Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy...I only wish ;-)
Author's note: As I did last summer I decided to write a fic...post season finale. I know you need your fix to get you through the summer ;-)
Derek has been shot and Meredith was so happy when she found out she was pregnant but due to the stress of the shooting, she's lost the baby. How will she deal with this loss...will she get lost in that dark and twisty place again? Or will her love for Derek be strong enough to survive this loss? And what about Doctor Shepherd...will he ever get past the shooting. Didn't he almost end up like his dad? Please read the story and please comments...I really appreciate it!
Shatter Me With Hopes
Chapter 1
The human life is made up of choices; YES or NO, IN or OUT, UP or DOWN…and then there are the choices that matter; to LOVE or HATE, to be a HERO or to be a COWARD, to FIGHT or to GIVE in, to LIVE or…DIE!
LIVE or DIE; HERO or COWARD, FIGHT or GIVE IN…I'll say it again to those who want to hear me; the human life is made of choices…live or die…that's the important choice…and it's not always…in our hands!
Quote by Derek Shepherd
I close my eyes to look back at the choices I've made in my life and they're all clear and deep. They show no evidence of the struggles and losses I've been dealt with unless it's the salt water that suddenly fills them as the waves roll in…the salt of my tears. Another cramp seizes my belly and I try to focus my attention on my breathing while I lean against my locker. When the cramp slowly subsides I stuff my bag with my things and place it back in my locker…and then there it is; my positive pregnancy test! Meredith Grey, age 32, in the midst of her residency and pregnant with her first child…well at least…I was. My hand slightly trembles as I take the test from my locker and stare at it.
"Mere…!"
"Huh?"
My reverie is broken by the sound of Cristina's voice as she stands in the doorway of the room, "Derek's asking for you!"
"OK."
A heavy sigh escapes me before I turn around and glance around the locker room. I throw the pregnancy test into the waste bin and as the lid closes, my heart breaks and I feel like there is nothing I can do to make it stop.
…
My heart beats faster as I enter Derek's room. Dark evening light has filled his room with a gray coldness and his eyes are closed as I step closer to him; not quite touching but near enough to let him feel my presence.
"Derek?" I lean over him and I see him shiver as my breath touches his pale skin. He takes a deep breath. Again he shivers and I long to warm him. Softly running my hand down his arm, I take his fingers into mine. They're cold like icicles.
"Mere…?"
"Shhh…don't try to talk…everything's fine…you're safe!" I move my hand to his chest where his heart flutters against the ribs like a caged bird. He closes his eyes and I see tears at the tips of his lashes, "I'm… sorry," he manages to bring out. I hear his breath, shallow and fast as if there's not enough oxygen in the room and I know he's in pain; pale and trembling with fatigue and the loss of so much blood. The room starts to blur before I realize tears in my eyes are fogging my vision. Angrily I wipe them away before bending down to press a kiss to his forehead. His eyes flutter open, dark lashes making sooty crescents against his pale cheeks. The tension between his eyes disappears and a faint smile graces his handsome face.
"Thank you for not dying," I whisper, lightly running my fingers through his hair. I bite my lip and turn away. My tears start flowing like water, streaming over my cheeks. Then I feel Derek touching my arm.
"Why?" I manage to bring out.
"What …?" Derek whispers.
"Why did they have to die?"
I hear Derek sigh as he reaches over and touches my cheek, wiping away my tears with his thumb. I grab his hand, holding onto it for dear life, as sobs rack my tired body. I close my eyes and lean forward onto the bed. I feel how Derek strokes my hair and it's the last thing I remember.
…
"Mere…?"
I feel a soft tap on my shoulder and slowly turn around. I face Cristina as she nods and looks at me in concern, "I know you want to stay but Derek needs his sleep and so do you!"
I nod and turn to Derek. His even breaths betray he's deep asleep. I brush my hand along his cheek and walk towards the door. Suddenly I'm hit by a wave of exhaustion and lean against the wall for a moment to keep my balance.
"Mere…?"
I turn to face Cristina and force myself to smile.
"Are you OK?" She asks in concern.
"Yeah…I'm just kind of dizzy…that's all." I take in a deep breath and step away from the wall but my knees almost buckle immediately. Cristina shoots forward and catches me before I hit the floor, "Lean on me," she instructs firmly.
I lean my head against her shoulder, holding onto her arm for support. "Take deep breaths," she says. I do as she asks. I feel one of her hands resting around my shoulder and the other on the small of my back, supporting me.
"Do you think you're going to pass out?"
I slowly shake my head.
"Let me examine you," she says, gazing into my eyes, "…Just make sure everything's right with the baby!"
I shake my head again, "Cristina…I'm just really tired, "I say real quickly.
She studies my face as I grow pale.
"What…?" she whispers.
