The Dark Is Rising ~ The Parody

by Minttown1

"I can feel the power of the Dark. But do they dare come to a sacred place like Sheetz?"

Dark Is Rising

When the Dark comes rising, six shall turn it back;

Three from the circle, three from the track.

Corkboard, tarnished copper, rust, bottled distilled water, rock candy, soot;

Five will return, and one... go ... on foot.

Rust for the birthday, tarnished copper carried long;

Corkboard from the burning, rock candy out of song;

Soot in the candle-ring, bottled distilled water from the thaw;

Six Signs the circle, and Merriman's nutty niece and nephews found the grail before.

Setting: The Stanton "Farm"

Midwinter's Eve; 8:00 PM

(a woman is standing at the door, knocks)

(Mary answers)

MARY: Hallo. What can I do for you?

WOMAN: Dude! Can I do your hair?

MARY: No.

WOMAN: Fine. Then I'd like a rabbit.

MARY: Okay. Will! Show this woman where the rabbits are!
(Will comes outside)
WOMAN: What's that music? It's pretty.
WILL: (yelling:) Paul! If you don't stop playing Greensleeves I'm gonna shove that flute
MRS STANTON: Will!
WILL: Come on. I'll show you where the rabbits are.
(Will and the woman walk to the rabbit pen)
WOMAN: I'll take the white one with the brown tail.
(Will opens the pen)
(the rabbit jumps out and bites him)
WILL: The little @#%$er bit me! I've never seen the rabbits this restless before.
(a parrot flies down and starts pecking on Will)
WILL: Darn parrots. Shouldn't they be... roosting... by now?
WOMAN: I don't know. Beware the snow, Will.
WILL: What? It's not even snowing. I wish it would snow for my birthday...
WOMAN: Oh. Happy birthday, Will. Um, here's a chunk of metal. Put it on your belt. You'll need it to get through the night.
WILL: I need a chunk of iron to get through the night? It's half-rusted. (mutters:) Darn cheap Americans.
WOMAN: So, what are you doing for your birthday?
WILL: You Americans and your bloody small talk! Fine. (sighs) I get liver and onions, asparagus, succotash and spinach for my birthday.
WOMAN: Yum. That's exactly what I'd choose too.
WILL: Yeah, but the twins wanna kick my butt for choosing liver. Well, toodles.

Setting: Will's Bedroom
That night, midnight-ish
(the skylight breaks)
WILL: What? I didn't even know I had a skylight...
PAUL: Will, are you okay?
WILL: My apparently new skylight broke.
PAUL: Hmm. Latch must be loose. Looks like you got that snow you wanted. Have fun shoveling in the morning. Now, let's get this cleaned up.
(Will and Paul are cleaning up the snow)
(Will finds a parrot feather and puts it in his pocket)
PAUL: Well, we've got this mess cleaned up. Father will fix your window in the morning. Why don't you come sleep in my room till then?
WILL: I'm not that kind of boy! I'm sleeping on the couch!

Setting: Will's Living Room
Midwinter's Day; 6:30 AM
(Will gets up and looks around)
WILL: Mom! Where's my liver, woman!? Mom? Mom! Wow, they're really asleep. (music...) That sounds like Paul. Well, off I go. (goes inside)
(walks a little bit then turns around)
WILL: The house is gone! Well, good riddance. Hey, it's the dude from Baskin Robbins! Troy!
TROY: Would you like some bread and honey, Will?
WILL: No, you cheapskate. I want ice cream!
TROY: Jeez, I hope Merriman's right about you. You don't seem very Old One-ish to me. Well, he's the boss.
(the Rider comes over)
RIDER: Hey, Will! Little buddy. Give me some skin, man!
WILL: I hate when old people try to act hip.
RIDER: You impertinent snot. (grabs Will)
TROY: Be gone with you! By the power of the Light, I banish you!
RIDER: Jeez. Someone's feeling snippish. (rides away)
WILL: That ice cream scoop's shaped just like this piece of junk that weird American gave me.
TROY: You gotta hate those Americans. Hey look! It's tall doors!
WILL: Cool. Solid wood. I'm gonna go in.
(goes in)
OLD LADY: Will, bring me my shawl. And my oxygen tank.
MERRIMAN: (whispers:) Don't. We're just kind of waiting for her to croak.
OLD LADY: You better not be trying to kill me over there, Merriman Lyon!
MERRIMAN: Will Stanton, last of the Old Ones, Sign Seeker. I am Merriman Lyon. This is... um... Lady. She doesn't have a name.
OLD LADY: Will, dear, my cane? Please?
MERRIMAN: Shut up, ya old hag! Young Will, have you been noticing anything weird lately?
WILL: You mean other than my entire family being comatose? Or my brother coming onto me?
MERRIMAN: You're the first Old One to be born in, like, twenty years. You're also the last ever. It is your quest to find all six Signs of the Light. You already have the Sign of Rust.
WILL: Yeah. Any idea why a parrot took a chunk of my scalp off yesterday?
MERRIMAN: Parrots are a symbol of the Dark.
WILL: (laughs) The Dark? Yeah, I'm sure.
MERRIMAN: (puts hand on Will's shoulder) I know this must all be hard to believe Will, but it
WILL: Don't put your hand on my shoulder again, you freakin' child molester!
OLD LADY: Oh, I seem to have wet my Depends.
MERRIMAN: Wait, Will, I can prove it. Um, I know that you found the Playboys in the back of Stephen's closet.
WILL: Works both ways. We all know about your autographed picture of Richard Simmons. Now, if you would excuse me...
MERRIMAN: You did it Will! You read my mind and found out about the picture. Now let's try setting stuff on fire.
WILL: No. I'm going home. (leaves)
(back in the house:)
MRS STANTON: Don't call me "woman", Will. Your birthday is no excuse to be a sexist a**hole.
JAMES: People! Too many people! Claustrophobia setting in!

