Lonesome Day
By Bruce Springsteen
Baby, once I thought I knew
Everything I needed
To know about you
JJ tried to sleep. She hadn't had a good night's sleep since they'd got back from East Allegheny.
The idea that her best friend, the man - only man - in her life she trusted completely, could lie to her like that. For so long. It was something JJ could not understand. No matter how many hours she thought about it.
Your sweet whisper
Your tender touch
But I didn't really know that much
He had always been the one she turned to. All her life he had been her constant. The hidden reserve of strength she could call upon when things became too much. Apparently, all the soul searching and confession was one way. As she lay staring up at the ceiling, JJ wondered exactly how much of what she knew had been true.
Joke's on me but, it's gonna be ok.
If I can just get through this lonesome day.
Lonesome day.
JJ got out of her bed and quietly left the bedroom. She had to get her head together. Her friends had been tolerable so far, but they were profilers; it wouldn't be long before they felt compelled to try and help.
It would be so much easier if they didn't know. They had all been there, heard her father and Henry. Knew what they had done, what her life had been like before she left. Now she felt like another poor victim they had to pity. JJ had never wanted anybody's pity.
The profilers all had their demons. The things in their past that drove them to do what they did. JJ had always been the normal one; calm, put together, private JJ. The fact that her team had kicked in the door of her wardrobe and pulled every skeleton out into the light…well, the irony was not lost on her.
Hell's brewing, dark sun's on the rise
This storm'll blow through and
By and by
Will was starting to notice, too. In the last few days, JJ had lost count of the number of times he had asked if she was okay. She wanted to scream at him. Tell him that no, she was not okay. She couldn't, though. That would mean telling him why; she would have to explain everything and she didn't think she wanted him to know. She just needed to sit tight, let things go back to normal on their own and life would carry on.
They'd been just fine before. Henry didn't know what he was talking about. She'd never told him about Will and the baby. He didn't know what he was talking about.
House is on fire, vipers in the grass.
A little revenge and this too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
She worried about him. As much as it irritated her, she wondered what new and improved Hell he was going through now everybody knew. She imagined that he was holed up in the house, writing. He probably hadn't left the study in days.
JJ was ashamed that a part of her hoped he was suffering as much as she was. He had suffered for so long. The truth should have absolved him, more likely it had focussed the town's rage on him as they blamed anyone but themselves for the stench of corruption and deceit surrounding them. JJ knew how they felt.
Not that it made her anymore inclined to call him. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He could suffer right along with her. Just several hundred miles away.
Darling, yeah, I'm gonna pray.
At night, when all I got's this lonesome day.
Lonesome day.
The light was starting to change in the house. The darkness was slowly receding as morning arrived. A new day was rapidly approaching and JJ still had so many questions, so many thoughts careering around in her mind. Every night was the same paradox: she wanted something to make it better but she couldn't bring herself to find her solace. It was too painful. She had made bargains with any and every deity she could think of but divine intervention wasn't going to help her. Every dawn came with JJ still wrestling with her guilt. Guilt about what happened; guilt about the life he'd given up for her; guilt about the life she was living; guilt that she was wasting it away.
JJ chuckled mirthlessly. She wasn't even Catholic.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
Yeah.
Henry would be awake soon. Life at it's simplest. The only respite JJ had from this torment was her son.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
Yeah.
She hadn't needed him for that. Henry was her own creation. If she could get that right then she could do this.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
Yeah.
She could still go to work, still change the world. Her work had been her crutch before. Seven am wasn't too early to be in the office everyday.
It's alright, it's alright…
Oh, who the Hell was she kidding.
Better ask questions before you shoot.
Deceit and betrayals.
Bitter fruit.
He'd held as she poured her heart out; the insecurities, the fear, all of it. She had bared her soul looking for truth and he had kept so much hidden. Her father, for God's sake, her father had been behind it. Her brothers had known about it, been part of it. He could have told her. He should have told her. How do you let a friend find that out about her family in the middle of a police station. What kind of man lets that happen?
He'd told her to leave it alone.
It's hard to swallow, come the time to pay.
That taste on your tongue
Don't easily slip away.
Some things are supposed to be constant. All the counsel he'd given was tainted by one decision so many years ago. All the weekends they had spent exploring cities because she had struggled to feel comfortable with her new friends. All the late night phone calls when she had been too nervous to sleep before exams. Everything she had learnt to hold on to had been ripped away from her in one afternoon. She took a sip of coffee to ward off the bile she felt rising in her throat.
Let Kingdom come.
I'm gonna find my way
To get through this lonesome day.
JJ downed the last of her coffee and straightened up with a new resolve. Will could deal with Henry, it was time for Agent Jareau to stage a comeback. Jennifer was gone, locked away with Henry Sheridan in the little box in her mind.
Lonesome day
She didn't need Henry.
Lonesome day
She could ignore Will.
Lonesome day
She could dodge her friends' concern.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah.
JJ was back.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah.
East Allegheny was just a town she happened to have lived in once.
It's alright, it's alright.
The new and improved JJ lasted about as long as it usually did. Until she reached her car.
It's alright
She made it to the end of the road before the tears fell.
It's alright, it's alright.
She was back in control by the time the FBI building loomed large in front of her.
It's alright, it's alright, now.
There was enough work to keep her mind busy today.
Lonesome day
As long as she didn't have any messages from Will.
Lonesome day
As long as she didn't talk to her well-meaning friends.
Lonesome day
As long as she didn't think about him.