I tossed and turned all night in bed. I couldn't get his
face out of my head. Those beautiful blue-green eyes, that ruffled hairstyle
that suited him so much, the cheeky smile that played upon his sweet lips
whenever he knew I wasn't telling the truth, His muscular body, built by years
of crew practice, both here at Rawley and from when he was at Harvard.
Everything about him echoed in my head, and I semi-consciously hoped that his
name wouldn't escape as a passionate mumble as I slept. The night was unbearable.
Morning finally came, and I woke up with a start. Beads of sweat glistened on
my merely covered body sending a chill over my hot flesh. I sat up in bed and
gingerly ran my fingers through my tangled hair, which had come loose sometime
during the night. I glanced over at the clock, noticing that it was already
7:45 I forced myself to walk to the bathroom. I had to do something to get him
out of my head.
I started the shower, and locked
the bathroom door I knew Steven wouldn't come in. He'd left for Rawley at 6am,
like he did everyday. Sometimes I wondered why he married me, and not the
school. Gradually I peeled my clothes off and threw them in the corner of the
bathroom. Sighing I wondered how it was possible that I was totally exhausted
and yet the day hadn't started. I opened the shower door and hopped in. The
cold water shot a bolt of electricity through my body and I fell gently back
against the wall of the shower letting the cold spray slowly numb my body. It
felt surprisingly good. I'd never been one to believe in the 'cold shower'
idea, but yet here I was trying to get him out of my head. Nothing made sense
anymore. Everything that I had once believed in was just gone now. Turning
around I pondered that thought. Maybe it wasn't so much gone, as different now.
Even when Steven let me down I always had Hamilton. Unfortunately when Steven
let Hamilton down it wasn't such an easy fix situation. I ran my fingers
through my hair again, as I leant into the shower spray, adjusting the
temperature a little so it wasn't quite so harsh. The water droplets collided
and sent a continuous stream of water over my face. My eyes flickered closed as
the water threatened to enter them, but it served very little purpose because
my tears fell with the water and continued down over my soft lips leaving a
salty taste that wouldn't leave. It was normal. That bitter salty taste. It
came with the territory of my life now. My life with Steven. I rested my head
against the glass door or the shower. My hand reached up and I ran my fingers
over the shattered pattern that was imprinted on the door. Shattered. My
thoughts ran to Hamilton and Jacqueline. Hamilton had come to me after they
were interrupted in the showers. He thought it best to hear it from me. Steven
never found out. I knew I shouldn't lie to him anymore than I had already, but
I knew he would never let Jacqueline move to Rawley girls, and I certainly
wasn't going to break up something in Hamilton's life which id been looking for
all of mine. I run pictures through my mind of them together as I remember what
Hamilton said to me a few nights before
.
#Flashback#
"mom…" Hamilton murmured
sleepily
"Yeah munchie?" I slowly patted
his hair, wondering when he'd grown up so much.
"I Love Jake." I smiled. He
continued to call her that
"Yeah I know baby."
"I hope you get to love someone
like this one day" My hand stopped and I looked at him wide-eyed. I managed a
strangled laugh
"Of course I do baby. I have
your dad." Hamilton opened one eye and weakly shook his head.
"It's not the same mom. Not like
me and Jake. Not like us…." Hamilton slowly drifted off to sleep. I sat at his
bedside for a couple hours, running his words over and over in my head. For so
long I'd been playing 'happy families' and in the end it wasn't accounting for
much at all.
#end Flashback#
I'd gone to him the next day,
with Hamilton's words in my head. Ready to tell him the truth, but when I got
there we just got into an argument over something stupid. I came home, and
Steven wasn't there. As per usual. Hamilton asked if I was ok, and I tried to
laugh it off and tell him I was fine, but I ended up crying on his shoulder.
Hamilton seemed to understand without me even explaining. I wondered how he'd
take it if he knew it was over another man.
I decided enough was enough and
climbed out of the shower, wrapping a large fluffy towel around me I smiled at
its soft touch. So different from the harshness of the cold water which had
been washing over my body for… god knows how long. I put a hand to my face as I
tried to brush my hair into some sort of style. I was greeted with a thousand
tiny daggers stabbing at me. I hadn't realized how cold my hand was. Or perhaps
it was my body in general. I decided it wasn't important, avoided everything on
my list of 'morning things to do', threw some clothes on and walked out of the bathroom. I rounded the
corner back into my bedroom and let out a scream as I saw someone in front of
me. I could feel my heart in my throat and my breathing was labored. My eyes
started to focus, and it became a familiar face in front of me. Those pools of
eyes, the sheepish smile he was wearing, the 'I just got out of bed' hair
style, even the glasses that sat on his nose a little lower than they should. I
slowly felt a smile coming to my lips as I realized he stood in front of me. I
wondered if he'd known that I was thinking… dreaming… about him. He smiled.
