This fic is actually a request fic from someone named Barbacar. I figured that the request could be a way to try the concept of writing a fic based off a prompt, as I've never done that before. The prompt in this case is that the Kanker Sisters, out of boredom, play with the construction and demolition supplies that're conveniently left behind at the cul-de-sac's construction area that seems to always be there throughout the show.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything used here.
Weapons Of Mass Ed-struction
The small town of Peach Creek is a nice place to live, for most people. Friendly people, low crime rate, good location, and so forth. However, it was also home to some strange phenomena and shenanigans that would happen every so often. One of the odder things about Peach Creek was the fact that there was one small area that always seemed to be under construction. It was located right by a family-centric, kid-heavy cul-de-sac in the town's suburbs.
The strange part was that, while construction workers did make some progress on whatever was being built, that progress would inexplicably be ruined by some disaster or another. Most suspected some of the cul-de-sac kids, naturally. Of course, they would be right, but this story isn't about disgruntled adults nor about the logistics of how the blatant vandalism affects the local economy… It certainly doesn't matter to the key players of this tale, that is for certain.
One day, with nary a cloud in the sky, the practically permanent construction site was empty. The workers had the day off, which would've been good news for them, were it not for what happens when the site is left alone… and this day did not disappoint as three infamous figures strolled right on in. One would think that the site foreman would hire some security after the first couple of incidents, but the figures were fortunate that this wasn't the case.
They were the Kanker Sisters, the local bullies of infamy and, if they were to be believed, the perpetually lusty suitors of three unfortunate souls… Lee Kanker, clad in her worn-out second-hand clothing with her curly red hair covering her eyes like usual, chuckled to herself as she looked the place over. A couple of machines, a few organized piles of construction material, some crates of stuff… Definitely worth snooping about!
May Kanker, the one that some would aptly describe as the bucktoothed blonde bimbo, wandered over to the foreman's trailer and managed to find a way to unlock the door. "Wonder what the boss man's got in here today." she said as she entered the small portable building.
"Ah, it's probably just the usual schematics and paperwork, May! Fun stuff's out here somewhere!" came the response of Marie Kanker, the blue-haired sister with a punk look to match her punk attitude. As it was, she took the liberty of spray-painting over a company logo to make it read "Kanker Deconstruction" instead of what it originally was.
From inside the trailer, May shrieked with some sort of excitement before coming to the door. "Looky what I found, girls! Cee-gars! Just like Dad used to smoke!" she crowed, holding up a little box of the heavy smokes.
"Which dad? Yours or mine?" Marie asked.
"Maybe mine?" Lee added as she caught the box of cigars that May tossed over.
"Doesn't matter. They all smoked!" Marie quipped with a snort.
"That'd explain why your teeth were already that color when they came in…" Lee snickered, earning herself a slap upside the head from the bluenette.
"Whatever, hair-for-eyes. Let's wreck some crap!" the bluenette said, brushing off Lee's joke with some enthusiasm. For emphasis, she lightly punched her open palm in a standard threatening gesture as she strolled over toward one of the crates. Kicking a hole in the side of it, she saw sticks of dynamite pour out of the crate, bringing a grin to her face.
"Lemme at them power tools! I'll show these guys how to use a jackhammer…" Lee exclaimed darkly, eyeing a halfway-finished building as she stuck a cigar in her mouth and a hard hat on her… hair (as it wouldn't let the hat fit right on her head).
And so, the three Kankers immediately got to 'work'… Marie, also having took a cigar, went about throwing sticks of dynamite around, using her lit cigar to light them. Crates were blown up, a pile of lumber got blown to cinders, and even a cement mixer had the unfortunate displeasure of having a stick shot into it like a basketball. Fortunately for the Kankers, none of the liquid cement that got sent splattering about landed on them.
Lee took the jackhammer she wanted and started making holes in the sides of the partially constructed house until it finally gave in and fell, much to her delight. She then 'rode' the jackhammer and made it go forward, being a very shaky mode of transportation.