Setting: Bus
December Something-Or-Other; noonish
WILL: And then my brother didn't send me a birthday present! Dead beat sailor.
(driver points to sign PLEASE DON'T TALK TO BUS DRIVER)
(Will gets off)
WALKER: Take it! The parrots are after me!
WILL: Take what?
WALKER: The Sign of Tarnished Copper! I'll have nothing more to do with it. (throws it and runs off)
(Will starts to thread the Sign onto his belt)
MAGGIE: Hey! I'm flattered, but you're a little young. (coquettish smile) Some dirty old man took my... copper... y... thing. Can I have it back?
WILL: No. It's mine.
MAGGIE: Parrots, attack!
MERRIMAN: (gibberish)
(Maggie disappears)
MERRIMAN: Seems Maggie got to you. She's really an agent of the Dark.
WILL: It's always the quiet coquettish ones, huh?

Setting: Dawson's Farm
Christmas Eve
JAMES: I don't wanna carry the yule log!
WILL: I have to carry the tree, so shut your pie hole.
OLD GEORGE: Here, Will, have some mistletoe. Guards against the Dark.
WILL: But if I hang that up Mum and Dad will be going at it all the time, and I like being the youngest.
OLD GEORGE: You smart-mouthed little kid! Hang the darn mistletoe! (stomps away)
(later, back at the Stanton home:)
WILL: Hey, who's name starts with T?
(Mrs Stanton runs upstairs crying)
JAMES: Good job, Will. (punches Will)
WILL: Ow! Forget it. Who cares who he is. Hey, my ornament's the Never mind. Let's go caroling!
(at the manor:)
STANTON KIDS: (singing) What child is this
WILL: (to himself:) Hate this BLEEPing song, hate this BLEEPing song...
PAUL: (to flute:) Yes, my pretty, soon you'll be mine.
MARY: (to self) I wonder how my bangs look...
(everybody freezes)
MERRIMAN: Come on, Will. The real party's in here.
(they walk into other room)
WILL: Ooh! Cocktail franks.
MERRIMAN: (to Hawkin:) Yeah, I'll meet you on the balcony while he's reading the book. (Hawkin whispers) Yeah, you can keep the jacket, you just can't keep it on. (Hawkin whispers) Stop it! (giggles)
(Hawkin walks away)
WILL: You're sleeping with your foster son? Woody Allen wannabe.
MERRIMAN: That was an off-color remark. Come on, Hawkin. Let's get this snot his book and attend to "other matters".
(Merriman holds Hawkin's hand and grabs the book)
MERRIMAN: Whew. That was close. Read the book, Will. Come on Hawkin.
(later:)
WILL: That book was like a good acid trip, Merriman.
MERRIMAN: Tsk. Now Hawkin's gonna go sleep with that sl** Maggie Barnes. Oh well, nothing to be done. Let's go attend a Sign renewing. (stumbles) I'm feeling a little tipsy. Tell the gang I can't make it. They'll just think I'm screwing Hawkin. Toodles, Will.
MISS GREYTHORNE: Will! Time for the renewing of the Sign of Corkboard. Wanna help?
WILL: No.
MISS GREYTHORNE: Will! Throw this bulletin board on the fire.
WILL: No! If you want the BLEEP BLEEP bulletin board on the BLEEP BLEEP fire get off your crippled butt and do it yourself!
MISS GREYTHORNE: Fine. Good luck finding the thing later.
WILL: Kiss mine.
(back in real time:)
(Will picks the Sign up off a table)
WILL: (telepathically) You could've hidden it a little better, you old crippled hag.
MISS GREYTHORNE: (sweetly:) Paul, could you please play us Greensleeves?
WILL: (telepathically:) B****.

