AN; Ended up being sort of character study-ish in the first half. Whoops. First Cophine fic, so it might seemed a little rushed, but hey, I'm working on it.
Delphine Cormier didn't pray. She was never made to by her parents when she was younger, and she certainly didn't make a habit of it as she got older. If anyone asked, she just replied with, "I'm not a believer," though she never really gave the subject enough thought to actually come to that conclusion. It just wasn't in her field of interest. She was a scientist, yes, but the topic of religion was beaten to death in her eyes.
But if she had never given it the time of day before, why was the idea of talking to an invisible entity in an invisible realm so relevant to her right now? Simple. It was because of the woman next to her. The same one who, just a day ago, threw up blood into the sink in her lab and fell to the ground, seizing while Delphine ran to her and held her and shouted her name, because those were the only things she could do besides just watch as it all happened. She screamed out of surprise, obviously. Cosima, who seemed to have been holding normal conversations with ease just moments before, quite literally had to run to the nearest sink in her lab to throw up. That moment would go down in history as the only time the sight of blood made Delphine feel nauseous. She also screamed out of anger and heartbreak, because this didn't have to happen, did it? Why did it have to be Cosima? Why not a different clone? It was a completely selfish thought, but Delphine was past that now. She knew she was selfish. She knew the first time she decided to go against Cosima's moral standing to make sure that she stayed alive, because Delphine just wouldn't be able to handle an outcome where she wouldn't be able to listen to her girlfriend's steady breathing next to her every night. At least, it used to be steady.
Death was painfully absolute, but the concept of it was natural and it never sat wrong with Delphine until the night Cosima told her that she was sick. That night was filled with many 'firsts' for Delphine. It was the first time that she didn't fall asleep before her girlfriend, it was the first time that she had ever been truly terrified by the thought of losing someone, and it was the first time she had ever sat down and carefully considered the possibility of a God being real.
Now was the second time.
Just looking at the same sink that was now carved into her memory with a negative connotation was making her a bit uneasy, and that feeling was intensified as she sat on the bed that her girlfriend was currently sleeping (if you could even call it that) on. The various fumes lining the air from disinfectants added to the unsettling feeling in her head. Cosima's lab never smelled this way. It wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to smell like her; like a steady mixture between the sweet, subtle American perfume that Delphine had grown to love and the way that the girl's illegal smoking habit seemed to sometimes linger on her clothing.
For the last few minutes, she just sat with her legs hanging off the side of the hospital bed, neck craning every once in a while to check on the girl lying behind her. She had to bring her hand up to wipe away stray tears, and she looked up at the ceiling. Not in an attempt to keep her tears at bay, but rather as an experiment.
Against her will, she had often heard arguments from creationists and other various religious figures challenging scientists she knew by saying that their God came to them during times in their life that were filled with intense emotion and desperation for help. Delphine could not imagine an event in which her desperation could be stronger, and her crying said the same on behalf of her emotions, yet she heard nothing but the buzzing of air vents when she tried to listen for anything and she saw nothing but darkness when she closed her eyes.
Maybe she was doing it wrong? Did she actually have to pray for help? Or have a religious history? Delphine was annoyed by the fact that this supposed all-loving God could be so particular.
She would try anything she could at the moment, though. Even if it meant losing the dignity that she thought she had. She had no other choice. Since Sarah had (rightfully, Delphine could admit) refused to let her daughter's bone marrow be used to cure Cosima, she didn't have very many options left. Even after Rachel decided to promote her of all people to Leekie's previous position, she couldn't help Cosima. That feeling was crippling.
Delphine had come to the conclusion that she would have to make the hardest decision she had ever been faced with. Either she would let Cosima die, or she would betray her yet again to save her health and be pushed away by the person she loves most.
Either way, she would lose her.
Unless Sarah Manning changed her mind (which wasn't going to happen), everything was hopeless. Every attempt she made was pointless. She wished that Leekie hadn't been killed; at least then she wouldn't have been put in charge of all of this, and maybe she wouldn't have to feel one-hundred-percent of the blame that would be put on her for Cosima's death. God knows that Delphine did try when she thought there was hope, though, and she would continue to try until Cosima was either cured or dead. So why couldn't He help at all?
Delphine wasn't asking for a cure. She knew that that was too big to ask anyone for, even God, but she at least wanted help with the decision she would have to make in the end.
Surely one path was better than the other, right? Delphine just had no clue which it could be. They were both equally awful when she imagined them, but someone like Cosima fully deserved to live. Someone like Cosima also fully deserved the right to choose what they do with their body, which, in this case, was too leave Sarah's child alone and just accept an early death.
A small sob barely escaped Delphine and she brought up her hand to cover her mouth, muffling the sound of any more that might try to make an unwanted appearance. She glanced behind her to Cosima again to check that she hadn't disturbed her unconscious state. Luckily, she hadn't.
