I disclaim. Spoilers through the Christmas episode, I suppose.
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It took too long.
That was all Rachel could think about.
She was too late.
Rachel had messed up, and now she had to deal with the consequences. It wasn't one of those situations where being sorry could even begin to change anything.
Music wasn't helpful here, she couldn't sing her way back into Finn's good graces, and she certainly couldn't sing her way into the past and not make out with Puck.
That, of course, had been a terrible idea.
In the end though, Rachel had just ended up alone, and she didn't know how to handle it.
She was like Tinkerbell, she needed applause to live—that's what she'd once said.
But most people didn't really like Tinkerbell, because she was kind of a bitch. Rachel, upon realizing that, felt like crying.
She didn't know if she wanted to be Tinkerbell anymore, because in the end, Tinkerbell doesn't end up with her true love, does she?
It's that moment that changes everything, the moment when she realizes that being "special" and "talented" doesn't mean everything. Because no one needs her, no one wants to be around her, and she's alone.
The problem is that this realization doesn't really change anything, it just makes her even sadder. She feels like a fairy who no one believes in.
And she feels her inner light dimming.
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"I can't deal with you now, Rachel."
Rachel held in the tears that threatened to escape. "Finn, I need to talk to you."
Finn sighed, "It's always about what you need. What about what I need? I can't—I can't do this right now." He waited for her to protest, to force her conversation on him, and was shocked when she didn't.
She just stood there, staring up at him like she was about to cry.
"Rachel, I—"
Rachel interrupted him with a slight smile. "You're right. When you're ready, you know where to find me."
Finn watched as Rachel walked away, and couldn't help but want to run after her to find out what she had been going to say. He didn't, of course, because he'd meant what he'd said.
That didn't make it any easier to watch her walk away.
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On the last day of school before winter break, Finn began to waver. Three weeks was a long time, and he felt like he needed closure before they went their "separate" ways.
That was it, closure. And it had absolutely nothing to do with how much he'd been missing Rachel for the past few weeks. Absolutely nothing. Or, at least, that's what he was telling himself, but it wasn't even close to the truth.
It was time.
Finn approached a sad Rachel in the hallway, surrounded by people of course because it was safer this way. "Rachel."
She turned away from her locker and towards him in surprise. "Finn, I thought—" she looked hopeful but afraid of what he had to say.
"Rachel, I want to come back in the new year, and I want this to be settled. So let's just . . . get this over with."
The light in Rachel's eyes—which had reappeared for mere seconds—went out, which nearly broke Finn's heart, because seeing Rachel without her unique brightness seemed . . . wrong.
He'd believed in her, he'd believed that she was different, that she was better than this, that she was beyond the kinds of pettiness other girls seemed to enjoy. Apparently he'd been wrong, and he didn't like to see her like this. He didn't know who this Rachel was.
"Here?" Rachel asked, looking around.
Finn thought about it for a moment, "No, the choir room is empty, we can go in there."
"Okay," Rachel practically whispered the word.
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Rachel was nervous. She and Finn had broken up, yes, but this was the moment he'd tell her for the final time that they would never be together again. And eventually she'd have to accept it.
She looked around the room, which she loved so much, which used to be a comforting place for her, but now only caused her pain.
"You're not singing," Finn broke the silence.
Rachel looked up at him in surprise. "I am."
Finn shook his head. "You're going through the motions, and if we're going to win Regionals, we need you to sing." Yes, because that was the only reason he cared. He wasn't handling this well at all, but the Rachel he knew would never back down from a fight.
Rachel smiled sadly, "We have talented singers, and I don't even . . . I'm not the star, Finn. Glee doesn't need me."
Finn realized that this was partially his fault, because he'd fed her insecurities. He pinched the bridge of his head as if he was getting a head ache. "Yeah, it does. And, honestly? You and I need to just . . . get over this. You're not everything, but you'resomething. You're important. And the stuff I said before . . . " he trailed off.
