Family
Chapter One
Carth's parents were still in town from the fundraiser and master naming ceremony party we held on Dantooine. His mother scares me. The day after the party she dragged me off to a nearby space station bazaar, trying to make up her faux pas to me. She managed to get me to buy several different outfits (very un-Jedi-like outfits), not to mention several pieces of jewelry. The day, in all, was homage to vanity and left me with the firm impression that Carth's mother had to have been a saleswoman at one time.
Carth had spent the day with his father, who, lucky for me, is very much like Carth himself. He remains very curious about the lost years and the logistics of all that I had accomplished. Still, he was more warrior than diplomat and I tended to get along with him. I couldn't help playing devil's advocate and starting the three Onasi boys in a game of Nar'Shaddaa poker. Dustil, Carth, and Dane stayed up until after 3am, bluffing each other and staring each other down.
Carth didn't ask any questions about what had happened, waiting for me to come to him on it. There are reasons why I love him. It was several days after the bash, excuse the pun, and I was headed to my particular wash of sunshine to lounge, clear my mind, and meditate. Sitting in my spot was a blonde in meditative stance. Normally, I've have just chosen another sun drenched piece of grass, but she wasn't wearing the customary robes of the Jedi Order. She was wearing a tight red shirt and baggy khakis, with her silky hair up in a bun. She opened her eyes as though she had caught me staring and they were a startling emerald green.
"Hi. I'm Rhea. People call me Ri. I'm trying to get into the academy. I spent most of my time away from my parents and at a boarding school that secretly teaches Jedi techniques, seeing as all Jedi were hunted down for a while."
"Samhain. Western Hemisphere Coruscant. I've heard of it. Thank you for the explanation, but it wasn't necessary." You don't need to explain yourself to me just because I'm the Revan. She shrugged and grinned and before she spoke I had it figured out. Too slow by my account, but I am riding on several emotional traumas. They catch up to a person.
"I thought I'd just tell you a little about myself, since we're sisters and all. I am so stoked to be related to you. Good, evil, you're like mega powerful and wise and everything. Plus, you decked mom. I mean, I love my mother and all, but she sometimes annoys the hell out of me. She has such a high and mighty attitude sometimes."
Wow. I had a sister. A peppy and young one, at that. I closed my eyes briefly and sought the Force inside of her. She was strong, and I had a feeling I didn't know the depths of that strength. She was good at blocking, hiding, but I am Revan, the Dark Lord, the so called Savior of the Republic. I found what I was looking for wasn't there. And breathed a sigh of relief. No one should have such visions of the future.
I wasn't really sure how to proceed from here. I suddenly had a mother and father in law, a step son, a mother, a step father, and a sister. I was still getting used to having a husband. Family, its only use had to be to make a person uncomfortable. "I do not… like our mother. I blame her for a lot of things she did and didn't do. I can only assume that she feels the same."
"Yea, Mom didn't talk about you much. I know she went fact finding not too long ago but she didn't tell us. She also didn't really allude to the fact she was your mom until last night. She had some explaining to do. Dad wasn't really all that upset though. I think that's because he's given up on trying to control me." She winked, honest to deity, winked at me. I couldn't help but smile back. She was so… refreshingly young.
"Is it true you're married? Because I want to get married and be a Jedi too. I think you're a trendsetter!"
"I think the married Jedi trend will die down after the death of me and a few others. Jedi make lousy spouses."
"I disagree, but I respect your opinion," Carth said, grinning when both my young relative and I jumped. I had been too intent on my companion to be wary of his particular energy.
"You can respect it later when I beat you for this." He laughed and slid a hand around my waist. I relaxed into him without thought, automatically.
"So, who is this?" he asked, glancing between us like he knew. Damn him straight to the deepest reaches of Nal'hutta.
"I'm Rhea, Revan's sister. You know, Mom isn't angry at her at all for hitting her."
"I'm not speaking to her," I said quickly before either of my companions could get any funny ideas. "My logic fails me when I am around her." Easily buyable. No, really.
"So, uh, lunchtime?" Carth asked.
"In the Grassy Café. I'll make sure Mom's there if you make sure she's there."
"No, damn it, I am not…." I trailed off at the look both of them gave me. I shot back a nice death glare of my own. But then Carth frowned with worry and I knew he had me. Love makes you stupid. "You owe me for this."
