Sudden Death Mode is here~! I'm so sorry for not updating as much as I should, so to make it up, I've decided to launch this story early. I hope everyone will enjoy this and have a good laugh!
Now, I also know that a lot of people are wary from reading my description. "It'll also... include the author herself?! Oh lord... another sue..."
Read on and see if I'm flawed enough for your satisfaction. XD Kelsey is every bit as excitable as me... and as this series progresses, more and more of my quirky friends will show up. Artemis is going to have one hell of a time...
So, at the end of my blabbering, here it is! Sudden Death Mode chapter one!
Fish and Glasses
"So, everything has arrived as planned."
The room was dark, the only light coming from a single computer screen. A teenage boy sat in front of it, the glow washing his already pale skin into an eerie blue glow.
A mountain of a man stood beside the boy, his face perfectly stern. "Yes Master Fowl, it appears so."
"Wonderful," He pushed away from his desk, the wheels of his chair rolling backwards. "Butler."
His hair was completely black, brown and blue eyes staring earnestly at the bodyguard. "What remains in order to make our plan complete is…"
He seemed to be debating with himself.
"Ah yes, Professor Primate the Second."
The light suddenly clicked on, stunning him only for a second. Standing at the doorway is what seemed at first was a young girl with cropped red hair. Like the pale young man, she also had mismatching blue and brown eyes. At closer speculation, the girl had features that seemed to slim for a young child and was clad in a jumpsuit of sorts.
"What are you doing, Artemis?" She questioned with a bit a laugh, "It looks like you two are planning some massive heist instead of your brothers' birthday."
Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose, evidently a bit exhausted, "Butler and I stayed up for good few more hours than we hoped if you have arrived already, Holly."
"Seems like it. Did all the decorations and food for the dinner arrive?" She set down her helmet on his desk as she walked over.
Today was the more than extravagant party for the Fowl twins, Myles and Beckett. Over the past few months, Angeline Fowl's health returned to her, and the Manor had been in relative peace for now.
Myles' vocabulary was decidedly growing rapidly, just as Beckett's taste for expensive and strange foods.
Their third birthday finally arrived, and the Fowl family believed that this would be one of the biggest, since the oldest of the siblings would be able to witness it for the first time.
The genius got up, straightening his tie. There was more than just unhappy guests at stake at this party. Opal's disappearance was still at large, and naturally, with such a heard about party, the LEP team decided it was a good idea to camp out in case she would appear.
He walked over to a stuffed monkey on a separate table. Instead of just a few phrases, he also programmed it with voice recognition, the ability to sense temperature, and solve simple math. Myles had been devastated from the vanishing of his monkey, his big brother promising that the Professor was away on a trip to learn more.
White lies couldn't hurt, especially since it will help the younger genius.
"It seems that everything is already in the kitchen. I suppose I'll go and inspect it." He walked briskly out of his office, Holly throwing on a cloak, Butler following.
The kitchen was in a state of organized chaos. The cooks were running quickly, unpacking frozen fish and bringing in various fruits and vegetables from the Fowl garden.
At the sight of teenager, all workers stopped nervously. He nodded, and that seemed to assuage them. They continued in their frantic preparation.
"They all look a bit like headless chickens running around," The LEP officer commented.
Artemis nodded, carefully slicing the various poultry and fish to inspect for any potentially dangerous strains of disease.
Ever since that day a few months ago, the boy began to take more initiative in his own tasks, needing Butler less and less for menial errands.
An assistant cook tediously picked up a fish from the approved pile. After a few seconds of straining, he appeared to trip over nothing… which turned out to be Holly.
The fish they were using were massive, slipping from the cook's hands easily. Butler quickly pushed the confused man away from falling on the fairy, which might have been potentially dangerous.
"Artemis! The fish!"
It had been launched into the air. Believing it being of no consequence, he braced himself for impact…
If kidnapping Holly and discovering the world of fairies was surprising, being hit with the flipper of a gigantic fish would have to rival on the shock list.
It was like being first slapped, which stung, but then punched as it fell on him.
Beside him, his two friends didn't know whether to become worried or burst into laughter.
His bodyguard easily pulled it off of him to find that the boy had smacked the marble floor with his head, knocking him out.
"What a way to get knocked out," She murmured, grabbing his hand and willing the magic to heal his injuries and wake him.
Seconds passed, the assistant cook had already scrambled away from the scene of the crime. The bruise that was forming on the back of Artemis' head had been healed, but no sign of waking up.
By now Butler's eyebrows furrowed, Holly now shaking his body without much care of who saw. "Artemis, Artemis… hello! Artemis! Don't tell me that you're dead from a fish!"
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Artemis finally cracked open his eyes to peer into annoying florescent lights, humming quietly.
"Benjamin!"
He rolled his eyes to the left to see a couple, the woman's face covered in tears and the man smiling happily. She pulled back her wavy blonde hair and began crying again, this time most likely with happiness.
He wanted to demand who they were asking for, because he was obviously not Benjamin, but the dull pain in his arm and neck stopped him, his tongue feeling somehow too large and awkward to talk with.
"Sir, may I please ask who you are asking for?" the genius took quite awhile to give the simple sentence, his head feeling a bit scrambled.
The two blanched before the man sighed, "That's right… they said that the accident might cause temporary amnesia. It's alright, don't be afraid Ben, we're your parents."
His temper flared momentarily. Strange people were calling him by a different name and holding his hand. The last thing he remembered was being hit by an enormous fish. If this was Holly and Foaly's idea of a joke, he didn't think he could appreciate it.
"I most certainly am not afraid. I'm sorry, but I believe that you two are mistaken, my name is not Benjamin, and you are not my parents. May I please speak with someone of the Fowl family?" Artemis' speech was much easier by now, the words slipping off his tongue.