Rachel sat down, smoothing out her skirt without any real urgency. "Finn, you said a lot of things, a lot of them were hurtful. Most of them were true. I've been horrid lately. And I hurt the only person I never wanted to hurt. I'm so sorry."
Finn just stood in the middle of the room, incapable of movement for some unfathomable reason.
"And you were right. I've been really selfish, and I-I hurt you."
"You knew how much Quinn sleeping with Puck hurt me. You wanted to hurt me." Finn felt his heart break all over again.
Rachel looked up suddenly at him in surprise-she'd been staring down at her skirt, avoiding eye contact until this point-"No, Finn. I didn't-I didn't even think. It probably makes it worse, because I'm always stuck in my own world, believing the world revolves around me . . . but I swear, I was just hurting, and he was there, and there was a part of me that wanted to just wallow in my pain. And, yes, there was a part of me that wanted to hurt you, but not like that. Never like that."
Finn stared at her in disbelief. "Why? How was that fair to me? To us?"
"It wasn't." A tear began to form at the corner of her eye. "It's just-it was Santana, and it hurt."
"Why is Santana the problem?" Finn sighed. "Why, Rachel?"
Rachel looked back down at her hands. She didn't know what to do with them, so she started to pick at her shimmery nail polish. "Because she's everything I'm not. Do you remember when you were self-conscious about being shirtless during the preparation for Rocky Horror? I feel . . . like I'm never enough-I'm not the most attractive girl in Glee club. I know that. But it hurts that even though you said you were in love with me-" Finn looked like he was about to interrupt, so Rachel held up a hand. "Don't, please."
She sighed. "Even though I was with Jesse, you were supposed to be in love with me. And it hurts to know that you'd choose her, someone so beautiful and yet cruel, and it hit me in the worst part of who I am. I want to be great one day, Finn. But I'm not beautiful, and even though I'm talented . . . a high school Glee club doesn't even need me at all. I'm not . . . I'm not special."
She almost seemed to be speaking to herself more than to Finn as she said her next words, "And I don't want to be Tinkerbell anymore."
Special was all Rachel ever wanted to be. Her self esteem, her dreams, her everythingwas wrapped up all together, and him sleeping with Santana . . . Finn finally realized how much it hurt her.
"That's still no excuse," he heard himself say. It was strange, because those weren't the words he'd thought he was going to say.
"I know. I just-I'm so sorry, Finn. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you anymore." Rachel stood up suddenly at that, as if she couldn't bear to be there with him anymore, and walked quickly forward towards him.
She held her hand up to his cheek, stroking it with her thumb. "And I wish I hadn't even wanted to. I love you, Finn. Happy holidays."
With that Rachel ran from the room, tears streaming down her face.
Finn just stood exactly where he was, and a single tear escaped the corner of his left eye. It trailed its way down until he tasted its saltiness. Upon realizing that, he lifted his hand, wiping it away.
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"Hey man." Puck walked up to his friend, more than a little nervous. "How's it going?"
Finn turned around in the middle of the crowded store and grabbed him, hugging him tightly.
"Um, okay. You can let go, Finn." Puck secretly was just relieved that Finn didn't hate him. "Dude, you can let go."
Finn pulled away. "Sorry."
"It's okay." Puck quirked his head to the side, "What's going on? Are you okay?"
"You actually sound genuinely concerned. Weird." Finn tried to laugh it off. He turned around to the decorations he'd been looking at. He was looking for extra lights because his mother had gotten it into her head that they needed to go "big." Whatever that meant.
"I am." Puck replied. "Is it Rachel? I said I was sorry about that, it was just-"
"I know. I was hurt, you know? But, I don't know anymore."
"She loves you."
"She says that, but sometimes I wonder if she actually knows what love even is." As much as it hurt him to say it, it was true.
Puck sighed. "Look, I don't want to get involved, but she does love you. You're the only one she's ever been able to really see, if that makes sense. Even me and Jesse, we were just . . . distractions. It's always been you."
"I don't know if I believe that."
"It's the truth." Puck was obviously uncomfortable with the subject at hand. It was a little too mushy for him.