He grinned then, a quick flash of white teeth. "I'll have to think of some inventive way to repay you, then." The flash of heat I felt had me thinking that hormones made you stupider than love. I'm sure he figured something was wrong when the smile dropped off my face.
"Rhea, I'll see you then. It has been a pleasure talking to you. Carth. We need to talk… and you're not in trouble." He still gave me an anxious look as we waved to Rhea and headed towards our rooms.
"Not in trouble, right?" he clarified, taking a seat at the coffee table in our blissfully empty home. I shook my head.
"I killed my father when I was six."
"Wow." He took less than a moment to digest, and when he looked up at me there was no blame in his eyes, only a plea for more information. I shrugged. "Revan, no six year old child kills someone else without some good reasoning."
"He was a child molester who sold me to a child molester that I had killed earlier that evening." It was a cold, dispassionate telling like it had happened to someone else. Well, with how I go through names and persona….
"Revan…" he whispered, easing towards me to hug me. I started, faintly, to tremble.
"My mother called me a monster when she saw me. She had turned a blind eye to all he had done, she let him sell me, and called me a monster."
"I do not pretend to know all of her reasoning, but for any person to not protect their own child, to blame the victim… it's unthinkable."
"I… I dreamed of killing him before I did it. I think that was the beginning of my dream prophecies. I had seen that day before it even played out." He sucked in a breath to say something but thought better of it and hugged me tighter, one hand tugging lightly on my short hair. "That's also why I'd go against the Jedi in defense of the Republic. Do you believe in fate?"
"No. I mean, not really. If the future is already written, then we have no free will."
"Yea, me neither. But for what I was needed to do, and how things in my youth played out to get me there…. I don't know." I really don't believe in fate. Not when I have had my hand in that particular cookie jar.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"The magistrate that found his body seemed to blame me as much as my mother had. I wonder if weepy, buxomly mom had cried her woes to him. Either way, a Jedi found me then and took me to Coruscant for entry into the order. But he had been afforded a front view of my stabbing, and kept repeating the things my mother had said to me. Probably was traumatized by the event. The Republic soldier who slapped him to get him to shut up wasn't traumatized. She smoothed things out with the authorities and did a lot to help me calm down."
"We should look her up."
"No thanks. Whether she buys into me saving the Republic or thinks I am the Sith Lord, abiding my time, I don't want to know."
"Spoilsport."
"Don't you owe me one? We have like two hours before lunch…" I said, running my hands up his chest and blinking my eyes at him. I wanted nothing more right now than to hold him and be held. I wanted the strength and warmth of him pressed against me, wanted his sighs and kisses to chase the shadows from my eyes. The galaxy has more than enough shadows already.
Chapter Two
I was dressed as a Jedi Master, Mutaki style, all green and dark green contrast like a hunting uniform. I would not present myself to her as any other than what I was. I was in my tranquility room, looking for the clasp to the belt when I saw him. A shady Vrook was leaning against my buff colored walls, his arms folded in front of him. "Hi."
"Very lightsided of you, Revan, smacking your mother like that."
"Well, I suppose then you were right not to allow people like me into the Jedi Order… oh wait, where would the Jedi Order be now without us? I don't want to argue, Vrook. I know hitting her was the wrong thing to do, and I am seeking my peace of mind about it now. I am only human, despite the rumors…. I am also sorry I failed you and got you killed."
"I believe Traya killed me, not you. And such recriminations are foolish, Master Revan. Though, I am curious. Did you foresee my death?"
"Yes," I answered without hesitation. There was no use lying to the dead and Vrook wouldn't allow any diversions to get in the way of his questions.
"Was it necessary for your vision of a continued Republic?"
"It was not a necessity as much as a byproduct of what I set into play."
"And if we had listened to you, trusted you, would it have been the same?"
I hesitated here. I could not lie to him, but neither did I want to tell the truth. I'm not normally shy about such things, but I respected Vrook. "Yes."
"How so?"
"You would not have died because you would have avoided interfering with the Exile. Liam would have made her way to Malachor without your deaths. The Jedi Order would not have been so depleted in the aftershocks of the Sith War. But official Jedi support in the Mandalorian wars was counter to my visions, it was necessary to not have it. And I would not have told you and you would not have listened to the Sith I became. Indeed, I had blocked myself from such visions, and your attempts to sever my memory from me only unblocked them."
