Half For You, Half For Me
"Um, excuse me J'onn," asked Shayera Hol nervously, as she tapped the Martian's shoulder. Shayera's nervousness was due not only to the stress of the entire current situation at hand-her traitorous nature, the Thanagarian invasion, and Earth's impending doom-but also due to the cave. Why the bloody hell did Batman's base have to be in a cave? Did he really have to extend his motif that far? This cave was too much of a confined space for Shayera, too far away from the sky…her claustrophobia was having a field day. Sure, she had been able to reign control of it earlier, when she had told the League the true plans of the Thanagarian armada, but now her icy coolness was slowly slipping away. Shayera allowed herself to feel embarrassed, to get in touch with normal reality again. Feeling embarrassed actually made her feel less dirty, less like a traitor.
J'onn turned away from the rest of the League, who were clustered around Batman's computer, examining the Thanagarians' plans. He didn't speak, letting his eyes do the questioning. Black eyes, brown hair, peach-colored skin…it was so strange to see J'onn like this, so unfamiliar, it rather freaked Shayera out, causing her to lose even more of her composure. She was more comfortable with his reddish-orange eyes, baldness, and green skin.
"You're still here," snapped Diana, her blue eyes blazing with unbridled hate. It took all of Shayera's willpower not to gulp, not to back down from the Amazon's glare. It was tearing her up inside, to see Diana stare at her so, especially since once she stared at her with friendship. It even tore her up more to see-more or less-the same glare on the others' faces, on Batman's, Superman's, Flash's, John's.... Even worse, she couldn't blame them, she deserved it all, and more. More of Shayera's composure was lost.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to talk to J'onn." Shayera was amazed that her voice didn't squeak, but remained firm, still retaining its icy coolness; apparently, she hadn't completely lost her composure.
"We should speak somewhere more private then. Excuse us, this won't take long," replied the Martian, gently taking the Thanagarian's arm and leading her behind the giant coin located in the cave. A little relieved, Shayera turned her back on the glares, but she soon realized the Martian was worse, even more so than John. He was like ice, a practically neutral and emotionless expression on his face. Truth be told, J'onn's emotionless stare wasn't foreign to Shayera; she had seen it before in the past, but she had always been able to see his real emotions behind the façade, so it had never disturbed her before. But now.... he looked into his eyes, searched its depths, and found nothing of his real emotions.
Shayera's uncertainty heightened into terror; with the rest of the League, she was able to gauge their feelings toward her, and while some of that knowledge wanted to make her puke, it was better than ignorance. She had no idea what the Martian thought of her now: Did he hate her? Was he disappointed? Did he forgive her? Was he in any sort of emotional pain? So many what-ifs ran through her head, her heart beating all the while at a rapid rate.
"What is it Shayera? What did you want to talk about?" The Martian's tone relieved the Thanagarian, for she actually heard some emotion: concern. That clinched it; he still cared for her. She was overwhelmed by a huge wave of relief and joy that she could not comprehend. She was amazed not only by J'onn's feelings, but also by her own; the only time she had ever felt this happy was when she and John had kissed for the first time on that night so long ago.... Closing her eyes, the Thanagarian thought of how much she missed her old helmet, as she removed her current one. She wanted to look J'onn with her own face, her own eyes, and she hoped he would do so as well. Fortunately, he complied, transforming to his normal form, his guise as Martian Manhunter; it was comforting for Shayera to see her friend like this again.
The Thanagarian didn't have to do much shifting through her pocket, she found the thing she had wanted to return to J'onn easily enough. Once she fully pulled it out, she heard J'onn gasp, and saw his eyes widened. In Shayera's gloved hands was a necklace of Martian craft, and to her it was the most beautiful piece of jewelry, surpassing anything offered by Earth or Thanagar. The necklace consisted of a crimson chain, and hanging from it was a crystal that pulsated with all sorts of colors in all kinds of shades, it was as if a miniature aurora was contained within it. As a final touch, there was a silver, two-headed snake wrapped around the crystal, a head at the bottom and one on the top. Shayera had always wondered about the metal that created the crimson chain and the silver snake, what its properties were, if it was anything like the Nth metal back on Thanagar; she had never received a chance to examine it enough to determine its nature. It was much too precious for that. It was too precious to lose. She knew this well.
