(On a stage in front of a television studio audience stands Jane Austen, somewhat out-of-place in full regency dress but holding a microphone).
Jane Austen: My dearest viewers, I extend a most courteous welcome for joining us this evening, at the beginning of a most thrilling and entertaining diversion. This is Big Brother, a program that places 15 people together in one house for 10 weeks. Once inside they will have no contact with the outside world and not be allowed to leave. However, once a week our houseguests will vote for one of their party to be evicted. One by one their numbers will dwindle, until only one remains to be the champion of our reality game, and winner of 10,000 pounds a year for life. Without further ado, allow me to introduce our contestants.
[on a screen overhead, pre-recorded videos of various characters, all filmed in their appropriate period style homes, appear]
Edmund Bertram: Hello, I am Edmund Bertram, 24 years of age and getting ready to take my vows to enter the clergy in a few months time. My hope in playing Big Brother is to demonstrate that one need not resort to trickery or other forms of immorality in order to succeed in life.
Marianne Dashwood: Greetings, I am Marianne Dashwood, 19 years old, and I am coming to Big Brother hoping to meet my true love. My father recently passed away and my former life is in shambles, so I thought this was a perfect opportunity to look for a romantic adventure.
George Wickham: Mr. Wickham at your service. I am 27 years old and due to the gross misconduct against me by many in this world, and merely a Lieutenant in the -shire militia. I hope in coming here I may regain what was my rightful inheritance and perhaps have the pleasure of acquainting myself with some lovely young women.
Colonel Brandon: I am Colonel Brandon of the King's Royal Navy and am 35 years of age. I understand I am the oldest person competing here, but I do not believe my age shall be any impediment in my winning.
Caroline Bingley: It is a pleasure to introduce myself to you. I am Miss Bingley. My elder brother Mr. Bingley is the current resident of Netherfield Park and my elder sister is Mrs. Hurst who lives with her husband in Grosvenor Street. I do hope in my time here I may make long-lasting connections with some of the most fashionable and genteel families of England.
Maria Bertram: I am engaged to be married to the lovely Mr. Rushworth, but I cannot conceal my anticipation of how drole it will be living in a house full of young single people without any parents around to censure me.
Mary Crawford: I don't have much to say for myself other than that I enjoy living life to the fullest and cannot stand to sit idly by. I will be very much bored here unless I find my fellow houseguests as quick and entertaining as myself.
Elizabeth Bennet: I dearly love to laugh and I am a great judge of character. I can usually know everything about a person after a short first impression. I plan to use these social talents of mine to their fullest extent in order to reach the end of this game. Some prize money will be of considerable material advantage for the futures of myself and my sisters.
Edward Ferrars: I am not a man of many words and frankly would prefer not to be here, but it is the wish of my family to gain money and earn fame in the world, and although I think I would much prefer a small country parish, I must will heed to their will for the time being.
John Willoughby: I am not at heart a man to use underhanded methods, but I cannot deny that money is of extreme import to me and I will do what I must to achieve it. If it means breaking some hearts along the way, so be it.
Fanny Price: Oh, no, you cannot expect me to speak of myself? There is nothing to say, really. I do not feel I belong here, but my dear cousin Edward believed this experience is just the sort of thing I need in order to begin to feel comfortable in society. Please, do not film me so much. What interest could I be to anyone?
Henry Crawford: I have no need for money, I have more than I know what to do with. But this did sound like such an amusing sport. I love challenges and I do not stop until I conquer them.
Elinor Dashwood: I come here for this rational motive that my family is in need of money if we are ever to regain our former standard of living. I am not one to be ruled by emotion, and that good sense is what one needs in order to succeed in this game.
Fitzwilliam Darcy: I am aware that in coming here I will be mingling with people who are decidedly beneath my station in life and of rather ridiculous manners. I have well-placed pride that my superiority will lead to my victory.
Lydia Bennet: Haha, Kitty! I know how jealous you are that I got to come here while you must stay at home! Just think of it, a house full of handsome young men! It is almost better than a trip to Brighton.
Jane Austen: Now that we have met the houseguests, let's look inside the house. They have all just arrived shortly ago.
(Inside the Regency era manor, Elinor and Edward sits on a couch drinking tea)
Marianne (in the diary room): I have noticed an immediate bond formed between my sister and Mr. Ferrars. Though I do not see much in him to love, I surely hope I may one day count him as a brother.
Elinor (diary room): I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him – that I greatly esteem, that I like him.
