Elizabeth was making lunch for everyone, humming, when she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. She had been feeling pain all morning, but not bad. As fast as it had started, it went away. A few moments later she felt it again, only this time it felt more like cramps. She got herself a glass of water and sat down, rubbing her belly and praying as the pain became quite intense as the minutes went by.
"Hi, Mama! Grandma's here. She said Papa Bill is going to be here soon too!"
"That's good, Caleb. Can you get Daddy for me? Quickly!" She clutched her stomach, trying not to panic.
"Yes, Mama," he looked at her and her face and ran to get Jack.
"Daddy! Something's wrong with Mama. She needs you now!" Jack ran in to the kitchen, Caleb closely following. Jack looked at Elizabeth and knew Caleb needed to be somewhere else.
"Caleb, stay with Grandma please!"
"No, Daddy, I need Mama. I have to help her." He started crying and tried to get around Jack.
"Caleb, please. I need to see your Mama now. Mom? Can you please?"
Charlotte took Caleb and Maddie into the living room.
"Elizabeth? What is it?" He knelt next to her chair.
"Jack, Something is wrong. I'm in so much pain. Please help me!" She tried to stand but fell in to him, holding her stomach. "Jack, please. I think I'm losing the baby." He scooped her up in his arms and rushed her to their bedroom, gently putting her on the bed. Charlotte knocked and came in.
"Mom, is Bill here?"
"Yes, he is."
"Have him get Dr. Burns, please. Elizabeth needs him."
Elizabeth moaned and cried, still clutching her stomach. Jack didn't know how to help except to hold her and let her body do what it needed to do. He cried with her and held her for what seemed like forever. Elizabeth noticed that she had started bleeding, so Jack helped her change into her nightgown and he changed the sheets.
Finally Charlotte knocked and opened the door to let Dr. Burns in, then closed the door to let them have privacy.
"Mrs. Thornton? Can you tell me how you're feeling?"
She just laid there, in Jack's arms, motionless, tears soaking her face. "Honey, you need to tell him so he can help you."
"He can't help. It's over." She felt it in her heart. She felt empty and helpless.
"Doc, she said she was in a lot of pain. She said it felt like cramps, almost as bad as labor. Then she started bleeding." The doctor nodded.
"Mrs. Thornton, I need to examine you. Are you ok with your husband staying in here?"
"I don't care," she whispered. A half hour later, Dr. Burns had finished his examination and determined what they had feared. Elizabeth was now resting and Jack was walking him out to his buggy.
"Thanks Doc. We appreciate your help." They shook hands.
"Constable?"
"Just Jack."
"Jack, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if she needs anything more for pain, or to help her sleep. Also, this miscarriage shouldn't have any bearing on future pregnancies. She's healthy and strong."
Jack watched the buggy leave their yard and disappear around the corner of the road. He walked slowly toward the house and opened the door.
"Daddy? Is Mama ok?" Caleb asked as he ran up to Jack. Jack knelt down so he was eye level.
"She will be ok, but it may take awhile."
"Is she sick?"
"No, buddy. I think it's time for you and your sisters to take a nap."
"Can I see Mama?"
"No, she's sleeping now. Say goodnight to Grandma and let's go to your room."
After hugs and kisses, Caleb ran to his room and Jack took Maddie in to her room. Charlotte walked in and put Emmy in Maddie's crib with her. "She's ok in here. I'll listen for her." Jack stood looking at his girls and couldn't help but wonder what the baby they lost would have been, boy or girl? It almost didn't seem possible, that last night, Elizabeth told him she felt the baby move and now, it was gone. Just like that, proving once again that you never know what the future would hold.
Charlotte put her hand on his back. "Jack? I'm so sorry." He looked at her, tears flowing. "Oh, sweetie, come here. I'm so sorry." She just held him, until he stopped crying, almost as if he was a little boy again, but this time, he was a grown man, mourning his own child. "I love you, Jack."
