A/N: This had been posted on my Tumblr before, nothing new, just fixed some typo and grammar(if I spot them).
This is a fill for the prompt on castlefanficprompts on tumblr : Post The Limey. Castle noticed Beckett was off. Paler, sadder than usual. She then took a sick day and that's when he realize that his acts were affecting her not just emotionally, but physically.
Disclaimer: It's actually kinda fun to this every possible different way to stat this thing. Just no.
It felt so weird for Castle walking in the 12th precinct bare hands. He didn't buy her coffee. He told himself this was because it's nearly noon, so maybe she already fixed herself one, or two. But then he gave up fooling himself quickly. He didn't buy it because it lost its appeal, that hoping one day it'd be returned with more than just her smile. Her confession—albeit unintentionally for him to hear— of her lie was like a bucket of cold water dumped on him, woke him up brutally.
And he never took it easy after waking up from a dream.
But yet he's still here, swaying back and forth on his heel in the old elevator of the 12th, watched the number jumped to 4. Castle took a deep breath, embraced whatever it present to him behind the heavy metal door.
Nothing was out of ordinary. People walking around delivering files, phone ringed every few moment after another one. The white board was empty and pushed aside, which meant no case ongoing.
Beckett was at her desk. (He hated that his eyes still drew to her whenever they were in the same space.) Her back hunched, jacket wrapped around her shoulder, like it's too cold without it, but too hot to put it on.
He walked to her desk hesitantly, not sure what he's going to see. "Hey." She jumped, almost fell out of her chair like his low greeting was a thunder. Or she simply not that expected him to show up that day.
"Castle?" The first thing he noticed was her hoarse voice, not the sexy smoky kind, but the kind when you yelled at the top of your lungs none stop for three-day kind. Or you caught the bad flu, so bad that she could barely talk.
The next thing he got was her face, which paled like white paper. Expect her nose, red from the running nose, judging from the pile of tissue paper balls almost higher than her paperwork stack. And the always lively beautiful eyes were glassy and puffy.
"Castle?" Not getting his response, she tried again. The voice's so small and broke. It's merely her bad heath condition, not his presence that wavered her, he reasoned.
But something was off. Well, expect that she apparent sick.
"Beckett, you alright?" He asked nonchalantly. She averted his eyes, seemed ashamed of letting him seeing her like this.
"I'm fine, Castle, just caught a little cold." She sniffed again. "I'm more surprised that you'd come in today, no case after all." He was still figuring that out himself too. Why was he here when they didn't need him, when she didn't need him? And why the hell she looked so happy to see him there?
Castle plopped down into his chair defeated, chin down. Hearing her moved beside him, Castle looked up to see her struggling up, a little wobbly, a forced smile on face. She turned to him. " I'm going to get some coffee, make you one?"
Being taken aback a bit, he couldn't help but nodded when he wanted to refuse. Coffee meant too much, never just beverage between them. Her action confused him. Why did she keep giving him false hope?
Her lips turned up so slightly you'd missed it if you didn't pay attention, but he knew it's there, always knew. These little things he knew so well about her was what made him thought he figure her out more than anyone on earth, even there's still a big part of her a mystery. But he's not so sure anymore like she's a complete stranger to him now. Was Kate Beckett really that cruel to do all this to him?
"Good, stay here, I'll be back a sec."
Before he could stop her, she's already half away toward the break room. How could she move so fast on that toddler-like steps was another puzzle on his already so long list today. Castle debating if he'd just walked away, but she asked him to stay.
Beckett asked him to stay. How was he going to turn everything off when he still got those butterflies when she showed any indication that she want him near? As her love-sick puppy, but not a partner, he bet.
"What you doing here, bro?" Esposito's voice startled him. He turned around to see the boys stood behind him. Their face made him flinched, gone was those knowingly shit-eating grin they gave him when he showed up on a paperwork day, replaced by the no-nonsense interrogating cop face.
"I just dropped by, and see if you guys got any case."
Apparently, that's a wrong answer because their face just fell more.
"Oh, so it's back to just research, and all of it was about cases now." The provocative tone of the Latino detective rattled him.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"It means, why are you even here if you don't give a damn anymore."
He didn't care? That's never the problem; on the contrary, he cared too much. And see what he got; the woman he loved lied to his eyes when he poured his love all out, never had the guts to tell him that she didn't feel the same and his had to find out when she blurt out to a suspect. They knew nothing. The anger flared up inside him, pushed him over the edge. He took a step forward, just in the reach of Esposito, and grabbed the detective's jacket.
