Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. This is a oneshot set one year after 12x23. It was began before season 13, so it only follows canon up to the end of twelve. For now this is it, but who knows. Dean is dealing with the pain of Cas being gone. The One That Got Away is also not mine, belongs to Katy Perry. Believe it or not, this ends happy. I swear. It's just a bit rough till that happens. Also, smut! Just a head's up. Read on!
The One That Got Away
By Julia
Summer after high school
When we first met
We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th birthday
We got matching tattoos
Used to steal your parents' liquor
And climb to the roof
Talk about our future
Like we had a clue
Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you
In another life
I would be your boy
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life,
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you
I put those records on (whoa)
It had been a year. Dean sat in front of Cas' tomb, he wasn't actually in there, his body had disappeared after Lucifer had killed him, but Dean had needed somewhere to go. He'd made a cross out of some branches, and stuck them in the grass outside the bunker. He had brought out a piece of pie and a beer with him, so he could sit here and talk to Cas. Dean didn't hunt anymore, Sam had gone off to find Mary, but as Dean was still pissed as hell at her, he didn't go with him. Lucifer's baby had been taken care of, and now all Dean did was hang out at the bunker and miss Cas.
Cracking open his beer, he leaned on his elbow as he looked at the cross. He'd managed to carve Cas' name on it, right in the middle. Dean said, "Hey, babe, how are you today? Sam's off on a hunt, I think it's a lead on Mary. Needless to say I only spoke to him for a few minutes this morning." Dean said, talking to Cas as if he was still there. Things had changed drastically for them after Cas had killed Death. When Dean had seen that Cas had been willing to do that to save them, he had known that Cas was just as in love with him as he was with Cas. They'd been a thing ever since. So losing him this way was really hard for Dean.
For the first few months or so, he'd thought Cas might come back, but it had been a year. Dean was quiet as he took a bite of the pie. He'd have brought one for Cas too, but even when he was alive, he hadn't needed to eat. Dean sipped his beer after he'd taken a bite and then looked at the cross again, wishing he could go back in time and stop Lucifer from killing the love of his life. Dean had to admit that even if he had been in denial for a long time, Cas was meant for him, and he was meant for Cas. It really didn't seem fair that as soon as they finally figured that out and got together, Cas died. Dean's throat worked to swallow as he tried to find the words he wanted to say. He felt a bit like Forrest Gump, talking to Jenny, but it didn't matter. This was all the time he had anymore with Cas, and he was going to take it. Finally, he spoke again.
"Cas, when I woke up this morning…. I reached to turn off my alarm, and I looked at the clock. It was ten o'clock, and then I noticed the date. It's been a year, a year today." Dean wasn't able to say this without crying. "Every day…. It's…. It's hard. I still pray to you all the time. And it still hurts every time you don't answer. Even if I know that it's because you can't. Every morning… I wake up and I reach for you in the bed, even if you didn't need to sleep, you'd always be there with me. And now you aren't." Dean couldn't even put into words how hurt and sad he was. Dean hadn't known that you could love someone so much. But he had. He had given everything he had to Cas. And now Cas was just…. Gone? Dean sniffled and wiped his eyes.
Before Dean could say another word, he heard footsteps, and he whirled around, Sam knew better than to interrupt his time with Cas. It wasn't Sam though, it was Claire Novak. Dean looked at her, his green eyes were brimming with tears. They hadn't really spoken since Cas had died. A few times, but Claire had gotten into the family business, instead of college, which Dean and Cas had encouraged her to do, and so she had sort of steered clear since she knew Dean was out. Dean moved slowly, pushing himself off the ground as she got closer. Dean brushed his hand over his head, not sure what he was going to even say to her.
Sizing him up, Claire wondered exactly how well he was taking care of himself. That's honestly why she was here. Sam had called her. Claire had been through a lot, but with the exception of Jodie and Alex, Dean, Sam, and Cas were all the family that she had. Claire often thought that Dean and Cas acted like her dads. She'd even taken to calling Cas Daddy and Dean Dad. Neither one had discouraged her. It of course had been after she'd found out they were officially a couple. It hadn't surprised her a bit. Claire didn't know exactly what it was that had made them a couple, but she knew that it had been something big.