"I know this was My'ria'h's," began the Thanagarian, as she lowered the necklace into J'onn's waiting hands. He grasped it tight, holding it close to him, caressing the silver snake. "On the way to here, I had stopped by the Watchtower to pick up John's ring, as well as…this." The Martian continued to caress the necklace, but Shayera knew by a glint in his eyes that he was listening intently to her. "I was worried that some of the Hawkmen might get to it while exploring the Watchtower, so I…well, you know…took it. Just to return to you of course," she said, her tone oozing with nervousness.
The last time she had touched the necklace had not been a pleasant experience. It had been in the early days of the Justice League, and Shayera had still been getting to know J'onn. One day, while Diana had been out dealing with an earthquake in Gotham, the Thanagarian looked for J'onn, curious to know where he was. Obviously, she had checked his room first, but he had not been there. Her attention had wavered, fascinated by the astounding number of books in the Martian's room; his shelf had been overflowing with them, and there were a myriad of piles on the floor. Shayera had flipped through some of them for a few minutes, but stopped when something caught her eye. It was the glow of My'ria'h's necklace, its pulsating aurora. Of course, she had been impulsive then, acting without a single thought; Shayera had grabbed the necklace, drawn to its beauty. Fascinated, she had examined it, looking at it from all angles, weaving her fingers through the red chain. So entranced, she never heard J'onn enter, only finally noticing his presence when his green hands grasped her hands roughly and tightly, taking away the necklace and putting it back where she had found it, right on his bed.
Still, even after he had retrieved the necklace, the Martian continued holding the Thanagarian's hands in a frighteningly firm grasp; she had been worried that he would break them. His eyes no longer held traces of orange then, but was a pure, crimson color, reminding Shayera of blood; they had held a cold, murderous fury. He had looked terrifying then, ready to tear the Thanagarian apart, and today she could admit that she had been scared then, really scared, almost as frightened in that nightmare with Dr. Destiny. But unlike that time, during this moment she had been mute, silent and still, like a deer caught in headlights. Finally, that tense moment had ended with J'onn shoving Shayera out of his room, knocking her into the metal wall, his door closing with the usual 'whoosh' noise. Sure, her shoulder had been sore for a little while, but she figured that was much better than getting killed.
Later J'onn had apologized, as did she, and he had told her the significance of the necklace, its relation to his wife My'ria'h, and she had understood, but still Shayera now felt an irrational nervousness. But that quickly ebbed away, replaced by sympathy and sadness for her friend as she continued to watch her Martian friend stroke the necklace, the last thing that remained of his wife. Always she had felt pained to see J'onn in such grief, and frustrated by her own helplessness, for there really wasn't much she could do to ease his sorrow. Yet she still had tried; being a friend to him, showing care for him, talking to him, listening to him during those rare times he vented, teasing him, sparring with him, even meditating once or twice with him....
Although, the most difficult tasks had always been the handling of the nightmares, when Shayera would comfort the Martian in the aftermath of those dreams. Every night, he would toss and turn, and she would always wait outside his room, tense, always deliberating, since nightmares with J'onn were a truly delicate matter because most of the time he wanted to deal with them alone, but she wanted to help him so badly. Always, Shayera's stubbornness to provide aid would win out, and she would creep inside his room, waking J'onn up with an old Thanagarian lullaby. When he awoke, he would always be embarrassed, moving to wipe his tears away, but she would always stop him, wiping away his tears herself, and then she would cradle him with her wings, and after a few seconds of reluctance J'onn would burrow into her feathers, sometimes letting more tears flow, sometimes not. And then he would fall asleep again, and Shayera would wrap him up in blankets once more, actually doing a more thorough job than he did; and then she too went to sleep, for rest was necessary for her as well.
