Homecoming
A Red Dwarf Fan Fiction
Elisabeth sat in her bunk on Starbug staring aimlessly off into space. Next to her bed the pipes were 'nureek'ing and 'retut'ing but she didn't even notice the noise. She didn't notice much these days; she mainly just sat around and stared off into space. She was so alone, so depressed. She hadn't been this depressed when she was alone on the simulant ship. Then she hadn't realized what she was missing, but now she knew and being alone broke her heart.
Sure, she wasn't completely alone, but Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Konchanski were poor substitutes for love. Elisabeth rested her forehead on her knees and choked out a sob, she'd been so upset since one of the knights escaped from the AR machine and killed Rimmer. Things were so different now, she felt so lost.
She knew that the others were worried about her, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Dave had hoped that Kristine's presence on the ship would bring Elisabeth around and even though the girls got along Elisabeth was still very depressed.
Elisabeth had finally found her soul mate only to have him murdered by a stupid AR smeg. Ace had offered to bring her with him, but Elisabeth didn't want to insult Arn's memory by shacking up with a self-involved git. When she told him that Ace seemed to be very hurt and yet understanding which surprised Elisabeth. She would have expected him to smack her on the butt as he had done his entire time on Starbug.
But that was so long ago, every now and then Lister would bring it up and mention that she should have gone with Ace. But she would simply shake her head and repeat that he wasn't the man she loved. Dave would frown and look like he had something to tell her, but then he would just walk away.
Elisabeth laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling lost in thought. After a few moments the door opened and Kristine burst in with so much force that Elisabeth tumbled off the bed.
She looked up from her spot on the floor at Kristine's excited face.
"Elisabeth, come quick!"
She stood up and followed Kristine to the cockpit where everyone was gathered staring out the window. She peeked around Kryten's shoulder and saw what the fuss was about.
Floating in space only a few feet in front of them was Red Dwarf. The nanobots had reconstructed it and now they were finally home. The others were excited but Elisabeth only shrugged. Seeing Red Dwarf just made tears come to her eyes, all of the memories that she shared with Arnold there came rushing to the surface and she sighed sadly.
She forced herself to smile at the others,
"It'll be good to get back into my bed."
Lister nodded, happy that she seemed to be excited about it. Then he looked back out the window to watch Cat pilot Starbug into the docking bay.
Elisabeth squinted out the window wondering if Red Dwarf grew or Starbug shrunk. To her right Lister started marveling about his body while everyone else was stuck on the fact that either they were growing or Red Dwarf was shrinking.
They were all thrown around the cockpit as Starbug scraped the ceilings of the grating they had flown into.
Elisabeth landed hard on the floor and just lay there for a while, not willing to test her legs again. Holly popped up on the screen and started babbling about something. She peered at him queerly, she had to get used to this new Holly. She kind of missed the old one.
Everyone was talking around her but Elisabeth was tuning it all out. She just lay in fetal position on the floor and waited for the crash that would kill them all. The ship shook violently but she just closed her eyes and waited. She didn't fear death anymore, now she just saw it as being reunited with Arn.
Suddenly all action stopped and quiet filled the air. Elisabeth sat up and looked around wondering if she was dead yet. But everyone seemed to be okay, just checking themselves out for breaks and bruises. When they felt they were okay, everyone started standing up. Kryten came over to Elisabeth thinking that she was having difficulty standing up and helped her to her feet.
Dave looked over to see three people with radiation suits on standing there, two of them remove their suits and Dave rushes to embrace them. Elisabeth watches this uncaringly, he seems to know these people. But the question is how the smeg did they get on Red Dwarf?
While hellos were being exchanged and Kristine explained that the nanobots reconstructed the crew along with the ship someone grabbed Lister by the collar. Elisabeth stared in fear at the man who was going to hurt Dave. Kristine's eyes widened.
"Captain Hollister!"