Delphine sighed. She hated being in this room, but she wasn't going to leave. Though Cosima probably wouldn't care if she left and went home for the night, she couldn't bring herself to leave. Not yet, anyways. First, she at least wanted to make an actual attempt at what she had been thinking about doing this whole time, though she didn't really know how to go about it.
How does one even talk to God? How do you even begin the conversation? Is it even a conversation? It wasn't like God would be responding to her, so she quickly concluded that it was not an actual conversation, it was just a desperate plea for His attention.
The more she thought about it, the more humiliating it seemed to her, so she just stopped thinking. Instead, she closed her eyes and clasped her hands together in her lap. Tilting the angle of her head downward, she just began to talk in her thoughts just as she would if she were speaking out loud. It felt awkward and foreign, but she just kept pushing forward with it. Delphine ended up asking— no, begging for multiple different things, but all of her requests were made with Cosima in mind.
The only thing that Delphine asked for that would benefit herself was a push in the right direction as far as the decision she was going to have to make. That was the only thing she needed. Everything else, like the cure, was just wishful thinking when it came down to it.
Truthfully, though she wouldn't admit it to herself, she wanted it to be the second option. She wanted Cosima to live more than anything. If it meant having Cosima hate her for the rest of her life, so be it, because she couldn't stand living in a world where her girlfriend's clone called the shots on Cosima's life and let her die.
Yes, Delphine was aware that there was much more to it than that, but she couldn't see far past her frustration when it came to Sarah Manning.
She felt the bed shift below her and a heavy string of coughs caused her eyes to snap open again. She turned to see Cosima in the motion of sitting up in her hospital bed. Her coughing subsided and she pulled her hand away from her mouth, scowling at the red now staining her palm.
Delphine noticed this, and stood up quickly from the bed to retrieve the box of tissues sitting on one of the tables. She handed it to Cosima, saying nothing, and then she took it from her slowly, smiling softly up at Delphine with a mumbled, "Thanks."
The blonde nodded and sat down on the bed again, "How are you feeling?"
Cosima scoffed and wiped the blood off of her hand and from the corner of her mouth. She glanced at Delphine again briefly and answered, "Like I'm dying."
Delphine's heart dropped, and Cosima must have noticed it from the change in expression on her face because she slid her hand across the bed to grasp Delphine's. She decided to not make any more remarks on that particular subject.
"How long have you been here, Delphine?" She wondered instead.
The blonde shook her head and brought her shoulders up in a small shrug, "Hours."
Cosima exhaled deeply, "Just go home, Delphine. I'll be fine."
Delphine shook her head and, not wanting Cosima to try and convince her, changed the subject yet again, "I actually have more work to do than usual," she began. Cosima just kept looking at her, so she cleared her throat and continued, "Rachel, um… She promoted me to Leekie's old position."
Cosima deadpanned, "Are you serious?"
Delphine nodded.
"Holy shit. I mean…wow. Were you expecting that to happen?"
"Not at all," Delphine confessed.
Cosima laughed and looked down, "Well… I guess that's kinda cool, right? Getting to be director and all."
Delphine hummed and said, "I do not know. I didn't really want to get involved with DYAD deeper than I already was," she sighed, "After all of this is over, I was actually thinking about leaving the DYAD altogether."
Cosima seemed surprised, "Are you sure? Would they even let you leave at this point?"
Delphine shrugged.
"And what do you mean by 'after all of this is over'? You mean after I die?" Delphine winced, but Cosima continued, "Delphine, none of this is over after I die. As long as there's still clones, this bullshit is still gonna go on. Please remember that you agreed to love all of us. This can't be just about me anymore."
Delphine didn't respond, and Cosima leaned back on her pillows and sighed, "…I didn't even get my PhD," her voice cracked, but she cleared her throat to cover it up. This time it was Delphine who reached to grasp Cosima's hand as she continued, "That was the one thing I was working towards. Just to prevent this all from happening, and yet, here I am," she threw up the hand that Delphine wasn't holding and let it fall back down on the thin blanket covering her, "Living out my final days at the DYAD Institute on a hospital bed. Just like Jennifer."
Delphine was about to say something, but Cosima pulled her hand out of her grip and turned to lay on her side, "I think I'm just gonna sleep some more. You should too, Delphine, seriously."
She nodded even though Cosima couldn't see her, "Je t'aime."
"I love you too."
Delphine stood up and finally left to let Cosima rest. She wasn't going to go home, though. She was already headed straight for Leekie's— no, her office. She didn't feel like she had the time to go home and rest. Now, especially. There was too much that she had to do.
Cosima had to live. Delphine had to personally make sure that this disease did not kill her. She would try her hardest to avoid another betrayal, but she would do what she had to. She finally figured out which decision she was going to make, and she was positive that 'God' had nothing to do with it.