Reminiscing, Shayera finally came to terms with the fact that everything had changed, and would never be the same again. She would never share those things with J'onn again, their relationship would never be the same again. Nor with Flash, Diana, Batman, Superman, John.... John would never look at her with the same love again, never truly trust her again, never feel fully safe with her again. Their reality-no, her reality had been shattered, and she had brought it all on herself. This was all her fault, her mistakes, her sins had caused this mess; they would cause lives to be lost, either Earthling or Thanagarian, and it would all be on her hands. All she had cared for, all she had believed in, all she had loved…all were lost to Shayera. She began to gain even more understanding for J'onn.
"Well," whispered the Thanagarian as she prepped her wings for flight, beginning to put her helmet back on. "See you later J'onn." But the Martian stopped her from putting the helmet on, stopped her from flying away.
"Please wait," he spoke quietly, and Shayera felt that with that tone of voice, she would have listened to and obeyed anything the Martian said; she was certainly doing it now.
Shayera's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and her jaw struck the ground as J'onn snapped My'ria'h's necklace cleanly in half, so that they were perfectly symmetrical. Still stunned, just gawking, the Thanagarian watched as the Martian snapped the chain in half as well; he then began to quickly craft the sundered pieces of the necklace into two separate bracelets. He succeeded, and amazingly he managed to keep the beauty within the jewelry. Still, Shayera gawked. She didn't even flinch when he took her wrist, and tied the newly made bracelet onto it; he tied the other bracelet onto his wrist as well. Finally shaking off her surprised numbness, the Thanagarian began examining her new bracelet; she noticed that hers would fit with J'onn's perfectly, and that cemented into her mind the notion that this was some sort of friendship bracelet, something she had only seen on Earth. But…this was-well, had been-My'ria'h's necklace! Why would J'onn…?
Then it hit Shayera. It hit her right in the chest, breaking her heart: J'onn loved her. She confirmed the truth in his eyes; it held the same gaze she gave John, and he too had given it to her once. J'onn loved her. It made sense. Looking back on their relationship, it made absolutely perfect sense; it was so damn obvious, why didn't she notice it earlier?! Why didn't she recognize the gradual change from friendship to love, the increase in the depth of J'onn's feelings toward her?! Why didn't she catch the hints?! How could she have been so oblivious?! And J'onn…he…he had played matchmaker between her and John. Why? He had loved her, so why allow her to fall for another man? She knew why, since she too knew love; J'onn loved her, so he wanted her to be happy. He thought she would be happy with Lantern, with John. And she was. Or had been. But…how dare J'onn think that she could only be happy with John; she could've been happy with him!… Wait, no, Shayera doesn't mean that, she doesn't meant it; she loves John, damn it, only him, can only be with him, no one else. But…but…but....
"I'm sorry."
It had not been spoken by one voice, but two; a Thanagarian and a Martian. Shayera felt the pieces of her heart smashed further as she learned that J'onn was sorry for loving her, for causing her pain; the worse part was that his love did cause her pain, but mostly confusion. What once was so solid in Shayera's heart, mind, and soul now rested on an unsteady pedestal. Turning her back on the Martian, and putting on her helmet, she once again prepped her wings for flight. Once again she was stopped, but this time by herself. There was one last thing she had to do.
Without warning, she hugged J'onn, holding onto him, wanting to never let go, to never face the future, to remain frozen in time. Shayera was terrified of the road that laid ahead, and didn't want to go forward, but knew she had to; no one could run away forever. Still, she wanted one last moment of solace, and J'onn's love for her provided that. Slowly, the Martian hugged her as well, his arms encircling her and cradling her. She felt him stroke her back gently, and weave his fingers into her crimson hair; he was letting go of his emotions for the moment, and this rather relieved Shayera, this honesty. She burrowed further into J'onn's chest, grabbing fistfuls of his blue cloak; it was such a silky material. Her wings encircled the Martian, and he burrowed into the feathers, admiring their silky texture. For what felt like an eternity they remained like this, two aliens to Earth, one lover, the other but a close friend, but the moment, the hug was comforting to both. Eventually, they both departed, each stroking their bracelet, a memento of their relationship that would hopefully survive this crossing of the stars between Earth and Thanagar.
Fin