Elisabeth eyed this man, a man she had only heard about until now. She had been expecting a kindly older gentleman, not a tyrant who manhandled his crew in this fashion. Another man approached Dave and quickly read him his rights. Elisabeth panicked, she had to do something. She quickly pushed her way to the front of the group.
"Captain Hollister, I presume?"
Hollister eyed this girl with contempt as she sized her up.
"And you would be?"
Elisabeth took a deep, steadying breath and tried to be as regal as she could.
"I am Princess Elisabeth of Callisto and I declare diplomatic immunity for me and my entourage."
She gestured to the group standing behind her. Hollister studies her carefully before smiling warmly.
"Ah, Your Majesty, we have been awaiting your arrival. While I would be glad to grant your immunity I cannot do the same for these ragamuffins. Take them to the brig and tell Rimmer that his charge has arrived.
Elisabeth's eyes widened and she looked at Hollister again.
"Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, Bsc, Ssc?"
Hollister nodded, "Someone tell you about him already? It's so nice when everyone is up to speed."
Elisabeth only nodded, lost in her thoughts. Arnold was alive! But he wasn't truly the same Arnold that she had fallen in love with. This Arnold was technically five years younger than her Arnold and hadn't had the life of a hologram to change him. But still, he was Arnold. Perhaps she would learn to love him. Captain Hollister's voice snapped her out of her thoughts.
"Lead the princess to Rimmer's quarters, fit Lister and Konchanski with wristbands, and take these other two to the medibay."
Everyone jumped to follow the captain's orders. Before she could be led away, Elisabeth turned to face the others and mouthed,
"I'll get you out of this somehow."
Lister nodded and shot her a wink, she grinned back at him and allowed herself to be led away by Chen.
After a bit Elisabeth took the lead, she could get to Rimmer's cabin blindfolded. Chen marveled at her knowledge of the ship, wondering if she had been shown blueprints before she was brought aboard.
Elisabeth walked through the door with much trepidation, she was so scared of seeing Rimmer again. But the room was empty, she sighed and turned to face Chen.
"You're dismissed, I'll just wait for Ar...Mr. Rimmer myself"
Chen nodded and gave her a quick bow before exiting the room. Elisabeth sat down on the lower bunk and smiled to herself. It did feel good to be home.
She laid down on the bunk, she inhaled the scent of the covers and pillow. She sighed happily, it smelled like Arnold. It smelled wonderful.
She was just starting to doze off when a voice broke through her veil of sleep.
"Princess Elisabeth?"
She opened her eyes and looked up at whomever was standing over her. With a whoop she jumped out of the bunk and threw herself into his arms.
"Oh, Arnold! I've missed you so much!"
She leaned up to kiss him but he pushed her away and held her at arm's length. He didn't take his hands off her shoulders, he felt as if they were somehow stuck. He regarded her wonderingly.
"Have we met before?"
She beamed up at him and he couldn't help but smile back. She was so beautiful and all he knew about her was that she was a princess from Callisto. So how could she know him? None of it made any sense to him. He thought that it must have something to do with Lister crashing the Starbug. Elisabeth hugged him,
"Yes, we have met before. It's a long story but a nice one."
Rimmer started to untangle himself from her when he caught the ring on her finger. It was his ring, he would know it anywhere. He glanced down at his hand to see the same ring winking up at him. None of this made any sense.
"If you'll excuse me, Your Highness, I have some things to do. But we can talk later."
Elisabeth nodded happily and settled herself back down on Rimmer's bunk. As he was leaving, he glanced back at her and shook his head. He just didn't get it at all.
He found Lister in his cell staring off into space. He looked up when Rimmer entered and smiled.
"Hey, Rimmer, you see the princess yet?"
Rimmer nodded, "Yes, I did. She practically attacked me when she saw me. I thought you might know something about that."
Lister nodded and filled him in on the whole story. Rimmer was in part shocked, saddened, and thrilled. He found most of what Lister was saying hard to believe but he had a feeling that Lister wouldn't lie about something like this.
"So I am really engaged to a princess?"
"Well, sort of. Your hologram is really the one who is engaged to her, but she thinks he is dead. She doesn't know the truth and I am thinking we should keep it that way."