He was silent for a while, contemplating the past in a new light. "Do you regret that we did not trust or listen to you?"
"No. It was necessary and unavoidable. I have always thought, Vrook, that you were the one voice of caution present in the Jedi Council." He nodded, content.
"I'll let you get back to your peace seeking efforts," he said, his voice and his form fading at the same time.
"Are you ready to go?" Carth asked, pushing back the curtain to my tranquility room. I turned from the empty space and nodded. We headed out together to the Grassy Café. The restaurant was new and surprisingly trendy for a Dantooine based business. The proprietors were Quarrens that were fastidious about almost every detail. The floors gleamed with wax and polish, despite being black and star spackled. My mother and sister were in a corner booth, sipping from tall, loopy glasses that were pretty to look at but not very conventional.
We slipped into the booth across from them, with Carth on the outside to pin me in. I'm sure he thought that one out beforehand. She was staring down at the table surface with no expression on her delicate face. I wondered, suddenly, if she thought I was going to kill her. I hadn't given the idea much thought as a child, and the Sith Lord I became tended to forget such rural beginnings. I leaned forward, trying to catch her eyes and managed to do so. She looked so forlorn.
"I was afraid of my husband. Tarred wasn't always abusive to me, but he had his moments. I knew he beat you more than me and part of me was glad that he had someone else to take his frustrations out on. I suppose that makes me a horrible person. I didn't know he… Not until I went searching for your records… I'm not sure what I would have done, but I didn't know it went that far," Selia began. I let her speak, knowing it was more for her benefit than mine.
"When… he died, I was afraid of what would happen to me. And I was angry at you, because though I feared him, I also loved him, too. He was my husband. Oh, Revan, my precious little girl…" she trailed off, her green eyes luminous. I sat back to pick apart what she said and what it might mean. "I… I am not as strong as you are."
She did always put a spin on my actions to Tarred, made them seem more helpful than they were intended. She would do chores and say I had done them. She did not protect me. But she was right. She was not as strong as I am. She was weak, and she knew it, cursed herself for it. She may have loved me and she may have regretted not being there for me, she may even have blamed herself for my slaughter, but she did not stop him. I did that. For the both of us.
"Your husband now?"
"Alhred is my rock. He is kind, gentle, strong. He is very good to me. He has helped me make myself who I want to be," she said with a sniffle. I nodded and considered the mattered settled. I was not about to gush about how I loved and missed my mommy, but neither was I going to go plot revenge.
"I never gave you much thought and I tried to avoid thinking about him. You do not trouble me. Do not allow me to trouble you," I said and nodded. She blinked in confusion.
"Revan… what about us? Is there hope to repair the years and misunderstanding and all I didn't do for you?" she asked. It was my turn to blink in confusion. I hadn't really thought of that. The Jedi preach no strong familial ties. And I only wanted one, maybe two, familial ties. It was almost unsettling to think of having a mother to call, to care for, to rely on.
"I… I don't know. I don't hate you but neither do I love you." There was no blame or recrimination in my voice. I was stating facts as I saw them. Her bottom lip trembled faintly, then she straightened.
"I will try to have the backbone now that I didn't when you were younger. You may be apathetic towards this, but I am not. And I will be there for you, as much as you allow," she said, almost forceful. I suppose I should have felt… joyous? Angry? Something? I truly felt nothing towards her. She had not been a big part of my life and my anger towards her was spent on violence and truth. But I could feel Carth beside me and I knew he would want me to have more family, more of a backing.
"I… look forward to that." I spared a glance to my now pale sister, who looked a little shocked and out of her league. "And you, Rhea, I…" I began, but she cut me off.
"Call me Ri. Please. I too want something between us." I nodded.
"Ri. I'm not really used to… this, so I may be awkward. Please bear that in mind." Rhea grinned.
"I will teach you to looove," she said in a low voice, obviously quoting something beyond my knowledge. I shot her a half grin and glanced over at Carth.
"That's his job."
