Tragic Grace

Castiel looked over at Dean. It had been just a day since the Apocalypse had been averted. Castiel knew that it been by the grace of God they had won, of course, but not solely saved by Him. Lives had been lost. The casualties had been innumerable. Many of his brothers had died fighting valiantly as did many humans, but as he looked over at Dean Winchester, all he could feel was grief for Dean's loss.

Dean had fought hard, long, wounded, and relentlessly. Doing without sleep some nights either strategizing to prepare for the next battle or fighting well into the night against every minion of Lucifer's to keep him from rising. Dean had barely nourished himself, but understood that it was the one thing he couldn't deny himself if he was going to continue fighting and win the war so he would take time to take bites here and there, but no more than what he had needed to keep himself sustained. Castiel marveled at Dean's seemingly bottomless drive. No brother angel, not even Uriel, had battled as hard. Dean would only allow himself to get quickly patched up then he would return to the fighting. Only when his body couldn't hold off sleep any longer, when there was no more adrenaline to be had, did Castiel ever catch Dean finally giving in.

Castiel had feared that Dean would crumble under the pressure, but he never had. He had begun to wonder if Dean was really made of flesh and bone. It seemed more like Dean had been forged from tempered steel, willing to yield, but not break. Dean had taken on being a leader with honor and with a natural ease. He was a determined, but compassionate commander and had never issued an order to anyone that didn't require a commitment from him as well whether it was being by their side on the front lines or covering for them so that they could penetrate a demon encampment. Everyone had regarded him with respect and he had earned it with every decision he had made.

There were some nights that Castiel would catch Dean, thinking he was alone, drop to his knees and silently mutter. Castiel couldn't hear all of the words, but what he did hear warmed him. Dean had been praying those nights. Not in the way a truly devout man would, but more conversational, as if speaking to someone, asking for their help or seeking permission to draw on their strength when he felt his was waning.

One night he heard him talking to his parents. He felt intrusive eavesdropping on Dean, but it had been a particularly brutal battle that night and Castiel had been worried about him so he had followed him to make sure that Dean would be all right. His stealth was a gift he valued both in battle and in moments like these. It had surprised him how much Dean had become a worthy comrade and dare he say it, a valued friend to him. He hadn't expected a bond to form between them. He knew that as warriors, they would come to depend on each other, but over the months of learning to understand Dean, watching him fight so stoutheartedly, Castiel had come to respect Dean in more ways than just as a fellow warrior. Dean keenly felt every loss and never took any victory for granted. He would silently suffer and yet return stronger and more determined than before. Castiel knew that Dean was equal to any of his brothers.

"Mom? Dad? I'm so tired…I'm losing good people and I don't know if I have it in me to hold the evil back anymore…but Dad, I know what you'd say. A good soldier never gives up ground…I'm trying, Dad, but I'm so freakin' tired."

Dean leaned against a tree and let out a long sigh. Castiel felt it filled with exhaustion, but not with surrender. He knew that surrender wasn't in Dean Winchester. After going through all he had in Hell, Dean had emerged fighting and had never stopped, if anything, coming from Hell had given Dean renewed purpose if not true faith. That was enough for Castiel.

"Mom? If you can hear me, I'm sorry we didn't turn out like you had wanted, but I want you to know that for those 4 years we were all together, I was happy. I was the happiest kid ever because I had you for those years. I know you never wanted this life for us, but I want you to know, I have no regrets. Your love made me the man I am and I can only hope you're okay with how I turned out," Dean said, a small weak smile crossed his face. "Don't blame yourself about making the deal. If you can see wherever you are, you must know that I did the same thing and I wouldn't take it back for anything so I know that you wouldn't have either…"

Dean took in a few breaths and fell asleep against the tree. Castiel brought over a blanket to drape over him and watched over him. He had resolved long ago that he would be Dean's guardian.

Then came the night that Castiel thought would be their last. He had remembered his conversation with Dean about how he didn't envy the decisions that Dean would be making, yet as Dean made decision after decision, not without misgivings or regret at having had to make them, but making them because someone had to, he had loomed powerful and respected by all who had served under his command.

