The Right Thing

by EGB Fan

Still unhappy with his daughter's choice of boyfriend, Peter accompanies Roland to New Jersey in order to meet with an old antagonist who might now be able to help. Following on from previous stories.

1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Ghostbusters and Extreme Ghostbusters © Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Fil Barlow. All original characters that appear in this story are creations of the author.

Content warning: A lot of swearing, by one character in particular.

Extreme Ghostbusters: The Right Thing

Part 1

Sunday, April 13th 2008

New Jersey

Roland Jackson felt uncomfortable. He was in a seaside café; his boss was watching his back through the window, and his - what to call her? - breakfast companion, Celine Beck, was watching him over her cappuccino. Neither of them had said anything for the better part of five minutes. Then, finally, Celine spoke.

"What's the best thing that could happen to you?"

"What?" said Roland.

"You heard."

"Oh, well…" He had to be honest. This was not a woman he wanted to upset. "Kids."

She raised her eyebrows. "Kids? Really? Never mind who with?"

"No, no…"

"Okay," said Celine, "so if I took you back to my apartment right now, and asked you to impregnate me, you wouldn't do it?"

Roland stared at her across the table.

She smiled. "Don't worry, I won't."

"Celine…"

"Yeah, I know, you want me to tell you about Oz." She looked over his shoulder, to where Peter Venkman was sitting outside, and her enigmatic smile fell into a very readable frown. "Why is he looking at me like that?"

"Because he wants this information more than I do."

"Fathers are just the worst invention ever." Then suddenly her eyes snapped back to Roland, her smile returned and she said, "Well, not all of them. Not you."

"I'm not a father."

"Actually I think I might be ovulating."

Roland started choking on his baguette. "Celine, please!"

"Aww, you're so funny."

"Celine, I came all the way down here…"

"All right, all right." She put down her coffee, leaned back in her chair and spent a long time looking at him some more. Then at last, she went on talking. "I told you over the phone that I had to explain a few things to you about Oz, didn't I? I want you to understand why he… Look, there was no malice intended, Roland. He just… doesn't have much in the way of a conscience."

"What did he do?" Roland asked sharply.

"Wait. Listen. Oz is my friend. If you get to know him, it's possible to penetrate his emotions - I really believe that. Deep down, he's a nice guy. But if he doesn't know you and like you, he just doesn't care. If he did something to hurt a total stranger, it just wouldn't register - and that's not his fault."

"Why on earth not?"

"Just shut up and fucking listen, Roland! He told me about his upbringing, and it sounds kinda shitty. His mother died giving birth to him, and his father was this sick twisted evil sadistic insane warlock. He taught Oz magic. But Oz isn't evil. I mean, he returned that doll to Fuck Face and Miss Wet Dream's brats - that was nice of him, wasn't it?"

"If this is all true…" said Roland.

"Of course it's fucking true!"

"If this is all true, it sounds to me like he's crazy."

"He is crazy. And when people are crazy it's not their fault, is it?"

"Celine," said Roland, "I came here for information on my boss's daughter's boyfriend, and you're telling me he's unhinged. What would you like me to say?"

"I want you to promise me that you won't go in all guns blazing. The guy's emotionally dead, more or less, and he can't help it. Can you understand that?"

"No," said Roland, "I can't."

"Then I'm not telling you," said Celine.

"O, look… is it that bad?"

"You'll think it is. Look… your boss out there already knows Oz used his daughter's old doll to try and learn stuff about her, right? That's the worst thing he did to this girl. But there's a couple of people who got caught up in that."

"Who?"

"Can't you guess?"

Roland thought for a moment. Then suddenly it struck him, and he said despairingly, "Oh, God. Is it something to do with what you and Wanda did to Ky and Eddie?"

Celine scowled. "We never did anything to her."

"You threatened her marriage."

"Yeah, well… that wasn't my idea. I thought it was about Bess - I didn't know Wanda was just trying to get him out of the picture so she could fuck his - "

"Celine, why do you swear so much? Is it really necessary?"

"You'll make an infuriating father someday," said Celine. "Oh, fuck it, all right - I decided to do the right thing, so I might as well stick to it. Oz knew what we were doing to that piece of shit you call a friend. When we moved into his house we asked if it was okay if we did magic in our room, and when he asked us what kind of magic, Wanda told him. She told him all the horrible things she wanted to do, and he never even batted an eye. All the time he was pursuing that girl, for whatever reason… he knew."

Roland knew all the history. His friend, Eduardo Rivera, had got his girlfriend pregnant ten years ago and then broken up with her before either of them knew about it. She had then had an abortion, and even though he saw her nine years after that and learned she had been pregnant, he was unsure whether the baby was his until a demon killed her as a direct result of her keeping such a big secret.

That girlfriend happened to be Bess Napier, the best friend of Wanda Kazinsky. Celine had been travelling at the time, and not as close to either Wanda or Celine as she had been at college, but she had gone running back to Wanda after she learnt of Bess's death. The two old friends had then started sleeping together, even though Wanda was desperately in lust with Kylie Griffin, whom Eduardo happened to have had two daughters with and married in the intervening years. If it hadn't been for that, just maybe he would have been safe from Wanda - but as it was, she and Celine had dished out a pretty decent amount of revenge for what had happened to Bess.

"Is that it?" asked Roland, in response to Celine's revelation about Oz.

Oz was another complication. He was an eighteen-year-old warlock who had been seeing Peter Venkman's fifteen-year-old daughter, Jessica. Somehow he owned a house, and had been landlord to Celine and Wanda for a while. He was generally a very suspicious character, and by this time Peter was desperate to know what he was up to.

"No," said Celine. "Did he tell you where he got the doll?"

The doll was yet another piece of this complicated puzzle, and it was a part that no one fully understood. It was a horrible, old, brown-haired, Barbie-sized thing called Sindy. It had originally been a gift to Jessica, from her mother's ex-husband's second wife, but she had donated all of her dolls to Eduardo and Kylie's daughters as soon as she could.

"He said Wanda stole it from the Riveras and gave it to him," said Roland.

"That's right, she did. But you know Wanda - she doesn't do little acts of kindness. She had a price. Now, I know you know we had that earring, because you saw it."

The earring. That was Eduardo's. "You mean Oz… sold Eduardo to you?"

"It wasn't anything against him," said Celine. "Not on Oz's part. I know it's bad that he was prepared to let us do horrible things to a guy he didn't know or care about, but… well, I've told you about that."

"And that's the worst thing he did?" asked Roland. "Giving you the earring?"

"Yeah. Isn't that bad enough for you?"

"Of course, it's terrible. But there's no point getting mad about it here. It sounds like you weren't even involved in the deal. But isn't there anything else you can tell me? He" - he gestured towards Peter again - "wants to know how his daughter fits into all of this."

"I honestly don't know," said Celine. "Why do you think Oz might be interested in her?"

"Sex," Roland said at once.

She smiled wryly. "That's not it."

"What? How do you know?"

"He has no sex drive."

"Oh Celine, come on!"

"It's true," she said, looking suddenly amused by the whole thing. "He was always honest with me. He can be dishonest, in that he conceals things… just doesn't bother telling you stuff… but I've never known him to tell an outright lie."

"But this is terrible!" said Roland. "What does he want with her, if it's not that?"

"Well, I'd ask him for you," said Celine, "but I don't think he'll tell me now. He knows I was thinking of telling you about the earring, so he won't give me anything else."

"Did you tell him that?"

"Of course I did. I told you - we're honest with each other."

"That's insane. You want to stay friends with him, but you're betraying him."

"Haven't you been fucking listening?" Celine said, scowling at him. "Oz doesn't work like that. He doesn't care about you people, or what you think, or if you know about what he's done. But I think he cares about me, and the strain on my conscience."

"Let me ask you something," said Roland. "Why is it such a strain on your conscience? Not because of Eduardo - you obviously still hate him."

"Duh." She rolled her eyes. "Because of you."

"Celine, this really doesn't have anything to do with me."

"Except he's your friend. I wasn't just keeping this stuff from him and Kylie and that guy, your boss - I was keeping it from you."

"I wish you'd try to forgive him. It wasn't all his fault, you know… what happened."

"I know that."

Roland raised his eyebrows. "You do?"

Celine sighed heavily. "Look… it's complicated, okay?"

"Okay, fine. Whatever you think about Eduardo, it's between you and him. But if you really can see he's not entirely to blame… maybe you could even forgive him."

"Yeah? What if I did?" She dropped her eyes, and fixed him with a coquettish smile.

"Celine, come on - you can't bargain with feelings." Roland was surprised to find that he was smiling a little too. He knew she wasn't being serious.

"Yeah, you're right. I'll love you if you forgive. Doesn't work like that, does it?"

"No," said Roland. "You have to want to forgive him."

.-.-.-.

New York City

One person who was not involved in the whole Oz/Jessica/Celine/Rivera fiasco was Garrett Miller. He was spending his Sunday working overtime at the firehouse, as he needed a bit of extra money to pay for some organised sports activities for his son when the summer months came around. Garrett and his wife Jo had adopted Max when he was two, now almost two years ago, and had quickly learnt that if they didn't send him somewhere to do something during school holidays, they might die of exhaustion.

