This is my first ever songfic, I know I haven't really updated anything in a while, but apparently working on a completed different project is a cure for wrtier's block, this is the product of that. Please review, feedback would mean the world to me.
You took my hand, you showed me how.
You promised me you'd be around.
Uh huh, that's right.
I waded through the masses in the school corridor, aiming to reach my locker before my next class started in order to collect the appropriate books. It had been raining, as it usually did in the small town of Forks, bordered by thick forestation and marked by a green-grey tint. The tiled floor was slippery underfoot, squeaking against the soles of shoes. Another student collided with my shoulder as he passed and I gracelessly slid the remaining few feet into my locker and smacked my rear end, hard and cold, on the floor. I huffed and winced as I registered the pain from my surely bruising behind. Before I had the chance to right myself a hand was offered to assist me. I grasped it tightly and was tugged up to come face-to-face with a boy I'd never seen before. He was tall, really tall. He had shaggy, golden hair and bottomless hazel eyes. I could stare into his eyes forever, brown eyes tended to be flat but his were mesmerising, layers and layers of green and brown had me fighting the urge to lean in and examine every fleck. He gave me a painfully cute, dimpled half-smile and it took me a moment to realise I still had a grip on his fingers.
I pulled my hand back a little more harshly than I'd intended, my head swimming with thoughts of his perfect face. He must've been a new student, I would never have forgotten a face like that, and he was a lot politer than was typical of students at Forks High. I smiled up at him and his eyes flashed, green and brown dancing in the light.
"Thanks." I told him, timidly.
"No problem, I'm Jasper." He told me with that same beautiful smile.
"Alice." I smiled shyly.
"So, uh, I'm new here. Fancy helping me find my class?" He asked as he rubbed his neck nervously.
I happily looked over his schedule to find he had several classes with me, with a bright smile I boldly linked arms with him and towed him down the corridor.
It didn't take long, merely a few weeks for Jasper and I to be near inseparable. It didn't take long at all for me to admit to myself that I was in love with him. I'd swooned over him from the second I saw him but over time I learned the more important assets he held. He was funny, he was sweet, confident, smart, and athletic, he was a good listener, a reliable friend, an honest and open-minded individual and he managed to give and take the light in my life day by day and he didn't even realise. My parents adored him and my little sister Cynthia had an adorable girly-crush on him too. I almost got ridiculously jealous every time Jasper willingly played tea party with her. I shrugged it off though, because it kept Cynthia happy and there's nothing more attractive than a hot guy that enjoys entertaining children. Jasper always knew when I was having a bad day. I'd definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed, my mood had never been sourer and Cynthia's giggling was starting to grate on my last nerve. Jasper sauntered into the kitchen, where I sat with a steaming cup of tea. Cynthia was on his heel like a little duck.
"What's wrong, Ali?" Jasper asked in that voice that made me melt; he was clueless.
"It seems that you only come over here to see Cynthia." I said, coldly.
"Don't be silly. I'll always be your best friend, Alice. I love you and Cynthia." He promised.
I hated that he used those words in that context. But I never wanted him to stop saying them.
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right.
