Have you ever done something that you thought other people were going to disapprove of you? Shun you away and block you completely out of their lives? Or have you done something because of being shunned away for attention? Drugs, cutting, alcohol?

I think that the reason for doing these things to yourself is because of loneliness. At least, that's why I think I do this to myself. There's so many scars on my body; scars on my heart that aches me so much. The struggles I deal with… they're insane sometimes and even I don't know how I've lasted through my 17 years.

Even now. Just laying on my bed at four in the morning due to the thudding tap of the rain pounding on my roof and window is driving me crazy. I haven't slept since the softball game, which was two days ago. My hand was just running up and down my bare stomach. Shirt was thrown off and I was laying there in just my bra and a pair of shorts. I looked past the double d's and just stared at my sculpted stomach. The most outstanding thing about it were my hip bones. They probably looked like someone could grip it just tightly enough and shatter them.

I sat up and stared out the window so that I wasn't thinking about my hips breaking anymore. My blonde hair fell to my shoulders which caused me to shiver a little bit. My aquamarine eyes stared out the window, following some of the raindrops as they tapped against the window and raced to the sill. Watching the rain made me feel at ease and more peaceful.

Like I could enjoy life for a while.

A smile crept to my face, the one dimple I had showed through, and I felt my eyes start to water a little bit. Why I was feeling this way I will never know.

So I let a sigh escape from my lips and I lifted myself off the bed. I needed some food so I figured I'd make a pizza. My older brother was probably awake by now, so I threw a black shirt on. He's disgusted whenever he sees me in just my bra, which he claims is gross if a girl isn't wearing a shirt around people. Yet he is allowed to hang around the house with only his boxer shorts on. Jerk.

Downstairs I went, hoping that maybe I got lucky and Kadaj was still in bed and decided to sleep in for once. He really needed it, especially since he's an insomniac. Honestly, all he ever thinks about is the goodness of his family. He's so superstitial, it's aggravating.

"Rikku? Good morning, sis." I heard from behind me. Shit.

"Morning Kadaj." I said, walking into the kitchen. I opened the freezer door and pulled out the Digiorno's Meat Lovers pizza box.

"You're going to get fat if you eat all that , Rikku." Kadaj said, staring at me. I looked at him, then I lifted my shirt to reveal my sculpture of a stomach.

"Nah, I think I'm good." yes, I totally just referenced Pitch Perfect.

"You never change, Rikku, I'll tell you that much." he said. I punched in the number 350 to preheat the oven as he spoke to me.

"Well I don't plan on changing anytime soon." I smiled, though that was a complete lie.

"Good. I love you sis." he said and walked out of the room. My smile fell once he had completely emerged from the room. I felt bad. Awful really.

Because I wasn't his sister.

Five o'clock eventually rolled around. Pizza just got done and I was practically burning my hands as I rushed the plate up to my room. I kept cursing, even almost tripped over myself, but I did make it back before I got 3rd degree burns (okay, so it wasn't THAT bad).

I sat down on the bed and I grabbed a slice of the pizza. The cheese was thick and nearly felt like I was pulling a long scarf out of a magician's sleeve and waiting for the end of it. Finally though it ripped off and I was able to eat the food in delight.

Then I started to just think. As I chewed the bite I had just taken, I started to think about my life, and my past. I don't remember when I first realized that I wasn't who I was born to be. Strange things were taking a turn for me at a young age, and I had known that I wasn't like everyone else. Normal people I suppose.

I think I was about seven years old before I realized this. Ten years ago, my aunt was getting married. Of course my family would be in the wedding. Kadaj was claimed to be the ring bearer and I was the flower girl. That deeply pissed me off when I was little. I wanted to bring them the rings, not drop petals down on the ground and have to pick them up later.

That's when my mom had to sit me down and explain to me the difference between boys and girls. She told me that girls are supposed to wear dresses, wear makeup, and be presentable to men (so that we could one day control those men to basically be our bitch).

None of it made sense. I didn't like what the girls had to do. I had never worn a dress before that. But when the wedding came, my mom brought out a plain white sundress for me to change into early that morning. I screamed, threw a tantrum, and I refused to wear the damn thing. It did no good though, because she forced me into it, yelled at me, and she slapped me when I got a pair of scissors and tried to cut it up while it was on me.

