Majority of the clothes described in this fic are a legit thing but ff net doesn't allow me to add links to them here.
If you want to see them though, find me on AO3 under the same username - the fic is also posted there with all the links.
Jason swore out loud when his lighter didn't cooperate after yet another attempt to produce at least a spark. Some old lady looked him down with indignation but before she could scold him for mouthing off uncooperative inanimate objects in public, he silenced her with a Red Hood look. The lighter refused to work properly at least once a day but he stole it from Alfred so in the end sentiment always won with the urge to throw it out. The fourth attempt was successful and at last he could enjoy his nicotine intake. He put the lighter back into his pocket and looked through the cafe window.
Dick was still queuing for his sweet concoction that was a desecration to coffee. His boyfriend wasn't hard to find among the crowd inside the he was wearing shirt covered in huge colourful dots and high-waisted jeans. Jason was happy he couldn't see the horrendous brown loafer shoes from where he was standing. The whole look was complimented by his boyfriend's ridiculous haircut. Jason had nothing against long hair, especially when pulling them in bed resulted in Dick producing a symphony of moans. But the mullet he was wearing recently was making Jason rethink his life choices every day.
"Yes, I'm sure I don't want anything, go get your damned frappuccino," Jason heard from his left. Two men were walking towards the cafe and when Jason turned to look at them, the handsome blond one was kissing his pouting boyfriend on the cheek.
"Don't be like that, Pete. I know you're going to drink half of my horrible frappuccino anyway," replied the blond one with a knowing smile but before the one he called Pete could retort, he was already inside the cafe. Jason observed the blond man as he joined the queue – he was wearing a shirt with green polka dots, dark fringe vest, and flared trousers with yellow and white stripes...
"Wow! And I thought my boyfriend was the nightmare of fashion designers," Jason commented before he could stop himself. Pete looked taken aback by his directness but then he looked into the cafe again and his eyes stopped on Dick who was now waiting to collect his order. Pete snorted.
"So, Rainbow Dots is yours?" Pete asked him and when they looked at each other again, they both burst out laughing.
"I wish I knew what the hell they're thinking," Pete added, shaking his head.
"What are we thinking since neither of us has put their wardrobes on fire," Jason replied and to mark his words, he dramatically put out his cigarette on the nearest trash can. He expected Dick and him to be on their way to see the city soon but his boyfriend didn't look too eager to leave the cafe despite already having his coffee in hand. Dick accosted Pete's boyfriend.
"I've got a bad feeling about this," said Pete while they both observed his blondie and Dick having an enthusiastic discussion while pointing at each other's tragedy of clothes. The two of them continued their conversation throughout the blondie's wait for his order and then they left the cafe together, both grinning. Before Jason or Pete had a chance to say anything they were all being introduced to one another – blondie turned out to be named Johnny – and then the words that Jason had been subconsciously fearing were spoken.
"We're going shopping together!"
Suddenly Jason felt an urge to swallow a lit cigarette. Just to create an emergency that would require a hospital visit.
"Dick cannot waste his time by venturing all alone," Johnny continued. "Especially since you're here just for the weekend."
Jason wanted to hit his head against the wall. Repeatedly. Yes, they're in New York only for the weekend. Finally far enough from Gotham and Bludhaven that only a dire emergency would require for Nightwing and Red Hood to come running to provide help. And okay, sightseeing had to happen but Jason mostly hoped to spend the weekend in their hotel room - the bed part of their hotel room to be exact - and that there would beno clothes in general since they finally have a break from their vigilantism... And now they're going shopping for clothes just to add even more ridiculous pieces of clothing to the circus boy's wardrobe. This must be a nightmare... He's going to wake up in the hotel room any second now, right?
Jason looked at Pete hoping for support but the man was the embodiment of giving up. He must have accepted their fate... And then Jason looked at Dick and his blue eyes sparkling with excitement and felt a pang in his chest where his heart should be and he knew he's going to follow suit. He sighed.
"Lead us then!" Jason said to Johnny and Dick jumped at him with a squeal of joy and rewarded him with a quick kiss. Jason sighed again but this time internally. Why was Dick Grayson his kryptonite?
Johnny got them a cab and moments later they were sitting in the back of the yellow car along with Pete while the blondie was cheerfully conversing with the driver in the front. Usually three grown men in the back of a cab meant being quite squeezed but this time is was tolerable since Dick was almost sitting in his lap.
"You know it's the Johnny Storm?" Dick whispered, his lips touching Jason's ear which was undoubtedly distracting.
"No, should I?"
"Oh, Jaybird," Dick muttered, discontent.
"If he's not a child kidnapper or some other criminal then I don't see why I need to know who he is," Jason shrugged. He didn't add that if the Johnny Storm wasn't looking at Pete as if he hung the moon and the stars then he would be quite interested in who someone catching Dick's attention this much is.
Dick nudged him in the stomach with his elbow but he was still grinning. Jason had nothing left to do but enjoy Dick's unfettered smiles for the rest of the weekend.