Everyone loved Jasper, he presented himself so well. He was always honest and open, he held on to his personal beliefs and he was a good-hearted person, he gave his opinions in civilised ways that left no room for confrontation, and people responded well to him because of it. There was no one in the entirety of Forks High that didn't truly like him, adding his charismatic nature to his god-like looks meant that pretty much every girl drooled over him. Jasper had had a few girls throughout our friendship, they never lasted long and it was never anything serious. He would take them out, he'd talk to me about it, and I'd give him half-hearted advice filtered through my jealousy induced mind. Sometimes I truly believed that Jasper knew of my feelings for him, I knew Jasper well enough to know that he'd never do anything to intentionally hurt me, I figured he was refusing to address the issue so that he wouldn't have to reject me. Every now and then he'd look at me with this almost pained smile with such a soft sadness in his eyes that it made my stomach churn. I had casually dated a few guys, I didn't commit though, I found it hard to see them as individuals, no matter how many guys I saw they would always be a part of the whole that was 'not Jasper'. Sometimes I even thought that the only reason I went on the dates was because I didn't want Jasper to find out how I felt, a small part of me hoped that one of these guys would leave an impression like Jasper had. Then there was James, he was a rule-breaker, one of those "If you're not living on the edge you're taking up too much space" types. He was the opposite of Jasper in all the ways that counted but he was such a free spirit and such a philosophical thinker that he was an effective distraction. Jasper was out with Maria again, I didn't really hate anyone, except her. She was vindictive, over-confident, belittling and down-right nasty. She had a vulgar sense of humour and a sick desperation in her laugh. She had thick black hair that waved to her waist and coffee and cream skin that gave her an exotic beauty, so she flaunted it by showing as much as possible by wearing barely anything. She had ebony eyes that were deep pools in her thin face, she was haunting and eager and Jasper kept running back like a puppet on a string. I was thinking of Jasper and Maria that night, I was in a foul mood as I pushed the remnants of my dinner around the plate, James had taken me to a little Italian place just out of town. I appreciated the effort he put in for me, he never took me to the same place twice and we always went places that weren't usually populated by familiar faces, it almost felt more private.
"What's wrong?" he'd asked in that voice that could never be as sweet as Jasper's.
Jasper and I had been distant lately, we were still best friends but he didn't come over as often, Cynthia kept asking about him. I worried that he'd think I wasn't worth his time. Cynthia wasn't the only one who missed him.
"Nothing James, really. I'm just tired." I lied. He bought it, Jasper always saw through me.
I was sat waiting for James to return from the restroom, I fully intended for him to take me straight home, I'd darkened my own mood and really didn't want to continue the date. James' phone buzzed on the table, and I briefly recalled that he always took it with him. It was the first time I'd ever been left alone with it and I quickly learned why.
New Message:
Victoria.
What time are you picking me up, baby? ;)xxx
I hated him so much in that moment that I left the message open beside my plate and I left without a backwards glance. I couldn't believe he had the nerve! I mean, I didn't even like him that much! Half of the time I didn't want to be there! And he had the nerve to cheat on me? I walked the streets in my fury and only when I'd calmed down did I remember that I didn't exactly know where I was. I took a look at the bigger picture; I was alone in an unfamiliar, run-down part of town with no way back and no directions. My sort-of boyfriend had been cheating on me; I only dated him because I was hopelessly in love with my best friend. My best friend had a girlfriend. He was with her right now. He was still the only person I could think of to call. I took a deep, calming breath before dialling the number I knew by heart.
"Hello?" He answered and at the sound of his voice, I fell apart.
"Alice?" He asked when I didn't respond but I was sure he could hear my panicked breaths.
"Jasper." I blubbered.
"Alice? What's wrong? Where are you?" he was panicking too.
"James was cheating on me." I whimpered.
"Bastard..." he cursed beneath his breath "Where are you?" he asked again.
"I don't know…" I trailed off, the tears still running down my face.
"He's just left you?" He fumed.
"No, I ran off." I mumbled.
There was static down the line as Jasper sighed.
"Do you see anything familiar?" he asked gently.
"No, but I'm just outside of town, it's kinda industrial…"
"Okay, I want you to keep walking, stay on the main road and tell me when anything looks familiar okay? Then I'll come and get you." He vowed.
I shuddered as I glanced down an alley, a group of figures stood and the tinkling of smashing glass filled my ears.
"What about Maria?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. I knew they were out together and I wondered what she was making of this interruption.
"What about her?" He retorted and my eyes nearly burst from my skull. "Alice, you need me. She's gonna have to deal with it. You're more important…you've always been more important…"
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'cause they're all wrong.
I know better, 'cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?
I always thought back to that night, when Jasper had picked me up when I'd needed him most, when he'd told me that I was his priority. I'd believed him. I hadn't fully understood what he'd meant, just because he'd said I was important to him, that hadn't meant that he felt the way that I did. But when his car pulled up beside me on the curb where I waited cold and afraid, he'd run at me, encaging me in a warm embrace and he'd looked down at me with such a desperation in his eyes that I struggled for breath. He'd reached a hand up to cup my face and I was positive that I must've passed out on the street, I had to be dreaming. But he smiled at me, that smile that my mind could never recall exactly and nobody could ever replicate.