Sam had been there as well, pride for his brother evident, at first, but still a darkness shadowing him. Dean hadn't known that when not with him, Sam had been using his powers to defeat any demons that stood in their way. Dean's trust and faith in his brother was resolute if ultimately misguided. Castiel had already known that Sam had crossed a barrier that he could no longer come back from. Sam had kept telling himself that he was doing the right thing, giving him the rationale needed to keep using his powers. After feeling the surge of power he felt defeating Samhain, Sam had realized that he could defeat any lesser demon with just a flick of his mind and began to practice it. His ultimate goal was Lillith. Castiel had felt Sam's determined revenge for her grow, almost blinding him from anything else. Fewer and fewer possessed humans were surviving Sam's exorcisms. Sam had passed it off as the human hosts being too damaged to survive, but Castiel knew that Sam no longer cared if the humans had survived or not.

Castiel confronted Sam with his growing concern and for the first time, he feared for his existence, for the world's existence.

"Sam, I think you're treading dangerously close to a darker purpose if you keep using your powers. You may have fooled your brother, but not me."

"Really? And who's going to stop me? You? My brother?" Sam said with a small, icy smile. "I'm saving the world."

"Whose world? Yours or ours?"

"Be careful, Castiel. You may have my brother's confidence, but he'll always side with me."

"How can you exploit your brother's trust like that?"

"How? Well, maybe you should ask how much my brother trusts me, huh? I mean as soon as he's out of the pit, he thinks I made a deal to get him back. Some trust he had."

"You lied to him about using your powers –"

"Yeh, because I didn't want his holier-than-thou lecture about what it would lead to. I've saved all of you by taking out demons barely lifting a finger. You should be thankful."

"Do you hear yourself?" Castiel asked, shocked at Sam's tone.

"Yeh, for the first time, I do hear myself. Soon it'll be my voice you'll be hearing giving all the orders."

"I can't let you get away with this," Castiel said.

Sam straightened to his full height, his eyes flashing ever so slightly a golden yellow in the dim light.

"Try and stop me and I'll wipe you off the face of the Earth," Sam threatened.

Castiel stood quiet, not yielding to Sam's threat, but realizing that angering Sam any further could only mean worse things, so he stood silent.

"Angels…you're all weak. To think I prayed to you and your God. You're no better than the demons. At least they don't hide behind false promotion."

Castiel just stood firm and watched Sam walk away.

Later that evening, Castiel, his heart heavy over what he had witnessed, approached Dean to tell him what had happened.

"Dean, we have to talk…about Sam."

Dean looked up from his plans. It was then Castiel noticed something on Dean's face that he hadn't before. In the dim camp light, he could see that Dean had looked visibly pained, slumped as if carrying a great weight. Dean tried to stand, but between sleepless nights, minimal nourishment and endless fighting, he wavered on shaky legs and from deep exhaustion. Castiel caught him and helped him sit down again.

"What? What is it?" Castiel asked, concerned.

"I know about Sam. I've known for awhile."

Castiel looked shocked and in disbelief.

"But…you've…"

"Sent him on missions, allowed him to exorcize demons, knowing he'd probably kill the host? Yeh, I have and believe me, I hated doubting him. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe it, but one night I followed him and heard him taunt an innocent possessed by a demon. Saying that he had the power of life and death over them both and that they should respect him. I…was sick…I thought about confronting him, doing what I usually do, get all tough love on him, but I realized that it's my fault he's turning this way. I made him this way."

"Dean –"

"No, it's true. Both our dad and me, we always made him feel small, helpless…"

"Maybe your father, but not –"

"No, me too. You don't need to sugar coat it, Cas. I'm a big boy. I protected him too much and that protection, translated into distrust for Sam. Oh, I don't think he thought of it that way at first even when he got really frustrated, but once he tasted his powers…his point of view…it changed. It's like what Ruby told me Hell would do to me, strip me of my humanity."

"But that didn't happen."

"Given enough time, it would have. Guess I have you and God to thank for not letting that happen, huh?" Dean lightly joked. "No, Sam tapping into his powers, stripped him of the Sammy I know and in his place is some sick version of the yellow-eyed demon. Sam is still in there, as good as possessed and I have to reach that Sam before it goes too far, before he goes too far."

"It's already gone too far, Dean."

"Maybe, but I can't let myself believe that it has. I have to believe that I can reach Sammy in there. I know he's there."

Castiel could only stare in awe at Dean's belief, in his faith in his brother, but he could also feel Dean's painful decision, seeing it finally materialize on Dean's haggard face.

