Neko Neko Soi Fon Chan~
Chapter 1- The Kitty Concoction
It was another peaceful day in the seireitei.I had just returned from a mission to exterminate some hollows on the outskirts of north rukongai area 77 with members of my squad and my good-for-nothing, complete waste-of-air, incredibly annoying, whiny, sorry-excuse for a lieutenant Ômaeda what's-his-face.
"As expected of our captain! She's the only one who could face that many hollows without any help from her squad. And she didn't even break a sweat, too!"
"Shut up Ômaeda." Those hollows weren't even worth my time. I finished them so effortlessly, I didn't even bother to keep count of how many I had killed. It was reported that there were over 358 hollows but whatever. I just did it to make sure that I didn't get rusty. After the winter war with Aizen, there were hardly any challenging missions these days. I left, I killed them, I came back, and now I was incredibly bored.
A soul reaper came running toward me and my squad. "Captain Soi Fon."
"What is it?"
"A package arrived for you just outside your office."
"Really?" Hmm..I wonder if it's that same package again? "Men, return to your barracks. I'm going to my office to write a report on the mission." Yeah right, I could hardly remember the mission.
"Yes, Ma'am!"
"Captain," said Ômaeda. "Should I help you in writing the report?"
"That's unusually kind of you. Normally you hate doing any kind of work."
"Well, I thought it was the least I could do since we didn't really do anything during the mission."
"Hmm, that's right, you didn't do anything. Well then, you can go ahead and write the entire report then."
"Th-the whole report?"
"Is that a problem?"
"N-no captain! I'll get to it right away!"
"Good."
He ran off to write the report, almost tripping as he did so. I turned and walked toward my office.I arrived at the door to my office to find, just as the soul reaper had said, a package addressed to me. I scanned the area to make sure that there was nobody around, grabbed the package, slipped into my office, and locked my door.
When I opened the package I felt a wave of excitement. "Waaahh..." I said, my tone suddenly changing. Inside was a bundle of cat accessories. "Here's a Neko-chan T-shirt, a pair of Kitty cat ears and tail, a Neko Neko poster, a Meow Meow towel, a pair of Kitty Kitty panties, a Hello Kitty swordchain, and- Aaaahhh! It's a black Kuro Kitty doll!"
Yes, it's true. I'm a cat fanatic. Somehow the fact that I love cat items has spread around and I've been periodically receiving packages with cat items. But I didn't care. I loved anything that reminded me of my precious Lady Yoruichi! Ahhh, Yoruichi! Her feline form is so elegant. Her soft fur, her adorable tail and ears, and her beautiful golden eyes. And when she reverts to her human form her beauty increases tenfold. She has amazing figure from her bountiful bottom to her bounding bosom. Her smooth, brown skin, her slender, yet powerful arms, her graceful legs, her silky smooth violet hair, her sharp eyes, and her smile, her smile! She's gorgeous, graceful but strong, and she has such a warm presence. She's, she's- aahhhh...
(10 minutes after Soi Fon faints imaging her former captain...And no she was not doing anything dirty before that...I think)
"Ahhhh.." I sighed looking up at the ceiling. I would decorate the ceiling and just about every square inch of my office with the cat items I have, but I have a reputation to keep. I'm Soi Fon, captain of squad 2, otherwise known as the Secret Remote Squad and Punishment Force. I'm calm, cool, calculating, and I have zero tolerance for any kind of foolishness whatsoever. I will admit though that the only time I act otherwise is when I browse through my kitty collection and when I'm around Lady Yoruichi.
"Ahhh.." I sighed again. If only I could be more like Yoruichi somehow. Even as the captain of squad 2 she would do whatever she wanted without a care in the world. If only she hadn't run away with that worthless fool Kisuke Urahara. He was the reason she was banished from the soul society for over a century. Her sentence was lifted recently, but I wished that she had brought me along with her as well. It wouldn't have mattered if being a wanted criminal. I would have done anything to be with my precious Yoruichi.
Still, even though she's allowed to come and go as she pleases-which she did anyway-she hasn't done so recently and even when she does she rarely visits me. All that I have to remind me of her are my cat dolls and Yoruichi figurines I confiscated from some soul reapers who believed that they adored her a tenth as much as I did. I continued to go through the rest of the contents of the package when a strange bottle caught my eye.