Setting: Stantons' Living Room
Christmas Morning
WILL: This is one ugly freakin' mask.
(knock)
MR STANTON: Hello, Mr Mitothin. That's Mary, with the hair. The nut playing Greensleeves is Paul. James is the one b****ing to his mother, and that little fella is my youngest, Will.
RIDER: Merry Christmas, Will.
WILL: Up yours.
MRS STANTON: Will!
RIDER: I hate to feel as if I'm intruding, but could I possibly stay for breakfast?
MRS STANTON: Of course, the more the merrier! Will, go set another place at the table.
WILL: Mom! Screw this. I'm going to Sheetz. Come on, Paul.
(Will and Paul leave)

Setting: Sheetz
Christmas Day; 9:00 AM
WILL: Thank God for always-open convenience stores. (to self:) I can feel the power of the Dark. But do they dare come to a sacred place like Sheetz?
PAUL: Are you okay, Will? You look sick. Maybe I should take you home. Hey, look, it's Old George! And Farmer Dawson. (faints)
DAWSON: What did you do to him? And where are Joey, Jen, and Pacey? That a**hole slept with my girlfriend! We're goin' Pacey-huntin'. (leaves)
WILL: I knocked Paul out.
OLD GEORGE: We need to fight back the Dark. Guys! Get out of the potato chip rack!
WILL: I don't understand how the Dark can be in a place like Sheetz.
OLD GEORGE: Because, Will, Sheetz is the very place where people give thoughts to deeds of the Dark. Rising gas prices, coffee burns... These are all things of the Dark.
WILL: Oh.
(the Old Ones are all holding hands and exerting their mental powers against the Dark)
WILL: Here, you two hold hands. I have an idea. (breaks away from circle; laces parrot feather through the Sign of Tarnished Copper; holds up belt)
MAGGIE BARNES: Aah! The Dark is powerless against a J.C. Penney's belt!
(Dark disappears)
WILL: The Signs are glowing. And so is that candy display.
OLD GEORGE: Hurry, Will!
(Will grabs the sign off the rack)
MERRIMAN: Congratulations, Will. You've gotten the Sign of Rock Candy.
(Paul sits up)
PAUL: Will? Who are those people?
WILL: Just harmless gang members getting ready to rob the place.
PAUL: But that's Old George from Dawson's place.
OLD GEORGE: Um, no it's not.
PAUL: Oh. Alright then. Toodles.
(Will and Paul go outside)
PAUL: Look, Will, it's a parrot. Let's follow him.
(turn a corner, Walker is lying in the alley)
WILL: Hmm. Interesting. Let's go home, Paul.
PAUL: We can't just leave him here! What's gotten into you, William Chrysanthemum Stanton?
(later, in Will's dream:)
WILL: Look at those pansies playing their little fifes. Why are we having a funeral for a bird?
MERRIMAN: We're not. It's not a bird. We're celebrating the old hag dying! And that chunk of junk on her finger is gonna bring in some cash for us.
FIFE BOY: Beware the snow, Will.
WILL: Okay.
MERRIMAN: He's right, Will. This is some bad a** snow we've got.
WILL: Can I wake up now?

Setting: Some Store In Town
A few days after Christmas; noonish
MERRIMAN: Mr Stanton, would you like to come to the manor to stay?
MR STANTON: I'll do well not to take advice from a butler, thank you.
MERRIMAN: I see where Will gets it from now. (to Will:) You must get the Walker out of your home. If he's at the manor your family will be safer.
WILL: So?
MERRIMAN: Just do it. We'll have mince pies.
WILL: Ooh!