May, meanwhile, took a piece of blueprint paper and drew some adjustments to the building schematics, wanting to dream up a house that was more Kanker-centric.
Meanwhile, as this was going on, three certain cul-de-sac boys were on the run. From what? Why, the other neighborhood kids, of course! The Eds, as the trio were collectively known, were trying to get away from the deadly and angry trio of Kevin the bully, Rolf the foreign farm boy, and Sarah the short-and-short-tempered. As usual, a scam of the Eds' making was unraveled and their potential victims were none too pleased about it.
"This is your fault, Sockhead!" Eddy screamed as the trio barely managed to climb over a fence, their opposition closing in. Edd grew indignant as he and his friends landed on the other side and kept running.
"Me?! YOU were the one that turned the setting up too high! I explicitly told you NOT to do that!" Edd argued back, once again burdened with the impulsive wrath of the con-artist. The so-called leader of the trio still has yet to blame himself for anything at all.
"Well, why did you create that thing so that it could overload?!" Eddy demanded, leaping over a rock that would've tripped him otherwise.
"Ugh… Because anything else would be impossible, given the proper schematics and logistics. Not to mention the materials we had to work with, of course." Edd retorted in a snarky, analytical manner. If he weren't so busy running for his life, he would force the short thief to learn how some things work.
"Angry kids are bad for Ed!" the tall oaf that was their third member exclaimed, reminding the other two of more pressing matters than who was to blame.
"ED! YOU IDIOT! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M USING YOUR THROAT AS A TOILET!" Sarah yelled from a short distance away.
"Where did explosive Sarah-girl learn such a threat, friend Kevin?" Rolf asked, the foreigner's anger briefly halted by the vulgar idea the little redhead bellowed.
"Beats me, but it's definitely choice!" Kevin replied with a sinister grin on his face. As long as it fed into his dork-hating nature, he couldn't care less what explicit stuff the youngest of their group learned.
Up ahead in a thick expanse of trees, the Eds hanged a sudden, sharp right at a particularly big tree and kept going, hoping the sudden change of direction might go unseen and throw the angry pre-teens off the trail. A few moments of running later told them that the angry voices that were hounding them seemed to have faded away. However, as the trio looked back to confirm this, they failed to notice how the ground gave way to a bit of a hill, causing the three to run right off and tumble down the hill. The grass turned to dirt on the way down and they ended up rolling on and on, entering a familiar piece of land…
The construction area…
Eventually, they finally stopped tumbling.
"Ughhh… Who moved the road?" Eddy irritably asked as he pushed his head up off the ground.
"Nobody did, Eddy. We just didn't watch where we were going. Sigh… Now where are we? Ah, yes… The construction site. I do wonder why any of these buildings haven't been finished yet." As he pondered the seemingly permanent existence of the area, the sound of explosions nearby was heard, startling the three Eds.
"Construction? Sounds like DEstruction to me. Perhaps we should leave…" Eddy suggested, having a bad feeling about whatever was going on around them.
"And where would we go, Eddy? Kevin and the others might take to patrolling the cul-de-sac soon, once they figure out that we lost them." Edd pointed out. Another explosion occurred, this time slightly closer.
"Still, anywhere's better than being blown up here!" Eddy yelped, taking off in a random direction. Ed simply followed after him, laughing without a care. Grumbling about his misfortunes, Edd trailed behind. Weaving their way through halfway-made buildings and past construction vehicles, their path was soon interrupted when a red stick of dynamite tumbled into their intended trajectory. Their feet helped them screech to a grinding halt before diving aside, the explosive detonating soon after.
"HEY! Children at play here, you hardhats!" Eddy bellowed, his irritation reaching his limit.
"Uh, Eddy, technically we're trespassing…" the sock-hat-clad prodigy observed. But before Eddy could retort at being corrected yet again, a familiar sound of giggles rained down around them, instantly setting their nerves on edge.
