Hey readers! This is a oneshot that takes place in New Moon during Edward and Bella's falling out when he tells her he's leaving her, in Edwards point of view. Reviews are welcome and appreciated! :) Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Twilight, just so you know!
I Can't Say I Hate You
I swallowed heavily and braced myself for the emotional blow.
But it didn't come. She just stood there, mouth agape, staring at me like I had just murdered her cat right in front of her eyes or something. Her eyes wouldn't meet mine; they looked around wildly, dying to find an answer hidden in the trees, but they had no chance. I hated to see her so dumbstruck and dry-mouthed, so hurt and befuddled that she couldn't utter a word. I wasn't sure if her vocal cords could make sound anymore. I worried if her brain could function enough to make words anymore. Staggered breaths left her mouth. I would cry if I was capable. It impressed me, but disturbed me, that no tears left her big, endless eyes even now.
She finally took a long, hard stare at me. "Why are you doing this?"
I couldn't answer her. I didn't even know why. Spending years searching my soul wouldn't produce an answer, so I muttered, "I can't put you in danger anymore."
That look she gave me stung harder than any pain could create. I didn't think I could ever feel that sort of pain, but even monsters can have their hearts ripped to shreds and burned to hide the evidence. Part of me wanted to run in fear and in hatred of myself and what I had just done. I wouldn't be able to ever look at myself again. I would run, and make it back to the house in twenty-five seconds, and smash every mirror with my bare fists, just so I could linger in solitude of myself for a little while longer. The other part of my wrinkled his brow and wanted to run to her and hold her against me, feeling her heartbeat against my emptiness, and tell her I was sorry and that she meant everything to me.
But I couldn't do either of those things. I insulted her to her face, I lied to her, I killed her inside. My lips went to form 'hate' but my heartstrings pulled tight, and my breath stopped there. I couldn't do it, not physically, not mentally, it couldn't ever exist. As much as I hurt her in these few moments, I couldn't tell her I hated her. That's one extreme statement that could not ever exist in this universe.
So I left her. I turned around and left her to her grief. I expected to be hurt even further, for her to shout obscene slurs to me as I walked away. For her to say she hated me. For her to pour out every molecule of agony and rage in screams that no one would hear or understand but me. But she didn't. She silently watched me go. I almost turned around to actually see her standing there, but I could feel her eyes on me as I deserted her. And she was silent.
And that hurt the most.