AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know how this idea popped into my head. Spike TV's "Deadliest Warrior" is one of my favorite shows. On the flip side, I can't stand bubblegum, nonsensical pop songs, but unfortunately, it is impossible to ignore "artists" like Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers. I even heard a Miley Cyrus song at a college softball game I covered for my radio station for cryin' out loud. So now it's time to have some fun, albeit somewhat sadistic fun. So sit back and enjoy my very special edition of "Deadliest Warrior."
NARRATOR: Hannah Montana. This blond southern siren is the undisputed ruler of the teen pop world. From music to TV to movies to magazines to blogs to backpacks, she has inserted herself into the lives of girls ages nine to thirteen in every corner of the world.
Joe Jonas. His disarming looks and cheerful singing has made him the main heartthrob of the three-member band known as the Jonas Brothers. No girl between the ages of ten and fourteen can glimpse at a poster, magazine cover or notebook bearing his image without going into hysterics.
These two provide the Disney Channel with a powerful one-two punch when it comes to entertainment. But what happens when these purveyors of putrid, pointless pop music face-off in a battle to the death? Who will be . . . THE DEADLIEST POP STAR!
Welcome to the Fight Club in Los Angeles. Here we have assembled a team of scientists, doctors and weapons experts to determine who would win in the fight between two of the world's most famous pop stars, Hannah Montana or Joe Jonas.
Geoff Desmoulin is a biomedical scientist and former member of the Canadian Armed Forces.
GEOFF: Normally on "Deadliest Warrior," we pit two of history's most famous warriors against one another. Spartan vs. Ninja, Green Berets vs. Spetsnaz. So why are we bothering with two singers who ten years from now will likely go the way of Debbie Gibson and Tiffany as former teen pop stars reduced to acting in crappy Sci-Fi Channel movies? Well, a few weeks ago, I was at my young niece's birthday party, and all she played there was Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers songs. For a guy like me who prefers Motorhead, Iced Earth and Slipknot, I could only take so much of that . . . like about ten seconds. So I retired to the back yard with a few beers, and somewhere around my fourth one I thought about "Deadliest Warrior," thought about Hannah Montana and Joe Jonas, and said, "What if . . ."
NARRATOR: Medical expert, Doctor Armand Dorian.
DORIAN: Working in an ER in Los Angeles, I've dealt with my fair share of music stars involved in club brawls, scuffles with paparazzi, slap fights with publicists and assistants. They may look like wimps to most people, but trust me, sometimes there can be nothing more dangerous than an angry pop star. So this should be an interesting fight.
NARRATOR: Computer expert, Max Geiger.
MAX: Both these singers rely more on looks than anything else and neither is very physically imposing. In boy vs. girl, you're tempted to give the edge to the boy, but in this case, we have a boy who a kindergartener could probably beat up. Hard to say who'll come out the winner in this one. We'll just have to test out the weapons each one brings to the fight, run the results through the computer, and see what happens.
NARRATOR: Hannah Montana's weapons are . . . the microphone, the mike stand, press-on nails, and her exclusive line of perfume, "Essence of Hannah."
Joe Jonas brings to the fight . . . a cell phone, the electric guitar, his school tie, and his exclusive line of cologne . . . "Ol' Jonas."
To test these weapons, we've brought in experts on both singers. Team Hannah Montana consists of Lilly Truscott, Hannah's best friend, and Lisa Spangler, the Hannah Montana beat writer for Disney Magazine.
LILLY: Well of course Hannah's gonna win. She rocks. I mean, Joe Jonas is cute and all, but cute won't win you a fight.
NARRATOR: On Joe Jonas' side, it's his older brother Nick, and Andy Morales, the Jonas Brothers beat writer for Disney Magazine.
NICK: I mean, c'mon. Joe's fighting a girl. Yeah, maybe Hannah Montana's a little taller, but she's still a girl. Like, Joe will kick her butt . . . Um, is it okay to say he's gonna kick a girl's butt? Disney Channel won't get mad at me for saying that, will they? Like, if they fire me, I'll probably wind up deejaying for high school proms.