Garrett was on his own at the reception desk, sorting through some filing that nobody else wanted to do. Two of his bosses, Egon Spengler and Ray Stantz, were upstairs at that very moment doing something that had to be more interesting than filing. But Garrett kept himself going by thinking of all the hours of rest he was going to get in the summer, while Max ran some poor inexperienced kids' sports coach ragged.

Then suddenly Dana Venkman showed up, asking anxiously, "Is Jessica here?"

"She was here a couple of hours ago," said Garrett, thankful at least that Max was never going to be a teenage girl.

"She's supposed to be grounded."

"Oh. Well, to be honest with you, Dana, I think she just needed to blow off some steam."

"Why?" said Dana. "Where is she now?"

"She's blowing off some steam."

"What do you -?"

But she didn't need to go on. The front door flew open and Max Miller bounded into the room like a puppy on speed, and some distance behind him was Jessica, staggering like a zombie and carrying about six different types of ball.

"Hey," Garrett said brightly. "Did you have a good time?"

"He's trying to kill me," said Jessica, collapsing into the nearest chair. Moments later Slimer, the Ghostbusters' pet ghost, appeared as if from nowhere and made a beeline for Jessica. But she ducked out of his way, and said, "Try it and see what happens."

"I'm hungry," said Max, much to Slimer's delight.

"Me too," said Jessica. "Why don't you run upstairs and get us a snack?"

Max turned and ran, just as he had been instructed, and was out of sight in seconds with Slimer following close behind him.

"You're supposed to be grounded," said Dana.

"God, Mom, you're so fickle," said Jessica. "When you thought I might be about to get eaten by a giant cat demon, you were all like, I'm sorry I'm such an old grouch - let's sit down and talk it out. And now I'm grounded again."

"That's because you missed your curfew last night."

"I was only with Ant and Josh and everyone."

"Well…" This seemed to stagger her. "How was I supposed to know that? Normally when you miss your curfew it's because you're with that boy - excuse me - that man."

"Who, Oz?" Jessica wrinkled her nose. "Mom, I dumped him yesterday."

"What? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Didn't I?"

Soon after that Max returned carrying a jar that was almost as big as he was, and filled with chocolate chip cookies. Bits of him were dripping with green slime, but Slimer was no longer with him; he had probably lost a fight over the cookies, and then decided to stay in the kitchen where he could have his pick.

"Good one, Max!" said Jessica, beckoning him over.

Max waited while she took what she wanted from the cookie jar, and then he offered it to Dana, asking sweetly, "Do you wanna cookie, Dana?"

"No thank you, honey. Why did you dump him?"

"Tchuh," said Jessica, spraying cookie crumbs. "Not because you wanted me to."

"So why sneak out this morning," said Dana, "if it's not to see Oz?"

"Mom, come on, credit me with some self-respect," said Jessica. "We don't all spend our lives running around after guys. I sneaked out because don't you think it's a bad idea, you and me cooped up in the house all alone together? Ow!"

She was cut off when a basketball suddenly hit her in the face.

"Sorry!" said Max, not sounding sorry at all. "Let's play basketball."

"Max, please, I'm dying here," said Jessica. "Where's Slimer gotten to? Can't you two just, like, chase each other around for a while?"

"Or we could play soccer." He knew she liked soccer - she played it at school.

"I bet you can't run all the way up to the roof and back before I count to a hundred."

"I bet I can!"

"Yeah, we'll see. One… two…"

Max turned and ran as though his life depended on it. It was a three-storey firehouse; if this didn't tire him out, there had to be something wrong with him.

"How come," said Jessica, "you have to know where I am every minute of the day, but I'm not allowed to know where Dad's disappeared to?"

"Because you're fifteen," said Dana, "and he's a grown man."

"I don't know what you think I'm going to do."

"I do," muttered Garrett.

"I'm worried you're going to get yourself raped, or murdered, or both," said Dana.

"You never worried about Oscar getting raped and murdered."

"Yes I did."

"You always let Oscar do whatever the hell he wanted."

"No I didn't!"

Jessica probably could have argued all day, but she was interrupted by her cell phone announcing an incoming text message. She took the phone out of her pocket, looked at the display screen and made a face.

"Who's that?" Dana asked sharply.

"None of your business," said Jessica. "Oh, Max, jeez, you know what? I lost count, you're gonna have to do it again."

Max didn't mind at all. He turned right round and set off again, not showing even the smallest sign of tiring.

"Yeah, well, maybe I'll just confiscate your cell phone," said Dana.

Jessica's expression darkened immediately. "If you confiscate my cell phone, I'll have sex with Cameron!"

"If you have sex with Cameron, I'll send you to live with your grandparents."

This was getting too much for Garrett. He made an unsubtle coughing noise, and Dana and Jessica both looked at him awkwardly.

"I have an idea," said Garrett. "Why doesn't Dana go home, and Jess can stay here and keep Max busy."

"You're trying to kill me too!" said Jessica.

Moments later Max came pelting down the stairs again, and looked expectantly at Jessica.

"I got to a hundred ages ago," she said.

"No way!" said Max. "You must have counted wrong!"

"I don't think so."

"Let's do it again."

"Okay."

This time Jessica kept on counting, as Dana decided to leave and therefore was no longer around to argue with. Max returned when Jessica was somewhere in the fifties, which surprised her a great deal. Then he wanted her to kick a ball around with him.

"We've been doing that all morning," said Jessica. "Don't you ever just sit on your ass and watch TV like a normal kid?"

"Max," said Garrett, "could you run upstairs and give this message to Ray?" and he handed Max a Post-It that said, "Please keep Max busy for half an hour."

"I am so never having kids," Jessica said wearily. "When they're his age they make you play basketball with them until you die, and when they get to my age you just argue with them the whole time. Besides, it turns you into your mother. If I ever end up like her…"

"So who was that text message from?" asked Garrett.

"Oz."

"Ah."

"I think he wants me back."

"Already, huh?"

"He's got that person who's in love with you living with him now, hasn't he?"

"Er, yeah," said Garrett.

"Why don't you give her Max to look after? I bet she would, if she loves you so much."

"Oh, I don't think so - I think she sort of resents him."

"That's terrible. What a bitch. Max is a great kid, and it's not his fault you're married."

"Mmm, I know."

"Hey," said Jessica, "do you know where my dad is? I'm sure it's got something to do with me, because otherwise why would they be so secretive?"

"I think they should tell you where he's gone," said Garrett. "But I can't - sorry."

"So why don't they? Is it something that's going to make me angry?"

"Jessica, it seems to me that everything makes you angry these days. Look, you're sitting there nursing that cell phone - why don't you call him?"

.-.-.-.

New Jersey

After they had settled the bill and Celine had left, Roland went to join Peter outside the café. It was a nice day for it, and the view of the beach was very pleasant. It was a shame that the same could not be said for the subject matter of their impending conversation.

Peter began it by asking, "Does she have the hots for you or something?"

"Oh," said Roland. "Was it obvious?"

"I thought she was a lesbian."

"Why did you think she was a lesbian? We never told you about… Why did you think she was a lesbian?"

"Because," said Peter, "she looks like a lesbian."

Roland's raised eyebrows dropped into a scowl. "Why? Because she has short hair which she happens to dye purple, and more than one ring in each ear?"

"Well, yeah."

"You shouldn't think in stereotypes, Dr. Venkman."

"And she doesn't look like your type either."

"Oh?" said Roland. "And my type is…?"

"Well… Grace. Look," Peter said hastily, not used to offending his most mild-mannered employee, "let's talk about Oz. What did you find out? I still don't get why she made me wait for you out - "

"Look, don't get too excited. What she told me, I couldn't relate to Jessica's relationship with Oz at all. But she did tell me something Jess should probably know about," and Roland proceeded to tell Peter what he had learnt. He had to fill in a few background details as well; Peter did not know the full story.

"Wow," said Peter. "And there was I thinking that being chained to a wall by a couple of lesbians was a good thing."

"I didn't say they were - "

"So what do we do - do we tell Eddie?"

"Well," said Roland, "I think we probably should. He has a right to know."

"Yeah, but then what will he do with it? Go over to Oz's place and punch him in the face? Sounds like Oz could really make him regret that."

"Yeah, well… I don't know. But we have to tell him. Oz lends books to his little girl."

Peter's cell phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket, saying, "I hope that's our lawyer." The Ghostbusters were currently being sued by a recently widowed woman named Mrs. Green. "I know it's a Sunday, but he said - oh shit, it's Jess! What do I do?"

"Answer it," said Roland.

"Oh, yeah, right." Peter answered the phone, and said brightly, "Hi, honey."

"Dad, where are you?" said Jessica.

"New Jersey."

"Okay, why?"

"Actually I'm about to come home," said Peter. "And then I'll tell you. I've, um… found something out about Oz."

"You went to New Jersey first thing in the morning to dig up dirt about Oz?" she inferred. "Well, you'll have to tell me how that works - but FYI, Dad, I dumped him yesterday."