I chuckled at the lost memory of the first time I was seen in a dress. That was definitely an interesting day. Never again though did I wear a dress. I just threatened to not go if I had to wear a dress.

I finished that piece and grabbed another slice of the pizza. I suppose this would be my breakfast, seeing as now it's closing in on five thirty. Although school didn't start until seven, it was going to be time to take a shower and get ready for school. There are a lot of reasons why I would rather not go, although there were a lot of positives. It's a new school for one, so I could have a fresh start. Maybe people might even accept someone like me. Accept someone who has a boys soul inside of a girls body.

Maybe...

My thoughts finally went away so that I could finish the rest of the pizza. Six twenty-four was the time. Not bad to finish a large by myself. I smiled when I felt completely full and refreshed. I figured that since seven is when school starts, a shower is out of the question. So I went to the closet and looked around for whatever it is I would decide to wear, maybe I could even confuse people and make them think I'm a boy. I wonder how that would go.

I decided instead to go completely unisex. I grabbed a binder that was hidden away in my tote box and some ace bandage. I knew it'd be hard to get the binder on alone by myself, so the ace bandage was mainly to keep the binder from unhooking; but the tape did make it easier to compress.

I grabbed my black skinny jeans and threw them on. I was careful to grab the ones that were for men so that it looked more convincing. They hugged my hips nicely, showing off the "sex line" of my hip bones. I slipped on a pair of red and black vans and then threw on a Korn shirt. I looked up though at the silver wig hiding away on the shelf. It was very tempting to sneak it into the car and wear that instead of using my blonde hair. I'm not sure though...

I decided I would. I grabbed it and folded it into my bag, along with a nude wig cap. To be able to completely confuse people, I grabbed a few tools I use to sculpt out the roundness in my face. Two brushes and a palette of brown eyeshadow. I'd do it in the car so that Kadaj didn't stare at me when I walked downstairs. I grabbed a white eyeliner pencil too so that my brows matched my wig hair. Don't want people to know completely that my hair is fake.

All of those tools were hidden away now, and then I walked downstairs and headed out the door, waving Kadaj off when he shouted "bye" to me.

I sighed happily when the door shut, and it was all boy mode from there. I got into the car and revved the engine and then drove off. Six forty-five... Hmm. I think I can make it. I know where the school is at now.

I parked at a gas station, going inside and buying myself a code red Mountain Dew and a red bull. When I got to the car, I put the wig on and I rushed a quick makeup job to make me look male. Then I coloured my eyebrows and I knew that was completely ready now. And I drove off to school.

I hoped that I would be convincing enough.

I was so nervous and scared. I kept looking at myself in the mirror. My aquamarine eyes reflecting back at me, telling me that I wasn't good enough. They'd see through it.

I reached up and I almost took of the wig, but when I saw two girls look through the window, I merely scratched a spot on my head and then climbed out of the car. Those girls were blushing and smiling at me, so I just grabbed my bag and the Mountain Dew and walked to the entrance of the school. Now to prepare my voice...

"Rikku Dawn? Oh right in here!" I looked over and it was the secretary in the main office. "Good morning!" She said.

I coughed, trying to further make my voice a bit more like a growl instead of a squeak. "Good morning." Ha. Nailed it!

"So Im guessing you're mother didn't show you the school itself. Well it's relatively small. I can explain where the classes are easily. First floor is English and fine arts. If you look down the hall past the office is the cafeteria and gym. The music room is over there. And upstairs is history, math, and all sciences!" She was super happy...

"Small school. I think I will enjoy this." This voice sounds so much better...

"Yeah. It's not bad to work here. Okay, here is your schedule. Looks like your first class is upstairs Algebra II."

"Thank you."

"Have a good day, boy!"

Well. I convinced her.

I took a breath, two breaths, then checked to see if my wig was on properly and that there was no stray hairs of blonde. I walked in when I discovered that there were none.

I grabbed the knob... It turned. My heart was pounding for the response.

"Oh yes! The new g-boy! Everyone, this is Riku Dawn." The teacher said. She was average height and weight with nice curves-look away from those knockers- a curtain of long curly brown hair, and blue eyes. She was very pretty.