"I was so worried about you…" he'd whispered.
I didn't respond, my mind was a blank canvas. I had no words for what I was feeling; I didn't know how to feel. But I knew that I loved him so much in that moment, tenfold to what I'd felt before.
"Are you okay?" he'd asked and I'd nodded meekly, his warm fingertips wiped my eyes and I nearly started crying again.
That had been the night that he'd told me everything. It was an exact parallel of what my life had been since meeting him, every moment, every memory and every touch was tainted with the same devotion that I'd been feeling. He could've been mine; all that time spent wondering if he'd ever notice and fearing what he'd think had all been a gigantic waste. We could've been so happy, so much sooner. That was the night when we truly became inseparable, everything I did revolved around him and vice versa, because my love was reciprocated.
We held hands all the time, with his fingers linked in mine I felt invincible. Girls sneered, I bitched and Jasper just smiled at my possessiveness, 'adorable' was what he'd called it. He called me beautiful every day, and every day he not only told me, but he proved that he loved me. He was so affectionate, but never vulgar and I could feel the warm waves of envy coming from every girl in our wake. Everything was perfect. He continued to give and take the light in my life, it was in the form of his presence, and I continued to doubt whether he truly understood in depth just how much he meant to me.
One day Maria had decided to force her company upon me, she leant against my locker and smiled a devilish grin when she saw me approaching. I ignored her, despite the fact that her dark eyes unnerved me and I began to stow away my books.
"He was mine first, y'know." She sneered.
"Yeah, well, he's mine now." I told her, calm, indifferent, uninterested.
"You think it's gonna last? You think he won't be some other little trollop's knight in shining armour and leave you in the middle of foreplay, like he did me?" She snapped.
Bitch did not just call me a trollop…
"He loves me Maria. I don't really care what you think. And if he left right in the middle of foreplay, I doubt it was any good." I bitched back.
Before I registered a thing I was struck with a stinging pain against my face and undoubtedly would be left with the angry red mark of where her hand had slapped. I'm not a bitch, I may be small but I fight like a man. Without hesitancy I pulled my arm back and punched her square in the face. My knuckles ached but the smile on my face was irreplaceable. Before Maria could say another word Jasper was beside me, placing soft kisses on my bruising knuckles. She stomped away.
Remember when we were such fools?
And so convinced and just too cool.
Oh no, no no.
I wish I could touch you again.
I wish I could still call you friend.
I'd give anything.
Jasper and I had been together for nearly 6 months before we slept together, he was my first. He kept telling me that there was no rush and that we could wait. He said it so often that I worried that he didn't want me. We'd been drunk that night, I'd made a promise to myself that I wouldn't ever lose my virginity while intoxicated, and I'd broken that. As soon as it happened I cursed myself. But I'd felt ready. I knew that I would want Jasper forever, and he'd told me he felt the same. He'd promised me forever and reinforced it with each kiss and gentle caress. He was everything I'd never even imagined I'd needed. It was painful, excruciatingly so. It burnt like lye and I couldn't stop the tears from escaping, but it was perfect. He was perfect. It didn't last long but I hadn't expected it to. It was awkward but I'd wanted it, we'd wanted it. I was comforted by the knowledge that I was his, always. We had forever to practise. And we got a lot better, before long it was nothing I'd ever thought myself capable of. It was hot, blindingly passionate until every kiss seared and every touch licked like flames, until we couldn't breathe or form words, until I felt him in every part of me.
"I love you." He'd whispered fervently and repeatedly against the fevered skin of my neck, marked in several places by his glorious mouth.
"I love you, too." I'd breathed back with just as much feeling.
Only when I really thought about it did I truly realise how much had changed. There was no way Jasper and I could go back to being friends. It was a case of heart all-or-nothing. I would never be strong enough to just walk past him in the streets with a friendly "Hello," I never, ever wanted to be anything less than what we had. Every innocent touch was alive, when our hands brushed there was an electric current that went right to my core and warmed my heart. He'd changed me for the better and if our relationship ever fell apart I could never have him in my life in any other capacity. I wondered what I'd do if it ever came down to that. What would I think if we broke up? Would I want to go back and remain the best of friends we'd once been, if I'd known the outcome? Maybe I would've. But that didn't matter. We had eternity.