Chapter Three
We headed back home hand in hand, bodies brushing lightly. I was hoping to make a quick trip to see a friend before I squeezed into one of purchases from my trip with Carth's mother and we set off to meet up with them. That thought flew out of my mind at one look at Vila on my couch, the raven haired beauty from several nights before.
"We need to talk, Carth," she began. I nodded to her and headed towards another room, evading Carth's clutching hands. I set about reading some current status reports and promised myself I wasn't eavesdropping by being intent on the energies in the next room.
"Vila. I am married and happy. What was or might have been between us is over. And I'm not sure my wife appreciates these high handed tactics."
"Carth, you made promises to me that when you were ready, I would be the first person you would turn to. Furthermore, this woman of yours, Revan. You feel for her in the heat of an uncertain mission, when you did not know who she truly was. Can you lie to me and say you would have fallen for her if you knew, from the beginning, that she was Revan?"
"I… no, I can't lie and say I would have. If I had given her a chance, then maybe. But I was far more likely to try and kill her in her sleep if I knew. And it would have been my loss. Vila…"
"I was friends with your wife, Carth. And while I did not see her before she died, she always said she wanted me to watch out for you if something happened to her," she said, inching closer to him. Carth sighed.
"Then do so, but not like this. I'm in love and it's not the product of a mission. If it was, we wouldn't have survived through so much. It's not easy dealing with her being Revan, with my own shame that I would have killed the person she became if I had known beforehand. But we're still together. Hell, even Dustil gets along with her. Mom and Dad like her; tho, they haven't really said it much."
"Do you trust her, Carth?"
"I have seen every broken and dirty piece in her, Vila, and I trust her more than she does. You should get to know her."
"We could compare notes on you."
"Don't start with me." They laughed and she sauntered out, stopping to give him a peck on the cheek. He was still smiling when he wandered in to me. "Don't tell my wife, but another woman just hit on me."
"She's still breathing, a continued sign that I have not fallen to the darkside. If you want a friendship with her, please pursue it. Don't worry about me getting jealous." I wasn't jealous, not really. I'd have to be a lot less secure in our relationship to be jealous, and if I was less secure, I wouldn't be in the relationship. Besides, I couldn't fault the woman for being attracted to and wanting Carth. I did too. He smiled gently at me.
"I know, Rev. I know you're kidding when you threaten her and I know you want me to be free to be friends with people who were once dear to me. You know, you should try befriending her."
"Oh no. You got one free pass today with my mother. I am not playing friends with a woman who wants your body."
"That's going to limit your social sphere dramatically," he shot back, grinning now. I raised one eyebrow.
"That's okay. I don't need female friends. I can stick to all those muscular Jedi who like my aura."
"That was cruel, Rev, low blow."
"Yea well, I was the Dark Lord. Hey, I have to head off now. There's someone I have to see." I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and headed towards the door.
"That's one of the things I like about you, Rev. You get shot down but you just get up and get moving." I couldn't help but blush lightly. I shrugged at him and scampered off. I'm never really comfortable with compliments, never really sure what to say to them. I suppose that just makes me the ideal humble Jedi. Speaking of the ideal Jedi, I reached where I was headed in no time at all, and pressed the buzzer to Bastila's modest rooms at the enclave.
I had been avoiding her for longer than I cared to admit. The brown haired beauty answered the door in pressed perfection, her hair and robes perfectly in place. She was as fastidious as any Jedi Master I had ever met, but she was far more honest. She stepped aside without a word to let me in. I took a seat on her couch and she sat opposite me in a scoop chair. "The woman at the party was your mother. She looks a lot like you, Revan."
"I take mostly after my father. My sister, however, is almost a carbonite copy of her."
"Have you made amends?"
"I have. We are… building a relationship. I'm not sure it's what I want."
"The Jedi do counsel against such relationships."
"They also counsel against marriage, but I've done that and they still allow me."
"It is against all our codes. You are an exception."
"I prefer to think of myself as a necessity rather than an exception."
"Why are you here?" she asked, in a manner that would have seemed abrupt. Bastila and I understood each other and our conversations reflected it.
"I wanted to apologize for avoiding you."
"You've been more or less avoiding me since the defeat of Malak."
"Not necessarily true. More since I began remembering more. Was I wrong?" I asked, and she knew what I was truly asking.
"Yes. I don't need you to protect me."
