Note: I'm not sure how long this is going to be, but this definitely going to be more than a few chapters. This will be one of my longer fanfictions. I know the beginning is starting out with Brooke being against being with Lucas but I assure you I am a huge Brucas fan and they'll be together by at least the 3rd chapter. Some chapters will start out with Journal entries by Brooke. It was Haley's idea for her to start one. The journal entries will mostly be based on songs. If you're ever interested in which song it is feel free to ask. Sometimes the chapter name will be the song, sometimes it won't. Okay, so on with the story. A little FYI for you all, I love reviews. The more I get, the more I update, you could call them motivation. Sorry if this chapter is short, they'll get longer as I discover if people actually like this or not.

Disclaimer: Although I'd love to own the cast and such… I don't.

Things That You Say are Hard to Believe

October 17, 2005

Ever since that night at the beach, everything in my head has changed. Not that I've come to some big realization, because trust me, been there, done that. The past few days I've spent hours of my life trying to forget what he said but it keeps ringing in my mind. "I'm the guy for you Brooke Davis, you'll see." I mean what was he trying to do, trap me? In a way I'm happy he said those words, I'm sure the smile on my face gave that away but I can't help but be… afraid. How can he expect me to trust that he won't hurt me, that our love would be everlasting? It's so hard to believe in things you can't see for yourself. Back when Haley and Nathan were together, when they were happy, in love, I would have accepted what Lucas said. But now everything is different. Haley and Nathan aren't together, she ran off to join that clown because she got scared. Sure she said it was because she wanted to pursue her career, but I know that look in her eyes. It's the same look I get every time I look at Lucas. She was afraid. Fear. Whose idea was it to give us a fear gene? I think he or she should suffer like we do. How am I supposed to believe in love if everywhere I look I see pain or resentment? With Nathan and Haley it's pain. He looks at her and remembers what heartache he went through with the whole Chris fiasco. When she looks at him she sees his pain, the non-existent trust and that hurts her. My parents, even though they don't admit it, resent each other… and me. My father wanted a boy; my mother didn't want a kid at all. She gave in, I was a girl. She married my dad for his money not for love. Love is not something I see often, if ever. Sure in movies they give you these perfect stories with perfect people but it's not reality, life is nothing like that at all. All around me I see lonely people with pain in their eyes and fake smiles on their faces, just like I see when I look at myself in the mirror. Can you sit here and tell me one person in my life that has made it through with someone who loved them in return? Peyton? Nope Jake left. Haley? No she left. Nathan? Haley hurt him. Lucas? I'm too scared to admit how I feel. Mouth? Erica dumped him. Karen? Dan crushed her, Andy and she didn't work out. Dan and Deb? Ha, they're getting divorced. I hate that word… Divorce. What's the point of marrying someone if you intend to break it off when things get rough? Exactly, there is no point. Deep down, behind the makeup and the designer clothes lies a broken heart. Lucas Scott did that to me. This whole mess never would have happened if he hadn't cheated, if I hadn't let him back in. Letting him back in wasn't a mistake though, it gave me the chance to love again, love him again. During junior year of high school we spent many days together, falling back into our old friendship. We became friends, friends with a rocky past. I'm not even sure how it happened really. Sometimes I wish it hadn't, so I wouldn't be feeling this way. It isn't fair to me and especially isn't fair to him. Behind my façade of cheeriness lies more than I can understand, much more than I can understand. Everything's just so mixed up. I'm like one big jumble of feelings on the inside. Lucas tells me things will be different. That he wants to be with me, no matter what. Everything I want to hear, he tells me. It's not going to be okay. It's too much for me. I want to believe that he's right. I want to believe that everything will be perfect between us, that all we need is love. That's just not the case. I can't believe it. The more I want to believe it the less I do. I live in fear because of it. Fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt. I can't take the hurt anymore, the pain in my heart. He drives me crazy; he makes me safe and scared at the same time. How screwed up is that? Haley says its love. Psh, doesn't she know I already know that? I'm in love with Lucas and she knows that. The things he tells me, the things he does to me, it's his fault damnit. It's so hard to believe in him, believe in what he has to say. Sure his love is the best thing that's ever happened to me, but… there is no but. For once in my life I don't have something to contradict that with. Loving Lucas and being loved by him is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to let him past my barrier. I can't break down the fear. I hate it, I hate the fear. I just want to love him. It's so hard to do.

