A/N: This parody was inspired by the cracked (dot) com article poking fun at Twilight. I intend to do the same here. Don't get me wrong, for many years I loved Twilight. What kills me about major teen-sensations is blind acceptance. People refuse to admit that there is anything wrong with their obsession and shun parodies. Frankly, I find that really annoying. Luckily, I'm not "obsessed" in the way twi-hards use the word. I'm just poking fun in what grammatical and story errors I have read in the series. Don't expect great writing style here, in fact, I avoided it at all costs.

Chagrin Topaz Sparkles

I woke up for the one-billionth time next to my sexy, Adonis, glittering, god-like fiancée, Edward. And did I mention he's a vampire? Well I shouldn't have to because he has sexy topaz eyes that melt like butterscotch and probably taste like that too. OBVIOUSLY, he has to be a vampire. Because real vampires sparkle. Not like those icky ones that burn and don't have butterscotch (yummmm… butterscotch) eyes. Anyways, he turned over to look in my chocolate depths in order to convey how much he loved me even though he doesn't want to have sex. I'd take sexually repressive eye-fucking over the real thing any day because I'm just awesome like that.

My oblivious dad, Charlie had left to go fishing for the day, so Eddiekins carried me on his back to our meadow. I didn't get sick anymore because he was sooooo perfect that his running was flawless and it didn't jar me the slightest.

"OMIGOSH! IT'S A UNICORN" I screamed. Just as I noticed that, my sexy, marble, Adonis topaz vampire jumped and started drinking it. But that's ok because he drinks blood and one day I want to drink blood and become a vampire and have shimmering topaz eyes and glitter in the sun and have lots of rough vampire sex…

"Bella… you're doing it again," Edward whispered in a sexy smooth dazzling musical voice. Oh I'd gone off on a brain tangent again and completely lost track of time. Charlie should wonder were I've been but that's ok because he's obviously fine with the fact that I'm getting married to someone who dumped me on my ass and only came back after…

"BELLA" he yelled again. I blushed in chagrin. Hmmmm chagrin, what a wonderful word. I wonder how many times someone could use it in a novel and not be burnt at the stake. We rode back to Charlie's house in his shiny Volvo because vampires have to ride shiny cars. I always wondered why a bilionare would buy a Volvo. Wait… didn't we run here? Oh well, Alice must have been spying on us again. But that's ok. Apparently having no privacy and an overprotective, control freak fiancée is normal.

We arrived at my house 2.455 seconds later after (much to my chagrin) successfully running over 3 cats, 4 people, and 5 more unicorns. Luckily, there is only one police officer in Forks and he was currently burning the house down in an attempt to boil water for pasta. I looked into my sexy fiancee's burning topaz eyes and laughed.

"What's so funny, my clumsy beauty?" he asked

"Butterscotch chagrin" I responded.

"You know, sometimes I'm estatic that I cant read your mind…"

Of course I couldn't really hear him. I was too distracted by his rock-hard Adonis abs. So distracted, in fact, that I tripped and pushed Charlie into the gas burning, successfully setting him and then the house on fire. I blushed in chagrin… again… and Edward whisked me outside with his super-awesome vampire speed. He gave me a look that mad my stomach full-full of ladybugs. Or was it butterflies, or butterscotch topaz?

"You know what, I can do so much better than you, I'm freaking Edward Cullen!" And with that, he left at vampire speed. I somehow ended up back in the middle of the forest, and passed out due to the misery of not being able to see the glittering topaz eyes and rock hard abs of my super sexy Adonis boyfriend.

The End?

A/N: So FYI, I'm poking fun at the series. Of course, for a long time I loved the Twilight series. In my opinion, true fans can point out flaws in the series. If we all blindly accepted whatever is thrown at us, then we look dumb. Everything has room for improvement and I may be the first fan to point out that some of the aspects of the book are a little iffy. Review if you want me to continue with the parody.