GEOFF: Yeah, this is boy vs. girl, and normally you'd be inclined to pick the boy. But Hannah Montana grew up in the backwoods of Tennessee. We're talking hillbilly country, moonshiner country. Those are some tough, tough people who live there. I'm giving the edge to Hannah Montana.
DORIAN: At the risk of sounding sexist, boys, in general, are physically stronger than girls. Even though Joe Jonas doesn't have much in the way of height or muscle or any sort of physical prowess save for strumming a guitar, he's not exactly taking on a WWE Diva here. So I have to give the edge to Joe Jonas.
NARRATOR: First up, short-range weapons. Hannah Montana's microphone vs. Joe Jonas' cell phone.
ANDY: Okay, here we have the cell phone Joe Jonas uses. Standard for any world famous pop star. Along with calling people, he can access the internet, play his songs or videos, schedule appointments, make hotel and limo reservations, even hold video conferences. But, in a pinch, because of its solid build, this can double as a weapon, say if some insane father grabs hold of him and accuses him of corrupting his ten-year-old daughter. Just grip it by the bottom and bam, right in the face. Conflict resolved.
LISA: Well this is the typical wireless mike you see most singers use these days. Not only can you conk someone on the head with it, but the bottom of the grip forms a nice little point that be used to stab someone. You can use it to sing, but it can also double as a handy two-in-one weapon.
NARRATOR: Both weapons will be tested on gel torsos that simulates the density of human flesh and bone.
GEOFF: All right, Andy, are you ready?
ANDY: Ready!
GEOFF: Lisa?
LISA: Just give the word.
GEOFF: Okay. Three . . . Two . . . One, give it to 'em!
(Andy swings his right hand, the top half of the cell phone protruding from it. It slams into the gel head's left cheek. He gives it another shot to the temple, another to the mouth. Lisa pounds the microphone on top of her gel torso's head twice, then hits it in the mouth. She raises the mike and stabs it in the ear twice. Blood leaks out from the mangled lobe)
DORIAN (checking Andy's torso): Well, it looks like we've got some loose teeth here, a bruised jaw. The blow to the mouth caused a laceration that will definitely require stitches. Geoff, what's the force of the blows?
GEOFF: The max is forty-nine PSI.
DORIAN: Well, Andy, you definitely hurt your man here, but only hurt him. There's nothing here that's close to a death blow.
(Dorian checks on Lisa's torso)
DORIAN: (whistles). Yeah, there's a bit more damage here. The blows to the head caused a nice laceration. We'll need to stitch that up. You might see a concussion, too. Geoff, force of the blow?
GEOFF: Higher than the cell phone. Fifty-nine PSI.
DORIAN: Yeah, that'll cause some damage. Then you have the stabbing attack. Wow! You tore the hell out of the ear. The point of the microphone went deeper than I expected. We're talking perforated ear drum. None of these wounds are fatal, but if you repeatedly bludgeoned or stabbed him, you could eventually get a kill here, and given the fact you can use the mike to either hit or stab an opponent, between the two, I gotta go with the microphone.
(Both Geoff and Max nod and say, "Yup." "Me, too.")
NARRATOR: In short range weapons, the edge goes to Hannah Montana's microphone.
LILLY: Well of course Hannah's microphone won. I mean, who'd use a cell phone as a weapon? It could break. Then what would you do? I mean, if you don't have a cell phone, you might as well be dead.
NARRATOR: Next, in mid-range weapons, it's Joe Jonas' electric guitar vs. Hannah Montana's mike stand.
NICK: This is my brother's Fender guitar. You know, this could be a good weapon. Like, I saw this old video, and I know it was old 'cause it was, like, in black-and-white, and there was this dude in this band called The Who who swung his guitar like a club and smashed up some speakers. It was pretty cool. So Joe could probably use this to smash Hannah Montana's head like a watermelon. Oh, um, I mean, like, it's not cool to hit women, you know. I mean, this is just for, like, this show. And it's okay 'cause this fight's gonna be in a computer, you know? Like Madden 2010 or something.