"Bastila… I killed my father when I was six, and I knew I was going to do it months before I did so. No person should have to live with that burden and only one of us needs to."
"That's not your decision, Revan. It's mine."
"I disagree. I think it is my decision." I stood. She let out a frustrated sound and leapt to her feet.
"Why must it be your burden alone? Why can't I help you? Why won't you let me? When you were learning again to use the force as your alter ego Morgan you were told to come to me for help due to our bond. You did. I miss that."
"Bastila, at the Rakatan temple, you told me you took my darkside and it helped sway you to your fall. You were not lying to me. I have already done enough evil to you, and I will do no more." I was firm on that. She had saved my life and the bond we shared let her see the base, integral person in me, let me see the base person in her. I could not harm her.
"Revan, I was in a place of dark power, fresh from torture and lies, reeling from a newly made Force bond, and unable to control the flow of power between us, unable to control the enormous strength within you. But I fell on my own arrogance, and I had no right to blame you."
"I helped the fall, and you know it."
"True, the Darth Revan whispered to the both of us late at night. But only I heeded the call. Stop avoiding me, and let me help you… or I'll tell Carth on you."
My eyes widened. "You wouldn't," I said in mock horror. She chuckled and looked at me with a plea in her eyes. "Bastila, you are… like my sister is to me. I'm not really sure how to proceed with you. I haven't had many people who mean something to me."
"You do fine with Carth," she said, a little grumpy. I couldn't help but smile.
"He doesn't allow for any other…. I held his heart, his life in my hand. He handed me the keys to destroy or complete him. I see not failing him as a part of my redemption. Is that wrong?"
"No. Despite what the Jedi say. As Jedi are not as normal people are, neither are you as normal Jedi are. I think you hover too close to a line not to have him with you."
I shuddered slightly. Without Carth… I probably would have self destructed by now, gone out in some blaze of glory that was still beneficial to the Republic. I would have sought some way to leave behind the life that had given me nothing. The line she spoke of was not the lightside or the darkside. It was definitely a question of sanity. To not have someone calm me in the middle of the night when I wake with thoughts full of death and blood, pain and blame.
"I have to go smoochie with his parents now. You wanna come with?" I asked, a peace offering, an entrance into my life once again. I would probably have felt chastised at the prospect that I may have been wrong, but I considered Bastila mine too and I would still seek to protect her even from myself. She gave me a half grin.
"No, but I'll go anyways."
Chapter Four
I was dressed in a jeweltoned red robe with similar colored gems dripping from my ears and neck. I didn't tell anyone that these were Korriban rubies, ornaments from the darker part of my life. I think Bastila recognized them for what they were, and saw my need to be the product of all my experiences. Bastila, Carth's mom, and I were engaged eagerly in a conversation that I had no interest in. Something about weather and summer homes. It was almost crafty the way she snuck that question in there.
"Where do you want to raise your children, Revan?" she asked. I blinked at her several times.
"My what?" That was careless of me. I hadn't discussed it with Carth, hadn't given any thought to what I might want in this area. Children. Of mine. Sweet Arca Jeth's one armed mother.
"My future grandchildren, Revan. Have you given thought to where you want to raise them?" she asked, and I could tell motherly butting in was at work here. I shook my head, opened my mouth to say something and closed it quickly. "Carth wants children with you."
"Mother!" was all he said, warning plain in his voice. But his mother wasn't done doing her motherly duty.
"He wants a new life with all that entails. And he wants more children, specifically your children. He feels you are keeping a part of your life away from him by not discussing this." Having done her part, she leaned back, popping a hors d'oeuvre into her mouth.
I did not need a mirror to know what I looked like then. My pale skin was paler, eyes shocked and scared, mouth slightly ajar. Once Carth stopped shooting death rays at his mother, he glanced towards me, need and fear naked in his eyes. My life beyond death, the only thing I kept for myself in this galaxy, and he wanted something from me too much to even ask for it. And I couldn't do it.
"I'm sorry, Carth, I can't…." And I didn't know how to explain it to him. My fears, my misgivings. I didn't know how to explain to him that I could do so much but doubted I could fill that role.
"Honey, don't even worry about it. I'm not going to lie; it is what I want but… I want you more." He shot one more glare at his more glare at his mother before sitting next to me, placing a hand on my knee. I couldn't meet his eyes.