It had the most adorable cat paw print on the front and had a small pamphlet attached to it. "The amazing Feline Transfiguration?" What a lame name. Have you ever wondered what's it's like to be a cat? To have glistening fur, cute ears and a tail, and a sudden realization as to why playing with cat toys if so much fun? Well, you can! With the amazing Feline Transfiguration, you can turn into a cat as often as you want. All you have to do is drink the entire potion and you'll be puuuurring in no time!
"Oh my God!" I had no idea that such a fantastic potion existed! With this I could finally be one step closer to my beloved Yoruichi! After putting away the rest of my kitty collection, I opened the bottle. It had the most putrid smell I had ever experienced in my life. I could only imagine what it tasted like. I prepared for the worst. "For my Yoruichi..."
I drank the potion, nearly passing out a few times. The taste was so horrid that I am unable to describe it in words. Oddly enough, although I'm positive that I did, the next moment I was unable to recall ever drinking the potion, though I'm sure I might have nightmares about it for the next few weeks.
Suddenly, my body started to tingle. I assumed that the potion had started taking effect for the room slowly became larger. Without realizing it, I was forced on all fours. My uniform began to increase in size until I could no longer fit it at all. I felt that I had more hair than usual as well. And I'm not sure, but I felt something on top of my head and growing out above my butt. Next thing I knew the room had become pitch black. My uniform must have gotten so large that it covered me completely. Somehow I managed to crawl from under it. I looked at myself in a nearby mirror.
"Oooohhh!" I awed in astonishment. "I'm so, so...beautiful." I was a cat. A feline fatale. And I was adorable too. I stood on four paws, I had pointy cat ears, and a tail. But my most distinguishing feature was my glistening indigo fur and light, gleaming violet-blue eyes. Forgive me Yoruichi, not to sound conceited, but I think that I surpass even your beauty as a cat. Looking back at my uniform, I couldn't believe how huge it was. Even though I was smaller than most people-except for that kid that leads squad 10-my uniform looked as though it belonged to a giant. It had to be at least ten times my current size. And that wasn't all. My office seemed so enormous! I had so much space to run around that I was even able to use several flash steps, which I realized I was still able to do.
"Captain! I finished the report!" The sound of Ômaeda bursting into my office startled me. I'm so glad I hid the newest additions to my kitty collection. Or rather, Ômaeda should be glad I did because I would've had to kill him and gotten rid of his body so that there would be no witnesses. After all, nobody knew what I actually did with the cat items in the packages. Two hits from my Suzumebachi might've done the trick.
"I wonder where the captain could be? And here I was able to finish the report in record time." He's definitely lying. I've never seen him write anything in his life-or do any kind of work for that matter.
"I bet she'd think I was lying my ass off when I showed her this report, but it was soooo easy. She finished off those hollows so fast that the rest of us didn't have to do anything but keep count." Okay, so he wasn't lying.
"Still, I can't believe that she was able to kill 500 hollows! And about 50 of them were gillians!" 500? Gillians? Wow, I can't remember doing any of that.
"Hmm? What's this? When did this cat get in here?"
Shit, he noticed me!
"It couldn't possibly be the captain's could it?"
There's a thought.
"Naw, it couldn't be. The Captain would never get a pet. And even if she did there's no way she could take care of it."
I twitched.
Well, that guy might be an idiot, but I have to give him credit. For him to even notice a superior assassin like me is impressive-or maybe I just let my guard down being turned into a cat and all. Anyway, he'll be ogling me soon. Even that oaf can't resist an adorable cat like me-
"I hate cats."
Huh?
"Really, I can't stand them! They rip up expensive clothes and furniture, leave disgusting fur everywhere, and they always love eating smelly fish and nasty rats!"
What!
"The only thing to do about cats," he drew his sword, " is to get rid of them."
"Mreoowww!" I bolted out my office. MY office! I can't believe that bastard! I fled until I was a good distance away. Luckily, the oaf is allergic to any kind of work. He didn't even try to chase me.
"So he hates cats does he? Thinks that they're smelly and have disgusting fur, huh? Well, he's going to be screaming in agony when I tear him and his expensive clothes to shreds after I turn back-" Wait a minute? I forgot for a moment but-how do I turn back?