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, well… you'll probably wanna hear this anyway. I'll see you later, honey. Of course," he said, as he hung up, "the problem with Grace is that she has a daughter."

"Natalie's a great kid," said Roland.

"Now she is," said Peter. "She's… how old?"

"Eight."

"There you go. When Jess was eight, all she wanted to do was kick a ball around - it was great. But just you wait until Natalie's a teenager."

"Not all teenage girls are the same, Dr. Venkman," said Roland. "Just like not all lesbians are the same."

"You wanna bet?" said Peter. "If I were you, my friend, I'd seriously consider dumping Grace and Natalie, getting with the sexed up lesbian and trying to only have boys."

.-.-.-.

New York City

Kylie Griffin was in her apartment, reading her two daughters a sentimentally charged Victorian children's story about little girls so spirited and independent that they aspired to work for their living before they got married. The older daughter, Conchita, was listening with undisguised enjoyment while the younger, Rose, sat impassively taking it all in. She didn't offer an opinion, but Kylie knew that she must be enjoying the story, or she wouldn't be listening to it.

The phone rang. Eduardo Rivera appeared in order to answer it, said a few words and then disappeared into the kitchen, still holding the phone. Kylie kept one eye on the book and one on the doorway until he reappeared there, and beckoned her in.

"Chita, can you take over a minute?" said Kylie, handing Conchita the book.

"Of course I can," she said confidently, so Kylie went through to the small kitchen.

"That was Roland," Eduardo told her.

"Right," said Kylie. "And…?"

"He just told me something."

Kylie waited. She was about to prompt him, but then he went on speaking.

"He and Peter went to see Celine."

"They went to see Celine?" said Kylie, her eyes widening. The last time she had seen Celine was in Oz Ignacio's basement, where Wanda had manacled Eduardo to the wall and Celine had happened to stumble across the situation. Kylie knew at the back of her mind that Celine hadn't been involved in that particular part of their revenge, and had even saved Eduardo from losing a very important body part, if not his life. But, with everything else Celine had done with Wanda, it was easy to forget that.

"To find out what she knows about Oz," said Eduardo. "You know, so Peter can give Jess a reason to dump him."

"And…?"

It was very slow, but eventually Eduardo was able to tell her the important part: Oz had absconded with his earring on the evening they met at the firehouse, and given it to Celine and Wanda in exchange for Jessica's old doll.

"I'm gonna kill him," said Kylie, heading for the door with only her anger and her hundred and ten-pound frame as weapons.

"Don't," said Eduardo, holding onto her elbow.

"Give me one good reason why not!"

"He's a warlock, Kylie, and he's obviously evil. What do you think he'll do to you?"

Kylie stopped, and then turned back to face him. "So what are you gonna do?"

"Oh God, I don't know. I know what I'd like to do."

"Yeah, me too."

"Well," said Eduardo, glancing through the doorway at Conchita and Rose, "he can have his books back, for a start."

"Oh, hey, wait," said Kylie, taking her turn to do some elbow-grabbing as he made a beeline for the two children. "They're right in the middle of reading that one."

"I'll get them another copy on the way home. I just… I can't stand them sitting there with their hands all over his stuff! Oh, God - he could be using it for something."

"Something like what?"

"Like what he used Jess's doll for - only, you know, by giving them something of his."

"Why would he want to -?"

"Because there's obviously something wrong with him! I mean, hell, he likes Chita - have you seen the way he talks to - I have to take that book off them."

He went, and Kylie stayed in the kitchen feeling a little sick. She knew that Conchita would hand over the book without question, trusting that her father had a good reason, but Rose was going to demand an explanation - and sure enough, Kylie soon heard her voicing her disapproval.

But Eduardo took the book, gathered up the other three that Oz had lent them, and then rejoined Kylie in the kitchen.

"I should have asked him for the rest," he said.

"Asked who for the rest of what?"

"Roland, for the rest of what she told him. That… that can't be all."

"Why not? They wanted the earring and he wanted the doll."

"He knew what they wanted to do with it."

"Well," Kylie said helplessly, "maybe we should just sit tight until Roland gets back, and then find out what else he has to say."

Eduardo shook his head firmly. "I just really need to get these books out of here."

He steadied his grip on the four paperbacks and then made for the living room doorway, where suddenly Conchita was blocking his path.

"What's going on?" she asked.

Eduardo didn't answer for a moment. Then he said, "We just found out Oz is evil."

Conchita looked scandalised. "No he isn't!"

"Yes he is. And so are his books. I'm taking them back to him, and you're not going to borrow any more, ever, and you are never going to see him or talk to him again. Okay?"

"No!" said Conchita. "I mean… why not? What's he done?"

"It's complicated," Eduardo said wearily. Then he stooped and kissed her forehead, which he had done many times before, but this time she felt a horrible sense of doom about it - almost as though he was scared of something happening to her, or to him.

Her feeling of dread only worsened when Eduardo began to walk off, stopping only briefly when Kylie called after him, "Don't do anything stupid!"

"Mom!" Conchita said desperately. "What is going on?"

Kylie shook her head despairingly, and said, "I'm not sure yet, honey."

.-.-.-.

Eduardo would later describe his experiences at Oz's house as "really weird", when he went home and Kylie started grilling him about it. He didn't know what he had expected to happen, but it certainly wasn't what did happen. First Stephie - or Persephonethius, a former client of the Ghostbusters who had fallen in love with Garrett ten and a half years earlier - answered the door to him, which threw him a little bit. He had expected Oz.

"Oh - hi, Eduardo," she said dully. "How are you?"

"Um, okay," Eduardo replied, because that was the answer one is supposed to give when another person casually asks that question. However, Stephie apparently did not know this, and Eduardo was short-sighted enough to ask, "How are you?"

"Terrible," said Stephie. "I suppose Garrett's moved his wife and son back into his apartment, hasn't he?"

Until only the day before, Stephie had been living with Garrett, and she had driven his wife Jo so crazy that she'd taken Max and their dog and gone to stay with her parents.

"Yeah," said Eduardo.

"This is horrible! Have you ever been in love with someone who didn't love you back?"

"Um…"

"Well, there was Kylie, wasn't there? But you're together now - that's encouraging. It means Garrett and I can probably get there too."

"Stephie, I don't think - "

"I just… I wish he'd stop loving her! So anyway, what's with the books?"

"Huh?" Eduardo looked down at the paperbacks in his hands. He had almost forgotten they were there. "Oh. These belong to Oz."

"And you're returning them, right, I see. You'd better come in. He's in the kitchen. We've been sitting in there, trying to comfort one another in our heartbreak and misery."

Eduardo had only to remember what Oz had done in order to resume being mad at him, after being distracted by Stephie's ramblings, but he had no idea what he was going to do about it. He would have liked to hit him, but he thought that would be very unwise.

Oz was not at all as Eduardo had expected to find him. He was sitting catatonically at the table, staring at a cell phone directly in front of him. Stephie opened her mouth to announce the visitor, but then suddenly Oz sat back in his chair and said, "This is ridiculous! If I get a text message, the phone will beep. Staring at it isn't going to help."

"Oz, you're supposed to be acting this way," said Stephie. "You're heartbroken."

Oz turned his head sharply and scowled at her. "I am not heartbroken. Oh." He noticed Eduardo, and his expression changed to his usual polite indifference. "Hello."

"I brought your books back," said Eduardo, wishing he knew what else to say.

"Finished already?"

He dumped the books on the table. "No."

"Eduardo, tell me something. What can I do to make Jessica want to come back to me?"

"Nothing," Eduardo said at once. "Look… it all fits together now. I know what you did, and if Jess hasn't found out by tomorrow, she soon will."

Oz stared at him blankly. "What did I do?"

Eduardo could hardly believe it. "You sold me to Wanda and Celine!"

"Oh, that." He returned his gaze to his cell phone. "Damn." He picked the phone up, dialled and waited. Then finally he said, "Jessica, if you haven't already, you're going to find out about something I did that you probably won't like. I would very much like to talk to you about it. Please call me back." Then he hung up, and was silent.

"Is that it?" Eduardo said incredulously. "Aren't you sorry?"

"Not particularly," said Oz.

"You really are crazy, aren't you?"

"So I'm told."

"Look," said Eduardo, "please don't call her again. Just stay away from her, and stay away from me, and stay away from my family. No more books, okay?"

"No more books?" Oz stared at him, and the look in his eyes showed that Eduardo's words finally seemed to have struck a chord. "Your little girl loves the books I lend her."

"If you go near her again, I'll - "

"There is nothing you can do to me. Any of you."

"I mean it. Stay away from her."

"And how does she feel about that?"

"She'll be fine with it," said Eduardo, "once I tell her you were responsible for that brief period when her parents' marriage was in danger."

"Well," said Oz, "that's hardly fair. Wanda and Celine did all the donkey work. I guess Celine betrayed me, then. Oh well, I don't suppose I can really blame her for that. What am I to her, compared to him? People will do anything for love, won't they?"

"Love?" said Eduardo.

"I'll stay away from Conchita," said Oz, "if you can really make her stop liking me."

"What the hell is your interest in her, anyway?"