"I love you, Mom. I need to go be with her now. If Emmy needs to nurse, bring her in, ok?"
Charlotte nodded, kissing his cheek.
Elizabeth lay silently, breathing through the small contractions she was having, rubbing her tummy, wiping her eyes. She heard the door open and felt the bed move under Jack's weight as he slid under the covers. She needed his arms right then, but she didn't know what good it would do. Nothing could take the pain away, physical or emotional. Nothing could bring back their child. She turned and looked at him and once again, succumbed to tears. He nodded and pulled her close. She finally fell asleep, her head tucked between Jack's shoulder and neck, her arms grasping his waist.
Jack didn't sleep, he listened to her moans and cries as she slept. He rubbed her back and stroked her hair, trying to calm her. Then her eyes popped open and she pulled back to look at him.
"I'm here, Sweetheart. Go back to sleep."
"It hurts, Jack."
"The doctor gave me medicine to help with that, but it's not quite time to take it." She nodded and rubbed her tummy, willing the pain to lessen. "Do you want to take a bath? I can start it for you."
"Yes, please." He gently rolled out from under her and went to start the bath water. He peeked in at Caleb who appeared to be sleeping and then his girls who looked comfortable too. He walked in to the living room and found Bill and his Mom on the couch. Bill looked up and nodded at him, concern in his eyes.
Jack filled up the buckets and put them on the stove to heat and stared out the window.
"Mama?" Caleb whispered as he walked in the room.
"Caleb, isn't it nap time?" He climbed up on the bed and stared at her. Her red, swollen eyes, pain etched on her face. He didn't say anything, he just gently climbed over her lap and wrapped himself around her neck and waist.
She couldn't help it, she burst into new, fresh tears and gently rocked him. This boy, was an amazing, gentle soul. He always seemed to know when she needed him. He picked up on when she was sad or hurting, or in this case, both. He was a miniature version of Jack, even though there wasn't a true relation. She felt lucky to have him as her son and always would.
Awhile later, Jack had poured the hot water into the bath tub and went to tell Elizabeth it was ready. He walked in and saw Elizabeth rocking Caleb, crying and rocking. She looked up at him and sighed. She gently laid him on the bed and covered him. "No, Mama. Need me," Caleb said, half asleep.
"Shhh, sweetie. I'm going to take a bath. I'll be back soon." She brushed his hair out of his eyes and kissed his forehead. She sat up slowly at the edge of the bed. Jack came over and helped her stand up.
"Thank you," she whispered. He took her hand and led her to the bathroom and shut the door. He turned to leave but she stopped him. "Jack, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to feel or what to do. I'm so tired of crying but that's all I want to do. I've never lost…." She couldn't talk anymore because she was crying again.
"I know, but we can get through this together, just like always. I am here and I'm not leaving you. Just tell me what you need." She looked up at him and put her hand on his face.
"I just need you." She kissed him gently. "Hold me." He kissed her cheek and then her forehead and then wrapped his arms around her. She winced at the pressure of his arms.
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth." He stepped back for a moment.
"Its ok, I just realized that I need to feed Emmy. That's all."
"She's sleeping, but I can get her."
"No, I'll take my bath and them maybe she'll be awake." He nodded and kissed her for a moment.
"I love you."
"I love you more." He walked out and shut the door.
Jack went to the living room and sat down. "Jack? How are you doing?" his mother asked.
"I don't know." He didn't want to talk about this. He just wanted to go back to yesterday when everything was fine. He got up and went to the kitchen to be alone but his Mom walked in. "Mom, I just need to be alone, ok? I don't want to talk now."
"I understand, but I was just going to say that Maddie and Emmy are awake and both of them keep asking for you and Elizabeth." He sighed and went to take care of his daughters.
"Daddy? Go potty." Maddie kept saying as he walked in the door to her bedroom.
"Ok, Sweetie. Can you wait? Mama is taking a bath now."
