Who I Am, an one tree hill fanfic

isclaimer: Although I would love to, I do not own the characters of One Tree Hill, they belong to the wonderful creator of the show. Authors Note: This is not my first fanfiction, although it is my first One Tree Hill one. I hope this won't be my last. Please review and tell me if you like it. This story could have a sequel or I may continue onto it, depends on how you all like it.

I watched the proverbial sunrise coming up over the Pacific and you might think I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics...

Officially it has been 7 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 7 hours since I ruined my only chance at total happiness. Doing what I did to her was the biggest mistake I'd made in a long time. I was doing so good, life was perfect, and I had everything I wanted. Brooke, an amazing girlfriend and Peyton, a great friend, it seems, were all I needed. Now that's over. Not only is Brooke not speaking to me, but Peyton too. The day my mind betrayed my heart and thought of Peyton in a sexual way while I was still with Brooke was the beginning of the end. 'cause I don't want you to know where I am 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

I left as soon as summer hit that year. I'd realized after a week of being without Brooke that she was the one I wanted, not Peyton. Of course I explained this to her and broke things off with Peyton. I'm not exactly sure why, but my mind told me that Brooke would take me back even though I'd cheated on her with her best friend. True, it was a bit cocky of me. Brooke didn't take me back, which wasn't much of a surprise; neither girl wanted anything to do with me. I didn't want anything to do with me. From that day on I vowed to never do what I did to Brooke to any girl, ever again. I'd never break up with a girl without being 100 percent sure that I'd never want her again. That was mostly where I went wrong, Brooke was… is the one for me despite what she may think at the moment. It didn't take long after loosing her for me to realize that I was in love with her. Actually, it was quite simple. My heart was aching, my head was bursting, my arms were begging to hold her. Everything I tried to stop myself from wanting, came back to bite me in the ass. At first, being away from Tree Hill was helping, not having to see Brooke was allowing my heart time to heal, but then all of a sudden BOOM Brooke was on my mind. From that day on my heart was practically crying for her.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it. See that line. Well I never should have crossed it. Stop right there. Well I never should have said that it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

I tried multiple times to make Brooke understand, to tell her what happened. I hadn't wanted her to forgive me, but I also didn't want her to hate me. She meant too much to me.

There they were again, Lucas' body hovering over Peyton's on her bed. Their mouths were attached, their tongues entwined and hands all over each other. He was dating Brooke, but he was romancing her best friend. Peyton's hands tore at his shirt while she flipped him underneath her. Even Peyton knew this was wrong, she'd been trying to get Lucas to dump Brooke for the longest time but her efforts were useless, Lucas was holding on to something. Her hands moved up his bare chest as he groaned, "Mm Peyton…"

Right there, that night was crossing the line. Somewhere inside me I knew that was a mistake. That night, when Peyton and I gave into each other was the beginning of the terrible love triangle I like to call Bleyton. The second I pushed Peyton onto the bed I lost everything, her, Brooke… my life. I never should have crossed that line; I never should have said the things I said. Living in the past was something I was doing quite often.

I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to try and never become that way again 'cause who I am hates who I've been. Who I am hates who I've been.

Since I've spent so much time away, thinking, reflecting back on what I'd done, I came to one conclusion. My life was pathetic without the light that was Brooke Davis. Before this time, I was an asshole, I admit it. I'd managed to make myself no better than the one man I never wanted to be anything like. Dan Scott. I was my father's son. Who I am now, the man who would give anything to regain the love of Brooke Davis, hates what I had become. Now, after I've given myself this time to try and fix myself, I want to try again. My goal is to head back to Tree Hill tomorrow and show Peyton and Brooke that I'm a changed man.

I talk to absolutely no one. Couldn't keep to myself enough. And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

This is why I write like this. I have nobody to talk to. Keith is here with me, but I just feel like I can't talk to him about things like this. Somehow, I managed to break the first woman who ever took the time to give a damn about whether I lived or died's heart. What kind of a man does that? I'll tell you what kind, the kind that doesn't know when he has a good thing standing right in front of him. The kind of man who takes the simple things such as love for granted, the kind of man that I used to be.

I heard the reverberating footsteps sinking up to the beating of my heart, and I was positive that unless I got myself together, I would watch me fall apart.

Before I left, I was about to talk to Brooke and Peyton. I'm glad I did not do as I had originally planned. I remember walking up to Brooke's house, my footsteps echoing perfectly with the beat of my heart. And suddenly it occurred to me just what I had done, just how badly I screwed up our relationship. I'd started to cry, something I rarely did, especially not in public. Finally, as I walked up to Brooke's door, I turned and left. I couldn't do it. I needed to get myself together, fix myself for her, and then come back. She didn't need to watch me break down like an idiot.

And I can't let that happen again 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

She'd never seen me break before, but I couldn't allow her to ever see it. I can't let that happen. It just wouldn't be right. Brooke Davis is the one for me; she and I will be on the cover of a parenting magazine one day with our 4 kids. But right then and there, my heart was in a worse condition than it had ever been. I was broken, whether or not I liked to admit it, I was.

Some may say I've lost my mind, but the truth is I'm a man in love. A man in love with a beautiful woman. Now here I am, walking up the stairs to Brooke's apartment more scared than I've ever been in my entire life. Loving someone is giving them the ability to destroy you; Brooke is the only one who has ever had that shot. I've been destroyed once and I refuse to let it happen again. My hand betrayed me and immediately began to bang on her door, my lips opening and saying her name over and over.

I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to try and never become that way again 'cause who I am hates who I've been. Who I am hates who I've been.

After a while she opened the door. I didn't say anything; oddly enough my arms reacted and pulled her into my embrace. She didn't pull away; instead she put her arms underneath my armpits, her hands resting on my shoulders in one of the oddest hugs I'd ever received. My name escaped her lips, I was happy to hear her say it. I didn't think I'd ever hear her say it again. Finally I was able to speak. "God Brooke, I missed you." Her body pulled away from me and a smile spread across her beautiful face, "Yeah, I missed you too." I was surprised to tell you the least. I figured that by now she hated me for being away for so long. I wondered how Peyton was, but chose not to ask her.

Who I am hates who I've been and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me. Who I am hates who I've been 'cause who I've been only ever made me...

"I was lost without you," Brooke said gently as she led me to the couch in her apartment. She had already told me about renting Nathan and Haley's old place. I was shocked to hear it but she quickly reassured me that the two were expecting a child and lived 2 apartments down from where we were right now. My little brother and best friend, pregnant? The thought of not being here for Haley made my stomach ache. Next thing I knew, Brooke was sitting on my lap, running her hands down my shirted chest and proclaiming her love for me. I shook my head, "Oh Brooke. I love you too. I made a mistake, and I'm sorry." Brooke nodded, "It's all in the past now Lucas, you and me, we're meant to be." I smiled, this was too simple. I wanted to prove myself to her; I needed to show her how I'd changed before I simply went back with her. Not only would it make my conscious feel better, but it would help her to understand that I know what I did and that I'm sorry. She needed to know I was a changed man.

So sorry for the person I became. So sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to try and never become that way again 'cause who I am hates who I've been.

"I'm sorry Brooke," I stated, "I'm sorry for everything I did to you. I'm sorry for the man I was. I've changed, I took my time and now I'm here, back for you. I love you Brooke Davis, with all my heart." And there it was, she dropped her lips to mine for a kiss, we were on the road to recovery.

Who I am hates who I've been.