A/N: HAHA! Everyone's doin' it, so I should too! That's right. A LOTR PARODY!! A LOTR JOURNAL PARODY!! BUT NOT JUST ANY JOURNAL PARODY/STORY PARODY…THIS IS A JOURNADY!!!! (My own rather stupid word, in case you couldn't tell…) I know this has been done lots of times, but you'll be surprised to know that the only journal parodies I've ever read are "The SECRET!!! Diary of…" series by Reasonably Crazy. (Highly recommended to you humor fans, those are. Oh, I'm Yoda…) However, this is not the usual journal parody. This will be told by all the main characters, with each chapter a new person's journal. Okay, I'm probably weirding you all out, so I'll be leaving now. However, I must first pause to say, on pain of death, that my dear sisters came up with much of this. All hail their insanity! (bows)
Chapter One: The Journal of Bilbo Baggins
Entry #1 – Day One
Hi, journal! My name's Bilbo Baggins, and I'm a millionaire! Okay, maybe not a millionaire, but I'm really rich! How am I really rich, you ask? Well, when I was very young (a lot younger than I am now, anyway), I went on an adventure. Went off with a bunch of Dwarves and a Wizard, found a magic ring, hid in dragon's gold, stole some of dragon's gold, killed dragon… You know, all that adventure stuff.
Anyway, my birthday's coming up in a few days, and I'm excited! My eleventy-first! I can't wait!
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday –
Entry #2 – Five minutes later
Whoops. Frodo came in, so I had to disguise you as a fake book that I'm supposedly writing. Ha! I tell everyone it's called "There and Back Again", and everyone thinks I'm really writing it. Excuse me as I break into a giggle fit.
You know what, journal? I think I will write a book called "There and Back Again"!
And no one will know about you but us!
Strange. I'm talking to an inanimate object. Maybe I am cracked. Everyone always says I am. Can't believe it took me this long to find out.
However, now I shall continue with my birthday song.
Happy birthday –Entry #3 – Twenty minutes later
Shoot! Frodo came in again!! He's driving me up the wall! And then those blasted Sackville-Bagginses showed up. All they want is my house and my money! They don't even like me! But boy, did I get them back when I adopted Frodo! They all think I did it out of kindness, but I know the truth! I'm making a confession here: I adopted Frodo so I could get back at the Sackville-Bagginses! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I shall write more tomorrow.
Entry #4 – TomorrowTomorrow's my birthday! Tomorrow's my birthday!
I'm having the biggest turnout in the Shire!
THAT ROCKS!!
Gandalf came by today. I told him all about how I'm sick and tired of the Sackville-Bagginses, and how I want to strangle Lobelia…okay, so I didn't tell him that I wanted to strangle her, but I was thinking it! Then he asked if I'm carrying through with "The Plan". I told him of course I was, that I was tired of Hobbiton and that I was bored, and that I wanted to see mountains and Elves again. The main reason I want to see the Elves is to drive them crazy. I didn't get to the last time I was in Rivendell (Elrond was too busy reading the moon-letters), so I decided this time I'd get 'em good! Then the stupid old Wizard had to go and make me feel guilty by telling me that Frodo will miss me and all, but though I'd like to take the kid with me, he's a big jabber-mouth. I might kill him before I got to Rivendell. And that would be tragic.
Or would it?
Entry #5 – MY BIRTHDAY!!!IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!
Go me! Go me!
I'm now the oldest Hobbit since the Old Took, and that's something to be proud of! Unfortunately, Frodo's birthday is on the same day. He turned thirty-three today. Like I care! I'm having a big party, and everyone's coming from all over Middle-Earth!
I'm exaggerating…
Everyone's coming from all over the Shire!!
Hm. Doesn't sound as impressive as "all of Middle-Earth", but I'll have to settle for the truth.
Sometimes I hate the truth.
Entry #6 – AFTER MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!Oh…so much to think about!
I'll start at the beginning.
First, Gandalf brought a lot of neat fireworks, and had to show off his artistic smoke-shapes. The best pyrotechnic (didn't know I knew that word!) was one of a dragon (I believe it was meant to be Smaug) that had all my idiotic Hobbit guests running for their lives!
Frodo did the chicken dance! I was scared…
By the way, though I'm getting off the original topic, I started writing "There and Back Again"! And guess who's the star? ME!!
Back to the party, though.
Ate really good food (lots of it, too) and then I stood up to make my speech. I gave them quite a compliment, and the idiots got confused, as usual. I really liked that line, actually.
If I remember correctly, it was, "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
Ingenious.
Then, I had to ramble on about the kid, and when I finished, I slipped the Ring on my finger, and – POOF! I was gone! A couple Hobbits actually screamed. I was laughing my head off as I went inside. Then, annoying old Gandalf came in and scared me so bad I almost went into cardiac arrest. He forced me to leave my ring. Now the kid gets it.
I hate that Wizard!
I've already started off. I didn't even wait to tell the kid goodbye, because I knew he's start crying and then I'd get annoyed and smack him or something, and I was too happy to do that.
And now I sing –
I'm off to see the Elf-Lords
The Elf-Lords of Imladris!
End of Bilbo Baggins' Journal
A/N: The last song was to be sung to the tune of "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz". Scary, I know. If you review, please don't curse. At all!