Setting: The Manor
That Evening
WILL: You're an amazing actor. They really thought you were sick.
WALKER: What? The Rider's gonna come for me you know. Then you'll get you just desserts.
WILL: Speaking of mince pies... (walks away)
MERRIMAN: Where's the Walker? You're supposed to be watching him. Darn you, Will.
WALKER: Lords of the Dark, come on in!
DOCTOR: Enough of that rambling. Here you go. (gives him a sedative)
MERRIMAN: Come, Will, we're gonna go get the Sign of Soot.
WILL: Well, that's all well and good, but Miss Greythorne made amazing punch this year.
MERRIMAN: Just grab a BLEEP BLEEP candle, you arrogant little BLEEP BLEEP. Now we put the candles in a circle.
(the candles start to smoke)
WILL: I can't breathe!
MERRIMAN: Good. There we are. The Sign of Soot.
WILL: The Sign of Soot looks like a chunk of old silver to me.
MERRIMAN: It is.
MAX: Mum fell down the stairs, Will!
WILL: (insincerely:) Oh, no. Let's, hurry, Max.
(later, at the Stanton home:)
JAMES: (crying) And then she left, and I can't find her... Waah!
PAUL: Come on Will. Let's go find her. Try to be of some help, James.
(outside:)
PAUL: Tell me the truth, Will. Is the mob after you?
WILL: No. Just a bunch of supernatural beings.
PAUL: Wow, you're really scared of that mob, aren't you, Will? Will! Darnit.
(meanwhile:)
WILL: The agreement was that I get you your signs. There was nothing in that about delivering a horse.
OLD GEORGE: Someone needs to, Will.
WILL: Why don't you take him the horse yourself, then, Old George?
OLD GEORGE: All you've done the last two weeks is complain, Will. Now, count to one hundred and take the BLEEP BLEEP horse to the BLEEPing hunter. (leaves)
WILL: One, two, skip a few, ninety-nine, one hundred.
(the white mare "canters" over)
WILL: Wow. That was easy enough. Let's go find Herne.
(I didn't follow this part of the book, but they somehow end up on an island)
WALKER: The girl for the Signs, Old One.
WILL: Never!
WALKER: Lord of the Dark, come to me!
WILL: Okay, that's just getting old.
RIDER: Look, I have total control over your sister. Mary, give the horse this carrot. (hands her nothing) I do like the way she handles that imaginary carrot.
(the horse jumps in the river and Mary lands on the bank; Merriman gets her)
(I didn't follow this part either, but Will's on some magically appearing ship)
WILL: Merriman, should I take the Sign? It seems wrong to take tribute from the dead.
MERRIMAN: We took that gaudy ring from the old chick, didn't we?
WILL: I guess. (takes the Sign) Hey, Merriman! It's just a hunk of plastic!
MERRIMAN: It's the Sign of Bottled Distilled Water. Now, let's get that horse to the hunter.
(later, at Herne's Oak, or whatever it was:)
HERNE: I don't wanna put this mask on. And a pure white horse is stupid to ride in at night. They'll see me coming a mile away.
(the Dark comes for Will)
(the hounds come)
(the Dark leaves)
(The Hunter and the hounds leave)
WILL: What?! I've spent two weeks finding these BLEEP BLEEP Signs, and all you needed to get rid of the Dark was a few puppies?! Darnit, Merriman! You keep BLEEPing with me.
MERRIMAN: Hawkin, the choice was always yours.
HAWKIN: You really did love me, didn't you?
MERRIMAN: Um, why not?
HAWKIN: Cool. (dies)
WILL: Hey, it's those sissy fife players again.
SMITH: Hey. Give those here, boy. (joins the Signs)
OLD LADY: Congratulations, Will. Until we meet again.
WILL: I thought you were dead!
MERRIMAN: No such luck.
(Lady hits Merriman with her cane)
MERRIMAN: Ow! You old itch-bay.

Setting: Stanton Farm
That day; later
MARY: We found your mask, and I got to ride a horse, and mum's okay, and
WILL: Shut up!
MERRIMAN: Miss Greythorne sent this for you Paul.
PAUL: The flute! Wow! Please thank her for me, sir.
MERRIMAN: Will, she sent you this.
WILL: A horn?
MERRIMAN: Yes, a hunting horn. To be used later.
WILL: Later? Uh uh. No way.
(Paul is playing Greensleeves)
MERRIMAN: Till we meet again, Sign Seeker. (leaves through the doors)

NARRATOR: But we mustn't forget, that even after his adventures as an Old One, Will Stanton's still just a poor farm boy.

WILL: I don't want to wear James's old clothes! This is an ugly shirt!
MRS STANTON: You'll wear it and like it, Will Stanton.

~*~*~*~*~

Not a word changed since this was written over two years ago. Hope you enjoyed, and feel free to review on the site or at minttown1@aol.com. Thanks!