One Reason why Interstellar Marriage Should be Illegal
By: DYlogger and Hooked on FFN
[Dee, Jan. 11, 2015: HELLO FRIENDS THIS FIC HAS UPDATED. AFTER FIVE YEARS. HAHA. HA. Enjoy. Holy frick I was such a little shit.]
HOFF: Hay guys! Yeah, a friend of ours gave us this idea. Her name is SHE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED.
Dee: In other words, she won't let us post her name on FFN. And she won't tell us her penname to post because she's an evil -
HOFF: …Okay. This story is 47% RobStar bashing, 14% MPreg bashing-
Dee: -And 34% BB/Rae bashing, 14.7% Tamaranian Traditions bashing, and 19.7% Youtube!Toaster!Cyborg bashing!
HOFF: 0.04% Robin bashing, and 27.5% Crack! (Figures don't add up to 100 because of rounding.)
Dee: Also because of our laziness to get a calculator. REMEMBER, THIS IS CRACK! That means we know that Starfire doesn't use 'Friend' or 'Boyfriend' as a prefix to every proper noun, and that A/Ns shouldn't go into the middle of a fic.
HOFF: Also it means Flames will be used to make grape juice for our cats. And their petpets.
Dee: Or minipets. Whatever we prefer. :) Now Bob will do the disclaimer.
HOFF: YOU GAVE AWAY MY NAME! WHY ME, BEANIE? OKAY, I'm pushing this back onto Bernice.
Dee: My name is not Bernice! Whatever, I'll do the Disclaimer. WE OWN NOTHING BLAH.
"Starfire! What the heck is happening?/? My puke has never been purple before!1 Not that I'd know; I haven't puked in forever!"
"Mmhph!"
"Wake up, Star!"
"Oh, Beast Boy, how I love you so!"
"What?"
"Oh, hello, Boyfriend Robin. On my planet Tamaran, it is customary to declare our love to the partner's good friend!"
"Oh. OKAY, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?"
"Oh, no, Robin, we forgot to use protection!"
"No, we didn't. Here's the condom."
"What is a condom, Boyfriend Robin?"
"Quit calling me that! And a condom is the protection!"
"The rubbery stretchy substance you stretched over your vfgsdj? I thought that was part of Earthen intercourse."
"Er… yes it is… um…"
"So how is it protection?"
"See, it stops sperm from my body- oh, wait. I should really have Cyborg explain all this to you."
"Explain what?"
"Oh, hey, Cy. Explain- HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN OUR BEDROOM?"
"Oh, I decided to come here to get porn to post on YouTube."
"What?"
"Yeah, see that blinking red light?"
"That's your eye."
"If it's blinkin', it's filmin'."
"Wait. So that huge hula skirt incident we promised never to mention…"
"One million views, baby! Booyah! Oh, and you just mentioned what we promised not to mention… you owe us each five bucks! Booyah again! So, watcha talkin' 'bout? No protection, eh, Robin? I always thought you more responsible than that…"
"Wipe that f*kn' grin off your face, Cy. And we did use protection. Not that it's your business."
"Er, no, Boyfriend Robin, we didn't."
"Yes we did! You're not going to get pregnant! The condom was the-"
"But I am not the one who could get pregnant."
"Aw, man! I spent $5.99 on those! Well, at least we won't get STDs."
"Actually, they're called STIs now."
"That's stupid."
"YOU HAD A GROUP ORGY AND DIDN'T INVITE ME AND BEAST BOY? FOR THAT, YOUR DAUGHTER WILL PRICK HER HAND ON A… A TOASTER ON HER SIXTH BIRTHDAY AND TWO DAYS AND DIE!1!"
"What? We didn't have a group orgy! Cy's-"
"Not here!"
"Yes you are! You're right there!"
"Whaddaya talking about? I'm a toaster!"
"With a blinking red light and a speech program."
"Yeah! I'm the new model of the Ubërtoast 5000!"
"Cyborg, we know it's you. We never bought a toaster before. We all just use your head. And your stupid computer doesn't even know that ten minutes at 'sun temperature' is enough to turn anything into LIQUID ash."
"Killjoy."
"Do you not mean 'Joykill', friend Cyborg?"
"No."
"REMEMBER, SHE WILL DIE!1!"
"Okay Raven, we got that. Youtubers don't like repetition. Okay, yes they do. They like it a lot…"
"That's what she said."
"…"
"HOLY CRAPPERS SHE GHOSETED AWAY! LIKE-"
"Dude, have you been watching Danny Phantom again? And by the way, we knew she was going to do that. Stop pouting. DON'T WHINE. No, don't open your mouth. No, I am not forbidding you to do everything. Ah, no whining. "
"You're psychic!"
"Yes, yes I am."
"Wait a moment. We will have a daughter? Star! You told me you are infertile!"
"I am!"
"But Raven's… RAVEN! She's never wrong!"
"Yes, she is right. I cannot get pregnant."
"There's something you're not telling me… OH HOLY MOTHER OF F*** YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT MY BRIEF, HOT, SEXY AFFAIR WITH WONDER WOMAN!"
"WHAT? No, I didn't!"
"Oh. Then forget I said anything."
"Yes, Boyfriend Robin."
"So, what was that thing you're not telling me about?"
"One person in our relationship can get pregnant. That person is not me."
"HOLY MOTHERF*CK YOU'VE BEEN HAVING A BRIEF, HOT, SEXY AFFAIR WITH WONDER WOMAN AND SPEEDY? I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING SHE WASN'T TELLING ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?"
"Boyfriend Robin, who is this Wonder woman you speak of? The name is unfamiliar to me."
"Um, long, flowing hair? Deep, gorgeous almond blue eyes? Great body? Skimpy American costume? Screams really-"
"Doesn't ring a bell."