"I'm not interested in her. I like her. She is the most unobjectionable child I have ever met. She's a real-life metaphor for goodness and innocence. I am interested," he said, looking once again at his cell phone, "in Jessica."

By this time, Eduardo had lost all desire to punch Oz's lights out. He was now more worried about this lunatic "liking" his precious daughter than he was about something that had been over and done with for months. And he was also concerned for Jessica.

"I gotta go," said Eduardo.

"Come round any time," said Oz, "if you change your mind about the books."

Eduardo left, and called Peter's cell phone as soon as he was out of the door. While he was waiting for an answer, it occurred to him that he should probably be freaked out by returning to this house; it was, after all, the very house in which Wanda had chained him to the wall and threatened to torture and kill him. But he had only really seen the basement back then, and the rest of it looked very different in the daylight.

"Are you at home?" asked Eduardo, once Peter had answered his phone.

"I'm still on my way back with Roland," said Peter. "We're almost there."

"So I guess he told you about all that stuff with, with me and… everything."

"Er, yeah, sorry."

"Never mind," said Eduardo, though he was annoyed, because he had wanted to keep his own business his own business, and had been deliberately avoiding telling his bosses about all that. "Look, you need to talk to your daughter. Oz has been trying to call her."

"Well," said Peter, "she dumped him."

"I know. But that doesn't mean she won't talk to him, and she's gonna be curious as hell about why he did that whole thing with my earring. If I were you, I'd try to find some subtle way of warning her off seeing him."

"Yeah, well, maybe," Peter said churlishly. Of course, Eduardo realised, no one liked being told how to handle their own children. "Thanks for the heads-up."

.-.-.-.

Jessica was reading a magazine on the couch when Peter came home, and she didn't even look up. He quite wanted to sit with her, but somehow she was all arms and legs and they were spread over every available bit of space, so he went to the nearest armchair and said, "Honey, you're going to have to listen to me."

"I dumped him, remember?" she said.

"Yeah," said Peter, wondering if he really did need to tell her after all. She had dumped Oz, which clearly meant she was no longer interested in him. Now, Peter didn't need to give her a reason to hate him. If she found out now about what Oz had done to get her doll, that would only be something new to rekindle her interest. Sure, she wouldn't like it, but any interest - positive or negative - would be more dangerous than indifference.

"I guess it doesn't matter, then," said Peter.

At that, she looked up. So maybe she was just playing games. Whatever he said, she wanted the opposite. She was a teenager - it was to be expected.

"So," she said, "I guess you had a wasted journey."

"I guess I did," said Peter.

"You've got better things to do, Dad. You're being sued," and she hid behind her magazine once again.

"I know," he said. "But I don't care about money as much as I care about you."

"Are you trying to make me throw up or something?"

"I worry about you," he said. "I wanted to figure out Oz's interest in you, but I couldn't."

Jessica lowered her magazine, and said scornfully, "I know his interest in me."

Peter started, and sat up abruptly. "You do?"

"Yeah, I asked him. He doesn't want to sleep with me - "

"How the hell do you know that?"

"We talked about it, okay? But I'm too young, obviously." He sensed that she was choosing her words carefully, though she did her best to hide it. "And he agreed. So I asked him what it was about, if it wasn't that. And he told me."

"Well?" said Peter, after a short interval. "Are you going to tell me?"

"He said he liked me once he got to know me," said Jessica. "But the reason he first noticed me was because he thinks I'm, like, a paranormal magnet or something. He found me interesting because he's a warlock."

"He found you interesting because he's a warlock? Jesus, that doesn't sound good."

"Dad, come on. What's he gonna do?"

"He's evil, Jess."

She laughed. "Yeah, right."

"I'm serious."

"What did he do?"

"I thought you weren't interested."

"Well," said Jessica, "I know about that whole stupid thing with the doll, and if he didn't do anything else to me… I guess I'm not interested."

"What does he mean by paranormal magnet?" Peter asked suddenly, taking in this scrap of information only when he was more or less satisfied that she wouldn't go back to Oz any time soon. Now he need only worry about him coming to her.

"Those weren't his words," said Jessica, "but he said I attract the paranormal. He doesn't know about Will and Cameron" - her last two boyfriends, a vampire and a cambion - "but he gave Slimer as an example."

"Slimer likes me as much as he likes you. Maybe more."

"I said that. He said maybe it's genetic."

"Yeah… interesting. Your mom had all that stuff happen to her as well."

"What, Zuul and Vigo and shit?" said Jessica, wrinkling her nose as though the two past attacks on her mother were as trivial as if they had only happened in the two Ghostbusters movies. "That wasn't anything to do with her - they were just coincidences. One was because of where she lived, and the other was because of where she worked. I wasn't going to get into it with Oz. And I don't believe it anyway, what he said."

"All the same," said Peter, Eduardo's advice still fresh in his mind, "it worries me. He believes it, and he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd let something like that go."

"Dad, come on, what's he going to do to me?"

"He's a warlock, Jessica."

"He's a benevolent warlock."

Peter almost argued the point, but then decided against it. He had already told her once that Oz was "evil", and that had made her want to know what he had done. She seemed to have moved on from that now, but Peter knew that if he kept insisting upon it, he would end up telling her what he had learnt and she would probably want to confront Oz.

"Yeah, well," he said eventually, "just please be careful."

"Sure," said Jessica, most unconvincingly.

Peter was tempted to ask her not to see Oz again, but she had already made that decision independently, meaning that she was far less likely now to change her mind about it than if it became his idea. Jessica, he had to admit, was in danger of getting out of control. Dana hated to "indulge her insolence", as she put it, and Peter could see her point - but he also knew that his girl would never stop straining at a tight leash until it killed her. If he wanted to keep her safe, he had to let her have her way as far as possible. This time, he was just going to have to trust her to stick to her decision and, perhaps, heed his warning.

.-.-.-.

When Roland climbed out of his car outside his girlfriend's house, Natalie Daniels was immediately upon him. She had a baseball bat in one hand, indicating that she had just come from the rowdy game being played all over the street. This was the potential stepdaughter that Peter was so sure would one day be such a worry, and Roland had to admit to himself that she was already a wilful and outspoken child. She had turned eight the previous December - the age that Jessica was when her family had moved to New York, and back then she was often to be found playing baseball with the local kids. It was slightly unnerving to think of these things, but Roland did his best to push them to the back of his mind and put on a smile as Natalie approached.

"Hi, Nat," he said.

"Where have you been?" she demanded.

"New Jersey."

"Have you been cheating on my mom?"

"What?" said Roland, startled.

"There's lipstick on your cheek," said Natalie. Then she added, "It's purple," her tone of voice implying that the lipstick being this particular colour only made it worse.

"Oh." Roland reached up and dragged the back of his right hand across his left cheek. "I wish Dr. Venkman had told me about that. We did go to see a woman, Natalie, and she did kiss me on the cheek - but she's just a friend. She's helping us with a case."

"Well," said Natalie, sounding far from satisfied, "I hope you're not cheating on my mom, because she's taking you out on a date tomorrow night."

"Is she?"

"Yes, because I'm spending the night with Dad and Stephanie."

"And Shane," Roland reminded her of her three-day-old half-brother.

"Yeah," she said dully.

"NATALIE!" suddenly yelled a stocky child with alarmingly big muscles for a boy his age. "You're up to bat!"

Natalie turned round and shouted back, "Excuse me! I am talking to Roland!"

Grace Temple's tight black curls and dark eyes had been strong enough to come out in Natalie, but the child's olive hue was closer to her father's skin tone than her mother's, and she entirely took after him in size and shape. She had his narrow features and, most significantly in this situation, she was small. Again, Roland was reminded of Jessica; she had spent much of her childhood brazenly shouting at boys three times her size.

"I take it your mom's home," he said timidly.

"'Course," said Natalie.

When Roland got to the front door Grace was already there, probably brought out by Natalie's announcement to the whole street that Roland Jackson had arrived.

"I take it we're back to the usual Monday night routine," said Roland, as he was led in.

"Yeah, Spence insisted," said Grace. "It can't be easy with a newborn baby, but I guess Nat's old enough to understand that - and besides, she's still his daughter. How would it seem to her if she wasn't allowed to stay there anymore now that there's a new kid?"

"Well," said Roland, "that would probably just increase her fear of, um…"

"Of what?"

"Did she tell you she was worried about what might happen if you and I had a baby?"

"No," said Grace, looking faintly startled.

"She thinks I wouldn't want her around anymore."

"What about me? Would I still want her?"

"She doesn't think it of you, but the thought of me making her feel unwelcome was enough to worry her. Not that I ever would, of course."

Grace smiled at him. "Of course."

"I think I talked her out of worrying, anyway."

"Good," said Grace. "Wow. She's getting a little ahead of herself there, isn't she?"

"Er, yeah," Roland said sheepishly, unable to help thinking of his earlier conversation with Celine. Grace still didn't seem sure whether or not she wanted more children, whereas Celine had led him to believe that she'd do anything in exchange for his love.