"How do you know?"
"Because you're the only person who makes her . . . I don't know, better? I mean, I don't exactly bring out the best in her. And the way she's been acting lately, she's . . . different. It's like she finally gets it, you know? That she's sorry, and that she wants to make things right. She talked to me the other day and apologized for using me, and told me to follow my heart." Puck seemed to get a far off look in his eye. "Whatever that's supposed to mean."
"I love her," Finn said quietly, almost as if to himself.
Puck rolled his eyes, "I'm kind of done with this sentimental bullshit. Emotions aren't really my thing. Just-" Puck sighed. "If I had someone who loved me like she loves you, I wouldn't be standing in the middle of a department store three days before Christmas trying to avoid my feelings my buying unnecessary decorations. And that's not just because I'm Jewish."
Finn looked at his friend in surprise. "Why are you telling me all of this?"
"Because I'm your friend. And, well, I'm alone. And you're alone. But you don't have to be." With that Puck left his friend alone with his thoughts.
Finn made a mental note to make sure that Puck was okay later on, because he was being more than a little weird, but for now he reached for the one holiday decoration that could fix everything.
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Finn walked up to her house, and tried to breathe deeply. He could do this, he assured himself.
He knocked on the door, and hoped that she would be the one to answer.
"Finn?" she was surprised to see him, especially since it was the day before Christmas, and that was an important holiday for him, especially since he had a "new family" this year.
"Hey." Finn just smiled nervously at her, which in turn made her nervous.
"Finn, I—"
"You had your chance, I think it's mine now," he said it kindly, and it's not meant to be cruel at all. "I think I couldn't see it before."
"See what?"
"You. I couldn't see your pain," he lifted his hand to wipe away a strand of hair away from her eyes, so that he could look into them. "And then I realized that even if I weren't capable of understanding why you could hurt me like that . . . I still love you."
Rachel tilted her head into his hand, which was currently cupping her cheek. "I love you too, Finn."
"But sometimes love isn't enough, you know?"
Rachel withdrew slightly. "Oh."
Finn was obviously more than a little flustered, "I'm not doing this well. I'll never be as good with women as Puck, and I'll never be as . . . you as Jesse. I'm just me. I'm just Finn."
"I know. And I love that about you," she said softly.
"I know. And that's . . . great. Sometimes," he repeated, "Love isn't enough. But I think love is more important right now. It doesn't matter if I love you, because I could get over that." Rachel seems to shrink into herself at that. He sticks his hand into his pocket and pulls out mistletoe, lifting it above their heads. "But I don't want to. I want to start over, but only if we can really try this time. "
Rachel's face lights up so that it's practically brighter than Finn's Christmas tree—which is truly a sight to behold, actually. "Finn, I—"
Finn leaned forward, whispering, "Rachel, I know you're Jewish, but you do realize you're supposed to kiss me now, right?"
Rachel smiled, "I know," and she closed the distance between them, throwing herself into his arms with such force that Finn almost fell backward, and had to catch his balance. His arms went around her to keep from dropping her.
It wasn't the most Rachel thing in the world to do, but it was perfect for the moment.
"Rachel, I missed you."
"I missed you so much Finn, and I promise that even though I'm imperfect and pushy and often annoying, this time is going to be better. I don't want to be without you ever again. I don't think I could bear it."
"I don't either," Finn agreed, finally letting Rachel's feet touch back onto the ground.
Finn leaned down, touching his forehead to Rachel's. "I just want to stay with you forever."
He could practically feel her smile in reponse. "We can be together just as easily inside, Finn—" Rachel grabbed his hand, pulling him inside. "Wherever, whenever."
"Always. And, um, you're allowed to be Tinkerbell." He awkwardly clapped his hands together. "Because I'm always going to believe in you, as long as you believe in me."
Rachel seemed to almost sparkle and come to life at that. "And I'll never stop again." She smiled, leaning over to close the door behind them.
She may have been Jewish, but she swore this was going to be the best Christmas ever.
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Thoughts?