"Blue panties with stars?"
"HER?"
"Yes."
"I still do not know her."
"Oh, okay. Forget what I just said."
"Yes, boyfriend Robin."
"Dang, that's some great stuff. Two million views easy!"
"Cyborg! You freaking TOASTER! What are you still doing here? Leave or I'll kill you. That is, if Silkie doesn't first."
"Gaah! Mutant… something slobber!"
"Caterpillar."
"Anyways, I'm half dead- I mean robot- anyways."
"Damn. Wait- you've been watching Danny Phantom!"
"What? No! I'm speaking the truth!"
"Put a sock in it, Cy. Everyone knows that's body paint. Except Starfire."
"Darn."
"Cool cannon, though."
"Thanks."
"Wait, there's only two people in our relationship."
"What?"
"Talking to Starfire. Get out."
"Not gonna happen, dude."
"Er… Boyfriend Robin?"
"Yeah, Star?"
"Did you figure it out?"
"Um, not ye- HOLY MOTHERF*ING GOD I'M PREGGERS! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? Wait, I'm male. We can't get pregnant. I don't have ovaries or a uterus or time of months a bunch of other girl stuff."
"Yes. Females have those body parts. Do you have an appendix?"
"I got it removed when I was seven. Why?"
"Well, the baby was supposed to be carried there… but now that you don't have one…"
"I'm not pregnant?"
"Darn."
"Please be quiet and let my boyfriend and me continue our conversation. No, Boyfriend Robin, you are still pregnant. The baby is just going to be carried in either your bladder or your testicles."
"Oh. Okay. WHAT?"
"It is an umpa more painful when giving birth."
"An 'umpa'?"
"What you humans would call a 'tad'. Three glorbags, two elephants, and a cement mixer's worth."
"Oh, okay. Wait, what? HOLY *************************! I HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH? Wait, how's the baby supposed to be delivered?
"Perhaps we can come to that when it is time in three weeks?"
"Three weeks? Spit it out now, Starfire."
"Er… it's Tamaranian mating custom that the male has to discover it himself?"
"Shyeah right. Shouldn't Tamaranian males already know that? Screw your customs. Tell me."
"Alright, Boyfriend Robin. You must first test if it is your bladder or your testicles. If it is your bladder, you must not leak waste for the pregnancy period and eject it all out at the end of the three weeks."
"And if it's in my testicles?"
"You would have to ejaculate out the baby when bottoming during anal intercourse with your best male friend."
"You Tamaranians are sluts, you know that?"
"Thank you, Robin."
"It wasn't a compliment."
"It is on my planet."
"And another thing; I'M NOT GAY AND THERE'S NO WAY I'M HAVING SEX WITH SPEEDY! Although it is Gay Pride weekend."
"What? I'm not your best friend?"
"Shut it, Toasterborg. He's my best friend because he's fun to compare hair gel brands with."
"Well, Boyfriend Robin, if you do not wish to have brief, hot, sexy, anal intercourse with Friend Speedy, we can always use this."
"What is that?"
"My piowstre."
"Can't I just use a dildo?"
"That is against our customs."
"Then I want an abortion!"
"Alright. I'll just burn your bladder or testicles off with my Starbolts-"
"What? Then I want a C-Section!"
"What is a C-Section, Boyfriend Robin?"
"Uh…"
"Friend Cyborg?"
"Uhhh… Hey, readers, if I get 100 video comments I'll post the next part!"
"Cyborg, give me the tape…"
"Ahhh!"
TBC…
HOFF: Yay! More Notes! Did we unbury your deep, sudden, inexplicable urge to kill us and bash your computer into the wall yet?
Dee: If you did, join the club and get in line! Wait… I swear I've said that before…
HOFF: ORE LYE?
Dee: Huh? I hate being portrayed as clueless…
HOFF: ORLY? By the way, My name is Cob, not Bob. Cob, short for Cobtain.
Dee: What kind of name is Cobtain? 'Ben Dover' would be better.
Ben (Our beta): HEY!
HOFF: Shut up, Dover.
Dee: To make you feel worse, your name is worse than 'Ivana Spankings'.
Ivana (Our audiencer): HEY!
HOFF: Shut up, Spankings.
Dee: I thought we killed those two for hiring Grant Morrison and possibly Judd Winickonto the DCU team? Or his horrible cookies?
HOFF: Killing never works in this freaking fandom.
Dee: So… give us 100 reviews or we won't post again! (I MEAN WE AREN'T GOING TO POST AGAIN ANYWAY BUT 100 REVIEWS WOULD BE NICE!)
HOFF: And we'll hurl Ivana's "Cyborg Toaster" cookies (Bouns #2: type killjoy in the review along with B#1 and we'll send you something niftier) at you. Hey, I think our A/Ns are longer than the story… nope. Almost!
Dee: For a special time only, we're lowering our review amount limit from 100 to 35! So… Cob… What's your opinion of Rob/Star pairing?
HOFF: Do ya really want to hear me rant at you again?
Dee: No, I want to see you rant at our readers.
HOFF: Shut up.
Dee: If you don't rant, I'll keep typing 'Down with Rob/Jinx'.
HOFF: Shut up, or I'll set Dover's Fudge at you.
Dee: You wouldn't… Fine. I'll just… copy your rant here. HOFF said- wait, what was it that you said again?
HOFF: I ain't telling!
Dee: Fine. Whatever.
HOFF: And… cut. Exit, pursued by bear!
HOFF: Sorry. It's our Shakespearian unit. A Winter's Tale. Even though we're focusing on the Tempest.
Dee: Bye!
Ben Dover and Ivana Spankings: Ah! A thousand curses to our accursed names!
HOFF: Don't talk in Shakespearian. Ever.
Dee: Or join the Department of Redundancy Department.