So, this is kind of my challenge to myself. I'm writing one fanfiction for each episode of Merlin. Some are one-shots, some are longer stories. I ran out of ideas for fanfictions so this is how I'm dealing with that. If anyone has any prompts for me, feel free to leave it in a review and if I write it after I finish writing these 65 stories, I'll dedicate it to you… so, thanks. And I give you Season 2 Episode 4.
Summary: Takes place the night after Arthur and Merlin rescue Lancelot and Guinevere from Hengist's fortress. Lancelot prepares to leave, but Arthur doesn't let him. Arthur had a decision to make. He has to choose between what is right and his happiness.
Story 17: Does it Make it Better
Chapter 1: Letting Go
Arthur tossed and turned, but nothing he did would still his thoughts. No matter what he tried, sleep evaded him. His mind was filled with the look that Gwen and Lancelot had shared. Guinevere had certainly never looked at him like that.
Arthur knew the truth. He knew it deep within himself. It was excruciating to have these feelings for someone and know that they are not reciprocated. Gwen did not feel as strongly for him as she did for Lancelot, but Arthur wanted her to. Arthur wanted Gwen to look at him as if he were the center of her universe. He wanted her to feel as if they should never be apart. He wanted her to think about him as he often thought about her, but he knew it could never be. And it wouldn't be fair to expect Gwen to wait for him. It could be years… decades really before he became king. Gwen deserved to love and be loved by someone that wouldn't have to duck behind pillars at the sound of approaching footsteps so they wouldn't be seen together. She also deserved to love someone with all of her heart. She couldn't do that with Arthur. Her heart belonged with Lancelot.
But Arthur didn't want to let her go.
Arthur groaned, forfeiting his attempts to sleep. He got up and shook out his restless limbs. He could feel it building in his chest. The urge to scream at the unfairness of it all. As prince, he should be granted everything he could ever want, but he could not get the one thing his heart truly desired.
Arthur began to walk around the forest. It was dangerous, anything could be hidden in the shadows, but Arthur needed to do something. He had to work off the energy burning through him somehow. Besides, he had faith in his ability as a swordsman. If there was any trouble, he would be able to defend himself.
His walk did little to still his racing thoughts, but it did help Arthur resist the urge to punch a tree. Arthur didn't keep track of where he was walking and he stopped dead when he heard voices.
"What about you?" He heard Merlin ask. Arthur let out a silent sigh of relief. It was only Merlin. That sigh caught in his throat as Merlin continued. "Do you have feelings for Gwen?"
"My feelings do not matter. I will not come between them. Tell Gwen… tell Gwen that she has changed me forever, but some things cannot be," Lancelot answered. The blood drained from Arthur's face. Lancelot was leaving and if Arthur had a guess, the 'them' Lancelot had been talking about was him and Guinevere. He had a choice to make and he didn't have much time to make it.
Arthur stared into the darkness. It would be so easy. Let Lancelot go and leave Gwen open for him. Arthur pictured a future without Lancelot. A future where Gwen was willing to wait for him until he became king. A future where one day, Gwen and Arthur would be united and would remain united as long as they both shall live. It was a future that made Arthur's heart swell with happiness. But it was a future that could never be.
He had never thought he would have to choose between being happy and sacrificing that happiness for someone else. But the time had come and Arthur hated every minute of it. He wanted that beautiful future with Guinevere where one day they would be married and she would be his queen. As much as he wanted it, he knew it wasn't the right choice.
Arthur forced himself to let go of that future. As happy and as hopeful that it made him, he knew that it would never happen. Gwen's feelings for Lancelot were stronger than her feelings for Arthur. Lancelot was willing to give up his love and his happiness because he did not want to come between Arthur and Gwen. He truly was the most noble of men Arthur could ever know. Arthur would be fortunate if he became half the man Lancelot was.
He had a sour taste in his mouth as he stepped into the light so Merlin and Lancelot could see him. "You're leaving?" Arthur asked uncertainly.
Lancelot looked at the ground uncomfortably. "It is not my place to interfere with your feelings sire," Lancelot explained.
Arthur closed his eyes. He wanted to let Lancelot go, he really did. But what kind of person would he be if he allowed that? What kind of king would he be?
"You cannot leave Guinevere," Arthur said quietly. He ignored the stabbing pain in his chest. As much as it hurt, he knew he was making the right decision. "I know how she feels about you and more importantly, I know how she feels about me. The two cannot even compare. Her heart lies with you."
"But sire," Lancelot said shocked. Out of the corner of his eye, Arthur saw Merlin slip into the forest. Arthur was grateful. He didn't know how he knew, but somehow Merlin knew he needed to speak to Lancelot alone. Merlin always knew exactly what Arthur needed before Arthur realized it himself.