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone.
I guess I just didn't know how.
I was all wrong.
But, they knew better, still, you said forever
And ever, who knew?
Jasper and I had met in our senior year of Forks High, and after graduation we moved to Seattle together. We both got into the University of Washington and lived together in a small apartment just off of campus. I was happy, so very, very happy. I was studying child care and Jasper was studying health and social. I wanted to work with children, maybe become a nursery teacher or something similar. Jasper just liked helping people; he'd never had any career plans and was advised to do something that he was not only good at, but enjoyed. Because of Jasper's charismatic and compassionate nature it just made sense for him to go into a line of work that involved a lot of human interaction. He was weighing up his options while he studied. I was proud of him though, we were just as obsessed with each other as we always were and our relationship had never been so strong. We had a happy healthy sex life, a focus on the bigger picture and we were taking steps towards the rest of our forever. I was doing some reading for an assignment when Jasper came home.
"You're late." I pouted like a child.
"Sorry baby, I had to talk to some guy about a job. I feel pretty good about it." He sounded happy as he came over.
I was led across the bed on my stomach and he decided to lie down over me, carefully balancing his weight on his elbows. He nestled his chin in the crook of my neck.
"Whatcha readin'?" He asked.
"Class stuff." I told him, my boredom apparent. "What job were you going for?" I asked, curious as to why he hadn't told me beforehand.
"Nothing serious, it's just some volunteer work. I'm gonna help some guys out at this homeless shelter." He explained, and I smiled. A surge of pride rose up within me as Jasper once again proved his perfection.
"That's great, Jazzy." I told him enthusiastically.
"mmm-hmmm…" he hummed against my neck as he trailed steamy kisses. I giggled.
"I have work to do…" I half-heartedly rebuffed him.
It was useless though, he knew he had me.
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again.
Until we, until we meet again.
And I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'cause they're all wrong.
My life fell apart. Jasper and I had made plans to go out for our 3rd anniversary. It had been 3 years since I found out that James had cheated on me, 3 years since Jasper confessed his love. We were going away for the weekend. I had never been so excited for anything. But the Wednesday before had been a disaster. A change had come over Jasper in the previous weeks, he was tired all the time, he had violent coughing fits, and he barely ate anything. He woke up in the middle of the night in hot flushes. I kept telling him to go to the doctor, but he insisted he was fine. Jasper told me that I worried too much, and I did when it came to him. I was always worried about him, every day. When I got the call my heart stopped. I made it to the hospital in record time. The doctor's told me that I couldn't see him; they needed to run some tests. I understood that it was there job but I was falling apart. Jasper was the strong one; he'd always been the strong one. When I was finally allowed in I was beside him in seconds. He looked almost frail, he was so much skinnier than I'd noticed, or maybe it was just the setting making him look that way. I knew he'd been unwell, but I didn't realise it called for professional care. I should've made him visit a doctor sooner, I could've prevented it.
"Hey baby." He said with a weak smile, an echo of the smile I loved.
"Jazzy…" I choked and only then did I realise I was crying.
"Shhh, it's okay. It's nothing. You'll see…" he soothed me, but I was so close to falling to pieces "Come here." He said.
I leant forward and he kissed me, hot and strong and wet, until I couldn't breathe. He wasn't as weak as he looked. When I pulled back he had that beautiful sparkle in his eye. The doctor came in to ask some questions, I kept my hand in Jasper's the entire time. Jasper was perfectly calm, he answered every single question without a pause, he spoke about his college work, where he grew up, he spoke about the work he did for the homeless. A lot of the questions seemed centred on his home environment, I wondered why that was.
It was a few weeks and several hospital trips before we got a solid diagnosis. Tuberculosis, they thought he'd gotten it from his work at the shelter. Jasper had been so strong throughout the entire ordeal, but when we got home that evening, his experimental cocktail clutched in his trembling fists, he'd broke. My courageous, strong, beautiful man shattered in front of me. I'd seen Jasper cry on a handful of occasions during our time together but it was different. He'd never liked me seeing him vulnerable, because I'd always been a sensitive person, I often would burst into tears at the sight of someone else's sadness. But Jasper fell to his knees and he bawled, he screamed strangled cries that I'm sure burnt up his throat as they started up another round of bloodied coughs. He tugged at his hair as fat tears streaked down his torn face. I fell down beside him and tried to get him to look at me.