"No, go potty!" He nodded and picked her up and knocked on the bathroom door. "Elizabeth, I'm sorry."
"Come in, Jack. What is it?"
"Maddie needs to go."
"Ok, that's fine."
"Hi, Mama," Maddie said with a smile, showcasing her dimples.
"Hi, Baby."
"Mama, bath." She pointed. "Emmy wake." They could hear her crying in the crib where Jack left her.
"She's probably hungry. I need to get out." Jack helped Maddie and then scooted her out the door.
"Jack, can you hand me my robe, please?" He helped her out and handed her the robe, trying to ignore the bump that was still there, even though the life inside was gone, but he couldn't ignore it, he needed to acknowledge it so he could move on. So he could help her move on. Her eyes met his, seeing the intense pain and sadness he was feeling. She took his hand and put it on her tummy, holding it there tightly. He started shaking his head.
"No, no I'm not ready. I can't." He kissed her and left the room and walked out the door of the house and kept walking.
She wrapped her robe around herself and went to get Emmy who had quieted herself in Maddie's crib.
"Hey Em. Are you hungry? Mama needs to feed you."
"Mama?" She raised her hands up so Elizabeth could pick her up. Elizabeth took her in the bedroom and got dressed and then sat down in the rocking chair to nurse her. She tried to concentrate fully on Emmy but, understandably her thoughts drifted to her baby, that she wouldn't get to hold or nurse or name or comfort. It was a completely overwhelming loss and she knew little things would always bring it back to mind.
She looked up to see Caleb waking up in her bed. "Hi, Mama." He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
"Hi, Sweetie."
"Where's Daddy?"
"I don't know, but Grandma and Papa are in the living room."
"Ok." He climbed out of bed and ran out into the living room.
After feeding Emmy and feeling a slight bit of comfort, Elizabeth put Emmy on the floor and they both walked into the living room.
Everyone looked up and smiled at them. "I'm hungry so I'm going to get something to eat. Can Emmy stay with you?"
"Of course. I can make you something," Bill offered.
"No, I need to do it. I need some normal right now." He stood up and walked over to her.
"It might not feel normal for awhile, Elizabeth." He pulled her in for a hug.
"I know. I have to try though." She kissed his cheek and left the room, wiping her eyes.
Jack kept walking, crying and walking. He walked the opposite direction of town and when he got tired, he sat under a tree or against a rock to rest. He felt completely overcome with grief. His child, his beautiful child that he and Elizabeth made, was gone. He would never feel it move again in Elizabeth's tummy or watch as it took its first breath. He wouldn't rock it to sleep, change its diaper or see it smile for the first time. He would never know if it looked like his gorgeous wife or looked like him. A piece of his heart was completely shattered and he didn't know when or if it could ever be fixed. If he was feeling this way, he could only imagine how incredibly sad Elizabeth must be and yet, here he was, sitting out here, alone.
Late that night, after dinner, Bill and Charlotte went to the guest room because they were staying the night. Elizabeth and the kids were resting on the couch by the fire. She needed all her children with her tonight. It made her feel a bit better knowing they were there within reach and safe. Now if only Jack would come home, she wouldn't be worried anymore.
"Mama?"
"Shhh, Caleb. It's time for quiet." He laid his head back on her lap, and she continued running her fingers through his hair. Soon he relaxed and started softly snoring. Emmy was asleep after nursing and Maddie was next to Caleb on the couch. She reached up and put a blanket over everyone and tried to doze, but she was still cramping and sore. She really needed her bed, but she needed her babies worse, so she dealt with being uncomfortable.
An hour later, Elizabeth felt a kiss on her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open and she saw Jack's face right in front of her.
"Hey, Sweetheart."
"Hi," she whispered.
"Let's put the kids in bed and get some sleep."
"No, I want them with us. I need them here," she said, trying to fight the tears. "Please, Jack."