"I understand," was all Castiel could say.

oooo

A few days later, Dean could no longer deny Sam's strength growing out of control as he watched Sam grab Bobby and try to hurt him. A man both felt was as close to a father as they had. He couldn't let Bobby get hurt.

"Sam, let Bobby go."

"He attacked me."

"To protect another hunter, Sam. You were hurting her. Please, let Bobby go," Dean asked softly.

Sam looked into Dean's tired eyes and something inside of him stirred, something he hadn't felt in months. Love. Love for his brother. He dropped Bobby to the ground.

"Bobby? You all right?" Dean asked.

"Yeh, yeh," Bobby coughed as fellow hunters dragged him out of harm's way.

"Sammy, you've got to stop this."

"Stop what? Saving all of your asses?" The evil Sam said as it returned.

"From using your powers."

"Why? You didn't seem to mind when it served your purpose. You're a hypocrite, Dean, just like the angels."

Dean's eyes began to fill with tears, seeing his baby brother acting so angry, so unlike the compassionate, young man who would often have to remind him of what being human meant, who had wanted to lift Dean's burden from his memories of Hell.

"Sammy, you can fight this."

"Who says I want to?"

"You do. The Sammy I know –"

"That Sam is gone. A new and improved model took his place."

"No, no, he's still here because I can feel him. You aren't him. You're just a monster in his meat suit."

"I'm not possessed, Dean. This is me. This is what I am. This is what I want to be."

Dean shuddered at how close those words were to the hallucination of Sam that he had when he had been infected with the yellow fever.

"No. Sam doesn't want this. He would never want this. I know that and he knows I'm here for him, that all he needs to do is fight and I'll be there to help him. It's always been that way. We're there for each other."

Sam's face flittered with pain and it became lined with sadness. Dean knew he had his moment and had to hurry before he lost it.

"Sammy, I'm sorry. I should have been a better brother. I should have trusted you more, but believe me, it wasn't because I didn't trust you. It was because I didn't trust myself. I didn't want to lose you. I protected you too much I know that now. Please say you'll forgive me and come back."

Dean watched as he pleaded with his brother, much like he had pleaded to their father to fight the demon in him. This was harder though. The yellow-eyed demon's blood was inside Sam and Sam had to fight its influence to destroy it.

"Dean…I can't…it's inside me, inside my blood. I can't take it out of me."

"Yes, you can, Sammy. You're more than just blood, more than just the demon blood. You have Mom and Dad's blood in you too like I do. You have to let that win. You can do it."

Sam felt pain hit his chest and fell to his knees. Dean rushed over, but just as quickly, Sam's head bobbed up, repossessed by the evil Sam. He lifted his hand up and grabbed Dean's throat. As Dean began to choke, Castiel tried to step in.

"No, no, please Cas. Let me do this…I…have to do this," Dean pleaded and faced Sam." You're my brother, Sam. Not a demon. You can fight this. "

Sam's face changed again.

"No, no, I couldn't fight off Meg. I can't fight yellow eyes."

"Sam, look at me."

Sam did.

"You're my brother, man…nothing can defeat Sam Winchester…nothing…you hear me?"

As Dean struggled, feeling air and life ebbing out of him, Sam regained some control over his body and reached into his jacket to get Ruby's knife. He lifted it out, his other hand still gripping Dean's throat. Dean watched helplessly as he realized what Sam was going to do.

"No, no, Sam…not that way."

Sam looked at his brother.

"It's the only way to get the blood out of me, Dean."

Sam then quickly thrust the knife into his chest, barely yelled out in pain and his grip on Dean released.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not this way!!!!" Dean cried out in emotional agony.

He ran over to Sam and carefully pulled out the knife, fighting off the sick feeling that came over him. He cradled his brother, an awful sense of déjà vu seizing him, reminding him of the last time he had held his brother, helpless to save him, only able to hold him as he died in his arms.

"Sam, Sam…"

"Dean?" Sam said, his voice weak, but a smile appearing on his face. "Thanks."

"For what?" Dean asked, sobbing, his voice barely audible.

"For saving me," Sam said, his face then switching to concern. "I'm sorry for everything."

"Nothing you gotta be sorry about, Sammy. You weren't yourself. And for the record, I didn't save you. You saved yourself."

"You…you always believed in me…even when I didn't, even when Dad didn't. I call that saving…you saved my soul, Dean."