(meanwhile, the rest of the houseguests sit in the dining room. Mr. Darcy sits in a chair in a corner far off, silent. Edmund Bertram approaches).
Edmund: Come Mr. Darcy, I won't have you sulking here by yourself. There are many fine ladies here to entertain us all.
Darcy: I see no great beauty here, Mr. Bertram.
Edmund: Come now. There are many charming women. Look, right now Miss Elizabeth Bennet sits all alone in the parlour. She will have nothing of my conversation. Why not you go and make her company.
Darcy: She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me.
(Unbeknownst to both, Elizabeth stands at the doorway and overhears).
Elizabeth: (diary room) I thought they might be speaking of strategy and wished to listen in on their conversation. I must say that Mr. Darcy is a proud and arrogant man, completely unsociable and disagreeable. I do not think he will last long in here.
(Later, Elizabeth and Lydia sit with Mr. Wickham)
Wickham: I must ask that you keep what I told you about Mr. Darcy in confidence. I would not want anyone to believe that I tell this tale merely to further my own interests in the game. I have too much respect for his father to do such a thing.
Elizabeth: Oh, poor, poor man.
Lydia: (diary room) Mr. Wickham spoke to me for nearly an hour today, even longer than he talked with Elizabeth. I am sure he prefers me, even if I am the youngest, because after all, I am the tallest.
(in another room, Maria and Henry sit by a fire. Henry reads from a tome of Shakespeare. Fanny sits in a corner, knitting).
Maria: You read those lines of love so eloquently, Mr. Crawford. I could listen to you all evening.
(Fanny, looking uncomfortable, gets up and quietly exits).
Fanny (diary room): I would not for all the world say what I think of my cousin Maria's behavior, and can only hope that Mr. Rushworth is not watching this at home.
(Marianne Dashwood enters the room)
Marianne: Oh Mr. Crawford, would you read for me also? I dearly love to hear poetry read with passion.
Henry: It would be my pleasure Miss Marianne.
Maria: (looks angry and leaves. Sees Mr. Darcy in the next room). Mr. Darcy sir, would you fancy a game of cards to pass the time.
Darcy: (barely looking at her) No thank you, Miss Bertram.
(Later on in the evening, Maria is in the kitchen and notices an envelope on the table. She opens it and reads the letter inside).
Maria: "Congratulations to the person who first finds this letter. You have been selected as the first Head of Household for the season. As such, it is your duty to select two of your fellow houseguests to nominate for eviction. You have one hour before you announce your decision, and may not consult with anyone."
(One Hour Later. Jane Austen's voice comes echoing through the house).
Jane Austen: Houseguests, please meet in the living room. It is my duty to announce that Miss Bertram has secretly been selected as the first Head of Household of the season. She will now announce her decision.
Maria: I nominate Mr. Crawford and Mr. Darcy. That is all I have to say.
Maria (diary room): Well, if Mr. Crawford now chooses to ignore me, after all the attention he showed me at Mansfield Park this summer, so be it. I will show him that he has certainly not touched MY heart. As for Mr. Darcy, he is so remote and distant from everyone in the house I doubt anyone will be upset that I placed him on the block.
Jane Austen: Of course, it is now time for the Power of Veto competition, in which six of you will play for the chance to win Power of Veto. Whoever holds Power of Veto will be able to veto one of the nominations, and the Head of Household will need to pick a replacement nominee. Miss Bertram, Mr. Crawford and Mr. Darcy will all be competing. And by random draw, the other three players have been selected. Mr. Bertram, Col. Brandon, and Miss Dashwood, you will be joining in the event. Place proceed to the courtyard.
(The characters walk into an outdoor courtyard, which has been filled with balloons. On a table ahead of them are 6 pins).
Jane Austen: Contestants, using your pins, you must pop the balloons ahead of you. Inside some of the balloons are puzzle pieces. There are enough here to make 6 complete maps of Europe. As quickly as you can, find all the pieces you need. The first person to complete his map wins.
Henry (whispers to Darcy): We are both men of good breeding and intelligence, and I daresay have greater physical prowess than most anyone we are competing against. I find it important we work together.
Darcy: (respectfully bows his head).
(The competition begins. Mr. Darcy looks disinterested in the proceedings are barely even tries. Maria Bertram runs frantically popping balloons but cannot seem to hold onto them properly. Mr. Crawford easily takes the lead and wins).
Jane Austen: Now with Mr. Crawford winning the competition, will he decide to use the Power of Veto? If so, who shall Miss Bertram choose as replacement? And who will be the first houseguest evicted from the Big Brother house? Tune in next time.