"It's gonna be okay, alright? You're gonna do exactly what the doctor said." I told him.
He locked eyes with me, he had such a heartbreakingly unsettling expression, his eyes were deep pools of misery, his perfect face marred by his inconsolable sadness, and he looked so vulnerable. For the first time, I saw Jasper scared. I could see it, it was written all over him. He was terrified. I couldn't make it better.
For weeks we followed doctors' orders, for weeks I watched the love of my life wither away. But he still told me I was beautiful every day, and every day he proved he loved me. The only thing that didn't change about Jasper was the way he treated me. I knew he was trying to be brave, trying to convince him and me that he could keep his promise of forever. But he was the one who needed the most convincing. Ignorance was bliss and when I could manage it, I pretended it wasn't happening. Every day I woke up and a little more of my Jasper had fallen away. It wasn't just physically, he was deteriorating on the inside, his eyes held no sparkle, he only smiled for me, his words held no passion unless he was telling me how beautiful I was and when he said he loved me, it felt like goodbye.
And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember.
It was a week before my birthday when I got the call that broke my heart. The second I realised it was the hospital calling, I knew. I didn't hear any of the words, I was screaming internally. I was crying, sobbing, blubbering. My chest was a black abyss. It was eerie how empty I felt, tears had yet to come in physical form, but inside my head there was an emotional hurricane. I signed the necessary paperwork. And when the doctor told me that Jasper had just given up, I wanted to hit him. So many people who didn't know me and had no reason to care felt obligated to give me the "sorry for your loss" speech. I hated them all for it. He'd taken the light of my life for a final time, and he wasn't bringing it back. When I got back to the apartment that night I crawled into the bed, it was too big without him, too cold without his body lined with mine. I'd never felt more alone. And finally, I cried. I thought back to his first admission to the hospital when he'd kissed me with so much heat that I was sure that he'd pull through. False hope, it had all been false hope. All those remedies, everything they pumped into him, all of that was just wishful thinking too. I cried and cried until my eyes burned with salt and my throat ached and stung, until I couldn't breathe without taking panicked gasps. In all our time together my mind had never done him justice, it never had caught him with all of his perfection. It was nothing more than the blurred image of an illegal download. Now he had to live there, in the haze of memories that would become increasing fuzzy with time. Why? I didn't ever want to forget anything, but it was inevitable. I tried to remember with clarity the way that he'd kissed my bare shoulder every morning before whispering "Morning, baby" but I couldn't manage it, his voice had been like hot tea and honey and it was spoiled by my brain.
But I'll keep your memory
You'll visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?
I exhausted myself with crying and fell into a fitful sleep, I tossed and turned and my heart broke all over again when I never managed to touch his warm skin in the sheets. I stared unseeingly at the ceiling. With a huge sigh I stumbled to the cupboard. I wanted a shirt of his to wear; I just wanted to feel a little closer. I tugged open an overstuffed drawer and pulled out a sweater, to find a small velvet box tucked snuggly underneath. The flood gates opened again. I fell to the floor. It was only then that I realised what I should have so much earlier. He'd known. Jasper had known that he wouldn't make it. That was why his eyes had been so haunted, that was why he always kept up his daily declaration of love. He'd died making sure that I knew he loved me. Even when he'd known his days were numbered he still wanted me to know I was beautiful. And I knew right then that every day I would fall in love with him all over again, he didn't have to be warm and breathing and beside me. He'd wanted to marry me. I'd found the physical prove of his promise of forever. I'd never gotten the chance to say yes. I lay there on the floor, the still unopened box clutched in one fist as I held the sweater close to my chest, my tears stained my face. It was my birthday that week, I hadn't had my period.
My darling
My darling, who knew?
My darling, I miss you
My darling, who knew?
Who knew?
Jasper had known.