"Whoa, calm down, guys!" Ryan stepped between them, glanced nervously to the Captain's office and the break room, where the two women who'd not so pleased about the commotion. Getting his signal, they back off at the same time.
The Irish Detective turned to the writer, always the calmer one, slowly explained their concern. "Look, Castle, what Javi 's sayin', what we are saying is that we don't know what happened between you and Beckett. And normally that's not our business, but she seemed took it hard and it's affecting her, that makes it our business, we look out for her, and we look out for you, too, so—" A loud scattered sound interrupt his sentence. They all look to the way it came from, and what they saw terrified them.
Beckett's going down, right after the coffee cups she was holding been let loose from her grasp. They all thanked the God that a uniform who was nearest grabbed her arm before she kissed the floor
Castle dashed toward her, the boys followed behind. When they got to her, she already gained her consciousness back and on her feet again, but still swaying a little.
"Thanks, Julian." She thanked the uniform who caught her, ushered him to leave saying she's okay now. The uniform looked uncertain until he saw her team was there.
"Beckett." Castle whined at his slight whiny voice, but it did hurt him to see her like this, he couldn't deny that.
"Relax, guys, I'm fine. Just a little dizzy." Beckett smiled sheepishly.
"No, Beckett, you almost faint. It's not fine. You need to go home. "Ryan coaxed.
Beckett stayed silent; eyes scanned the three of them. She averted his eyes when hers landed on him. Ouch, it hurt.
"Okay, I'll just talk to Gates and take the rest of the day off." Castle looked over to the male detectives; saw them as surprised as he was.
It must be really bad to make Kate Beckett surrendered so easily. Ryan's words swimming in his head. His recent behavior was affecting her. Castle knew it might move her mentally. Getting cold shoulder from your…friend suddenly would do that to you, even you were Kate Beckett who tough as nail. Called him childish, but this was his intention, after all, showing her that he's hurt, he's angry. But the feel of triumph never came; seeing her stand swiped off by his not so subtle avoidance and lack of usual enthusiasm of being around, should be good, but all he got was more pain and emptiness. Now it's bringing her down physically, which broke him all over again.
He wanted her to understand, but at what cost? If something happened because he wasn't mature enough to confront her, talked things out, then this was on him. She would not be the only party to blame anymore.
Or maybe she never was from the being. It takes two to tango.
Castle watched her went into the Captain's office. Then he turned to the boys, so afraid to meet their eyes. "Sorry about earlier guys. I'll take her home." They just nodded.
"You do that, Castle. We know she must do something to make you this angry, but you have to know that she'd never hurt you intently. Don't give up on her." Ryan almost pleaded.
Castle turned back to the bullpen just to see her emerged the office. He walked to her desk waiting for her. She still wouldn't meet his eyes, but he's not going to back down because of that now.
"Captain gave you the day off?" She nodded quietly. "Good, I'll take you home." Beckett's head snapped up, mouth gapped because of the surprise.
"I can go home myself, Castle."
"No, you just went down not ten minutes ago, there's no way I'm letting you out on the street not knowing if you faint again somewhere no one could catch you, or worse."
He could almost see the wheel running in her head, got her brow frowned more. Then it relaxed again, although not too much due to her current state.
"Okay."
The cab ride back to her apartment was painfully silent, even the driver seemed to notice the tension between them, subtly turned the radio louder.
They sat on the completely opposite side of the back seat. Her head leaned on the window, with that deep frown still on her face.
Castle stole glances at her time to time, but she seemed to unaware of it, so he just went and stared.
She looked like someone else now, not only pale like hell but her cheekbone seemed sharper. Although with all the clothes covered her, it couldn't hide that her already lean body was leaner now. It's just been a week since last time he saw her and how come she lost so many weights. Had she even ate? He suddenly realized that she relying on him more than she showed.
The drive announced their arrival, and the sudden halt of the car startled Beckett. Castle glared at the cabbie and pushed a bunch of cash into his hand, quickly got out of the car and walked around to Beckett's side. He slowly opened the door since her shoulder still weakly leaned on the door. She struggled to get out but hardly moved an inch. So he reached one arm under her knee, the other place on her back, pulled her out then scooped her up.
Castle expected her to protest about the bridal style, but it never came, instead, to his surprise, she looped her arms around his neck, snuggled more into his embrace.
He carried her like this all the way up to her apartment, only let her down at the door for her to get the lock opened. After they're inside, he picked her up again and walked toward the room he assumed it's her bedroom.
The bed still unmade, clothes scattered around the floor, so not what he pictured the room of the control freak Kate Beckett. And he recalled from the brief glance at her kitchen and living room that her whole apartment was in this messy state. Every time he set foot in here, it's always clean and neat.