"Dad." Claire said, as she got closer. Dean was looking at the cross again, instead of her. Claire didn't expect him to be happy. She knew not to interrupt him when he was talking to Cas' for lack of a better word, gravesite. Claire brushed her hand through her long blonde hair. 'Dad…. Sam called me because he's worried about you." Claire knew exactly how he felt, she'd been going through a lot of pain too, since losing Cas. But Dean…. It was starting to worry them that he didn't seem to be moving on at all. Cas wouldn't want that. Claire also knew that Dean knew that as well. She reached out and took his hand, and this is when he looked at her, his green eyes wet and wide.
"Please. Don't hate me for saying this…. But you know Daddy wouldn't want you to do this. Just hang out at the bunker and wallow." Claire knew he wasn't going to want to hear it. She also knew that he was going to going to be angry that she was trying to tell him what Cas would have wanted.
Dean's mouth drew in a tight line, and he looked at her. While he knew Claire was just trying to help, because she's family, and that's what you did in this family, that didn't mean that he had to like it. Dean wiped some tears off his cheek, his hand shaking with anger. He stepped back from her a bit. Dean was not one to hit a girl, especially one who was essentially his daughter. Dean brushed a hand over his forehead as he tried to find the words he wanted to say. "Claire….. It's not that I don't appreciate what you're saying…. I do. But you can't even begin to know what Cas would have wanted. You…. you know you're my family, and you always will be. But don't pretend to know what Cas would have wanted." Dean said, his voice shaking with tears. He hadn't had to have this conversation in a long time, and it was harder than he remembered.
Turning his back on her, he stared at the modest cross he'd made. Even if Cas wasn't in there, in the ground, it still helped him, to be able to somewhere and be able to "visit" Cas, for lack of a better word. Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. He hadn't shaved in about a week. Sometimes he had a full beard, because he didn't shave at all. Dean had to keep his gaze off Claire, because he was going to totally fall apart if he had to look at her, and he was barely holding on as it was. His voice was quiet as he started to speak again. "Claire, I appreciate that you're worried about me. I really am. But… I'm…" He couldn't say that he was 40 out loud just yet. He kept his gaze turned away as he spoke some more. "But I can't… every morning, I wake up… and Cas isn't here. I have to go through each day without him. It's like a stab in the chest every time I think of something I want to tell him, and I realize that I can't."
It was excruciating, all the time. Dean didn't know what he was going to do the rest of his life, without Cas. However long that was. Even with him being out of hunting, you never knew when it was your time to go. Dean was having a hard time accepting that Cas was really and truly gone. Because how many times had Cas died and come back? Why was this time the one that was permanent? Dean closed his eyes, tears dripping off his chin. Killing Lucifer hadn't made him feel better, and he thought that he would have felt better. Dean had panic attacks often, because he knew that the pain wasn't going to go away. He was never going to be okay with Cas not being there. Dean knew he was going to have to tell her that, in order to get her to at least understand a bit. He knew that she would never really get it. No one would.
"Claire, you and Sam…. you just don't get it. It's okay though, because I don't want you to be able to get it. You'd have to know from experience. And I don't want that to happen to you." Dean wasn't able to keep the pain out of his voice and the tremor out of his voice. Dean stared at the ground, the ground where Cas was supposed to be. Dean said, "It's never going to be okay. I wish it was. But it's not. I have to live without Cas for the rest of my life. And I can't. I'm barely holding on. I wish that I could get past it. But I can't. It's always going to be this way. It's the worst pain I've ever been through. With the exception of being in Hell for forty years."
When Dean told her that it wasn't going to get any better, Claire had to admit, she was a lot scared. Dean was barely functioning, like he said. If it never got any better, it was going to be really worrying for a long time. Claire brushed her hand through her blonde hair, looking at him with her eyes wide. She was screwing up the courage to say what she had to say when they heard a clearing of a throat behind them. Claire turned around and her blue eyes filled with tears when she saw it was Castiel. "Daddy?" She asked, Dean turned around and his green eyes were just as wide as hers. "You're… here." Claire said, and she closed the distance between them, and threw her arms around him. After a second, he put his arms around her. It had taken him awhile to get used to hugging.
Cas put his arms around Claire. He was glad to be back. He'd been in limbo for a year, until Chuck finally realized that Cas was gone, and he'd brought him back to life. Cas held her for a moment or so and then he stepped back. Hugging still made him uncomfortable sometimes. Cas looked at Claire. "Can you give me and your… dad a minute? You know I'm glad to see you." Cas said, and she nodded at him, and headed off out of earshot, but Cas knew that she'd still be watching. But that he didn't mind so much. As soon as she'd stepped away, Cas moved to Dean and they kissed, long and hard. When they finally broke to breathe, Cas looked into those green eyes that were still his undoing. Sliding his arms around Dean's waist, Cas sighed and said, "I… I missed you every day. That was… that was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Be apart from you that long."