Dean hitched in a breath, finding it hard to breathe, let alone talk.

"You're my brother. If you can't believe in your own brother, who can you believe in, huh?" Dean joked feebly then turned somber and serious. "Don't leave me, Sammy. I can't do this alone."

"Yeh, you can…" Sam shuddered. "Yellow eyes has lost…I was his last hope. It's finally over. I'm glad it's over."

"Sammy…" Dean cried.

Sam lifted his arm up to touch Dean's chest.

"Keep fighting, Dean…You have Cas to help you now…I know you'll win."

Sam's eyes closed then opened to slits.

"Do you think Heaven will take me?"

Dean was taken aback by the question and had no answer.

"I know it will, Sam," Castiel said, hoping to help Dean. "God will welcome you."

Sam smiled weakly then went still. Dean looked up at Cas, his eyes red, his cheeks drenched in tears.

"Thank you," Dean rasped with gratitude in his voice.

Castiel just nodded.

oooo

After Sam's death, Dean had resumed fighting, seemingly even harder than he had before. Castiel could see the haunting grief in his eyes and knew Dean was doing all he could just to keep going. He had denied himself food and sleep even more after Sam's death, resolved to ending things as quickly as possible, refusing to give up or give in until it was finally over. Still, though riddled with pain and desolation, he had offered compassion and comfort to his warriors and had never relinquished his clear-headed authority to his grief.

Months later, Castiel and Dean had finally defeated Lillith with the same knife that had killed Sam. Dean took pleasure in exacting the final blow to her and like he had with the yellow-eyed demon, declaring to him that he had killed him on behalf of their mother, Dean relished telling Lillith, as she faded into oblivion, "That was for Sam."

The last seal had been saved from being broken. Lucifer had been kept from rising. The world had been rescued, oblivious to what could have happened.

When Sam had died, Bobby and Dean, with Castiel watching, had salted and burned Sam's body, but Dean had kept some of Sam's ashes with him, to remind him that he had to finish the war for Sam. Once the Apocalypse had been averted, everyone hugging and dispersing back into their everyday lives, Dean had decided to drive to Stanford with Sam's remains. In the dark of night, near the dormitory where he had awakened Sam 4 years ago to bring him back into the hunting life, he scattered the ashes.

"This is where you should have stayed, where I should have left you, where you should have had a chance at a normal life. I know that you'd tell me that you couldn't have escaped your destiny, that it had been set the moment yellow-eyes fed you his blood, the moment Mom had made her deal, but give your big brother a break here just to pretend, to imagine you as a yuppie lawyer, with Jess as your wife, little rugrats running around you with that white picket fence, okay?"

Dean then walked back to the car, sat in it and allowed the full weight of his weariness hit him. When he looked over at the passenger seat, hoping to find Sam there, hoping it was 4 years ago, he, instead, found Castiel there and wasn't disappointed.

"So, what does God have in store for me now," Dean asked tiredly.

"He wants you to live your life, Dean" Castiel said. "Just as Sam would have wanted for you."

Dean looked at him, surprise on his face.

"You think so, huh?" Dean said then paused to take in a shaky breath. "I have no life without Sam. Besides, like my mom, I could never raise a family in this life."

"Then leave hunting."

"And do what exactly? No, I'm not going to kid myself. I know what I do best. There will always be something evil to kill. Anyway, I don't think I could leave it even if I wanted to. Hell, I have wanted to, a lot of times, but something's always stopped me…Sam stopped me. I can't let innocents die. I can't walk away from it."

Castiel nodded.

"What about you?" Dean asked.

"I will always serve my Father. I know nothing else."

"Huh, same boat then."

Castiel softly laughed.

"Dean, thank you."

"Huh? For what?"

"Remember when I said that I wasn't sure if I knew right from wrong anymore?"

Dean nodded.

"Well, now I do. You saved me from falling from grace, Dean."

"You know, I hate it when you play the 'hero' card on me," Dean joked.

Castiel smiled at Dean's ability to maintain his humor, his humility, his humanity through all that he had gone through.

Dean took in a deep breath and Castiel knew losing Sam would be a wound that would never fully heal for Dean, but he also knew that Dean would persevere. Dean was a survivor above all else. He would live out his time and when it was over, he would be embraced in Heaven and reunited again with his brother. Castiel was certain of that and knowing it gave him comfort.

FIN. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.