"Well, well… If it ain't our future husbands! Come to see some real women working hard?" Lee teased as she set her jackhammer down with a mighty thud, leaning on it like a cane.
"Behave for us and I'll let ya see what's 'under construction' beneath this 'tarp', Double D." Marie flirted, playfully tugging at her midriff-baring top.
"Uh… uhh… It's my boyfriend!" May shrieked with joy, unable to come up with a construction related pun to greet Ed with.
"AAAAAH! KANKERS!" The Eds screamed in unison before running back the way they came.
"Aw, no ya don't!" Lee grunted, hefting a hooked chain over her head and swinging it like a lasso before flinging the hooped length of steel toward the retreating boys. The chain succeeded in capturing the terrified Eds and roughly cramming them together before Lee began pulling the chain in.
"GET OVER HERE!" screamed the lead Kanker, her voice somehow echoing into the distance for no apparent reason. With a mighty pull, the three Eds were sent flying right toward the devious Sisters, landing at their feet in a seated, tied-up huddle. The trio promptly surrounded them, giggling and cackling as they savored their flawless victory.
"Grr… Let us out, Lee! We got scams to pull!" Eddy snarled, attempting to wriggle out of the chains but to no avail.
"Nuh-uh, Short Stuff! I want some quality time with you!" Lee snapped back with a grin.
Marie then crammed a cigar in Edd's mouth and used hers to light it. "Have a smoke, Oven Mitt. Might make ya look more manly. Heh…" the bluenette sneered as her favorite nerd coughed on the foul smoke he was forced to inhale. Double D immediately spit out the cigar and was about to protest until Marie crammed it back in and followed up with five more for comical effect. Edd was, for lack of a better description, gagged for the time being.
May, on the other hand, put her hard hat on Ed's head and drew on it with a sharpie until it read the words "May's Main Man", encircled in a heart. The oaf shuddered in fear of what else May might do.
"Now what do we do with them?" May asked, curious. Lee chuckled, a thought having come to her.
"Well, girls, I hear that they're supposed to 'bang' us. But if they're going to be stubborn about it… Hey Marie, c'mere a sec." Lee ordered suddenly, grabbing the bluenette and pulling her close. She whispered something into her ear. The longer Lee whispered, the more Marie got the drift of the idea and grinned in response. The Eds gulped at seeing this.
"On it, Lee!" Marie said before taking off toward one of the buildings that the Kankers had ruined with their fun. The rest of the kids watched as Marie quickly gathered a pile of debris together and began putting something together.
Eddy gulped as the redhead snickered. Whatever her plan was, Marie seemed to be able to put it together. "Uh… You're not gonna hurt us, are you?" Eddy nervously asked.
"Oh, this'll be fun, Short Stuff. You'll see." Lee replied, refusing to go into any further detail. Minutes went by as Marie's project came together, but it felt like an eternity of anxiety for Eddy and Double D. Ed, however, was trying to think of his favorite horror movies... Eventually, the bluenette stepped away from her masterpiece of a creation and walked back to the group.
"Ready for a test run, Lee!" Marie announced, presenting her creation. It was a large cannon built out of scrap metal, busted lumber, and other debris. It was able to be pointed upward due to a placement of cement blocks to keep it steady and stable.
"You're going to fire things at us?!" Eddy guessed, frightened at the possibility of being shot to death.
"That's preposterous! Not to mention, illegal!" Double D whined, also scared.
"Does it fire gravy?" Ed simply asked.
"Nuh-uh, boys. We're not gonna fire things at you. That would just be redundant." Lee scoffed. The two boys sighed in relief. So they weren't going to get hit with large items. Always a plus!
Marie chuckled. "Nah. We're going to fire YOU outta that thing! It'll be so awesome!"
The Eds paled. "Wait… Fire US out of a cannon? Are you insane?!" Double D asked, panicked.
