The XCOM Provisional Rulebook
Compiled by Major Daniel "The Typo" Simmons
Stories provided by the men and women of the XCOM project
Foreword
This provisional rulebook has been constructed in an attempt to limit the number of casualties among members of the XCOM project, following a great many unfortunate incidents among staff and field operatives alike. This rulebook has been some 20 years in the making, following my participation in the XCOM project in 2015 and my recovery in 2030. It's clear to me that some members of the project don't take their jobs very seriously, so I've been authorized to provide you all with a list of things NOT to do and the accompanying results. These rules are written in the order in which the event was remembered or documented and you have been provided with an account of the situation for reference.
Rule 1: The Commander is not a deity of any kind; don't refer to him as such
Sgt. Milander,
I am contacting you to put an end to this foolishness about the Commander being a god. To begin with, 'forming a triangle of subservient human flesh' outside of the Commander's office prevents the Commander from leaving and blocks all passage through that hallway. Adding "All Hail the Commandy One" as an addendum to all references to the Commander is extremely disrespectful and is considered insubordination. In addition, you may not refer to the Commander as a fallen god simply because we lost the war. The activities of XCOM are not the Commander's attempts to regain his ivory throne atop the world and you may not tell this to new recruits, nor can you otherwise attempt to inspire religious fervor in new recruits
*All Hail the Commandy One has been written in a different person, then scratched out*
The next day, a large banner outside the mess hall proclaimed "XCOM Vets Against Religious Oppression". Despite not breaking the rules due to the technicality of inspiring religious fervor in new recruits, Sergeant Milander was ordered to report to the Commander's Office for discipline. To this day, some staff members whisper tales of the Commandy One to one another, and there have been complaints of field operatives shouting "For the Great Commandy One" as a battle cry.
Rule 2: While inventive, grappling hooks may not be used to bring enemies closer
Name: Sq. Herman Trill
Condition: Stable
Description of wounds: Light lacerations along arms and face, minor concussion, one broken rib, and a dislocated shoulder
Synopsis: Squaddie Trill was reportedly in the middle of an intense firefight, when Trill noticed there was only one remaining enemy entrenched in deep cover, he decided to use his Skeleton Suit's grappling hook to pull the enemy out of cover. Squaddie Trill supposedly stood up and shouted "Get over here!" before firing the grappling hook. Unfortunately for Trill, the hook lodged itself into an enemy Muton's armor. The Muton saw this and began to run in the opposite direction. Trill's shoulder was immediately dislocated, and Trill was dragged into a motorcycle, over a concrete divider, and swung through the front and rear windows of a car. This was cut short by Lt. Pakston killing the Muton with her sniper rifle. The team spent some time removing the hook from the alien's armor, forcing Big Sky to wait in a potential hot zone for fifteen minutes while the hook was removed and Trill was retrieved from the car.
Physician's note: We've received several cases like this and it's getting annoying. I'll admit to finding the injury funny the first time, but this is the fourth incident. Whichever pencil-neck plasma jockey is telling our inexperienced soldiers that this is a good idea needs to be tasked with French-kissing a Thin Man.
Rule 3: Rookies may not be used or referred to as a disposable resource
To all personnel,
We are trying to maintain a positive image of XCOM in order to regularly recruit soldiers to our cause, and to this end we encourage soldiers to advise rookies on how to behave in the field. Lt. Mueller's methods of using rookies to absorb incoming fire are highly unorthodox and extremely dangerous, and should never be attempted again. In addition, rookies may not be referred to as any of the following: red-shirts, target practice, meat shields, mobile cover, bullet monkeys, blood bags, the distraction, or dead men walking. The list is not all-encompassing and any other morale-reducing names should be considered prohibited. As a reminder, rookies are to be treated with respect and not treated as though they are an infinitely expendable form of protection for those of higher rank.
Rule 4: Captured hardware cannot be personalized
The following is the transcript of an announcement
To all personnel currently staffed in Engineering, we are pleased that the appropriation of the alien craft is going well, but you are to be reminded that this hardware is not your property, nor is it the property of the Engineering department. That said, we don't know who painted the name Doof-Wagon onto the side of the UFO and attached speakers that constantly play Danger Zone on loop, but the name and attachments to the UFO aren't your decision to make. If you do it again we will be forced to interrogate the staff until one of you confesses.
Rule 5: Psi soldiers are to use their abilities on enemies only
Rookie Stanowitcz laughed as he sat next to Captain Penn's stolen clothes. He'd been on base for only a month, and he'd already established himself as a troublemaker. His latest prank had involved stealing Penn's clothes and towel as he entered the shower and heading to the barracks, thus forcing Penn to walk naked to the barracks to retrieve his clothes, in full view of everyone. Ten minutes later, Captain Penn entered the barracks, his skin still slightly wet from his shower. He made no attempt to cover himself as he stood in front of a snickering Stanowitcz. Calmly, Penn put a hand to his temple and focused. The rookie immediately began punching himself in the face repeatedly. Stanowitcz found he couldn't stop himself, or even resist the movements of his arms. Penn's voice chanted in imitation of a child, "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself" as Stanowitcz beat his own face with his fists. Within a minute, the recruit had punched himself into unconsciousness, allowing Penn to stare at the rookie and smile as he reached for his uniform.