The guilt bubbled up again; this was definitely because of him. She lost control of her life just because he's hurt and acted like a child.
Castle put her on the bed before he could tuck her in, she opened her eyes and all the panic was there.
Beckett suddenly sat up and pushed him away. "Well, I'm at home now, Castle. Thank you for taking me back. You can go home now."
The anger that eased away earlier was coming back in full force. So now she wants to show me how it feels to be pushed away? Then shame on her, he already knew it too well. He thought to himself.
But the next thing out of her mouth put it out in an unexpected way.
"I mean, I'm sick, it's definitely not fun and uncomplicated. So you don't need to stay. I understand."
The conversation when they closed the last case came clearly into his mind, the verbal jab he threw into her face now seemed unnecessary and hurtful. With all the experience through these years he worked with her, he truly awarded what anger could make people do. But he didn't believe he'd be one of them too. How could he say that to her, of all people, when it's far from the truth?
"Castle, really, I just want you to be happy, even what you want now is far from I could give, or I tried to give, I just want you to go after what you want. So it's okay you don't stay."
The " I want you "died on the tip of his tongue when he realized what she just said.
"Why did you say that if you don't fucking care?"
"What? What do you mean?"
Castle was really sick of this miscommunicated and misunderstood all each other said game they were playing, it's time to bring all the cards on the table now.
"Because you lie to me!" There, it's out. Her eyes wide, totally stunned by the unexpected twist.
"You heard me, the bomb case."
"Finally, Detective." He couldn't help but jab back sarcastically. However, Beckett seemed wasn't aware of it, still mumbled something to herself.
"And your conclusion is that I don't feel the same way?" Her tone was unbelievable with a hint of sadness.
As Castle opened his mouth for another comeback, the most unforeseen thing happened in front of him. Fat tears rolling down her cheeks, that she suddenly broke down.
" I'm sorry Castle, I'm so sorry. I thought you understand. No, I shouldn't lie at the first place. But I was so scared. Everything just happened. And I was about to tell you that day. Never want you to find out this way. I'm so sorry." She's sobbing so hard that her body swayed back and forth on the bed.
He sighed, how could he keep being angry when she's beyond upset about herself?
This was just not fair. Love was just so not fair.
Castle sat down beside her, engulfed her into his embrace. He could feel his shirt wet instantly.
"Shh, Kate, it's okay. We can work it out later. Now just breathe. We don't want you to choke on your running nose, right?"
Not disappointed, her fiercely sobbing died down slowly, and then a small smile crept on her lips.
They sat a bit longer in silence, waiting for her to calm down fully.
She's the one who broke it first.
"I love you, Castle."
His motion stopped dead. This was the last thing he thought he'd heard after that god awful bomb case. Or to be honest, he never thought he'd ever heard it after four years.
And this mysterious woman, the mystery he never going to solve, of course, she'd pick a timing like this to burst out the four letter word.
His lack of reaction seemed unnerved her, and she started to squirm in his arms, which brought him back to the present. He looked down at her, and for the first time in that day, she didn't look away. He saw anticipation, hope, some determination to fight for him, and love.
Castle bent down, ready to pour his love back to her on the lips when she dodged out of his reach.
"What?"
Beckett looked horrified, seemed afraid that she hurt him again, so she quickly added. "No, Castle, um, I'm still sick, so you would get the flu, too, if you… kiss me now."
Castle stared at her, still not really caught up yet. And she stared back. The two of them blinked a few time, then suddenly broke out into laughter.
Oh, it felt so good to laugh like this, to laugh with her, and to hear her laugh again, it's been too long.
Until a series of coughs rolled into her laughter, he remembered she's still not well.
Castle reached over and patted her back gently, waited it out. He's about to stand up for some water and pills, then she grabbed his arm panicked like she's afraid that he's leaving.
His heart broke a little more to this unsecured side of the strong woman he knew, wondering how they got into this mess.
No, he told himself, they needed to move forward, not looking back. So they'd talk, working together toward something they both want. But not now. She's sick; he'd get her better first.
"I 'm just going to get some water and medicine for you, okay? Now do you want me to tuck you in first?" Not a good time to smirk, but he couldn't help it, and her surprised face with gaping mouth was so worth it anyway. He took it as a yes and pushed the blanket aside for her to lie down, and covered her up when she's settled.
"Good girl." He got an eye roll for that.
When he back in the room from the kitchen with a glass of water and some medicine in hand, she's fast asleep.
He put the things on her nightstand, bent over to place a kiss on her forehead.
"I love you, Kate."
He saw her lips lifted up in her sleep.
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