"Eh. Maybe. Who knows? We're just bored." Lee bluntly answered, beginning to drag the chained-up boys over toward the makeshift artillery weapon. "Time to load the cannon. Suck in those paunches, boys! It's not very roomy in there. Heh…" the redhead sneered as she then hefted the prisoners up and slammed them into the barrel of the cannon, their upper halves sticking out of it comically.
"You can't do this to us! I swear, you three are in so much trouble, even if we don't survive this!" Eddy yelled in a combination of fright and anger.
"Oh dear, oh dear… We're in quite a pickle now… Being used as living cannon fodder. How degrading!" Double D grumbled, mainly to himself as he knew none of his captors would take pity on him.
"A pickle? I thought we were in a cannon." Ed spoke up, seemingly unaware of the exact danger of the situation. Oh, how ignorance can be such bliss at times…
The Kankers giggled and cackled as Lee went to light the fuse. That was until she thought of something. "Hey, Marie! This thing's loaded, right? Ya know, with gunpowder or something?" she asked, digging out a lighter.
"Oh, keep your panties on, Lee. Tell ya what…" she said, casually speeding her way over to Lee, opening up the back of the cannon like it was a bank vault door and throwing in a handful of dynamite sticks before slamming it shut again. "If that doesn't do the trick, I dunno what will!"
Double D gulped. "Despite my position in this unfortunate situation, I… I must protest that your theory of making this cannon fire is more dangerous than you believe." he stammered, sweating profusely.
The bluenette that troubled his life so merely crossed her arms as Lee reached up to light the fuse. "Just stop yer bluffin', Muffin. You're getting shot outta that cannon and that's that."
"But I'm telling you this isn't going to work!" Double D whined loudly. Strangely enough, he was beginning to be more bothered by the obvious lack of proper cannon functionality rather than the idea of being blown to smithereens. Again with his obsession with everything being uniformly neat and organized…
"Oh, stop being so boring and let us 'light up' your lives!" Marie retorted, the three Kankers having gotten out bags of popcorn from somewhere as the lit fuse began to slowly run its course. They somehow also managed to acquire lawn chairs to sit in.
"Agh, this blows!" Eddy screamed, trying all he could to wriggle his way out, even though it was all for naught.
"Going to blow, Eddy. It's going to blow…" Edd corrected, almost by instinct.
"DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE TIME FOR GRAMMAR LESSONS, SOCKHEAD?!" snapped the height-challenged leader.
"Ooh, are we gonna fly, like chickens?!" Ed asked, a random thought having come across him.
"Don't be silly, Ed. Chickens can't—"
Edd was cut off when Ed, using his unique strength, yanked his arms out from the confines of the chains and his friends and began flapping them rapidly, playfully clucking all the while.
"Just great! Now we got Peach Creek Fried Chicken over here!" Eddy groused.
"Finger lickin' good with buttered toast!" Ed uttered as he kept flapping. Defying any and all logic that Double D could ever think off, the cannon started to aim higher… and higher… until it was pointing straight up. The young prodigy was reminded of that one incident when the oaf's blissful ignorance combined with his flapping arms caused him to actually fly. He still couldn't figure that one out at all. But there was a lot to his vapid friend that remained a mystery…
Just when the sockhead was about to think that Ed couldn't possibly fly from such a heavy and confining position, the cannon actually began to lift off of its base, causing the Kankers to drop their jaws in amazement.
"THE HELL?!" Lee exclaimed.
"I didn't know Big Ed was a chicken!" May giggled.
"That… that's impossible!" Marie declared as the cannon slowly rose higher and higher.
The other Eds were just as surprised, but Eddy was the first to see this as an advantage. "HA! Check it out, trailer trash! We're getting away! Hahahahahaha! Now away to the Candy Store, Ed! We got some jawbreakers to score!"
"But Eddy, what about the fuse?" Edd asked, noticing a lingering threat as the thin piece of rope continued to burn smaller and smaller.