"I… I was in limbo for a year. But Dean… I heard your prayers. I knew that you were praying to me. I wanted so badly to be able to answer. I love you so much, and… I was so worried about you. I knew that you'd be taking this hard and I hated that you might…." Cas broke off, and he saw more tears glitter in Dean's eyes. "I was afraid that you might… hurt yourself on purpose." He watched as Dean's eyes widened, and Cas knew that he was right, that Dean had thought of suicide. "I'm… I'm so sorry that you were even in that position. I know it's not my fault either but I still hate that you felt that way. I want… I wish I knew that Lucifer was dead. I hate him now more than i ever did."
When Cas was finished talking, Dean kissed him again, putting all the love that he felt for Cas in that kiss. "I love you, Cas. This year has been the hardest of my life. And not just because you were gone. I've been alone for 90% of it. Sam is still hunting. I couldn't…. Without you, I couldn't do it anymore. We took care of Lucifer's spawn… and then Sam went off to find Mary." Dean couldn't call her 'Mom' anymore. She should never have come back. Maybe her time really had been when Sam was a baby. Dean had been so glad at first. But then she'd done things that the Mary he'd known as a child would never have done. Dean was also sort of glad that John didn't have to know that part of her.
"I couldn't… I just couldn't go with him. I'm.. I really… I don't know that I care what happens to her. I know how horrible that sounds." Dean honestly didn't know what Cas was going to think about that, he had his own dad issues. Dean wrapped his arms tighter around Cas' neck, tugging him closer. He could hardly believe that this was happening. He'd prayed to Chuck too, to ask him to bring Cas back. Every day. Just as often as he'd prayed to Cas. "I prayed to Chuck too, to bring you back. I didn't… I didn't know what to do. There were a few times I did flirt with….. Ending things." Dean said that carefully with a lot of tears. He let his fingers play in the hair at the nape of Cas' neck. "I can't even believe this. That you're here… on the anniversary. I'm… I keep feeling like something is going to happen to take you away from me again."
"No, you can't think like that. I'm not going anywhere, I promise." Cas told him, and kissed him again, feeling it all the way to his toes. "We need to tell Claire we need some time…. Because I'm going to make love to you more than I ever have before." Cas told him, his voice soft. They could have the serious talk about Dean being suicidal later. Dean gave him a hungry look, and he nodded. Cas kissed him once more and then reached down and took Dean's hand, lacing his fingers tightly with the other man's. Cas led them back to Claire, and they told her they'd be busy for the night. She rolled her eyes at them but she nodded and told them she'd call them the next day. After Cas gave her another hug she took off. Cas met Dean's eyes then, and they both hurried as quickly as they could to the bunker.
When they got there, they hurried inside, not even making it to Dean's bedroom. They were kissing feverishly in the library, Cas pushing Dean up against one of the tables. He was unbuttoning the flannel shirt Dean wore, wishing there wasn't a tee shirt underneath, he needed to feel that bare chest underneath his fingers. Dean was working on Cas' slacks, unbuttoning them. Cas kissed him deeper, his tongue licking the roof of Dean's mouth. Cas shivered as Dean's fingers got his pants unbuttoned, and his hand slipped into Cas' boxer briefs. His hand took Cas' long hard member in his hand, and began to stroke. Cas' fingers got Dean's shirt unbuttoned, and his hand reached underneath the grey tee shirt Dean was wearing and stroked the soft skin of his stomach. His fingers played in the hair of Dean's treasure trail, earning him a shiver from his boyfriend. Smiling against his mouth, Cas reached his fingers to the button of Dean's jeans, to work his hand into his underwear. The best thing about Dean was that he wore silky underwear, usually black but occasionally bright red.
