Author's Note: Not one of my better attempts, but hopefully this will keep everyone happy. Don't own any LOTR characters, and the song is based on "I'd rather do it with Madonna" by the Androids.

# # # # # # # # #

I'D RATHER DO IT WITH A HOBBIT

Now Aragorns got the body

He sure likes to strut his stuff

But he's always hanging out with Arwen

That prissy little Elven slut...

And Faramir is very frisky

He's fond of tying people up

But he's rather taken with Frodo

That cute little Hobbit cup...

* * *

I'd rather do it with a Hobbit

They're what men are supposed to be

Oh, Mr Frodo, won't you do it with me?

* * *

Now Boromir's sexy but corrupted

And Legolas is a blond

And can they make you a good dinner?

Somehow I think not...

* * *

I'd rather do it with a Hobbit

They're what men are supposed to be

Oh, Mr Frodo, won't you do it with me?

* * *

Now Eomer rides a pony

I wish he'd ride me the same way

But he'd be all gross and smelly

Since he's out riding all damn day...

* * *

I'd rather do it with a Hobbit

They're what men are supposed to be (and, as Master Samwise says...)

Oh, Mr Frodo won't you do it with me?

And they keep your feet warm in bed, and they can cook and garden, and they love nice golden jewellery, and, and, and...

Ooh, a Hobbit...

Ooh ooh, a Hobbit...