"What about it?" And it was at that moment where the weight of the cannon caused it to dislodge itself from the Eds, as if they were a champagne cork. Or rather, as the case may be, as if the cannon was a stage sandbag when the rope is cut loose... The Kankers could only gasp in fear and try to run before the cannon hit the ground near them, exploding on impact.
The sizable explosion caught the three sisters and launched them skyward, screaming in pain as they went.
"TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAIN!" May screamed as the Eds began to lose sight of their flight.
"WRONG FRANCHISE, DUMMY!" came Lee's response from the distance, their flight clearly taking them far away from the Eds.
"Well, that was a blast. Heh…!" Eddy snarked, his scheming grin back on his face as the chained Eds hovered in the air, thanks to the 'human chicken' known as Ed.
"Quite obvious wordplay, Eddy… Now that we're clear of any and all danger, perhaps it is time for us to land and disrobe these steel bonds from our persons." Edd suggested, starting to feel uncomfortable from the chains.
"Nope! Candy Store, Ed! Thataway, man! Book it!" Eddy excitedly ordered, pointing Ed in the direction of the haven of Jawbreakers.
Edd sighed as he was carried in flight. At least this scenario was a lot better than what would've happened….
….Suddenly, Ed was met with some resistance. The other two Eds looked around, only to notice that there was still a length of chain that drooped down toward the ground….and the other end was now in the iron-firm grip of Rolf. Kevin and Sarah were with him, grinning the grin of hungry sharks smelling blood in the water…
"I knew big-time explosion was the work of devil Ed-boys! Now, it is time for the villains to receive a hero's welcome, yes!? With the punching and kicking and breaking of bones!" It was always odd, if unfortunately usual, for the Eds to hear Rolf feel particularly violent toward the trio of con-artists… But it was to be expected, as Double D had to admit. How many times did the trio dare to cross the other cul-de-sac kids anyway?
"FLAP HARDER, YOU LUMMOX! Otherwise, all that'll be left of us will be chicken bones!" Eddy screamed, goading the oaf into trying harder.
"Sigh… I knew this was too good to be true…" Edd moaned, resigning himself to his fate as he noticed their altitude start to drop, one yank at a time.
And so, with the strength of the Old Country and the inevitability of street justice, Ed's flying ability only granted the unlucky trio close to two minutes left of being completely healthy, once again denied the sweet taste of their precious Jawbreakers.
"OKAY! I TAKE IT BACK! I WANT THE CANNON!" Eddy cried pitifully, noticing the particularly vicious look on Kevin's face, as well as the crowbar that he must've found somewhere in the construction site.
"Choking the chicken is bad for Ed!" the oaf clucked as he flapped his 'wings' even harder in a vain attempt to counter Rolf's pulling.
Edd was aghast. "My word, Ed! Do you even know what you…. Oh, who am I talking about? Of course you don't… Can this day possibly get any worse?"
Life itself decided to answer his spoken challenge when the clouds above decided to unleash a cooling rain, drenching all involved.
Eddy glared at Double D, who nervously chuckled in fear.
"Summer rains… You can never—"
"Edd, just shut up…" Eddy interrupted, his tone one of calm-but-aggrivated defeat.
"ED, YOU IDIOT! NOW YOU GOT ME SOAKED! FORGET TELLING MOM, I'M GROUNDING YOU MYSELF!" Sarah raged below.
"Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!" Ed yelped in a chicken-like manner as the scene came to a close. If this were a cartoon, it would be fading to black via an iris-in as the sounds of brawling and weapons hitting flesh could be heard…
Just another failed scam for Ed, Edd n Eddy!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: There we go. Short and sweet. And hopefully, good. Let me know what you think! Did I do a good job writing a prompt fic? Should I have done more? Was the ending a tad negative? (After all, most episodes did end with the Eds meeting some sort of unfortunate fate, painful or otherwise.) In any case, thanks for reading!