My tears just instantly start streaming and I fall to my knees, crying bitterly into my hands, "There…is…no…baby. I've had a miscarriage!" I curl up on the floor, weeping brokenly…both my body and soul in agony. An insistent loss is making itself known in my lower belly and I feel like dying. Suddenly I feel I'm being lifted by two strong arms and a voice, I recognize as Avery's, soothing me. I feel how he lowers me down on a bed. I cry far into the night, soaking my pillow and bed sheets with my tears. I scream over and over again, my voice muffled by the pillow and finally, I slip into a deep, almost comatose sleep…luckily enough free of dreams.
I wake up early the next morning in an empty on call room and immediately the realization hits me; Derek's been shot and I've lost our baby! I slowly sit up and close my eyes. My lower belly is cramping like crazy. All over sudden I feel the urge to pee. I rush to a toilet and bear down and then I feel how it leaves my body; my baby, perfectly formed, a little bloody, about 2 1/2 inches long, arms and legs not in proportion to its body and head, but definitely a baby! Without thinking I clench my teeth and reach down into the toilet bowl. I wrap the only remains of the baby I will never meet into some toilet paper and save it in a plastic cub in my scrubs.
…
Seattle Grace Mercy Hospital almost seems deserted as I walk down the long hallway. Out of the side of my vision I suddenly notice someone walking up me; it's Lexie.
"Hey…I was just about to check up on you!"
"I'm fine…how's Derek?"
"He's still sleeping…are you going to see him?"
I shake my head and force a smile on my face, "No…I'm going home for a quick shower and a change of clothes…be back in hour!"
"Oh…OK," she replies. She lets out a big sigh and then she hugs me…hard, holding on for several seconds. Blinking rapidly and biting my upper lip between my teeth prevents me from crying. Finally, she lets go and smiles at me, quietly saying, "I'm glad Derek didn't die!"
"Mmm…," I nod. I turn around and make my way down the hallway, still sensing Lexie's eyes poking my back but I don't turn around and leave the hospital…my former sanctuary.
My drive home stretches and flexes into a long quest as the first threatening rumbles of thunder warn me of a huge storm ahead. I sigh as a few random raindrops spatter on my windshield and then with no further prelude; downpour. I grope for the wiper controls and my focus narrows. There is a pair of taillights ahead of me, with attendant yellow flashers, rippling and swaying through the water on my windshield. The radio's on but I don't recognize what's playing; it's as if my entire cerebral cortex has been re-allocated to interpret visual information. Lightning, which until now has been a theatrical flickering among distant clouds, become immediate and personal in a blinding instant but a sigh of relief escapes me when I finally see my exit ahead and a few moments later, I park my car in the driveway of my house.
…
As I unlock the front door and step inside, shivers run down my spine as the cold air in the house attacks my skin. Finally inside the safe confines of my house, the intensity of everything that has happened, hits me again and placing my hand over my mouth, I try to stifle the panting gasps that suddenly escape me. It's still difficult for me to breathe properly as I make my way out of the room and upstairs to my bedroom. Inside I undress and stand in front of the mirror, still caught up in a daze. I don't look into the mirror, why bother? My soul feels like its gone and I can't stand to see the person in the mirror, looking back at me. As I step into the bathroom and get under the shower, each drop of water almost feels like a bullet at close range hitting my skin. My achy body feels like an open canvas of raw nerves. I hurry through the shower and I'm glad when I'm finally done. When I'm dressed I go back into the bathroom to pick up my things. When I pick up my scrub pants, I feel the small jar. I carefully reach into the pocket and pull out the small plastic cup. It is transparent and I can see the blood covered toilet paper. Pain erupts suddenly through my chest and tears cloud my vision as I desperately try to breathe. I can feel my breath running through my mouth but breathing almost hurts so much I'm afraid I'm going to pass out. My breaths come out in rapped gasps and gulping noises, as I stare at the plastic cup with the remains of my baby and I feel sadder than ever. Reality has finally caught up with me…this is mine and Derek's dead baby! I make my way downstairs and run outside in my bare feet, heading straight to my gardening shed. I grab a shovel and in the pouring rain I run down the wooden staircase that leads to my garden. It's then that I loose my footing. Up into the air, the shovel, the plastic cup with my baby, we all go…slipping and sliding, down countless stairs…no shoes to stop me. The shovel comes down on top of my leg, leaving me with a two inch gash.
"Crap," I scowl.
I slowly continue down the stairs, limping towards the back fence where I find a small shrub, under which I dig a hole. I plop the plastic cup into the hole and bury it. I give the freshly dug grave a couple of solid pats and then I run back up to the house.
Startled, I find Cristina standing on the back deck, staring at me. I am dripping wet, bare feet caked in mud and blood streaming down my leg…and I'm holding a shovel. There's no question, I must look like a crazy woman. I can hear the telephone ringing in the house and as I hurry to get inside I snap at Cristina that I've just buried my fetus in the backyard.
To be continued in the next chapter