AUTHOR'S NOTE: just a collection of random drabbles about my favourite character, Sheppard, feeling sad about the things he's done. I was feeling depressed... :/
DISCLAIMER: I don't own SGA.
WARNING: slight spoilers for Siege Part 2, Runner, Lifeline, and Sunday.
Lieutenant Colonels Don't Cry
I could tell where this conversation was going, and I was trying to make it clear I didn't want to talk about it. He either didn't notice or didn't care. The way his eyes bored into mine made me think it was the latter. My heart rate was speeding up as I willed him to stop talking. I was on the verge of snapping under the strain of not biting his head off. I was going to have to tell him how I felt, because obviously my face expression wasn't obvious enough. Then he cut me off when someone called on the radio. I wasn't in charge here anymore.
I couldn't make my eyes meet his. If I could have slugged him at that moment, I would have. Why did he have to bring that up, anyway? The whole Colonel Sumner thing was a constant source of pain for me. Couldn't he see that? Didn't he understand? I could feel the rage burning inside me, warring with grief and guilt. But instead of taking a swing at that arrogant mouth of his or letting the tears fall, I gritted my teeth so hard my jaw hurt. I was almost relieved when he dismissed me.
I'd left her behind, left her with the enemy. All my instincts, my training, years of repeating "we don't leave anyone behind," and I'd still left her to die. I was mentally beating myself up over that. Whatever happened to my loyalty? Teyla told me it wasn't my fault, that I'd done everything I could. But was that true? McKay said I'd only been following orders. But since when did I follow orders? I'd been so stupid, trying to save my own backside instead of going back for her. How much had Elizabeth suffered at the hands of those machines because of me?
The bagpipes played a mournful tune that summed up my feelings perfectly. As I moved to take my place alongside the coffin, my throat ached and my eyes stung with the tears I was holding in. I should have done something, anything, there had to be something I could have done differently that would have prevented this moment. Just because I couldn't think of anything didn't mean there wasn't anything, right? My eyes focused on the puddle in front of me, blocking out everything else.
My pillow was too flat, sheets too scratchy, mattress too hard. I was too hot with the blankets on and too cold with them off. It was too dark with the lights off and too bright with them on. I rolled over, but the blankets wouldn't sit right. I lay on my stomach, but my neck complained. I rolled onto my other side, but my pillow was lumpy there. I lay on my back, but the random patterns on the ceiling frustrated me. I threw off my blankets and stood up. Sometimes anniversaries really sucked.
THE END
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yeah, I know he wasn't a Lieutenant Colonel in all of the episodes mentioned - in fact, I can't remember the episode that first mention his promotion. He might still be a Major in all these scenes. *smacks forehead* I'm off to watch more SGA...