Dean shivered as Cas' fingers slipped into his waistline, Cas knocking his jeans off his hips and to the floor, Dean stepping out of them and kicking them aside. He shivered again as Cas' fingers played with the waistline of his silky black underwear, it hugged his ass just right and he knew that Cas loved them. He hadn't been able to stop wearing them. Dean gasped as Cas slipped them gently off him, dropping them off Dean's hips, and Dean stepped out of those, too. Cas moved down on his knees, and took Dean's hardening cock in his mouth. Dean gasped and leaned back against the table. His hips rocked a bit as Cas deep throated him, and his hand moved to slip a finger inside Dean's entrance. "Fuck, Cas!" Dean gasped, his teeth gritted. Dean's head fell back as Cas' mouth moved over his healthy cock, which was hard as a rock. No pun intended. Cas' tongue moved over a popped vein, and Dean's hand went into Cas' black hair. He tugged a bit, earning a groan from Cas.
When Dean was about to come, Cas moved off him with a pop, and took off his own clothes, and then Dean's tee shirt, dropping them to the floor. Dean eyed him, breathing hard. Cas then reached to turn Dean around, and Dean braced himself on the table. Cas slipped inside Dean then, filling him with his long hard member. Dean gasped out loud, as Cas' lips moved over his shoulders, pressing kisses along them. Then his head was in Dean's neck, sucking lightly. Dean's back arched, and his hand moved to his cock. He stroked, trying to match the movements of Cas' hips. He was soon spurting all over the table, and the floor. It hadn't been long for him once Cas' mouth had been on him. His head fell back against Cas' shoulder as his boyfriend continued to pound his ass. He turned his head, and their lips met, kissing deeply as Cas' hips smacked against Dean's.
With a gasp, Cas was coming. He gasped again and kissed Dean again, sucking on his bottom lip. His hands spread across Dean's abs, stroking the soft hair of Dean's treasure trail. Cas looked into those green sex blown pupils and smiled softly. "I love you." He said, he had no idea why he was back, but he didn't care. He was back with Dean and that was the important thing. He kissed him again, and then eased out of Dean, and they turned so they were facing each other. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. "Dean… there's something else I have to tell you." He didn't know what Dean was going to say about it, but he had to tell him. But if Dean was really retired from hunting, maybe it wouldn't matter so much anymore. He looked into those green eyes, the pupils still sex blown. But he was looking back at Cas expectantly, waiting for him to say what he had to say. There was so much trust in that face, and Cas was filled with a warm glow.
"I'm not an angel anymore, Dean. I lost my Grace."
With this admission, Dean's eyes brushed with tears. He wasn't sure why. Cas was still Cas, angel juice or not. He kept his eyes on those blue ones, Cas' fingers playing in the hair at the nape of Dean's neck. "Look, Cas….. I know that was a part of you. But it's not all of who you are. Not anymore. I'm… I'm just glad that you're back. If it's sans angel juice fine. I can't…. I wanted you back more than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life." Dean's chin trembled as he spoke. He knew there was nothing to cry about. He meant what he said. He was just glad that Cas was back with him, alive. "I meant what I said… I haven't been hunting for a year. I… we could both retire. Get a place. I know that we have the bunker here… but it's not really a place to… raise kids." This last part was said softly. They'd never really spoken about kids before. Not one of their own, that they started from birth. Claire was of course, but that wasn't the same.
"I thought about it a lot before…. Before." Dean said, his voice shaking a bit. "I want… I want all of that with you, Cas. I've… I've never really wanted that before. I know I was with Lisa… and Ben. But… I didn't really love her anymore. I was just grieving over Sam. I.. I want all of that with you. I want the house, the picket fence… kids." Dean hadn't admitted that out loud yet, and he found as he was saying it that he really did mean it. "I never wanted any of that… not until I fell in love with you." Dean had been in love with Cas for years now, he just hadn't screwed up the courage to tell him. He also knew that Cas had been in love with him since the beginning, and had been waiting for Dean to feel the same way. Dean had finally figured it all out. It had taken him awhile, but he'd also had to struggle with the realization that he'd been bisexual. Although Dean hadn't slept with a woman in a long time. Years. And the entire time Cas had been…. gone, he hadn't wanted to have sex with anyone, man or woman.
"You, all I want is you."