"So you think I could woo her?"
"I don't see why you wouldn't be able to, after all you two did promise to love only each other after only a few days. Just be slow and don't try to hard. Remember, she already loves you."
Rimmer nodded and the conversation turned to other things, including virus vitals and certain disks.
Not too longer later Elisabeth was wandering the corridors of the ship looking for Arnold. She hadn't seen much of him since the initial meeting in his quarters and she was beginning to get worried.
She walked into the captain's office and stared down the secretary.
"Is the captain in?"
"Yes, but he cannot be disturbed."
Elisabeth frowned, "Just tell him that Princess Elisabeth is here. I am sure he will want to see me."
The secretary nodded quickly, so this was the princess everyone was talking about. She could now see why the captain was so taken with her, she was very pretty.
Elisabeth walked into the captain's office and he smiled lecherously at her. Even though she seemed to be taken with Rimmer, he knew he would have her eventually. With a sigh, Elisabeth noted the lust in his eyes. That was the last thing she needed now.
"I am looking for Second Technician Rimmer, I can't seem to find him anywhere."
"Did you check the AR suite on floor 13?"
"No, I didn't..wait isn't floor 13 the brig?" The captain nodded, "Why is Rimmer in the brig?"
"I suspected that he was conspiring with Lister and the others. So I set him up in the AR machine to see what happens. So far it's not looking too good for Mr. Rimmer and company. Going to be two years in the brig minimum for the lot."
Elisabeth's eyes widened in panic, she had finally found Rimmer again and now he was going to be put in the brig! She couldn't let this happen.
Hollister noted Elisabeth's panic, "You know, I have been watching and your name seems to come up quite often. It seems that they are trying to get to you so you can all escape together. Any idea why they would be doing that?"
"Well, sir, they are my friends."
He nodded and shuffled some papers on his desk, "I am not going to put you in the brig, but be warned that I will have my eye on you."
He winked at her and she closed her eyes in disgust.
"Sir, may I have a visitation pass to floor 13?
Hollister nodded, "As long as you don't conspire for any escape attempts you can have a pass."
He reached into his drawer and pulled out an laminated pass. She took it with a smile.
"Thank you, Sir."
"Oh and I found your trunk locked in my safe, I had it taken down to Rimmer's cabin. You can stay there since both Rimmer and Lister are in the brig."
"Again, I thank you sir."
Elisabeth turned and walked away, leaving a drooling Captain Hollister behind. She made her way back to her quarters and found the trunk sitting in the center of the room.
Elisabeth opened it and found her crown on top. She giggled when she saw it, she had been without it for so long she forgot she even had one. She placed it on the lower bunk and pulled out a long blush pink gown. She wondered why she hadn't packed more appropriately, but then she remembered that he mother had packed insisting that she needed everyone to remember that she was royalty. Elisabeth had felt that was going against the whole incognito idea, but didn't feel like arguing.
She quickly changed into the gown and did her hair as nicely as she could before putting on the crown. Then she exited the room and made her way down to the kitchen. One of the helpers greeted her with a smile.
"How can I help you?"
"I need something of a picnic lunch, the nicest you can muster."
He nodded, "No problem, you want some wine? I may be able to find a bottle."
"That would be great, thanks."
Elisabeth only had to wait about five minutes before a basket was presented to her. She took it with a smile and headed off toward floor 13.
She flashed her pass and the guards let her by without any questions. Ackerman led her down the line of cells before they came to Arn and Dave's. He squinted at her as he unlocked the door.
"Remember, no funny business."
She nodded and walked into the cramped cell. Dave and Arnold looked up when she came into the room. Dave met her with a low whistle.
"Well, look at you! All dolled up for us."
Elisabeth grinned, "I have to play the part of princess again. Now do you think you could find another place to be?"
Dave laughed and jumped off his bunk, "I know when I am not wanted. I'll see you later."
