What's up warthogs!" Eric mouthed these words with his perfect lips. His reflection was as dazzling as he was, but it looked at bit different because it was flipped on the y axis. He practiced the phrase a few more times, growing louder with each. His straight white teeth shaped every sound. He picked up a tube of tooth paste when Victoria suddenly ran into the bathroom and snatched it from his hands before dashing off with similar speed. Alarmed, Eric took after her running down the stairs of his house. When he reached the bottom of the stairs he did that thing where you think there's one more step than there is and he slammed his foot into the floor.
Eric jolted in his bed. A bad dream. Actually it was just a bit strange. Not as bad as that dream the other day where all these ants came out of his shower head. That was a pretty bad dream. Also that one where he was shaving and there was a weird alien thing outside the window. That one was worse really. Actually come to think of it, Eric had been having a lot of bathroom centric dreams lately, something I bet a psychology major would be interested in.
"And now you know, what's up wart hogs" Eric said.
"Yeah, uh, okay but that pause in the middle is a bit strange, maybe don't do that part." Victoria was always countering him "also warthogs is one word"
"I knew that!"
"And technically since it's a proper name it should be capitalized."
"You can't capitalize spoken words though?"
There was an awkward but thankfully brief pause in their pre show chat that was broken by Charlie and Laney entering and turning on the lights. Eric blinked hard while his eyes adjusted to the light.
Victoria was indignant. "You guys are late. What took you so long?"
"Well" Laney replied cautiously "we weren't making out"
Charlie, charlie, charlie. What will he do in this situation. Find out in the next paragraph.
Charlie was eating a burrito. It was a pulled pork burrito and it was spicy. Quite spicy in fact. Why, Charlie could barely contain his anguished screams from the spiciness of this burrito. He'd gotten it all over his lips also and that's the worst place to get burrito spice. Oh Charlie, this is quite the spicy burrito you're eating. I would advise Charlie not to get a burrito from that place again, considering it seems to be marketed towards a crowd with a much higher spice tolerance. Unfortunately I cannot tell Charlie this, because he is just a character in this story and it would be rude of me to interrupt the flow of events in Charlie's life just to offer him advice. Nope, I'm forced to watch alongside you, powerlessly, while he continues to eat his burrito. He's not stopping either. Every bite brings a look of anguish to his face, a few tears to his eyes and makes his nose run more but he dutifully takes bite after bite. Later he will tell people that this was a very good burrito and will return to the store he got it from. He will not seem cool for doing this. Dan, the manager of Dia De Burritos, will grin slightly every time Charlie enters his store. It won't be that kind of grin of recognition you give somebody you like. It will be a cruel grin, a grin that looks down on you and casts shame upon your very soul.
"Oh my god, I need some water!" Charlie cried, but in a sort of understated way where he hoped they wouldn't notice his pain.
"Charlie, you probably shouldn't get a Burrito from that place again, since it seems like it's marketed towards a crowd with a much higher spice tolerance" Eric said, being the man I only wish I could be. The moment passed with ease and everybody forgot the making out comment. But I bet you didn't. I bet you are still thinking about it. Was Laney just being the sarcastic and loveable young humorist we all know her to be? Has that combination of words ever been used to describe Laney before? While we're asking questions here, isn't Laney a little young to be kissing Charlie?
"Yes she is and you should be ashamed for imagining it" Victoria declared to nobody in particular. Quickly she made an attempt to backtrack by saying it again but like it was a line in a song. That way everybody else would just think she had a song stuck in her head.
Before any questions could be asked, Mr Denovi walked into the room the way he frequently did, holding a boom box that was not playing any music. This would mark the second time in only a few short minutes that somebody walked into the room when things got weird, indicating some incredible luck or poor planning by the author.
Before any questions could be asked by the reader, Mr Denovi began speaking in a boom boxing voice.
"Alright you guys, we're running late, we need to get a move on. Also I have terrible news that I'll tell you about but only after we're finished filming"
"Well if how soon we hear this mysterious news is related to how," Laney sort of verbally fumbled and lost track of wear this sentence was going "look, I'm saying we should start soon"
And start they did. Jokes were made, a great deal at the expense of Victoria. News was tangentially relayed and they concluded by saying the name of the show.
"...up warthogs" said Victoria. After a pause, the cameras shut off and she eagerly asked about the mysterious news from Denovi, who was standing in the corner.
"Well, " Denovi began what was sure to be a long description "the school's budget had been slashed. And not even by a small amount. Like, we're sharing textbooks and the gym teachers were given a pamphlet on how to be active without any equipment. Well I think it was titled playing without things and is technically aimed at children but the concepts can be applied to other situations. It's sort of like The Art Of War in that way. I guess I'm getting carried away here."
"Couldn't they just use the equipment they already have?" The young and naive Charlie asked.
"Nope, it's a really serious situation, we've had to liquidate a lot of assets, and you know in these situations the phys. ed department is always the first to suffer. Conversely, the A/V club is doing ok, but I'm having a little trouble justifying to my superiors why four white people get to pat themselves on the back every week."
"You mean three white people?" Eric protested.
"Please Eric, you're White Hispanic, that doesn't count"
"My dad is literally from Mexico"
"Talk to me when you're stopped at a border or something Eric. The point is, we're still figuring out the budget situation so for now the show is canceled, I'll update you as this progresses"
"Well gee this could have been some interesting news to put in the actual show rather than that thing we had about the number of internet pages Charlie's seen" Victoria said.
"To be fair it was a lot of pages" Charlie added, smug expression betraying more pride than the situation called for.
"Warthogs" Laney muttered without evident purpose. She was sitting at home. It was the weekend and surely the other members of the show crew were doing what she was: Contemplating a life without that whole warthog thing. She wasn't correct though. Victoria was attending a wedding which was pretty cool, Eric was getting beaten by some racists and Charlie was watching naughty videos on the internet. But still, at various points in the weekend all of them did briefly consider it. It would be bad probably. Not good either. I suppose there's a slim chance that one of them was being held back from a better pursuit by the whole warthog thing, but really, this seemed to be quite the problem, a vital thing to establish in a story
What are they going to do this time? What indeed...