When Dean said all of that, Cas had to work to keep the tears from filling his eyes. He reached and wiped some off Dean's cheek. Cas kissed him again, softly. When the kiss broke, Cas said, "All I want is you, Dean. If that's what you want, then I want that too." Cas watched as a smile broke across Dean's face. "I actually have already made a step in that direction." Cas stepped away, reaching into the pocket of his trench coat, and pulled out a box. He moved back to Dean, opening it. Inside sat a gold band, a deep green emerald the stone. "Dean Henry Winchester, will you marry me?" He asked, watching those green eyes pool with tears. Dean wasn't even able to get out a yes, just a nod. Cas smiled and slipped the ring on Dean's finger, he'd picked the emerald because it matched Dean's eyes. Not to mention, he knew that Dean wouldn't have wanted to wear a traditional engagement ring. Even though they were making rings for men that could count as engagement rings these days. His fingers lingered on Dean's, his thumb stroking the back of Dean's hand.
Cas watched as Dean looked down at the ring. A smile played on Cas' lips. "I picked it because it reminds me of your eyes. I've had it for a year. I don't know how it even survived with me." Cas wondered if it was because of Chuck. Had his father been the one to bring him back? He wasn't sure if he knew the answer to that question. He wished that he did know. It was so much to handle. But Cas supposed that in the end, it didn't matter. He was back with Dean, and that was all that mattered. Cas looked into Dean's eyes then and wiped some more tears off his cheek. "I love you. I don't… I don't care why I'm back. Because I am. That's all that matters. That we're here together." Cas kissed him again, his hand cupping the back of Dean's head.
One year later
The house was sitting on a street in a suburb in Columbus, Ohio. Cas wasn't even sure what had made them settle there, other than Ohio wasn't super expensive and there was a mechanic shop that Dean had an in at and he'd wanted a steady paycheck for once in his life. Cas was an assistant manager at the Kroger near their house. They weren't flush but they were comfortable. Cas stepped out of the Impala, they'd just gotten back from picking up their new two year old child at the orphanage. Cas had been surprised that those still existed. Her parents had been dead for six months, and they'd been lucky to get her. The papers had just gone through. Speedy adoption, Cas wondered if Chuck had had something to do with it. She was blonde, blue eyed, and adorable. Dean was carrying her bag of things. They'd already had a bedroom set up for her, filled with toys and clothes. Cas bounced her on his hip. Her name was Anna.
Cas followed Dean, who let them into the house. It was 1860s, it had had some work done. It looked nice. They'd had to exercise a Union soldier when they'd moved in, Cas supposed that was why the rent was so cheap. No one wanted to talk about the place being haunted. They were renting to own, which Cas knew that Dean was excited about. He'd never owned a home before. Cas bounced Anna on his hip again and she squirmed to get down as soon as they got inside. She ran for the living room, where there was some toys set up in the corner. And a table for kids, covered in Disney princesses. Cas smiled and Dean set down the duffle bag. Cas moved to wrap his arms around Dean's waist. "Your daughter is home, Mr. Winchester."
When Cas' arms slid around his waist, Dean blushed. "Anna can see." He said, but he didn't make a move to step away. He looked into those blue eyes. "Yes she is, Mr. Winchester." He said, blushing more. He was happy. It was the first time in a long time he was happy. Sam was in law school, in California. He'd not been able to save Mary, but Dean had thought that he wouldn't be able to as soon as Sam had took off to try. But until Cas had come back, Dean hadn't believed in anything anymore. "She's ours. All ours." Dean said, and turned then so he could see Anna, who was eagerly building a house out of blocks. Dean couldn't imagine that that adorable little girl was theirs. No one was going to be able to take her away. It had been so easy, Dean was wondering if they'd had a little divine intervention. He couldn't believe that he finally had everything that he'd ever wanted. Or rather, hadn't known that he'd wanted, until Cas.
Turning his gaze back to Cas', he settled his green eyes on those blue ones that reminded him of the sky. "We have everything, Cas." He said, and hugged Cas closer. He buried his head in Cas' neck. Yeah, he wished that Sam wasn't so far away, but he also knew that Sam had been trying to get back to school for a very long time. They had Anna, and they had each other. Dean couldn't ask for more. And for the rest of his life, he never would.
Author's note: So…. yeah, I started this before season 13 started. I finished it after 13x04. I had so many feels. So this really didn't follow canon 13 so far. Mostly because I had already started it. For those who like Mary, I apologize for the hate. However, they fucked up her character royally and I no longer like her. I want them to bring John back but at the same time maybe not. I love John and maybe they'd mess him up so I didn't anymore. Anyway, right now, this is it, but who knows, it may end up being a twoshot. Hope ya'll liked, and for those of you reading Bacon and Morning Afters, I've started the update for that so I think I'll head over to that one next. Review away!