I love Bella so much that in the future I plan to assassinate her and then stuff her so that I can have her in my bed for ever. The only other person I love that much is Emmett but he says he would rather be suffocated by a sweaty armpit than be stuffed and having to remain in my bed. Personally, I would prefer the armpits too. Without deodorant.
I greeted Bella by nibbling her cheek today until some of her salty blood gushed out. She smiled gleefully and spat in my face, calling me a bitch. I love it when she calls me that.
"Get your pups out," I screamed innocently at Bella. She found this offensive for some reason and stood with her mouth wide open, so naturally I stuffed it with leaves.
"Smoof clee charroomp." She said with screaming eyeballs. I love it when she speaks French.
"I want to break up with you." She repeated. I did not want to, as it happened, therefore I removed her shoes and vomited in each of them, filling them up to the rim. It looked like they were filled with chunky vegetable soup, which made me hungry.
"Hey Bella," I said, "Wanna go get your grub on?"
"You're a vampire, you moron." I was confused by this. So? "You can't eat." Ah. I playfully whacked her round the head, and instead of sulking, she 'pretended' to sleep.
"WAKE UP YOU FRIGGIN' WHORE." I screamed like a little school girl. To pass the time and stop people looking at the blood slowly trickling out of her ears, I fondled her boobs. As the hours flew by, my hands started to cramp so I stopped. Bella woke up.
"My breasts feel freezing." Yeah they do, I thought. I am such a sexual predator that I turn myself on sometimes. I felt slightly embarrassed at that moment when I realised my bra strap was showing. Also I realised someone had taken my trousers and underwear.
"Goodbye Edward," Bella said in such a low pitched voice that I died a little inside. She plunged her feet into her shoes making a pleasant squelchy sound.
That is what happened today. Good night – I am going to lay on my bed and think about World War One.
A/N I actually love Twilight as much as Edward loves Bella and Emmett, but this spoof is entirely for FUN. I am TheEntertainer26 and in this spoof I will be writing Edward's diary entries whereas lj-1993 will write Bella's. Smella. Hella. Fellah. Bella. Please do not take offense from anything that is written.
And by the by, I hate vegetable soup.
Good night.