"She does like having you around," Grace went on, at last getting close enough to wrap her arms around his neck. It occurred to Roland that he almost never initiated physical contact. They hadn't slept together yet, and Garrett - who happened to be a good friend of Grace's ex - had led him to believe that it wouldn't happen unless they got married. Roland, therefore, was a little nervous of touching her at all in case it was too much.

"Good," he said. "I like having her around too."

"I think I believe you," Grace said smilingly. "I know she can be a handful."

"I grew up in a house full of kids, remember. She's an angel compared to Tara."

"Unsuitable boyfriends and underage drinking, huh?" said Grace, who had heard a lot of stories about Tara Jackson, now a single mother with no idea of her daughter's paternity. "I can't wait. Ah well, let's not worry about that just yet," and she kissed him for several seconds. Then she said, "I've got something special planned for tomorrow night."

"Oh," said Roland, suddenly sounding a little hoarse. "Great."

"I just hope Spence and Stephanie can cope with Shane and Nat for a whole seventeen hours or so," this being the approximate time between picking Natalie up from school on Monday afternoon, and then taking her back there the next day.

Just as she said this, the unmistakable sound of breaking glass wafted in from outside, and Grace said in panicked tones, "Oh God, I hope that wasn't Natalie! I am so sick of having to spend Spence's child support on broken windows!"

"Maybe he should pay for some of them with his own money," said Roland. "He's the one who got her into sports, isn't he?"

"That," said Grace, "is an excellent point. It's not me she gets her carelessness from."

"Of course," said Roland, "it might not have been her."

Barely had he completed this sentence when Natalie's voice could clearly be heard outside: "I'm really sorry, Mr. Grimes. My mom'll write you a cheque, I promise - now please can we have our ball back?"

"Oh no she won't," muttered Grace, letting go of Roland's neck and making for the telephone. As she dialled, she found her smile again and said in far pleasanter tones, "I'll confirm tomorrow night with him as well. I can't wait."

"Um… me neither," said Roland, with no idea what it was that he couldn't wait for.

.-.-.-.

Monday

Dana left early for work, but Jessica was still there when Peter got up. She was sitting a third of the way up the stairs, holding her cell phone to her ear and not saying anything. Peter thought she was probably listening to a message, as she always did at least half of the talking in any conversation. She seemed not to sense him coming as he descended the stairs. He touched her head when he reached her, and she looked up in surprise.

"Would you like a lift to school?" he asked.

"Sure," she said, standing up and stuffing the phone into her schoolbag, which was hanging from the banister post. "Remember I've got detention tonight."

There was no shame or remorse as she said this. She had skipped a couple of classes the week before, and had detention for three days. It seemed she was getting sicker of school than most kids. Peter knew she'd be looking forward to the summer, but he couldn't help wondering what she was going to do with it. Max Miller's excess energy was to be burnt up as much as possible with organised activities, which was all very well for a child not yet four - but Jessica would be looking elsewhere, and that was worrying.

But it wouldn't be an issue for another couple of months. Peter drove her to school, jokingly threatened to hug her in front of her friends and then went to the firehouse. He found that Egon and Janine Spengler had arrived, but there was nobody else there except for a mysterious visitor who Janine said was waiting for Eduardo in the rec room. When Peter went up and found this visitor on the couch, he could scarcely believe it.

"Holy shit, what are you doing here?" he said. "Doesn't Janine know that Eduardo won't want to see you?"

"She probably would," said Celine, "if I gave her my real name. But I never met her, or Egon, so they don't know me by sight. They're married, aren't they? I can't imagine it's exactly what you might call exciting."

"It's always the quiet ones," said Peter. "Why do you want to see Eduardo?"

"I want to cast a spell on him and send him into the fires of hell."

"Really? Because if that's true, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No," said Celine. "It's no big deal - I just want to talk about Bess."

"Bess?"

"Bess Napier - my dead friend, his ex - surely Roland filled you in on all of this."

"Oh, yeah, right. Hey… Celine, can I ask you something?"

"Knock yourself out."

"It's about Oz," said Peter. "And… my daughter. She said that he said he's interested in her because he thinks she attracts the paranormal. Does that… mean anything?"

"I don't know," said Celine. "That's an interesting prospect. Does she?"

"No."

"Yeah, well… I know what Wanda would do if she ever found someone like that, but Oz isn't like her, so I wouldn't worry too much. Tell you what, I'll look into it for you."

"Oh," said Peter, not feeling exactly reassured. Then his cell phone started blaring out a song by Mood Slime, a so far successful young rock band which happened to be fronted by Peter's stepson. Peter whipped out the phone, looked at the caller display and said, "I have to get this, it's our lawyer - we're being sued."

"Oh, bad luck," said Celine, as Peter answered the call and wandered off to the kitchen.

Moments later, Eduardo turned up. He was alone. When he entered the room and saw Celine, the first thing he did was to clutch at the doorframe and emit a strangled cry.

"Eduardo!" Celine said pleasantly, flashing him a faux smile. "Why, I haven't seen you since you were manacled to Oz's basement wall."

Eduardo took a few moments to catch the breath that had been knocked out of him. Then he said simply, "What are you doing here?"

"Actually," said Celine, "I came to see you."

"Why?"

"Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything to you. I don't know if you remember, but it was actually me who stopped Wanda from depriving you of your manhood."

"Yeah," said Eduardo. "And you probably saved my life too - I remember. You never actually wanted to kill me, did you?"

"Not actually," said Celine. "I wanted to hurt you, though."

"Yeah, well… you did."

"I know. And I'm sorry."

Eduardo just stared at her.

"Sit down," said Celine, patting the couch next to her, but Eduardo didn't move. So she yelled, "JUST SIT ON THE FUCKING COUCH, YOU RETARD!"

Eduardo didn't sit on the couch, but on an armchair, and he kept close to the edge. But this seemed enough to satisfy Celine. Her voice was considerably calmer when she said, "Will I see Kylie later?"

"Maybe," Eduardo said guardedly.

"If I do," said Celine, "I'm going to tell her that I've realised it's not her fault Wanda really wanted her and not me. And I'm going to apologise for punching her in the face - I shouldn't have done that. And I also realise that she made some valid points about Bess."

Celine and Wanda had blamed Eduardo for Bess's death. Kylie blamed Bess for keeping the secret in the first place, and she had made it known that night in Oz's basement.

"Do you mean that?" Eduardo asked suspiciously.

Celine scowled. "Of course I fucking mean it!"

"Well… why do you want to see me?"

"It kind of sounds like I'm going to acknowledge that her death wasn't your fault, doesn't it? Look… you didn't know she was pregnant. That was her call. But what I hate most of all is that it didn't have to happen. You shouldn't have been with her in the first place because you were in love with Kylie."

"Yeah, and that was my call," said Eduardo. "I know that."

"You've already accepted responsibility once before, haven't you?" said Celine. "Once in my presence, anyway - and maybe a few other times too. But I can't stop being mad at you! Why the fuck not?"

"Do you want to stop being mad at me?"

"Don't you want me to?"

"Sure," sad Eduardo, "but if it's what you want… I don't get why."

"Well it's for purely selfish reasons, okay? Being angry all the time isn't good for me."

"Oh. Okay."

They sat in silence for what felt like an age, Eduardo wanting to stand up but not daring.

"I still don't know," Celine said at length, "how much of it was really about Bess, as far as Wanda was concerned. She wanted Kylie pretty bad. What do you think?"

"How should I know?"

"Because she was tormenting you in the fucking basement for -!"

"Please stop yelling. Wanda talked about Bess quite a lot, and… and why she died. She talked about Kylie too, but… she never forgot what it was really supposed to be about."

Celine nodded. "Okay, well, that's something. Y'know, I wish I didn't blame Kylie so much. I always knew it wasn't her fault Wanda had the hots for her - I mean, God, she's a hell of a lot prettier than I am. She's prettier than Bess was too. Jesus, why is everyone so fucking shallow? You!" Suddenly she got to her feet, and stood menacingly over Eduardo. "Bess was just a consolation prize, wasn't she? And then as soon as - "

"I loved Kylie!" Eduardo said desperately. "I loved her before I ever laid eyes on Bess!"

"That," Celine said, in dangerously low tones, "is exactly my problem."

Eduardo sighed, and then he stood up too. He was significantly taller than Celine.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'll say it as many times as you want. It's not like I didn't love her. I really thought I didn't have a hope in hell with Kylie, and I thought I could get to love Bess more. But it didn't happen. I know it was stupid now, but I didn't know then."

Celine shook her head, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. Then she sat back down heavily, and said, "She was so fucking weak. She would have clung onto you whether you loved her or not, and of course she couldn't tell you she was pregnant - it would have complicated things. The abortion was hard for her, but it was the quickest and easiest way. Of all the women you could have tried to love…"

Eduardo sat down too, and said gently, "I wish I knew what else to say. For what it's worth, I… I tried to toughen her up. I used to try and get her to tell me what she wanted, but she just wouldn't. Everything we did was my idea."

Celine sniffed, and said, "I'll bet Kylie's not like that, is she?"

"No," said Eduardo, "she's not."

"You know what? It was partly our fault, really. Mine and Wanda's. We bullied her. She never even wanted to get involved with Surnunos in the first place, and if we'd listened to her… well, she would have never met you."