"Sorry Kate. Didn't mean to
scare you. Hamilton let me in as he was going, and said u were probably still
in bed." The look on his face made him look like a four-year old who'd been
caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Quite frankly. It was gorgeous. I found
my eyes unwillingly wandering over his body. I grabbed all the strength I could
and pulled my eyes to the curtains hanging over my window.
"It's fine Michael… But what are
you doing here?" I hoped it didn't come out as grumpy sounding as I thought it
did, but as his smile faded, and a look of sadness crossed his eyes I realized
that it had. I looked away again as I mumbled "sorry" but for once he didn't
let it go.
"Kate, what's going on? I don't
understand it, and I'm not going to pretend anymore that I do." I forced myself
to look at him. The look on his face wasn't one of anger, or of hurt, although
both were there a little, but it was confusion. It shone out of his eyes,
casting a blue haze over things to present them the way he saw them.
I shook my head. I couldn't
answer the questions he had. I had to leave before something went wrong. "I… I
have to get going to school. I've got to organize some new students today. You
know a woman's work is never done. Busy Busy Busy that's me. So I'd love to
stay and chat but I've got to go, as I said… so… bye." I backed out the door
hoping he wouldn't say anything to stop me. I got halfway down the stairs when
I heard his voice behind me.
On my own, I am more than alone
And less than discontent
As what I thought I held fast on
Slips out of my grip
I am as I began
A little more than half a man
Chasing a dream that was never mine
Hoping to escape the prison within my mind
poem written by Alphonso
Dryer
I turned to face him,
trying to understand the words he had recited to me. It wasn't his usual style.
It wasn't Shakespeare, or any other dead literary great, at least none that I
knew of.
"Don't leave me Kate. Please." He started down the stairs towards
me. I didn't move. Instead I waited for him to come to me. I wanted him to. I
wanted to fall into his arms, and never let him go. Even the sound of his voice
made me helpless to do anything. "I can handle Steven. I can handle Hamilton if
I have to. I've been trying so hard to let it all go. But I don't want to be
alone anymore…" He reached me and circled his arms around my waist. I stood
still. Afraid to breathe. "Kate... I want you. I want to have that stupid grin
on my face that Hamilton walks around with after he's been with Jake…." He
lifted his hand up to my face and slowly dragging it down the side of my face
he continued. "I don't want you to have this sadness in your eyes anymore Kate…
It's been there too long." His words fell into a whisper as the tears started
to fall from my eyes once more. "Let me love you Katie…" I collapsed against
him, sobbing. He used to call me Katie all the time. I hated anyone else
calling me that but with him it seemed so natural. Everything about him seemed
natural. He ran his hand over my hair as I clung to him, both of us sinking
down until we were stopped by the stair we were on. Once I calmed down a
little, I forced myself to sit up. "We can't do it Michael, it's just too hard.
I… I don't know how to act anymore. We're not like Hamilton. He's so young, and
so in love. It's just not us." I was constantly shaking my head, trying to
convince myself, perhaps more than I was trying to convince him. He looked at
me. The look that crossed his face was so hard to explain. His eyes took on a
certain shine to them. He leant towards me slowly, his arms still circling my
waist. His lips came closer to mine, my heart leaped back into my throat and my
breathing became labored again, but I realized his was too. I reached my hand
up and placed it on his neck, surprised at the heat I felt. I felt his lips
softly brush mine and I knew that was exactly where I wanted to be. In that
second there was no questions, no problems, just Michael and I sitting in the
middle of my staircase sharing a kiss, which was becoming more and more
passionate. All of a sudden, I couldn't get close enough to him. I pushed
closer to him, and deepened the kiss, and he responded with equal force.
Finally out of breath I broke away first, both of us disappointed that such a
perfect moment had to end.
"I love you Katie." I smiled. Although Michael and I fighting our
feelings was nothing new, it was the first time we'd gotten to this level. It
was real now. He loved me and…
"I Love you too Michael." …I loved him. And strangely… Everything
was going to be all right.