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"Oh, Jay would look amazing in this!"
Jason looked up when he heard his name. He was sitting with Pete on the couch next to the fitting room for the last hour. He wasn't sure how many rounds of tick-tac-toe and the Impossible Quiz they played on Peter's smart phone while their boyfriends were busy looking through preposterous clothes which Jason would gladly set on fire.
"Jaaay, please, try this on!"
Dick scampered to the couch. He was holding a two-piece suit – it was turquoise with a flowery pattern. But the flowers weren't its biggest problem. The problem was that if he wore it, the sleeves of the blazer would reach his elbows at best and the trousers would end above his knees...There was also a white shirt to complete the set as well as a tie with the same flowery pattern.
"Dick, babe, there aren't enough words for denial in the English language for me to properly answer your request."
Pete snorted on his left. Jason hoped for karma to hit back soon and bring Johnny with some equally horrible set for his boyfriend- But then they heard an alarm go off somewhere outside. He quickly diagnosed the bank on the other side of the street as the source of the noise. Jason was up and ready to fight within the next second.
His instinct to protect civilians kicked in immediately and Jason's focus was on Peter and the shop assistant - in case chaos was about to take over the situation, since knowing New York, this wasn't a regular armed robbery. He was about to yell at Dick to keep his eye on Johnny when his line of thought was cut off by seeing Johnny getting out of his clothes. Then Johnny – naked but for his underwear - said something and was suddenly covered in fire.
Jason looked through his memory for people with such power and- Okay, maybe the Johnny Storm should have been familiar. But no one could blame him. The whole clothing affair flummoxed him so much that he had a right not to recognize the Human Torch.
Peter ran out after his flaming hot boyfriend, Jason and Dick followed suit. Johnny had already managed to drag the bank robbing villain onto the street. The guy was wearing a purple and yellow costume from head to toe. Even his helmet was purple. Jason was the last one to criticize a good helmet but this one was just idiotic and made the villain's face look like a squeezed potato. Jason had remarkable luck for people wearing ridiculous clothes today.
"Human Torch!" yelled the purple-potato-villain. "I didn't expect to meet you today but I am ready to end you once and for all!"
If Jason didn't agree to leave his guns behind in exchange for morning sex in their luxurious hotel bathroom, the guy would be already losing his teeth thanks to rubber bullets in his face.
In his peripheral vision he noticed a car driving on the pavement right at them – you would think that after the weirdness that is happening in New York every day its residents would learn to watch where they're going instead of staring at the ongoing fight – and jumped at Peter to get him out of the way. However, Peter must have wanted to do the same since they just bumped awkwardly into each other halfway and as a result they just shared a quick confused look before jumping out of the way in two different directions. Dick missed the whole situation – since the fight started he nestled himself on a roof of the car parked outside the shop and observed Johnny with fascination. He was only missing a packet of popcorn.
"Look where you're going, idiot!" Jason wailed at the driver who continued to drive on the pavement. It was only then that he realized what he was doing and hit the brakes. Jason needed a cigarette. That he could stub out on the leather seat in this stupid fuck's car.
"Johnny, stop playing!" Pete shouted at his boyfriend. "I've got a day off once in forever and I am not going to spend it at watching Paste-Pot Pete doing whatever he thinks he's doing!"
Paste-Pot?
Jason just then saw some gluey substance that the purple-potato-villain shot out of the weapon connected to the container on his back. Gotham had some Z-list villains as well but this was just pathetic... And gross.
Johnny grinned at his boyfriend and indeed stopped playing. He melted the purple-potato's container so that his own goo glued him to the ground. Jason could hear the sirens of the oncoming police cars.
Johnny flew closer to them and landed completely flame free next to Pete. Jason cursed Johnny's and Dick's dreadful clothes once again when he finally had an opportunity to take a look at the Human Torch in all his glory – naked except for the underwear which was red with a pattern of blue spider web. Dick jumped down from the car with his acrobatic grace and he was already fawning over how amazing it must be to be able to fly and asking questions typical for a fangirl. Johnny wasn't flustered by the queries at all and answered all of them ardently while they both started to walk back to the clothing shop.
Jason wasn't sure what he expected to happen after the whole villainous chaos but he did hope they're not going back shopping. He was wrong.
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In the evening, when they were on their way for a double-date dinner, Dick was wearing a colourful weirdly cut vest with patterns that were simply nauseating and a tartan blazer. At least his trousers were quite dark albeit with a bizarre texture. Pete seemed to be equally perplexed about his boyfriend's outfit – a shirt that made Jason's head spin and a checked yellow suit. Neither Jason nor Pete had to use words to express their misery. After hours spent playing various games on a smart phone while waiting outside countless fitting rooms, they bonded in a way that allowed them to communicate by simply sharing hopeless looks.
Jason had a plan to rip some seams while tearing the atrocious clothes off of Dick after returning to the hotel. He felt that Pete had a similar concept in mind for the night.
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