Brooke

"Done yet?" Haley softly asked from across the bedroom.

Brooke looked up from the fluffy pink notebook and smiled halfheartedly at Haley, "Yeah. Unless I plan on writing one of those stupid P.S. type things."

Haley laughed a little, "I'm glad you decided to take my advice and write in one of those. It could really help you."

Brooke shrugged and opened the drawer on her nightstand, placing the book and the purple pen inside, "You read it you die."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Haley commented. "Let's go. We're going to get something to eat at Karen's. Someone forgot to go grocery shopping."

Brooke coughed, "Excuse me. It was your turn this week."

Haley rolled her eyes and walked over to Brooke's bed. She took hold of her arm and pulled her up, "Let's go."

Brooke groaned and stood up, "Fine. I'm coming. Gosh."

Haley smiled and let go of Brooke's arm heading out of the bedroom. Brooke grabbed her purse and followed behind her.

It didn't take long for the two to get to Karen's, especially with Brooke driving.

"Are you alright Brooke? You look a little upset," Karen said as she placed water in front of the 2 girls at the counter.

Brooke shrugged and glanced up at Haley, "You may do the honors while I escape to the bathroom." She stood up and headed for the back of the café where the bathrooms were.

Karen looked to Haley for the answer to her question, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer or not. Haley nodded her head, "She's upset alright. All she does is mope. I swear she's turned into a brooder, Luke's rubbing off on her."

Karen frowned, "What's got her so upset?"

"Your son," Haley replied.

"I was afraid you'd say that. What did he do to her?"

"He told her she was the one."

"Why would that be upsetting?"

"Karen, you know I love Lucas but he really does have the worst timing with things. She's afraid that he'll hurt her again and dumping something like that on her… she wasn't prepared."

Karen nodded, "Yeah. Do you want me to talk to him? Have him lay off her a bit?"

Haley laughed, "No. Don't talk to him. He needs to press harder on her. Time isn't what she needs. She needs reassurance."

Brooke returned a few seconds later, "Have fun talking about me?"

Karen touched Brooke's shoulder, "Cheer up Brooke. We all miss your smile."

Brooke laughed and sat down on her stool again, "Thanks."

"I'll get you girls your cheeseburgers." Karen replied as she walked away into the kitchen.

Haley smiled at Brooke, "You know you'll be happy in a few days when you finally realize you're in love with Lucas. If you'd just give him those damn letters everything would be alright." "It's not that simple Tutor Girl. I know I love him. Hell the state of California knows I love him. I can't loose him again; I can't set myself up for disaster."

Haley shook her head, "No. Brooke you're not going to loose him."

Brooke shrugged, "Suddenly I'm not so hungry." She stood up and dropped a 5 dollar bill on the table, dropping the car keys beside it for her, "Just bring the cheeseburger home for me okay? I'm going to go for a walk. I'll see you later." Brooke leaned down and kissed Haley's cheek as a goodbye and left the café. She wasn't exactly sure where she was going but she needed to get away from Haley. Not just Haley, anyone that would try to convince her that Lucas was going to be there, that he wasn't going to leave her. She headed back to the apartment first to change. She undressed and started to go through her closet. She threw on a grey shirt from Abercrombie and a short jean Ezra Fitch skirt. She slipped on a pair of white Juicy flip-flops, put one of her big beaded necklaces around her neck and left the apartment. The mall would be a great place to let off her frustrations, even if she didn't plan on buying anything. Her parents had sent her a new credit card since they'd become rich again. A new shirt or 2 wouldn't hurt.