"Ok, I'm going to make a bed for Caleb and Maddie on the floor and then there will be room for me next to you." She nodded and wiped her cheeks. After Jack moved Caleb and Maddie, he covered them and then laid down next to Elizabeth, Emmy on his chest. Elizabeth shut her eyes and wrapped her arm over Emmy.
"Where did you go?"
"No where. I just walked."
"Do you feel better?"
"No, I don't know if that will ever happen."
The next morning, Elizabeth woke up, her body screaming for comfort. The cramping was there, her back hurt, her stomach muscles ached. "Jack?"
"Elizabeth? What is it?"
"I need medicine. Can you please get it for me?"
"Of course, Sweetheart. I'll be right back." He got up and handed Emmy to Elizabeth and stretched his back. Sleeping on the couch in one position all night was not a good plan. His arm was asleep from being under Elizabeth and his back ached.
He brought back her medicine and a glass of water. "Thank you."
"Are you hungry? I'm making breakfast," Jack asked.
"I guess." She unbuttoned her nightgown and started nursing Emmy. He looked at the fireplace. The fire had died down. He pushed the embers around and rebuilt the fire so everyone would get warm and then sat down next to Elizabeth. "Jack?" He looked at her. "Jack, I love you."
"I love you too." He got up before he let the tears start falling again and went to make breakfast.
He made eggs and toast and cut up fruit. He set the table and went to get everyone. His parents walked out of the guest room. "I made breakfast."
"Thank you, Jack," Bill acknowledged. Jack nodded.
The kids were waking up while Elizabeth still nursed Emmy. "Honey, do you want some coffee?"
"No, thank you. That medicine is making me sleepy. I'm going to go lay down."
Charlotte walked over. "I'll take Emmy. You go rest."
"Thank you, Mom. She needs a new diaper."
"I'll take care of it." Elizabeth nodded and went to lay down. Elizabeth sighed with pleasure as she lay down on the featherbed. She covered herself with the blankets and fell asleep immediately.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Caleb?" They were sitting on the couch looking at books. It was almost time for dinner and Emmy, Maddie and Elizabeth were all sleeping.
"Is Mama sick because she's going to have a baby?"
"Why do you think she's sick?"
"Because yesterday she was holding her tummy and the doctor came."
Jack figured the best thing to do was to be honest. He knew she was pregnant and he would eventually ask about the baby.
"Mama isn't sick, Caleb."
"Why was the doctor here?"
"Sometimes the baby gets sick when it's still inside it's Mama and because it's too small to get better, sometimes the baby dies."
"Mama's baby died? Like Katie?"
"Yes." Jack wiped his eyes and looked away for a moment.
"Is Mama gonna die?"
"No, she is just very sad and she misses the baby very much." Jack couldn't hide the tears and maybe that was ok.
"Daddy, are you sad too?"
"Yes, I am. It's ok to be sad." Caleb nodded and got up on his knees to climb onto Jack's lap.
"I love you, Daddy."
"I love you too."
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Caleb?"
"Was Mama's baby a boy or girl?"
"I don't know, why?"
"I think it was a girl and her name was Hanna."
"Why was her name Hanna?"
"That was my Mama's name. It's a good name for a baby I think."
"Ok then, that was the baby's name."
"Can I go see Mama?"
"She's resting."
"I'll be quiet."
"Ok, but if she's sleeping, don't wake her up."
"Ok." He scampered off and Jack went to start dinner.
Elizabeth opened her eyes and Caleb was right next to her, his head on Jack's pillow, staring at her. "Hi, Sweetie."
"Hi, Mama."
"Where's Daddy?"
"He is making supper." He stared at her again. "Mama, it's ok to be sad."
"I know."
"I miss her too."
"Miss who, sweetie?"
"Your baby. Daddy said she was sick and was too little to get better, like Katie."
"That's true." She rolled on her back and tried to blink away the tears.
Caleb crawled over and kissed her tummy. "I love you, Hanna."