The plot bunny assaulted me after I came across a kink meme request on LJ:

"any couple (bonus points if it's someone completely unexpected, like sweden/finland, austria/hungary, russia/china...) making a homemade porno.

bonus points will be awarded for the following:
- bad, cheesy "erotic" dialogue
- hilarious titles (i.e. "the da vinci chode")
- a third party finding the video and forwarding it to everyone in their email address book"

My very first Lemon fic. And thus begins my road to Hell XD

Disclaimer: All Characters (C) Axis Powers Hetalia & Hidekaz Hiramuya. Characters and story are not representative of actual nations and events.

Chapter 1: You Want Me to What!

"YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?" Wang Yao yelled so loudly that his voice echoed through the corridors of the government complex, causing several officials in various parts of the building to drop their pens in fright.

"Calm down, Yao-kun," the Dragon said tiredly. He had just spent an entire afternoon in the company of a very persistent and agitated president of a certain Panda preservation society and did not appreciate being shouted at by another of his subordinates. Why, if this had been in the olden days, such rudeness would be dealt with at the execution ground.

"Calm down? Calm down? You tell me with a straight face that you want me to make an adult movie to save the panda population and you expect me to calm down aru?" Yao cried, tearing at his hair in exasperation.

"Yao-kun, I could tell you with an angsty face that I would like you to make an adult movie to save the panda population and I'm sure it would have elicited the same response," the Dragon responded calmly.

"Aiya! That's not the point aru!" Yao stomped his foot.

"Yao-kun, the pandas are facing the danger of extinction. Thai-san said his researchers have discovered that showing our pandas pornography will encourage them to mate. As a nation, Yao-kun, it is your duty to save our national symbol."

"I know aru! And I'm not trying to shirk responsibility! But... wouldn't it be more appropriate if we used pandas in the video instead of people?" Yao said desperately.

"Yao-kun, if we could make the pandas do an adult movie, would our panda population be suffering now?"

Yao sighed. The Dragon made a good point.

"Fine. But why does it have to be me? Why not the people? We have many fine actors and actresses in our entertainment industry. Or even better, why not import adult movies from other countries? Like... like Japan for example?"

"Yao-kun! You banned pornography yourself! What would our people say if you don't practise what you preach? We would be the international laughing stock if we broke the law we have tried so hard to enforce since 1949!"

The Dragon's words made a lot of sense. Certainly, he was not the Dragon for nothing.

"Cheer up, Yao-kun! On the bright side, you can choose anyone you want to be your co-star, as long as this person is reliable and can keep mum. I will provide you with all the equipment you need to make it. I promise you that nobody else will get to see this video other than the pandas. Besides, you only have to act it out, not actually do it you know."

Yeah right, a lot of comfort that was.

Alas, that was the fate of a nation. The Chinese were a superstitious lot and should the panda population really die out, the people would deem it as sign from the heavens. It would break them. As a nation, he had to protect the peace of his people, even if it meant self-sacrifice.

"Very well aru, I will do all I can to help the pandas," Yao sighed.

"Thank you Yao-kun. You may go now."

The Dragon was very generous. He had sent an entire lorry of videography equipment to Yao's house. Since the Dragon had urged for discretion, and Yao personally would not have it any other way, he supposed he would have to figure out all the equipment and directing himself. Or hope his partner could.

Yes, the partner. Who on earth could he rope in to do this horrible deed?

Xiang would be perfect. Xiang liked pandas too, and since he was officially a family member, he could be counted on to not let news about the movie leak out to other countries. But Xiang was so devoid of facial expression that acting was probably an alien concept for him. Yao mentally struck him off the list.

Wan? Er... if he even brought up the subject, he could probably forget about ever bringing her home.

Yong Soo? No, Yao would not be able to tolerate him shouting about how every single position originated from Korea.

Kiku? With the expert in the house, Yao would not have to worry about the videography. But... Kiku had weird kinks... Nah...

Francis would only be too happy to agree. But the man's verbal sexual abuse was already unbearable. Yao could not imagine being naked in the same room with a naked Francis.

Heracles, who is so famous for his people's high sex drive? Yao could offer to help Heracles get out of that ridiculous debt he had gotten himself into in exchange for his help. But Ludwig would become suspicious and there would be a lot of explaining to be done.

Ludwig? Definitely not, not after Feliciano had innocently showed everybody Ludwig's 'exotic collection' of adult toys at the last World Summit.

Feliciano? Ludwig would kill him.

Alfred? Yao could offer to write off his debts in exchange for his help and silence. After all, it did not seem like he could repay them any time soon so he might as well take the opportunity to make him work for his debt.

But Ivan would get upset. Yao's inclination to Alfred's policies had caused a huge conflict between them years ago and it had been quite awhile before they mended their relationship. If Ivan somehow got wind of information that Yao was working with Alfred on something so intimate, he might launch a second Cold War. Not only would this be bad for all other nations, but in future, everyone in the world would learn from their history textbooks that Cold War II started because China made an adult movie with America.

Never. Not in a million years.

So... Ivan was the only option.

Ivan had a vibrant pornography, no sorry, erotica industry. Yao could count on him for the directing. Yao was friendly with Ivan and probably had no problems convincing him to help him. But Ivan's possessiveness was frightful. He felt that Ivan would not be satisfied with just 'acting it out', especially having observed the way Ivan always looked at him lustfully.

Nevertheless, for the sake of the pandas and the people, Yao dialled a number on his cell phone.

"Hello, is this Ivan?"

To be continued...

Author's Notes:

For your reference

Panda Pornography: It exists. Look it up on Google or Wikipedia. Fortunately, it does not feature people.

Erotica: The Russians consider adult movies an art form. According to wikipedia - "Russian directors and the entire community of adult-movie fans, critiques, and others intrigued by the rare sexual appeal of the Russian movies, often shun away from using the term pornography. Rightfully so, they prefer a more accurate term of Erotica, which stands for a more creative and passionate dramatic performance."

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