A/N: This is a continuation of Zura Fairy Tales as started by SN yourself for possibly dangerous levels of crack.
Disclaimer: I owneth not this fine Tama of Gin, but I love it so. Oh how I love it!
Revenge of the Rapunzel The Laputa Strikes Back!
by Finite Sledgehammer
"Are you sure you're not hurt!" Shinpachi squeaked, trying once again to move the beam.
"We're fine - we just can't get enough leverage to lift the damn thing." Gintoki shook his head, pushing the beam a little to demonstrate. He could move it by himself, with Zura's help they could move it a little more, but they couldn't move it enough to wriggle out from under it, and the pile of debris on top. Luckily, while they were certainly pinned, they were not being crushed.
"It looks like - "
"I know what it looks like!" Gintoki barked. "We're 100% fine, just go get Kagura!"
"He's not lying, Shinpachi-kun." Zura reassured. "Leader shouldn't have any trouble moving this."
Shinpachi opened his mouth to protest, closed it again to scowl at them, then turned and trotted off.
"Oi! If you pass a convenience store could you grab me a Klondike Bar or something!" Gintoki shouted as the boy moved out of sight.
"Now is not the time for ice cream." Zura admonished.
"I can have ice cream if I damn well please - especially when I'm trapped under a load bearing beam that someone wasn't supposed to cut!" Gintoki hissed, leaning his head to the side to glare at Zura.
"Not someone, Katsura!" Zura snapped automatically. "And if you had bothered to mark which beams to demolish more clearly I wouldn't have done it!"
"I did. Red beams are demolish, green beams are keepers." Gintoki said flatly.
"This beam is... oh it is green. Silly me!" Zura laughed. "Oh, this reminds me of a story..."
"Oh god..." Gintoki groaned. This, this right here was why he didn't let Zura work with them. Wanted criminal aside, the man was just grossly incompetent. Why did Hasegawa, Tsukuyo, Otae, Tama, that homeless guy, Kyuubei, Gengai, and the Shinsengumi all have to be busy this week? They didn't normally need four people for things, but this re-model job was just too big for three people. If it was straight up demolition he and Kagura woulda had the building down in ten minutes. Re-modeling? In two weeks? At least four people. "Not now, Zura."
"Not Zura, Katsura. Anyway, have you ever heard the story of Rapunzel?"
"Yes."
"How about Rapunzel's Revenge?"
"Here we go... " Gintoki grumbled.
"Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman named Rapunzel," Zura started in his storytelling voice, which wasn't much different than his normal tone. "She had three kilometers of amazing blond hair."
"Isn't that a little excessive?" Gintoki drawled, staring boredly at the gaping hole in the ceiling.
"Of course, it's a fairy tale!" Zura laughed. "She lived alone in a tower until one day, Mario-kun and Luigi-kun came in search of a princess."
"She was in another castle, the end." Gintoki attempted to move the beam again, with less-than-stellar results. If he wasn't contorted so weirdly he was pretty sure he could move the beam enough to wiggle out, but he just couldn't get his arms at the right angles to do it.
"Ha ha ha, of course not! They needed Rapunzel's amazing horseshoe-throwing ability to help them on a quest! Bowser had joined forces with Lord Voldemort and had stolen the Laputa right out from under Rumpelstiltskin's nose! The only way to get it back was to lasso it with a horseshoe tied to Rapunzel's hair!"
Gintoki was silent for a few moments. "You hit your head pretty bad, didn't you?"
"Goodness no, I was wearing a hardhat." Zura chuckled. "So, Mario-kun, Luigi-kun and Rapunzel-chan set off in search of the Laputa. As they were walking through an enchanted forest, they met a magnificent unicorn! And he told them that lassoing the Laputa was only the beginning; they would need three relics to act as keys to reach the heart of the castle where Bowser and Voldemort were hiding."
"A Famico, a bottle of diet soda, and Nabeshin's left sock." Gintoki muttered vaguely.
"A Fam - yes! How did you know!" Zura gasped.
Gintoki blinked a few times. Zura wasn't like... contagious, was he? "Just guessing."