"Good morning." I smiled, my voice capturing a bit of the female I have. But when I heard how it sounded it seemed to fit. A lot of the girls' faces were written that they had immediately fallen for me, so the sound of my voice just made me feel more confident.

"Okay, well now, let's see... Do you see the girl in the back with red hair?" She pointed at a girl, and she raised her hand with a big smile.

"Hi! My name is Kairi!" She exclaimed. I smiled, and then I walked to the back of the room and claimed the seat beside her. It was the back of the room, and the person I say behind was a boy with fire red hair that was spiked back. And on the other side of me was a girl, hiding behind jet black hair. I looked at her, and she was doodling little chibi characters with guns and attacking "Society." Oh my.

"So, the project is going to be due next Friday. Rikku, I'm going to have you do a worksheet for me instead, since you haven't been here from the beginning for the assignment." She smiled. I nodded.

,She began to lecture us about basic trigonometry, and began writing notes on the board. I took out a notebook and my trusty blue pen and began. When I looked back though, there was a folded up piece of paper on the desk with my name on it. Except...

It said Riku.

Riku. The boy form of my name. Whoever this was from, they had been completely convinced. No way should I ignore it and correct them. No. I will be Riku. Riku is my name.

Riku Dawn.

It was perfect.

I escaped the trance, and I unfolded the paper. On it were words that were written in cursive, saying 'oh my god ur so fckin hot! Wat is ur #? We gotta hang! 3' -Kairi

Ah. So it was the red head beside me. Figures. There was no way I'd give her my number. I nearly couldn't decipher what she was trying to say on this paper. Why the hell would I try to do it on a cell phone?

So instead, I gave off an excuse. 'Sorry. I don't have a phone. Maybe one day we can hang out. I have unpacking to do still at home.' Okay, that was a complete lie, but I wasn't planning on that. I tossed it to her in a fluent motion so that the teacher didn't notice. Yeah, I was that good.

The day went on and I was, I guess, complete eye candy for everyone I saw. It was baffling honestly. Back at Destiny Islands High, Rikku wasn't this popular. But here at Twilight Town High, Riku was different.

Sheesh, I sound schizo...

I went on about the day, and now I was currently in my 4th period. I walked in, told the teacher my name and everything, and he told me to pick a seat. I was exhausted so I just picked the first one that was open. The back corner. I set my bag on the floor and I sighed when I sat down. I rubbed my temple and felt sweat. I was disturbed... My wig could fall off...

Fuck.

"May I go to the bathroom?" I blurted.

"Do you have a problem at the moment, Mr. Dawn?" The teacher called me out. "Stay sitting."

I was so fucked.

"Alright kids, let's get settled and start on the book work. Partners only today! No working alone!" He exclaimed, and the best friends and people who knew each other went to their friends. I was left alone.

I honestly didn't mind it either. I liked being by myself.

"Riku, you can work with Sora." He said, pointing over towards the window, on the opposite side of the room. I blinked, looking over and I saw a young boy turn his head. Sapphire orbs found my aquamarine ones, and on top of his head was a mop of chocolate spikes that would've looked horrible on anyone else. For him though, it added to his angelic face and his widened eyes and light blush.

He's cute.

"Sure." I said after a while, and I gathered my stuff and moved to where he was sitting.

"Rikku or Riku? Like, with one or two k's?" Sora asked when I approached him.

Hesitantly, I answered, "one." He nodded and wrote it down on his paper.

"You're a boy?" He asked. The hell...? Could he see past it?

"Uh, yeah." I replied, coughing a little and trying to keep my voice deep and cool.

"Hmm. Alright then." He said. What was with this kid?

"So it's on page 256. The book work? Don't mind Mr. Fair either. He's a pure pain in the ass." Sora smiled softly, handing me a blank sheet of paper. I nodded in thanks.

"I see." I replied, looking back at him. Up close, Sora looked even better. His eyes were more than just sapphire orbs; they were pure blue, as pure as the sky on a sunny day. His hair looked crazy and wild, but super soft, like he was born to have natural spikes in his hair. He had a light amount of freckles grazing his cheeks and nose, and his lips were pure pinkish and they were super shiny.

He was fucking adorable up close.

I wish I could pull off being a boy like that. He's wearing mascara and still looks like a boy.

Damn.