LILLY (holding the mike stand): Look. Feel the base of this thing. You could seriously crack someone's skull with this. And then you can take off the microphone clip at the top and stab people with it.
GEOFF: Nick, Lilly! Are you ready?
(Both shout an affirmative, clutching their weapons and staring at the gel torsos on the tables in front of them)
GEOFF: Three . . . Two . . . One! Go!
(Nick heaves the guitar over his head and brings it down. It smashes into the torso's right shoulder, jerking the body to the side. The next swing nails the head. The skull splits. Blood streams out from the gash. Another blow to the head produces more blood and some brains. Geoff and Max whoop it up. Meanwhile, Lilly's first swing connects with her torso's head. A second blow from the stand's rounded base hits the chest. Lilly spins the stand around and jabs with the pointy end three times)
GEOFF (Walks over to Nick's torso, shaking his head): Aw, dude. This guy has had it.
DORIAN (checks out Nick's torso): You obviously were aiming for the head on that first shot, right?
NICK: Yeah.
DORIAN: Okay, even though you missed, that first blow separated this guy's shoulder. You didn't kill him, but you definitely incapacitated him. The blows to the head . . . Oh yeah, we've got bleeding into the brain.
GEOFF: Dude, he's got brains falling out of his head.
DORIAN: Yeah. This is major head trauma. Fractured skull, we've got bone pushing into the brain. This is a kill shot. No question.
(Dorian checks on Lilly's torso)
DORIAN: The head shot with the base of the stand caused some trauma. There are some lacerations. You likely gave him a concussion. The torso . . . well, your shot to the chest with the base of the microphone was only hard enough to cause some bruising. The stabbing attacks? The tip of the microphone didn't penetrate very far into the body. Two of your thrusts missed any vital organs. The third one came close to the lower left lung, but didn't hit it. All the stabs are superficial. You can stop the bleeding with just simple pressure to the wound. This guy is having a bad day, but he's not dead. In fact, if he came into my ER, he could wait a couple hours to be treated and his life still wouldn't be in danger.
GEOFF: It's not even close. The guitar scrambled that guy's brains, the mike stand gave the other guy a bad headache and some pinpricks.
MAX: No doubt, the guitar wins. Peter Townsend would be proud.
NARRATOR: The edge in mid-range weapons goes to Joe Jonas' electric guitar.
NICK: No duh the guitar's better than a mike stand, especially since Lilly swung it like a girl.
LILLY: Hello, I am a girl. And quite honestly, you swung that guitar like a girl.
NICK: Did not.
LILLY: Did too.
NICK: Nuh-uh.
LILLY: Yah-huh.
GEOFF: You know, we gave the edge to Jonas with the guitar, but on trash-talking, it's even between these two. They both suck.
NARRATOR: Next up, accessories. For Hannah Montana, it's her press-on nails. For Joe Jonas, it's his school tie.
LILLY: These are the exact same press-on nails Hannah likes to wear at her concerts. See? They're a really pretty rose red, and they're really sharp. Like a tiger or a lion, you know? Rawr!
GEOFF (rolls his eyes): Yeah, you sounded real scary there, Lil.
(Lilly glowers at Geoff)
NICK: This is the tie that Joe and me have to wear when we go to school, because it's, like, this private school and they have dress codes and stuff. And you can, like, us it to blindfold people or choke people, you know?
GEOFF: Lilly, Nick. Are you ready?
(Lilly and Nick answer affirmatively as they stand next to their gel torsos)
GEOFF: Three . . . two . . . one. Go!