"Yeah, that would have been better."

Suddenly they were both in tears, and only vaguely aware of Peter having a heated discussion on his cell phone in the next room. Celine sniffed again, wiped her eyes on the back of her hand, and said, "It's not your fault."

"Jesus, Celine, can you hear yourself?"

Then, even crazier than the companionable crying, they both burst out laughing. Neither of them knew whether they were crying from grief or laughter when Garrett came in, but whichever it was, it was too weird and had to be stopped. Eduardo turned his laughter into a nasty sounding cough, ran a hand over his eyes and then jumped to his feet.

"Hey, Garrett," he said brightly.

"Er, hey," said Garrett. "What's Celine doing here?"

"Oh, she was just, um…"

"I'm coming to terms with my feelings," said Celine, still giggling, and wiping her eyes.

"Ah-ha," said Garrett, "well, Eddie, I'd get her out of here before Kylie sees her."

"Hey, shut the fuck up," said Celine, the laughter suddenly draining out of her. "Kylie's one of the people I specifically came here to see. I'll talk to whoever the fuck I want."

"Celine, please calm down," Eduardo said awkwardly. "Are you okay, Garrett? You look, um… kinda weird."

"Do I?" said Garrett. "Well… to tell you the truth, I keep thinking about something Jo said this morning. I mean, it was just a throwaway comment really, but… I can't seem to get it out of my head. It was weird."

"What was it?" asked Eduardo, though he didn't sound particularly interested.

"Huh?" He was distracted all right. "Oh, nothing - just something about maybe not giving Max so much sugar in the mornings. I mean yeah, he gets hyper before school, but she's never really been that concerned about his sugar intake before."

"He gets hyper all the time," said Eduardo, "whether he's had a lot of sugar or not. I doubt it'd make much difference."

"Yeah, well… it was early, she was probably just tired. He slept well last night, though - I might ask Jess to play with him again."

"The Venkman girl?" said Celine. "Well, well - she plays with boys of all ages, doesn't she? How old is this Max of yours, Garrett?"

"Three," said Garrett.

"Ugh, I fucking hate three year olds. Isn't one of yours three, Eddie?"

"She turned four in February," said Eduardo.

"What about the other one?"

"Seven next month."

"That was fast. Your and Bess's kid would only be a couple of years older than that."

"If she was just pregnant when we broke up," Eduardo said expressionlessly, "he'd have turned nine at the beginning of this year."

Celine raised her eyebrows. "You've thought about it, then."

"Of course I've 'thought about it'."

"Yeah, well." Celine glanced towards the kitchen when she heard Peter wrapping up his phone conversation. "I said I'd do a little favour for your Doctor Venkman, so if you'll excuse me…" and she got up and walked out.

Moments later Peter came in and said, "Oh, has Celine gone?"

"She's doing something for you, apparently," said Garrett.

"Oh, right - well, I have to go and meet with Mrs. Green and a whole load of lawyers this afternoon. Apparently our best hope is to persuade her to take an out of court settlement. Man, I hate those things - they're always so damn expensive."

"Her husband died," said Garrett. "You could feel sorry for her."

"Yeah, sure, I do - but it wasn't our fault he died. She, um… wants Kylie to be there. Is this a good time to call her, Eddie?"

Eduardo scowled at that, and said, "Kylie's almost convinced it was her fault he died, thanks to all of this. Why can't that woman just leave her alone?"

"This is all because when a person loses someone," said Garrett, "then sometimes they need somebody to blame. It makes them feel better, you know?"

Eduardo seemed to accept this, and didn't say anything else. Mrs. Green may have been making Kylie feel bad, but at least she wasn't going to extremes.

.-.-.-.

"Celine!" Oz was a man who smiled often a little and never a lot, but Celine could tell that he was happy to find her on his doorstep. "You don't want the room again, do you? I just got a new tenant."

"No, I don't want the room," said Celine. "I was just passing, and I thought maybe we could catch up."

"Excellent. Please come in."

Oz was fond of tea, and this was what they drank as they discussed themselves and each other across the kitchen table. Celine was grateful to hear someone asking after her well being; even Roland had not wanted to talk about that. She told Oz that since going to New Jersey she'd got a job in a piercing and tattoo parlour, and so far she had learnt how to pierce ears, eyebrows, noses, tongues and lips.

"Do they start teaching from the top and work their way down?" asked Oz.

Celine smiled. "Yeah, I guess they do. I'll be happy to learn nipples and belly buttons, but I wonder if they'll let me opt out of, um, the other couple of things. So anyway, tell me about your new tenant. I'll bet he or she is better behaved than me and Wanda."

"She only moved in two days ago," said Oz, "but so far she's behaving herself. She's an acquaintance of the Ghostbusters, and she was desperate - I had a hard time filling that room, for some reason. She's in love with a Ghostbuster too," he added.

"That's weird. Have you ever had a tenant who wasn't in love with a Ghostbuster?"

"Well, I'm tempted to say Wanda."

Celine nodded slowly. "You're right. She's not in love with Kylie."

"Of course I don't know," said Oz. "I wasn't watching you that closely - and what do I know of love and lust, other than what I've read?"

Celine saw her chance, and decided to take it. "What about that Venkman girl?"

"Well," said Oz, "I don't desire her physically."

"Do you love her?"

"I was sorry to lose her."

"Why?"

"A number of reasons. I was sorry to lose you as a tenant, Celine, but I'm not in love with you. Similarly, I was sorry to lose Jessica as a… as a…"

"Girlfriend?"

"I enjoyed talking to her," said Oz. "She's an extraordinary girl. She's so full of anger, and yet she's not malevolent, unlike Wanda. You were full of anger too, of course."

"And I was pretty malevolent," said Celine. "I'm not now. I'm not angry anymore either. Well, not much. Look, I might as well tell you that I've seen Dr. Venkman, and he told me that Jessica told him that you told her that you think she attracts the paranormal."

Oz raised his eyebrows. "Could you say that again?"

"I don't think so, no."

"Never mind, I got the gist of it, and it's quite true. That's another reason I was sorry to lose her. She would have been a fascinating test subject - but of course, she would have been infinitely more fascinating if she was still a true virgin. I'm assuming, of course - perhaps I shouldn't - but from the way she conducts herself around me…"

"What's a true virgin?" asked Celine.

"Well," said Oz, "technically a virgin is a woman who has never been penetrated by a man. But a true virgin has never had any sexual contact at all - not with another person, with herself, with an inanimate object, or anything."

"What about men?"

"Well, feminism has come a long way. There still isn't total equality, as you and I both know, and the double standard still remains - but not to the extent that it once was, and the term 'virgin' is now applied to men as well as women. But when the word was invented, it referred very specifically to something that has yet to happen to the female body as a result of sexual intercourse. Magical lore was written long before feminism began, and I'm afraid ancient standards and terminology still apply to it. Of course, I can't condone any man believing that a woman's body is not her own, but I can't make the ancient texts agree with me."

"Oh, okay," said Celine. "And this Jessica's… how old?"

"Fifteen."

"Well, you'd be hard pushed to find a fifteen-year-old true virgin nowadays - in New York, at least. So… you're gonna leave her alone?"

"If she wants me to," said Oz, "I will. She's yet to answer my phone message."

"Perhaps that means she's not interested," said Celine.

"But surely someone has told her by now about the deal Wanda and I made. That should interest her. They know - I assume it was you who told them."

"Uh, yeah, sorry."

"Don't worry about it," said Oz. "It rather seems as though no one cares anyway."

.-.-.-.

After that Celine went out to get some lunch, and then returned to the firehouse. She didn't know then what the afternoon had in store for her; at first, it was only as simple as being cannoned into by a dark-haired little boy carrying a basketball.

"The three year old?" Celine said distastefully, glancing over to the reception desk where Janine was sitting.

"He'd normally be at home," said Janine, who may or may not have been told who Celine really was, "but his mom brought him in because he was acting up, apparently."

"Like now, you mean?"

"Oh no, that's not acting up. If you really wanna know, you can listen in on Garrett and Jo's argument - it's been going on for hours. They're upstairs."

Celine could hear no raised voices, but she soon spotted Garrett and a curvaceous almost-blonde in cargo trousers hissing at each other at the top of the stairs. They took no notice of her as she passed, and she caught a little bit of their argument.

"I just think we shouldn't push him too hard," said Jo.

"Push him?" said Garrett. "Look at him! What else is he gonna do with all that energy?"

"He can run around with the dog like he does on weekends," said Jo. "I mean, the way you encourage him to play all these sports competitively… it's not fair on him."

Garrett was silent for a moment and Celine, curious as to his reply, waited to hear it. At length he said, "Okay, now I can see why Max was freaking out. There are so many things wrong with what you just said!"

Celine spared them once last pensive look, and then made her way through to the rec room. Roland was there, tapping away at a laptop, and she immediately went over to him. She stood behind him, wrapped her arms around his neck and said, "I suppose you know internet porn is no substitute for the real thing."

"Celine, please, there are children present," said Roland, wriggling uncomfortably.