"... Ku? Rikuuuuu?" Sora asked. I jolted out of my thoughts.

"Sorry. What?" I replied.

"I said do you want to even do the worksheet or have me do it since you're new?" He asked. Good grief his voice was amazing too.

"I don't mind doing it." I said, looking straight at him with my aquamarine eyes. I was trying hard not to stare.

"How about we do it together? All the problems together? I'll write the answers." He smiled.

"Sure." I nodded. He smiled and he indicated the first answer.

"So basically what the chapter was about was the Cold War between America and the Soviet Union. Did you learn about that at your old school?" Oh... Fuck. I failed that part of history.

"Yeah. I don't remember it though. I failed that part of history class." I answered in shame.

"That's alright! History is my thing." He smiled, then looked back down and read off, "what kind of war was the Cold War? What was the war about?"

"Wasn't it a war of words? There was no battle physically, only verbally." I answered.

"Yes." He smiled, writing down almost exactly what I said, but then he wrote more down and I figured that it was the second part of the question.

We worked on the paper, I was only responsible for answering the easy problems right now. However, we finished quickly and turned it in, having an extra 20 minutes of down time.

"So Riku, tell me a bit about yourself." Sora smiled.

"Well, I mean there isn't much special about me. I like to play guitar and sing though." I said.

"Singing is so fun." Sora smiled.

"Maybe we'll do a song together." I said, and that earned me a soft blush from him.

"That'd be fun. I've never been offered to do that." He said.

"Well don't get used to it. Some people aren't confident enough with their guitar playing sometimes." I said. Truthfully as well.

"I suppose that's true. I also like to write." He said.

"Write what exactly?"

"Anything really. But I mainly enjoy writing a lyric poem, like song lyrics." He blushed a bit.

"I'm not too good at writing lyrics. I'm better at making the music. My old band I was apart of, they wrote the lyrics for all of our songs. Though when they kicked me out they tried to take the music I made. I burned them all instead and took all of the recordings." I explained. I remember that day so well. Ugh. When Cloud and Leon told me they thought I was a freak when I told them about my true self... They were my best friends. How could they just drop me like that? Snow didn't say anything either... Just stood there.

Bastards.

"I'm sorry..." Sora mumbled a bit.

"Don't worry about it." I smiled a bit. "Just another lost memory." That got him to perk up and smile a bit.

"Do you play video games?" He asked.

"I do sometimes... But I honestly play sports and work out more." I turned my head so that the teacher didn't see or anyone else. Nobody was watching, and I lifted my shirt for the boy to see the sculpture on my body.

"Whoa..." His eyes widened. "Are you a body builder?"

"Not even close. I hate weightlifting. I run, do situps and pushups. I mean I do weight lift but I couldn't become a bodybuilder." I said. Literally, all bodybuilders looked like plastic dolls with a human head on the body.

"I don't do sports or work out. I do cardio to keep my figure small, but I mainly laze around and eat sweets all day." He giggled softly.

"I'll admit, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. I'm also addicted to code red and energy drinks."

"Monster!"

"Red bull and Venom for me." I smiled.

"Ewwww red bull tastes like pee!" Sora exclaimed, earning a shush from Fair.

"Sorry..." Sora blushed a bit.

Then the bell rang. Most of the class didn't finish (because of the loose chatter), so it was homework. Thankfully sora and I kept our focus.

"I'm heading off to lunch. I'll see you." Sora said.

"Yeah, later." I said, waved him off and started walking for my fifth class.

A/U: hey guys! I know I've been kinda dead in the fanfiction world, but no worries! I'm alive and updating :) I run out of ideas for my other stories a lot. Mainly because I don't really try on them.

I know there's already a transgender story on fanfiction, but this sprung on me and I couldn't pass it up. I'm a female to male transgender, and the one that is on fanfic is about a male to female. I thought it'd be interesting to combine Rikku and Riku, especially since they look pretty similar and have the same coloured eyes too.

There are going to be a lot of twists and events. This is basically going to be close to about myself. Being in the situation of being transgender makes writing this story so much easier and I do hope I have full support of the story and my choice to transition in the future. I fully embrace that I'm male and I am definitely going to change my body so that I am correct to everyone.

I love you guys, and happy fanfictioning

-Xander