"Good guesses! Yes, a Famico, a bottle of diet soda, and Nabeshin-dono's left sock." Zura continued, "The unicorn gave them a bottle of diet soda to help them along, and told them that the Famico could be found in the glove compartment of a Volkswagen Thing, but he had no idea where the Thing could be found. Also, that they would have to fight Nabeshin-dono for his left sock, and that he was vulnerable to Vaseline."
Gintoki twisted around as much as he could to shoot Zura a strange look.
"They wandered the desert for many days and nights in search of the Thing, finally locating one near the Sarlaac pit. They were able to trade a bushel of mushrooms to Jabba the Hutt for a chance to search the Thing for anything useful. They retrieved the Famico, but Jabba betrayed them and tried to dump them in the Sarlaac pit!" Zura gasped for dramatic emphasis. Gintoki pretended to be asleep.
"Just when it seemed all hope was lost, Doraemon appeared with an army of Jawas! They overwhelmed Jabba and his forces and set Mario-kun, Luigi-kun and Rapunzel-chan free! They told him of their quest and he agreed to help, informing them that the only person capable of defeating Nabeshin-dono was Jackie Chan covered in Vaseline."
"What!" Gintoki yelped. "Wait, never mind, I don't want to know. Shouldn't the kids have gotten back by now?"
"It gets better!" Zura laughed. "Doraemon leads them down the Path of the Nose to Jackie Chan's crystal palace. Jackie agrees to help them, so long as they carry his giant vat of Vaseline for him. Finding these terms agreeable, our heroes set off in search of Nabeshin-dono, locating him at the Starbucks in Shibuya Crossing. As expected, Nabeshin-dono refuses to lend them his left sock, and he zaps Jackie with an afro beam. Nabeshin-dono assumes that Jackie is down for the count, when it is revealed that Jackie dove to the side, and into his vat of Vaseline!"
"KAGURAAAAAAAAA!" Gintoki cried. "SHINPACHIIIIII! HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLP!"
"Nabeshin is shocked! And tries to fire off another beam, but it slides harmlessly off the Vaseline!"
"SOMEBODY! ANYBODYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
"Jackie charges at Nabeshin and tackles him! Nabeshin tries to escape, but everything is too slippery! But Jackie manages to remove his left shoe, and sock..."
"I PROMISE I'LL BE GOOOOOOD! I WON'T DRINK AS MUCH OR EAT AS MUCH SUGAR AND I'LL PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!"
"At which point Nabeshin-dono explodes in a puff of green smoke! It turns out that a toad amanto had been masquerading as him for years, and the power supply of his cloaking device was hidden in the left sock!"
If Gintoki could facepalm, he would.
"So, with their three relics in hand, Doraemon, and Jackie Chan Covered in Vaseline, they set off in search of the Laputa!"
"After a long travel montage, they find the fabled castle. Rapunzel astride Yoshi (whom has eaten a blue shell and thus has wings), catch up to the Laputa. She ties a horseshoe to the end of her hair, and lassoe's it with great ease! Mario-kun, Luigi-kun, Doraemon and Jackie Chan Covered in Vaseline -"
"Why is that part of his name now! Wouldn't he have washed it off by then!" Gintoki barked.
"It's magical Vaseline, it doesn't come off easily." Zura replied curtly. "And it adds +10 defense, and +15 speed. Anyway, they're all impressed with her lassoing abilities. Rapunzel-chan and Yoshi secure the Laputa and wait on the ground, while Mario-kun, Luigi-kun, Doraemon, and Jackie Chan Covered in Vaseline climb her hair up to the castle."
"How could Jackie Chan climb her hair if he was covered in Vaseline?" Gintoki furrowed his brow.
"It's Jackie Chan. He can do anything." Zura scoffed. "When they reach the castle, they're confronted by a horde of hamsters. Doraemon gives them Nabeshin-dono's left sock, and they quickly disappear with it, leaving the way clear. Their next foe is is none other than Katsushika Hokusai! He has lost his inkwell and is trying to find it!"
