye.
"Come with me!" he said.
"Sorry," Riza sighed. "No can do, this is the climax of the story. The maximum amount of protagonists that can be present is two."
"Then wait for me!" Roy said. "I promise I'll return soon."
Riza smiled. "Make sure to set something on fire for me."
"You bet!" Roy smirked. He ran off.
One transition later Roy was back at the tower.
"Hey Ed? Are you up there? I've come to rescue you!"
There was no answer.
"Ed! Please tell me you're there! I don't want to use the stairs."
Suddenly Ed's lovely banana hair came flying out the window.
"Yes!" Roy cheered. "No stairs-I mean...You're alright!"
He quickly clambered up the hair.
"Ed!" he said as he pulled himself up to the window. Then he stopped.
Ed was tied and gagged on the floor and the person holding his hair was some kind of green cross-dresser.
"ROY!" Ed called through the gag. Except it sounded like Wraaoooy due to the muffling.
Before Roy could respond Envy had stepped forward and stabbed Roy.
"Aghhh!" Roy yelled. He fell over and hit the ground.
"Nooo!" Ed yelled. Except it sounded like DROOOOOO due to the muffling.
"Attack!" GIR shouted, flying at Envy. Envy grabbed him and threw him at a wall. He gave a little sputter of sparks before collapsing.
"There!" Envy smiled. "Now you and I are going to move to Green Land, where no one will find us."
"No!" Ed shouted, finally breaking free from the gag. "I won't go with you."
Envy frowned. "Like I care, now move it."
"Wait!" Ed yelled. "Let me heal Roy with my hair, if you let me do that I'll go with you, and I'll never try to escape."
Envy looked skeptical.
"I PROMISE!" Ed said.
"Alright fine!" Envy snapped. "Make it quick."
Ed rushed over to Roy.
"No Ed! Don't!" Roy exclaimed. "I'm not worth it."
"It'll be ok..." Ed said as he tugged on his own hair. But before he could start singing Roy suddenly pulled out a knife and sliced the bulk of Ed's hair off.
"Wha-?" Ed blinked in surprise as his hair immediately became duller.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screeched Envy. He turned back into a geko, and then he withered into dust.
"ROY!" Ed gasped. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"
"Now, you can be free..." Roy said happily.
"I was gonna heal you and then we were going to escape stupid!" Ed sobbed.
Roy looked confused.
"You said that-"
"I WAS LYING STUPID!" Ed wailed.
"Oh..." Roy frowned. "I guess that was pretty stupid."
Then it dawned on him. "Woah! Wait! So I'm dying?"
"YES!" Ed yelled.
"I can't die! I'm Roy Mustang! This isn't fair! Don't I get a redo or something?"
"No!" Ed cried.
"Well..." Roy looked at Ed with tear filled eyes. "Tell my fangirls I love them Ed."
Then he died.
"My only friend just died in my arms..." Ed said in monotone.
Then he put his head in his hands and cried.
"GOOD NIGHT SWEET PRINCE! AND MAY ANGELS SING YOU TO THY REST!" Edward wailed.
Suddenly, there was a beautiful glow of banana colored air particles that illuminated the room (because I can't call it Light without gagging.)
Edward gasped as Roy began to glow and float, and then all the light went into Roy's wound.
"Roy? Roy can you hear me?" Ed asked.
Roy coughed before opening his eyes a bit.
"What healed me?" he gasped.
"I think it was the magical shakespeare quote." Ed explained. "That or nano-genes."
Roy looked confused, but quickly got over it.
"So now what do we do?" he asked.
"KUPKAKES!" Ed cheered.
"KUPKAKES!" GIR shouted, the sound of his favorite word reviving him.
The three had one big group hug full of laughing and happiness. Then they all got upset when they realized they'd have to take the stairs.
EPILOGUE
(don't worry it's better than the Harry Potter one...although I liked the Harry Potter one)
Afterwards Queen Trisha and King Ho Ho Daddy were so happy to have their son back that they began acknowledging Alphonse again, who in turn became sufficiently less emo with parental affection and the return of his big brother. Shortly after this story he was sent away to live with three magic fairies so he would not prick his finger and die. However that plan did not work and he is now forever sealed in a suit of armor waiting for loves true kiss. (However his armor doesn't have lips.)
Roy and Riza got married and now own a DVD store where they sell historically inaccurate DVD's. To celebrate their marriage they burned down Ed's old tower...and then later the whole kingdom.
Ed where's boys clothes now, and he and GIR rule the country and created national kupkakes day for all to cherish.
And they all lived happily ever after...
Except for Phil the dead Geko
THE END