The lady laughed nervously and began patting his hand, "Uh… Ben…" her smile was strained, "You gained a pretty large vocabulary suddenly…"
"Of course," He almost snapped, "I'm sure you two are deranged, and your son must of have been a snot-nosed child that only cared for videogames and not academics. Now, may I please speak to a member of the Fowl family? At least the company?"
His supposed father almost reprimanded him, shocked at the words coming out of his son's mouth. Benjamin was a well-mannered and considerate boy. "Son… what do you mean by the Fowl family? Are they one of your friends?"
"Friends? Have you not heard of our name? Ah… yes… from your speech cadence, I would have to say you two are American, I suppose you may not have heard of Ireland's, possibly the United Kingdom's greatest and most prestigious family." It was a bit hard to not let his words slur, the second round of painkillers must have been injected into his stream, making the words mash together.
"I can't say I've heard of them… what do you mean by our? Who are they?" the older man's palms began to sweat. Something terribly wrong must have happened in the surgery.
The boy's eyes widened, "Who am I? Why, I am Art-"
The hospital door slammed wide open, the three jumped, slightly startled to Artemis' chagrin, his neck throbbing once more.
A short Asian girl with rectangular blue glasses stood at the door for only a second before stomping over to his side.
"Crap!" She announced, "Ben! I heard you got into a massive accident driving back. Are you okay?"
Her face was red, indicating she had been running, her bangs plastered onto her forehead. The glasses slipped down her nose, and she pushed them back up again.
"Oh… for goodness' sakes… for the last time, I am NOT this person in whom you speak of! Now please! Let me contact my family in peace!" he began waving his arm, too angry and drugged up to notice the pain.
The confused mother darted her eyes over the tired girl, "Kelsey, I don't think this is the right time… Ben's not himself…"
Kelsey looked genuinely worried, "Your speech pattern is really peculiar… normally you'd say it hurts like crap or something…"
If he could lift his hands to rub his temples in circles he would, but unfortunately it seemed not possible in his current condition. Was everyone in America mad? Spiro was quite a fellow to deal with, what with his irrationality, but was the entire country this unbalanced?
"I am not Ben." He said quietly, trying to use simple words, "My name is Artemis Fowl."
While the adults' eyes widened in confusion, the black haired girl burst into laughter. A vein pulsed on Artemis' forehead, threatening to pop.
"You can't be Artemis! Man, you haven't even read the books! Are you trying to prank me for the time I said I was moving to Canada?" Her laugh was a bit high and loud.
No one said a single word for a few moments. The girl stood their awkwardly. "Uh… Mr. and Mrs. Fresnon? He's kidding right? He can't seriously think he's a book character?"
"A book character!" He cried out indignantly, "America is a country of lunatics! Bring me a phone and I will prove to you idiots that the Fowl family exists!"
"You're the one being an idiot!" She snapped back.
The remaining sane Fresnon family watched as the teenagers threw angry sentences at each other.
Her black eyes shined brightly, promising violence. "How could you insult your own parents? Sure! Your vocabulary has increased, but that gives you no license to believe you're Artemis! I swear, you hit your head hard. If anyone knew Artemis it would be me!"
"You would know me better than me?" He ignored the fact that the phrase might have been confusing, "Fine, I will test you. Which song did I listen to last that could be considered plotting music?"
"Beethoven's Symphony no. Seven." Kelsey shot back.
His eyes narrowed, "Which movement?"
"Eoin Colfer didn't mention, but I have reason to believe it was the second movement, since the first was too joyful to be used to plot how to lie to his best friend and save his mother." She smiled triumphantly.
Who was this Eoin Colfer? As soon as he got out of this ridiculous place with annoyingly loud florescent lights, he was sure he would have to get Butler to find this man. What the girl knew though was frightening, but he decided to test her once again. "What was the ending key that I planned at the end of Schubert's unfinished Symphony no. 8?"
"B Minor." She answered quickly, "And I also disagreed with his younger self, it's only natural to end with B minor if you start with it, or the major equivalent at least."
For probably the second time in Artemis' life he felt dumbfounded. Here he was strapped to a hospital bed with a short Asian girl spewing out what he thought. Strange enough, she still didn't refer to him as himself. She continued to talk about him in third person, not second.
"My turn. What was Artemis' most humiliating moment?" they had seemed to reach a grudging compromise. Don't mention fairies. Not yet.
He seemed to hesitate for a moment. "When I received a ninety-nine percent on a mathematics assignment… I had forgotten to round the decimal up to the third place."
She looked sufficiently surprised. "Okay, then what does the dragonfly mean in Gn-"
"Fine!" He interrupted, not wanting her to say anything in front of the couple.
"You're scaring me, Ben." Kelsey looked… impressed, "But I guess you don't know enough to figure out the code."
Artemis couldn't figure out the right words to say in such a moment, ignoring the fairy language all together. "Do I even look like Ben? How could you continue after proving that I am Artemis Fowl?"
Her face twitched, suddenly reaching for her pocket. His eyes widened, preparing himself for a weapon of sorts.
"LOOK AND WEEP!" She screeched, shoving the back of her Ipod Nano Generation Three at his face. The silver reflective surface was scratched, but he could clearly see that it wasn't his face.
A boy with blue eyes stared back, his blonde hair sticking out at strange angles. Tentatively he reached for his face, looking at the casts on his fingers. The girl huffed. "See, I told you." Pushing up her glasses, "You can't be Artemis, you're Ben."
In that moment, he couldn't find anything to blame except for the fish.
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Some of you may be wondering now... What the heck is going on?!
I do have a plot... I think... XD So I hope that this story will have a good plot along with some good laughs. Thank you so much for reading, all of you guys.
This is my first attempt at something funny, so please tell me what you think by reviewing!