(Lilly flattens her hand and rams it into the gel torso's throat. She rears back and strikes again and again. Blood pours from the huge gash. Geoff and Max cheer as Lilly digs her nails deeper into the throat, then snaps her hand to the right. The throat rips wide open, gushing blood. Geoff and Max shout their approval. Nick moves around his gel torso, wraps the tie around its neck and pulls back. A couple minutes later he lets go)
(Dorian examines Lilly's gel torso)
DORIAN: Not only are these nails razor sharp, they're long and can cut deep. Look at this. The jugular is severed, windpipe cut in two. There's no way for him to breathe, he's losing blood non-stop. I give him barely a minute, tops, before he's dead.
(Dorian examines Nick's gel torso)
DORIAN: This is going to result in bruising around the neck, compressed trachea. The problem with strangulation as opposed to the nails, it'll take longer for this victim to die, plus he or she is going to struggle, and there's a chance they could nail their attacker with an elbow to the gut or stomp on his foot. Plus the attacker has to take off his tie, which will take time, while with the press-on nails, they're ready for use in a second.
GEOFF: Yeah, this is no contest here. Press-on nails are deadlier, and way more nasty, than a tie.
NARRATOR: For accessories, the edge goes to Hannah Montana's press-on nails.
LILLY: What did I tell you? Press-on nails rule. Just like a cat's claws. Meow!
GEOFF: It should be "roar," not "meow." "Meow" isn't intimidating at all. Then again, neither was your "roar."
(Lilly again scowls at Geoff)
NARRATOR: Lastly, special weapons. For Hannah Montana, it's her perfume line, "Essence of Hannah." For Joe Jonas, it's his line of cologne, "Ol' Jonas."
GEOFF: I wouldn't consider either of these weapons lethal. Well, maybe if you ingest them. But it's not like we're talking about cyanide here. You'd have plenty of time to get to a hospital and be treated. These would be used more for distracting an opponent rather than killing them.
LISA (holding a bottle of "Essence of Hannah"): Here we are, boys. "Essence of Hannah," a scent akin to vanilla and spring flowers in a meadow.
MAX: Oooh-kaaay. Well, how about give us a spritz and let's see what it does?
(Lisa taps the sprayer a couple times. Geoff, Max and Dorian sniff the air, and bob their heads back and forth in contemplation.)
GEOFF: It smells nice. It'd probably sting if it got in your eyes. It would definitely give you the opportunity to get in there and finish off your opponent while he's blind.
NARRATOR: Next, Andy Morales will test out "Ol' Jonas" cologne.
ANDY: With this cologne and Joe's music, he's irresistible to women all over the world . . . or at least, girls who are still in middle school.
GEOFF: Well c'mon, man. Give us a whiff.
(Andy pours some of the cologne onto a table. Geoff, Max and Dorian lean in and . . .)
MAX: Cough! Cough! Oh my God! Hack!
DORIAN: Hack! Eck! Argh! My nostrils are burning!
GEOFF: Cough! Cough! I can't breathe!
LISA (turns to Nick while waving a hand in front of her scrunched up face): Cough! Cough! This stuff gets your brother girls?
NICK: Well, maybe it's a little strong.
GEOFF: A little strong? Cough! Cough! Man, tear gas isn't this strong. Cough! Cough!
NARRATOR: It takes over a half-an-hour to air out the Fight Club and rid it of the horrible stench of "Ol' Jonas."
GEOFF: A spritz from "Essence of Hannah" in the eyes will blind you for a bit. But "Ol' Jonas?" We're talking chemical warfare here. Not just burning eyes, but burning throat, burning nostrils, it's hard to breathe. You get a whiff of it, you'll barely be able to stand, much less fight. It's that overwhelming. No question in my mind, "Ol' Jonas" is bad news for anyone on the receiving end of it.
NARRATOR: For special weapons, the edge goes to Joe Jonas and his cologne, "Ol' Jonas."
The results have been tallied. Coming up, the music world explodes in violence. Hannah Montana. Joe Jonas. Who is . . . The Deadliest Pop Star!
NEXT: HANNAH MONTANA VS. JOE JONAS . . . TO THE DEATH