Disclaimer: I do not own The Mortal Instruments, Shadowhunters, or anything pertaining to either of these works except my own writing. All the rights go to the rightful owners.
A/N: My take on what will happen at the end of ep12 Malec.
Alec wasn't totally sure about what he'd been thinking. Not about anything. Proposing to Lydia, nearly going through with it, leaving the ceremony in abandonment of the whole plan. A Shadowhunter, he'd been raised to have honor and follow through with anything he swore to do. But now he was walking around New York, everything he'd ever clung to falling apart in his hands. He felt like a failure, while at the same time unable to make himself feel sorry. He couldn't marry Lydia. He had always known that deep in his heart. For once, he had done something completely and selfishly for himself. And it was exhilarating.
He had gone home to his bedroom and taken off his jacket, disbelief forcing him to press his palms onto the table. And then he wondered why he was there. Everyone would return in mere minutes to find him, which is the last thing he wanted. So for two hours, without a glamour, he traveled the streets of the city and let himself breathe. For once, for once, he didn't feel like his hands were tied behind his back. He'd always moved forward with blinders on, and having them taken off made him want to take his life back, made him wonder how he had gone through so much of it in that limited way.
Having texted his sister that he was okay–for the first time, truly, sincerely okay–Alec found himself wandering to Magnus Bane's loft. The Institute would be in chaos and dealing with that right now did not sound in the least appealing. He walked down the hall towards the sliding doors, nerves pulsing in his head.
He knocked, and from inside Alec heard the slightly bitter voice, coming closer: "Who dares disturb the High Warlock of Brooklyn…" The doors had opened, and Magnus now stood staring.
"Hey," Alec managed. "I–Sorry about coming here so late…"
Magnus swirled the glass in his hand and, watching its contents, didn't make eye contact. "Saying goodbye before the honeymoon?"
"I didn't go through with it," Alec told him. "I couldn't."
Magnus looked up then, despite himself. "I'm sure that caused drama with Maryse."
"I haven't spoken to her. I've been walking around the city all night. Going back to the Institute, seeing everybody…" Alec shook his head. "They'll freak out."
"I understand," Magnus said, sincere, "but, why come here?" He saw that Alec looked uncomfortable in the hallway, so he indicated for him to come inside.
"I've lived here my whole life," Alec said, stepping into the loft, "and the only place I've ever known is the Institute. It's where my family is. It should be my safest place. But I came here tonight, without thinking. I think that means something."
Magnus set his drink onto the table with a delicate clearing of his throat. "And what, exactly, do you think it means?"
"I'm not sure. But what you said the other day, I realized… Standing before Lydia, all those Shadowhunters, I knew I'd been wrong." Magnus lifted his eyebrows, inviting Alec to continue. "I have always made my family my heart, because I was always too afraid to make myself feel what I always felt. But making my life about them drains away the love I need to save for myself. Keeps me from differentiating between what I want for them and what I want for me."
"And… you've come to this revelation due to your few hours alone in the city?"
Magnus sounded incredulously skeptical, and Alec couldn't blame him. He hadn't treated Magnus very well in their short past. "That… and your advice. Living for myself, not everybody else."
"There was clearly a misunderstanding when I said that. I thought my words would make you understand your heart," Magnus said, "not send you tripping into the arms of an envoy for the Clave."
"I know," Alec said. His eyes fell to the floor, feeling foolish for having come here.
Magnus' expression softened. "You're only just letting yourself be who you are," he acknowledged. "That's a big step on its own. If you don't feel comfortable going back to the Institute, you can stay here."
"I… I don't know what to say," Alec said, a slight but genuine smile appearing on his lips for the first time all day.
"Don't say anything." Magnus restrained himself from touching Alec and gestured to the loft around them. "Just make yourself at home, Alexander."