"He wanders the halls of the Laputa asking anyone he comes across if they've seen his inkwell. Of course, no one knows where it is, but that never stops him from asking again and again. 'Have you seen my inkwell today? My inkwell, have you seen it?' He asks everyone over and over and over until they run screaming from the room!" Zura nearly shouted. "Naturally, our heroes have no idea where the poor man's inkwell is either, but they give him the Famico to keep him busy until his inkwell turns up. Hokusai is so moved by their generosity that he gives them a magic brush that never runs out of ink!"
"Wait, why would he need an inkwell if he had a magic brush!"
"Oh, you know how old men are!" Zura chuckled. "Hokusai scurries off to play games, while our heroes continue onward, finally reaching the gates Laputa's inner chamber. There, they face their greatest challenge yet - a locked door!"
He paused for emphasis.
"Lemme guess, they pour the orange soda on the lock." Gintoki drawled, wiggling his toes. He wondered if he could twist enough to kick Zura.
"Yes! Are you sure you haven't heard this one?" Zura gasped.
"Yep." Gintoki smirked as he worked an arm free. He immediately used this newfound mobility to shove a finger up his nose.
"Astounding! So, the orange soda shorted out the electronic lock on the door. BUT! The door was so heavy that even Jackie Chan Covered in Vaseline couldn't open it. Just then, the horde of hamsters appeared and drank up all of the soda. They then used Nabeshin-dono's left sock to restore power to the door control device, which allowed them to open the doors!"
Gintoki paused to inspect his findings as Zura blathered on about the labyrinth beyond the door. He flicked a booger in the idiot's general direction then went back to picking his nose. He could faintly hear footsteps heading this way.
"At the heart of the labyrinth they discover that they have been beaten to the punch!" Zura shouted, wiggling around frantically. "David Bowie had already defeated Bowser and Lord Voldemort and had declared himself King of the Sparkly Folk! Just when our heroes thought they could return home, Rapunzel swung in out of nowhere and kicked David Bowie right in the tender bits! As it turns out it was he who cursed her beloved sister into kissing the frog amanto and turning into a frog amanto herself! But before they could square off, Gakt flew in on a robot unicorn and declared himself Emperor of the Night - sworn enemy of the Sparkly Folk!"
"Gin-chan, are you dead?" Kagura drawled, appearing overhead, a strip of sukonbu dangling out of her mouth. "Can I eat all of your chocolate?"
"I ain't dead, but Zura will be if he doesn't shut up." Gintoki grumbled.
"Not Zura, Katsura! Rapunzel used the reflection off of David Bowie's crotch to distract Gakt and - "
"Could you let me out now, please?" Gintoki sighed.
Kagura leaned against the beam, peering curiously at Zura. "Wait, what happened?"
"Oh! Leader! Well you see, Rapunzel, David Bowie and Gakt are fighting a pitched three-way battle and - "
"Whoa! Why!" As Kagura clambered over the beam to where Zura was, Gintoki groaned and tried to will himself to disappear.
"Revenge of course! I guess I'll just have to start over."
"No!" Gintoki snapped, flailing as much as he could.
"But I wanna hear the story!" Kagura whined.
"Fine, whatever! Just let me outta here first!"
"Actually, I do need to use the little patriots room." Zura chuckled.
"Okie dokie." Kagura disappeared from view for a few moments, then the beam shifted several centimeters in the upwards direction. Gintoki scrambled out from under the beam, and laughed maniacally.
"Oh god finally! I'm freeeeeeeeeee!" Normally he hated running, but there were times when he was more than happy to book it. Now was one of those times.
"Shoot! He isn't going to hear the end of the story!" Zura spat, frowning deeply as Gintoki disappeared out the front door, nearly barreling over Shinpachi who was walking towards them with a small stack of paper.
"His loss." Kagura grunted. "Now tell the story."
"Of course Leader, I'll start it on the way to the toilet." Katsura straightened his work shirt, brushed some debris out of his hair, and cleared his throat. "Once Upon a Time, there was a magical castle in Helms Deep inhabited by Smurfs..."
END