"You cannot deny your own feelings because I am a prince. What kind of leader am I if I believe myself to be more important than my people?" Arthur asked. "You are a good man and I value the nobility and judgment you displayed, but it is okay to put your feelings first. You should put your feelings first." Arthur looked Lancelot in the eye for the first time. "You have to be true to your heart."
"But you love her," Lancelot argued.
It was strange to hear someone say it out loud. Even Merlin hadn't had the nerve to accuse Arthur of loving Guinevere. Love was a powerful word. Hearing Lancelot say it, Arthur knew it was true; however, he also knew Lancelot loved her. "As do you," Arthur pointed out.
"I did not know that these feelings existed until I met Gwen, but you are the crowned prince of Camelot. It is my duty to place you before all else," Lancelot said.
"No, it's not," Arthur whispered. "Your duty is to your heart, not to me."
"Why are you so adamant about this?" Lancelot asked.
"Because I know that Guinevere loves you," Arthur said, finally looking up at Lancelot. "No matter how strongly I feel for Gwen, and perhaps because I feel so strongly for her, I cannot put her through the pain of loving me." Lancelot cocked his head with confusion, so Arthur explained. "I am a prince. One day I will be king, but that day is far in the future. My father is not an old man. He is not as young as he once was, but he is not old. He has many years left before he will even consider giving up the throne to me. Until I am king, the most I can offer her is to court Gwen in secret. When I see her during the day, I would have to pretend that there is nothing happening between us. That is not the type of relationship she deserves. I cannot make her wait years for a love that doesn't compare to the love she feels for you." Arthur felt strange talking about his feelings and talking about Gwen this way. He felt awkward trying to convince Lancelot to stay with Guinevere, but he persisted. "You and Gwen can be happy. You can walk around the town square without attracting unpleasant gossip. People won't judge you for being with her, and more importantly they won't judge Gwen for being with you. If you are as honorable of a man as I believe you are, you know what the right thing to do is."
"You are choosing to make yourself miserable?" Lancelot asked, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead.
"It was the same choice you were ready to make. The difference is I have an obligation to make that choice. It is my duty and it is the right thing to do."
"I… I don't know what to say," Lancelot said breathlessly.
"Don't say anything. Just go to Guinevere," Arthur told him. Arthur glanced up at Lancelot who hadn't moved an inch. "I'll stay on guard and take watch."
"Arthur," Lancelot said quietly.
"Go!" Arthur said harshly.
Lancelot hesitated for a moment, but realized that Arthur needed to be left alone. "Yes sire," Lancelot said. He bowed before he turned to walk away.
Arthur looked away from Lancelot and listened to the crunch of the leaves as he walked away. Arthur felt drained. He had just voiced all of his doubts about Guinevere and as he spoke, he knew them to be true. He knew he had made the right decision, but that did not lesson the heart ache he felt.
When Lancelot returned to where they made camp, he was surprised to see Merlin was still awake. He was staring into the depths of the dying fire. At the sound of Lancelot approaching, Merlin looked up. "Where's Arthur?" Merlin asked as he got to his feet.
"He's standing watch," Lancelot explain. Merlin nodded and began to walk towards where Arthur would be. "I think he wishes to be left alone," Lancelot added.
Merlin either didn't hear him or didn't care, because he kept walking.
Arthur was standing exactly where Lancelot had left him. He was forcing himself to accept exactly what he had done.
"I'm sorry," a voice came from the darkness. Merlin stepped into the light. Arthur nearly rolled his eyes. He should have guessed. Merlin was the only person that would try to talk to him right now. Most people wouldn't risk the prince's foul mood. But Merlin was never afraid.
"So now you know," Arthur said grimly.
"I've known for a long time Sire," Merlin pointed out.
Arthur sat down against a tree in the clearing. He simply didn't have the energy to stand anymore. Letting go of someone you love was a lot harder than he had anticipated. Arthur didn't know how long had passed before he spoke. "Does it make it better?" He asked Merlin, his voice void of emotions.
"Sire?" Merlin asked confused.
"Does it make it better that I admitted my feelings for Gwen earlier? Does it make it better for you that you pushed me to realize them when nothing can ever happen between us?" Arthur asked, anger slowly creeping into his voice. He was furious with Merlin for forcing him to acknowledge his feelings for Gwen. He was angry at life for putting him in the circumstance where he would suffer unrequited love. He was angry at himself for allowing himself to develop such strong feelings for a servant. As quickly as it had sprung up in him, the fight left him. Arthur knew he wasn't angry with Merlin. Mostly, he just felt empty "Does it make it better?" He asked in a hollow voice.