"Are there?"

Celine rose to her full height, and spotted Eduardo on the couch with a very pretty little girl. It was his and Kylie's daughter - that much was obvious, even though Celine had only seen Rose once, months ago and at a distance. She was reading aloud from a small paperback with a sulky expression on her face that made her look very like her father. It surprised Celine to think that this child had been reading aloud all along, and she hadn't even heard her. Well, she supposed, that was love for you.

"Hey," said Celine, taking her hands off Roland and walking over to Eduardo and Rose. The look that Rose gave her prompted her to add meekly, "Sorry to interrupt."

"Hey," Eduardo said warily.

"Where's Kylie?"

"She's with that woman and the lawyers."

"And the other daughter's still at school, I suppose?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just checking." Celine sat down on an armchair, and asked, "Out of interest, is Garrett the one who Oz's new tenant is in love with?"

"Yeah," said Eduardo.

"Pretty weird fight they're having, isn't it?"

"I don't know, it's nothing to do with me."

"Daddy!" Rose said irritably.

"Sorry," said Eduardo. "Celine, we have to, um…"

"I am trying to practise my reading," Rose said sourly.

"Good," said Celine. "You keep it up - reading is an essential skill. I'll leave you to it… but before I do, one more question. I suppose Venkman's at this lawyer thing too?"

"Yeah," Eduardo said again.

"Well, I'll stick around and wait for them, if it's all the same to you. I have something to say to both of them."

"Kylie won't want to see you. I, um… haven't mentioned you to her."

Celine raised her eyebrows. "In the hope that I'll fu- I'll go away and leave you alone?"

"Sure," said Eduardo. Then he turned his attention back to Rose and her all important reading practice. "All right, Rosie, where were we…?"

.-.-.-.

After their meeting with Mrs. Green and their respective lawyers, Peter drove Kylie to Conchita's school, as it was that time of day. Kylie disappeared for a couple of minutes, then came back and deposited Conchita and her Hello Kitty schoolbag on the backseat.

"Hi, Peter," Conchita said brightly.

"Hello," he said. "How was school?"

"It was okay. Are we getting Jessica too?"

"No," said Peter, guiltily wondering why Eduardo and Kylie's parenting techniques had created a sickeningly perfect angel, while his and Dana's had not. "She's in detention."

"What did you do today?" asked Kylie, and Peter was faintly amazed when Conchita actually told her. Both of his children - even Oscar, who had always been a responsive and well-mannered child - used to claim every time to have done "nothing" at school.

Peter was parking his car in the firehouse when Conchita asked sympathetically, "How much money did you have to give that woman?"

"More money than you've ever seen in your life, kid," Peter said sourly.

"So… you won't have to go to court now?"

"That's right, she can't take us to court now we've compensated her."

"Is she gonna leave Mom alone now? It's really been upsetting her, that woman saying it was her fault her husband died."

"Absolutely," said Peter. Then, just before they got out of the car, he murmured to Kylie, "She's just too good to be true, isn't she?"

As soon as he was out of the car, his cell phone started playing that Mood Slime song. He answered it to Dana, who had got out of rehearsals early and was offering to pick Jessica up from her detention. Kylie, meanwhile, took Conchita upstairs, and was greeted by the sight of Celine sprawled across the couch and flicking through the TV channels.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kylie said loudly.

"Kylie, hi," said Celine, turning off the TV and spinning round to face her. "I've been wanting to see you."

"Where's Rose?"

"She went out with Whatshername - Garrett's woman - and that other kid."

"Get the hell out of here before I throw you out."

"Y'know," said Celine, "Eduardo was much more willing to listen."

"You've seen…? Chita, go get yourself something to eat," said Kylie.

Conchita went into the kitchen without argument.

"You haven't seen Eduardo," said Kylie.

"I have," said Celine. "We talked about our feelings, and we came to an understanding. I don't know if he's exactly forgiven me, but we're okay."

"You're lying. Eduardo doesn't talk about his feelings to just anyone."

"Yeah, well, neither do I. But I only ever had two close friends, and I had one of them committed and the other one's dead. What happened to Bess hit both of us pretty hard, and that's the one thing he and I have in common. Maybe he told you something about his relationship with her, but you didn't know her like I did. We both loved her."

"I don't know what you're playing at," Kylie bristled, "but - "

"I'm not playing at anything, and I'm not trying to imply that there are secrets between you and him, if that's what you're thinking. It's just that he and I both knew Bess, and you didn't, and that's why we were able to talk and come to an understanding. I'm sorry for what I did to him, and I'm sorry for what I did to you. I tried to keep telling myself that you didn't ask Wanda to feel the way she did about you, and I shouldn't hate you for it, but then you said all that stuff about Bess…"

"It was all true."

"You're right, it was. Well… I've got no time for anyone who condemns a woman for what she does with her own life and her own body, but the abortion issues aside… the things you said about why she did it were kinda right on the button. But it made me angry at the time, and I lashed out. I'm sorry."

Kylie was shaking her head from side to side, her eyes wide open. She looked mildly insane. "I don't trust you."

Celine's face fell into a scowl. "I wish you would."

"Where's Eduardo? You've done something with him, haven't you?"

"No. He's out on a call with Roland and Garrett and that Spengler guy."

"Were you lying about where my daughter is?"

"Oh Jesus, Kylie - paranoid much?"

"Look," said Kylie, taking a step towards her, "if you're lying…"

Celine scoffed. "You'll what? I'm a lot bigger than you, pint size."

"Yeah?" Kylie closed the remaining distance between them, and grabbed the neck of Celine's tank top in both hands. "Well size isn't - "

"Mom!" Conchita had suddenly materialised in the kitchen doorway.

"I told you to get something to eat, honey," said Kylie, not taking her eyes from Celine.

"I've had something to eat. What's going on?"

Kylie stayed still and silent for a few moments, and then let go of Celine.

"Who is this?" asked Conchita.

"Well," said Kylie, "you remember that rough patch your dad and I went through just before Thanksgiving, when he moved out for a bit? That was all because of her."

"I was in a bad place back then," Celine put in hastily. "I'm here to apologise. I've seen your dad already, and he's forgiven me."

"Mom seems to think you've done something with him," said Conchita.

"I haven't."

"Mom, why not call him to see if he's okay?"

Kylie just stared at her for a moment. Then she took out her cell phone, but paused when she heard the Ecto-1 pulling in downstairs. Moments later she heard footsteps, but it was too quick to be anyone who was in the car. Then Peter came in, and said, "Oh, I guess I maybe should have warned you about her."

Kylie scowled at him, and then made her way downstairs.

"She's had a bad day," Conchita said apologetically to Celine.

"It's all right," said Celine. "I completely understand why she's still mad at me."

"What did you do?"

"Oh… it doesn't matter now. But I really am sorry."

"I thought you didn't like kids," said Peter.

Celine made no response to this remark, but said to him, "I talked to Oz. He said he's going to leave your daughter alone for as long as she wants him to, and I believe him."

"You've seen Oz?" Conchita asked eagerly. "How is he? I'm not allowed to see him."

Kylie's voice was now clearly audible from downstairs; she was asking Eduardo why he hadn't told her about Celine being there, and what the hell he thought he was doing by coming to an "understanding" with her.

"Well," said Celine, "you need friends your own age."

"I have friends my own age. But he doesn't, and he likes me. And I'll bet he's really sad since Jessica dumped him, isn't he?"

"Um… in a way."

"What else did he say?" Peter asked impatiently.

"Nothing," snapped Celine, not taking her eyes from Conchita. In fact, she was looking so intently at the little girl that she began to make her feel somewhat uncomfortable.

"Are… you okay?" Conchita asked at length.

This girl didn't seem weak, but she was gentle and good. She had qualities that Celine had never before seen reconciled with strength of character, but she had seen them.

"Yeah," she said. "Sorry. You remind me of someone."

"Oh. Who?"

"An old friend."

The four younger Ghostbusters appeared, apparently having left their boss somewhere else. Eduardo smiled when he saw Conchita, and began to lavish her with affection. Celine was faintly sickened, but not at all surprised. From seeing them together it need not be called into question that he loved Rose as much, but Conchita was just the sort of pretty little girly girl that a father would go quite ridiculously silly over.

"Are you still here?" Kylie said acidly.

"Hey," Celine said to Eduardo, "how did the two of you manage to produce a little sweetheart like her?"

"Well," said Eduardo, "you know how kids rebel against their parents."

"Please don't act like her best friend, Eduardo, I can't handle it," Kylie said wearily.

Some minutes later, Jo returned with Max and Rose. Peter had gone to talk to Egon about the effect Mrs. Green was to have on the company's money, and Celine had stuck around to shoot the breeze with Conchita and the four younger Ghostbusters. Janine had gone to pick up her and Egon's two children from school some time ago, and then had taken them straight home for the last couple of hours of the working day.

Jo and Garrett said a tense few words to each other, and then she left. Max stayed behind at his own insistence, and clung so tightly to Garrett that he was asked, "Are you okay?"

"That's not Mom," Max said at once.

Garrett blinked. "What?"

"That can't be Mom. She's being too weird."