"Revan, that's stupid," Bastila began. I shot her a look. See, Force bonds are tricky things. To cut her so completely from the vision end, I had to let other things slip. She was looking into my mind and seeing my reasoning. And I wasn't really appreciating it. "Carth, she's concerned that because her mom sucked she wouldn't know how to be a mom. Plus, her dad sucked so she thinks she may get overprotective, or, like, doubt you or something. Tell her she's being stupid."
Carth laughed and swung an arm around my shoulder. "I kind of figured, Bastila. I think a bit more time with her family, her sister and mother, may help ease some of those fears. Plus, she's got a lot to get used to. She's been away at war for so long I doubt she knows anything else. Which is why I was holding off telling her. Giving her time."
"She doesn't need time, she needs kids!" Carth's mother exclaimed, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Mom, knock it off. Rev's… adjusting."
Was this what it was like to have family? All these people guessing your ulterior motives and going over each other's head, and talking about you like you weren't there? I mean, it was cute, in a way. Oh hell, why not have kids? The world spun and dropped out from under me, repainted and reshaped. Past or prophecy.
There was a council ringed in front of me, on the well kept and physically fit side. In front of them was someone with my faded blue eyes and Carth's lustrous coffee colored mane. Tieriana was to his left, a familiar looking male to his right. His voice rang out over the assembly, and though I couldn't make out the words, I could see they were important. Well delivered. Accepted.
"A Jedi Knight named after a Sith Lord," one of the council began. My son cut him off with an impatient hand gesture that looked like one of Carth's.
"I am not here to debate lineage with you. I am not here to ask for my mother's reentrance into the order, or tell you you were wrong to cast her out for not leaving my father. I am not even here to debate that bit of law. I am here to keep peace within the order and within the galaxy," he said, and he had his father's tactless grace, my decisive arrogance.
I was not surprised at any of this. I knew I would be cast out sooner or later because there was no such thing as a married Jedi, as redemption from such a far fall. But if I had children it would be sooner, and my dark Jedi would stay after I had left to lend their support to my progeny.
I was back in the living room with Carth plastered to my side and my hand on my head. "Oh hell, what now?" he asked. I gave him a sickly smile past the pain in my head, genuinely amused.
"Kids would be good. Our first will be male. I want to name him something that you won't understand and will like even less."
"Revan, if it's important to you, it's important to me," he said. I was still amazed that he meant it. I was still amazed by him. And I would gladly be cast from the Jedi than give him up. Our little get together wound down, our guests filtered out. I wandered to the balcony in our bedroom and stared out at the dark night. He came up behind me and hugged me to him, as always. It was one of his most endearing habits.
"If I have a child, he will stabilize and strengthen the Jedi Order. He will be an important figure, powerful, well liked, and will inherit all of my allies."
"Well, that sounds good. I was thinking children in the fun, first steps kind of way. I think you'd enjoy being a mother, Revan." The mere thought of a totally dependent human being was staggering. But to make something good out of the genes I was given, to know of another person with my faded eyes other than my father…. And yes, maybe I would enjoy motherhood. PTA meetings. Diapers. Yea… maybe.
"I want to name him Malak." Carth said nothing to that. "Malak was…" I began, but he merely tightened his hug.
"Revan, the rumors were that you and Malak were inseparable. And I figure you sacrificed him to the Republic, lied to him despite him being there for you. I have nothing against naming our kid Malak."
"Malak used to play games with me when I woke from nightmares as a child. We grew up together, became family. And you're right. I lied to him for such a long time, sold him to the darkside for my cause as well as his. He sucked so much at being a Sith Lord because he was honest, tactless."
"Sucked at… nevermind. Just, nevermind. Malak is a fine name. Let's go get some sleep."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"No, seriously," I began, punching playfully at his arm. He chucked and shook his head.
"Only you, Revan, would say someone sucked at being a Sith Lord."
"Only I could. And he did. He was wanton in his destruction, didn't leave behind factories or things that would make future rule easier."
"I am not even going to go there."
"Oh, shut up." I am who I am. And if 'Almost Emperor' or 'Best Sith Lord of the Century' fall into that description, well, there's nothing I can do about that.