It was a bright, warm, sunny day in South Park Colorado as the birds were chirping and love was in the air. It was Valentine's Day, the day of love and everyone had someone else to share it with. Well, almost everyone; Stan was with his girlfriend: Wendy, Kenny had managed to hook up with Red, even Kyle had decided to start dating Bebe but Eric Cartman was still single and all alone on what was suppose to be a day of love. Valentine's Day often made Cartman bitter as it reminded him of how lonely he was. Cartman secretly longed for someone to love that would return his love as well but he knew he would never accomplish this desire.

He stood at the bus stop among his supposed 'friends' as he listened to them ramble on about how wonderful their girlfriends were until he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Aw, shut up about your stupid, smelly girlfriends already! You all sound like a bunch of fruity pansies right now!" Cartman snapped, momentarily silencing the others. He regretted doing so the very second the words flew out of his mouth however, as he knew that this would leave him open to a swarm of insults from his frenemies.

"Aw, shut up lardo! You're just jealous that you don't have a girlfriend!" Kyle spat.

"What?! I do too have a girlfriend, you stupid Jew!" Cartman lied. He didn't know why he always had to lie to his friends like that. This would be the iPad incident all over again.

"What?! No, you don't!" Stan retorted.

"Yuhuh! I do! You just haven't met 'er yet!" Cartman argued.

"Oh yeah?! then let's see her tomorrow, after school!" Kyle challenged as Kenny backed him up with a few muffled remarks.

"Fine!" Cartman agreed as the bus finally arrived to pick them all up. Cartman mentally kicked himself as he took his usual seat at the back of the bus, away from the other children. Where on Earth was he going to find a girl that would want to date him in time for tomorrow? All the girls at school hated him and thought he was disgusting.

That's when it hit him; all the girls at school hated him because they knew who he was and what he was like. Maybe if he put up a false representative and decided to date a girl from South Park Elementary's rivaling school, who didn't know him at all yet. Yeah, that plan just might work. Later in the day: Cartman went home and changed into his tuxedo, combed his hair to look all nice and clean and practically showered himself in cologne. A Grinch-like grin spread across Cartman's countenance as he admired his appearance in the mirror. He looked pretty decent for an overweight boy; now all that was left was his representative.

He would have to charm and win over his unsuspecting victim and he knew for a fact that anyone, no matter their weight could get a girl with the right amount of charming and seduction. He arrived at Middle Park Elementary, where his longtime crush: Patty Nelson would be emerging from soon. Since Cartman had been secretly stalking her for a while now, he knew for a fact that Patty stayed behind late for cheerleading practice. Patty slowly made her way out of the school, enjoying the calm, cool, peaceful night when a voice startled her out of her thoughts.

"Hello beautiful..." Patty turned to see the well-groomed and cleaned-up Eric Cartman standing beneath the light of the streetlamp. He smirked at her seductively as he leaned against the streetlamp's pole in a cool and smooth manner. Patty stared at him in confusion as she recognized him as the South Park Elementary school's quarterback but never had he looked so handsome and smooth to her before. Patty attempted to reply but was silenced by Cartman putting a finger over her mouth and shushing her.

Patty blushed as Cartman moved his hand down to her shoulder and gently brushed it along her exposed arm, down to her hand, before taking ahold of it. He then began to slow dance with her until they reached the schoolyard. They briefly separated from each other while still grasping hands as the school's security light came on, creating a sort of a spotlight for the two. The wind blew their hair gently as Patty's face lit up and her jaw dropped in surprise and amazement Cartman couldn't help but nervously grin to himself as he knew that his plan was working. He pulled Patty back into his embrace and the two continued to slow dance, Before he got her into the dip position and passionately kissed her on the lips.

When Cartman pulled away, he looked down to see a lovestruck Patty grinning goofily back up at him. He couldn't help but smirk to himself as he now knew that his plan had worked. His longtime crush had now become his girlfriend. He couldn't wait to rub her in Kyle's face tomorrow. The next day: Stan, Kyle, Kenny and their respective girlfriends all waited for Cartman to arrive with his supposed, significant other.

"Where is he?! He should have been here by now!" Stan complained as Kenny paced about impatiently.

"I knew that fat lard was lying!" Kyle exclaimed with a laugh as Kenny mumbled in agreement.

"Hello simpletons..." Cartman smirked as he arrived with Patty Nelson clinging to his arm, much to everyone else's surprise.

"This is my girlfriend: Patty Nelson, incase you haven't already met..." Cartman smirked.

"WHAT?!" Was all Kyle could bring himself to say. Never in all his life did he think that Cartman would ever be capable of having a girlfriend.

"We met outside my school; he's quite the charmer." Patty giggled with a blush.

"Cartman is?!" Kyle asked in disbelief. There had to be some kind of catch.

"Yes, he practically swept me off my feet." Patty swooned as Cartman smirked over as his surprised friends and their girlfriends, who were equally surprised.

"Cartman did?" Kyle once again asked in disbelief. He was starting to see through Cartman's charade and he was determined to find a way to snap poor Patty out of the trance Cartman had put her in if it would be the last thing he would ever do.

"Well, we'd love to stick around and chat with you simple-minded children but me and m'lady have a late-evening movie to catch..." Cartman smirked before dipping Patty and once again kissing her passionately on the lips to stick it to his doubting friends and their girlfriends. He and Patty then took their leave but not before Cartman gave her a firm smack on the rear-end, sending a pleasured chill up her spine.

"I can't believe it...Cartman actually did it...Eric Cartman actually got himself a girlfriend..." Stan murmured to himself, in disbelief.

"Well, he seemed to be more polite around her; maybe he won't be a jerk to us when she's around..." Wendy remarked.

"Something fishy's going on here and I'm gonna find out what...No girl in their right mind would ever wanna date Cartman! I'm gonna go talk to her..." Kyle explained but Stan took ahold of his green-gloved hand, before Kyle was able to take his leave as the red-headed, Jewish boy glanced back over at him in confusion.

"No, Kyle wait, I think we should leave Cartman alone this time..." Stan warned.

"What?! Why?!" Kyle complained.

"Well, he seems really happy with her and she seems happy with him too for some, strange reason...plus, every time you get involved in one of Cartman's schemes, it always causes this whole chain of events that becomes out of control...I really think we should stay out of it this time..." Stan explained.

"Okay..." Kyle agreed with a sigh of defeat as he crossed his fingers behind his back. He was going to get to the bottom of things and he was going to save Patty Nelson from Cartman, whether Stan liked it or not.

TO BE CONTINUED...