"She was being weird," said Rose. "She took us to the library."

"I thought you liked the library," said Garrett.

"I do. He doesn't." She indicated Max. "And nor does Jo."

"It's not her," said Max. "She's too weird."

"Well," Garrett said cautiously, "I can kind of see what you mean, Max, but…"

"She said we couldn't go to the park."

"That's probably because you had Rose with you. She doesn't like the park - she's scared of the dogs, remember?"

"She was acting different," said Rose. "I think she's sick or something."

"You know what?" said Celine, and everyone looked at her except for Max, who continued staring at his own hands making wrinkles in his father's sleeve. "This sort of reminds me of a spell Wanda wanted to do on Eduardo."

"What spell?" Kylie asked sharply.

"It's an interesting one," said Celine. "It's something you do to two people who love each other. It works on any two people - siblings, friends, lovers and such - except parents and children. That is, you can stop a child from loving a parent, but you can't stop a parent from loving a child unless they're… you know… kinda shit already." It was probably a good thing that "shit" was the worst word she had said in the presence of the children. "Anyway, what it does is to take away from one person the thing that the other person loves most about them."

"Which one of us did Wanda want to take something away from?" asked Eduardo.

Celine gave him a comic look. "Which one do you think?"

Conchita and Rose were both looking utterly bemused, but they remained silent. Max, by all indications, wasn't paying attention to the conversation at all.

"I wonder what would have gone missing from you, Eddie," said Garrett.

"I admit I was curious about that," said Celine. "Probably even Kylie doesn't know what it is she loves most out of everything. Hmm… I guess we could have made your kids stop loving you - that would have hurt like hell, wouldn't it?But I didn't think of that at the time, so I really didn't want to go through with that one."

"Why on earth not?" asked Roland.

"Haven't I been through this with you people?" Celine said irritably. "All Wanda wanted to do was split these two up. If it was painful for him, so much the better, but that was beside the point. I just got so sick of targeting their relationship. He had to have other sore spots, and she was just ignoring them."

"How did you talk Wanda out of it?" asked Eduardo.

"I had a better idea."

"What idea?"

"Well, you remember the, um… foetus?"

"Foetus? What?" said Garrett.

"That was your idea?" said Eduardo, shuddering inwardly at the memory of a burnt and bloodied zombie foetus crawling around his old apartment above his brother's garage, where he had been staying.

"Kind of," said Celine. "Look, if you really want to know, I found the zombie spell and suggested we use it. Then Wanda was all like, ooh, let's make it a foetus! I thought that was a great idea, and then she said I had to go and find one, and I said why didn't she - she was the one who wanted the zombie to be a foetus - and she said that if I didn't get one we weren't doing the spell at all, so I had to go and steal… what?"

They were all staring at her with their mouths wide open - all except Max. Celine could not believe that Conchita and Rose had fully grasped what she was talking about, but apparently they knew "foetus" or "zombie" - or possibly both. Eduardo was staring hardest of all, as well he might.

"Yeah, okay," said Celine, "it was horrible. But in my defence" - she looked straight at Eduardo - "I didn't actually think it would work. But anyway, back to the point…"

"What is the point?" Roland asked dazedly.

"Garrett's woman, whatever her name is, acting weird."

"Who," said Garrett, "would cast a spell like that on me and Jo?"

"Well…" said Celine.

"Oh!" Garrett's eyes widened. "You think Stephie did it?"

"Who's Stephie?" asked Celine.

"Oz's new tenant. She's in love with me."

"Oh, right. In that case, yes, that's the thought that crossed my mind. But would she do something like that? You know her better than I do."

"Well," said Garrett, "I guess I'll just have to go and ask - "

At that point Peter came crashing into the room, proclaiming, "She's not there!"

"Wha-… who's not where?" asked Roland.

"Jess! She's not at school! Dana's picking her up, but she's not there!"

"Dude, chill," said Celine. "She's a teenage girl. She probably hooked up with some friends and went to get a soda or something."

"Or," said Peter, "she hooked up with Oz."

"Yeah, well, what if she did? Oz doesn't say stuff he doesn't mean. Unless she wants him to see her, he won't. Have you tried calling her?"

"Of course I've tried calling her! And I've called all her friends too! No one knows where she is - she's got to be with Oz!"

"Celine," said Roland, "could you please call Oz for us?"

"If she's with him, he won't do anything to her," said Celine, but she took out her cell phone anyway and began scrolling through the numbers.

"Why are you worried?" asked Conchita.

Peter shook his head helplessly, and said, "It's complicated."

"You can tell me anyway - I'm not stupid! Why won't anyone tell me what he's supposed to have done?"

It wasn't much but, coming from Conchita, this was an uncharacteristic display of anger. For a moment it silenced everyone. Then Celine said, "Oh. No answer."

"Oh my God!" fretted Peter.

"Why don't a bunch of us go over to Oz's place?" asked Garrett.

"Ooh, yeah - then you can ask your ex if she's done any little magic tricks," said Celine.

"Can't you take this seriously?" cried Peter, exasperated.

"Let me go," said Conchita. "I can help."

"No," said Eduardo, "you can't."

"I can! He likes me!"

"No! I said you weren't going to see him again, and I meant it!"

"But he - "

Eduardo interrupted, but no one except his own daughters could understand what he was saying. He didn't often have cause to get angry with either of them, but whenever he did, he always told them off in Spanish - a habit he had apparently picked up from his mother. To everyone's surprise, except Celine's, Conchita started to answer back - also in Spanish. She usually trusted her parents to know best, but apparently this time she wasn't going to take it lying down.

"Ky," said Garrett, "there's no need for any of you four to come on this thing. If I go, could you and Eddie look after Max? I… don't think he wants to go home."

"Sure," said Kylie. "Garrett, what if it turns out Jo made this change of her own accord?"

"Well," said Garrett, "then I guess we'll have to sit down and talk about it."

"You're coming, right?" Peter said urgently to Celine.

"Well," she said, smirking "it's not really an appropriate time for that kind of thing, is it? But I'd love to later - it partly depends on Roland."

Peter glared at her, then grabbed Roland and pulled him to one side.

"You have got to come with us," the older man said.

"Why?" asked Roland.

"To keep her under control."

"But I've got - "

"Please, Roland, I am begging you!" Peter cried desperately. "You are the only person she listens to! When we were in New Jersey, she wouldn't even let me in the café!"

Roland sighed heavily. "Fine. But I have to make a call first."

"Sure, whatever. I'll organise some equipment."

"What kind of equipment? Oz is human."

"As far as we know."

Peter took out his cell phone as he left the room, and Roland assumed he was calling Dana to let her know what was going on. The shouting in Spanish had stopped and Eduardo was now trying to reason with Conchita, clearly fighting the part of him that always gave in to big eyes, dimples, smiles and, failing all that, tears.

Kylie was talking to Rose, perhaps trying to give her some explanation of what the hell this was all about, while Garrett tried to reassure Max. Roland knew that the former Max Sanford had first come to the Millers attention-starved and anxious. He seemed all right now, but his mother possibly being under some kind of magic spell seemed likely to send him back there.

"You're not cancelling, are you?" Grace said wretchedly, on answering Roland's call.

"I really hope not," said Roland. "It might be nothing, but Dr. Venkman's daughter has gone missing."

"Oh my God, that's terrible!"

"Well, we don't know yet, but just in case something is wrong I'm going to help look for her. I'll try to get there as soon as I can, Grace, I promise."

With an audible sigh, Grace said, "I know you will, honey. Good luck finding her."

When Roland hung up, Garrett was saying a long goodbye to Max. The boy still looked anxious, and Garrett was apparently in two minds about leaving him. The only child to come to a childless couple, complete with his own unique and very serious set of problems, Max was extremely precious. What was more, he was probably destined to remain an only child. Garrett and Jo were still young, but with the kind of care and attention Max needed, it would almost certainly be unwise to adopt again.

"I'll bet that was Grace," said Celine, smiling wistfully at Roland.

"Er, yeah," he said.

"What have you got on for tonight, then?"

"I don't know. She, er… said she had something special planned."

"Oh, really? Well, I've had something special planned for months."

"You make it sound so cheap," said Roland. "It's not just about what you do - it's who you do it with. Grace is a good woman."

"Yeah?" said Celine. "And what does that make me?"

He hesitated. "I never really saw it before…"

"But…?"

"You're crazy."

"Crazy?" said Celine. "Where do you fucking get off, calling me crazy? Is this because of what I told you about the zombie foetus?" Then she stopped, looked thoughtful for a moment and finally said, "Okay, maybe I was crazy. But I'm not now. Losing someone fucking hurts, Roland. I've only ever had two real friends, and she was one of them."

"Yeah?" said Roland. "So what am I?"

"You're not like them. If you were, I wouldn't have tried to sleep with you. That's what went wrong with Wanda."

Peter reappeared in the doorway, said urgently, "Come on, move it!" and then ran off again. Roland and Celine followed him at once, while Garrett leaned forward and pressed his lips to Max's forehead for a good five seconds or more. Then he, too, made his way down to the ground floor and the Ecto-1.

To be continued…