He winked at Elisabeth as he pushed past her. Elisabeth set the basket down on the small table and looked up at Arn. He was watching her smiling.
"You came to see me?"
"Of course, nothing could have kept me away."
She opened the basket and pulled out a blanket. She laid it out on the floor and settled herself down on the blanket. She motioned for Arnold to join her as she set out their lunch.
"It's good to be a princess sometimes, because you get to do things other people wouldn't be able to do."
Arnold smiled and sat down next to her, "You know, you're beautiful."
Elisabeth blushed, "Thank you, Arn."
She was so happy, it was like they had never been apart. It was so nice to just sit and talk with him again. She had missed him so much and now that they were together again, she wasn't going to let anything keep them apart.
The next hour simply flew by, they were so caught up in each other. Every few minutes Ackerman would walk by and have to bang on the bars to make them stop kissing. But even he didn't seem as mean as he normally did. After the third time Arnold could have sworn he saw Ackerman smile.
But soon their hour was up and Lister came back into the cell. Elisabeth smiled at him as she stood up and brushed her dress off.
"Thank you, Dave."
She leaned up as if to kiss him on the check but instead she whispered in his ear.
"Do you still have any of the viruses left?"
Dave nodded and she looked pointedly at the basket. Dave got what she was getting at and he removed what was left of the luck virus and slipped it into the basket. Elisabeth frowned and looked pointedly at him. He nodded and slipped the sexual magnetism vial into the basket as well. Just then Ackerman walked by again, he looked into the cell.
"Ah, I see that the little party is over. I'll walk you back upstairs now, highness."
Elisabeth nodded and turned to Arnold, "I'll see you later, Arn."
She leaned into him and they kissed goodbye. Behind her she heard Ackerman snort and she had to giggle. She kissed Arnold again and made her way out of the cell, but not before winking at Dave. And then she was gone.
Rimmer sat down on his bunk and grinned, "I love her, man. I only spent an hour with her, but I love her."
"I knew you would, but I am worried about her."
"Why?"
"She has a plan to get us out of here, but I don't know what it is."
"She does? Gosh, I hope she doesn't get hurt. I couldn't live with myself if she got hurt on my account."
Dave smiled at Rimmer, he never thought that he would hear him say anything like that. Love did strange things to people and now Rimmer was actually becoming unselfish.
Elisabeth slipped back to her quarters and hid the vials, but not before putting a small amount of luck on her right index finger and a small amount of sexual magnetism on her left.
Then she delivered the basket back to the kitchen and started to the captain's office. She was scared, there was a chance that this whole thing could backfire on her and she would just end up in the brig herself. But she had to risk it, there was no other choice.
She entered the office and the secretary smiled at her
"Go right in, your majesty."
Elisabeth nodded and walked in and Hollister leered at her as he had done every time he saw her.
"How can I help you?"
"I've come to request that you grant my fiancée and his friends a full pardon."
"And who is your fiancée? Rimmer? You have to be kidding!"
Elisabeth shook her head and absentmindedly sucked on her left index finger. Within moments Hollister's eyes glazed over and he stood up.
"I'll give you anything you want, I'll even grant them full pardons. But only if you spend the night with me in my room."
She shook her head, "That's blackmail, Captain."
"Call it what you want, but we both get what we want."
Then before Elisabeth even saw it coming Captain Hollister flew at her. She could barely even scream as he wrestled her down to the floor. She struggled against him and sobbed, she had misjudged his desire for her and now it was too late. She should have known that this plan wasn't going to work.
She couldn't breath with Hollister's weight pressing down on her lungs. She panted and pushed, but to no avail. Finally she was able to let loose a loud scream that was met by a slap across her face.
Elisabeth heard a shout from behind her and suddenly the pressure on her chest was gone. She scurried back against the wall sobbing, she pulled into fetal position and quickly sucked on her right index finger.
She looked up to see Todhunter holding Hollister tightly and Hollister's secretary was kneeling next to her.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
"When I asked him to pardon my fiancée he said only if I slept with him and then he attacked me." She started sobbing again, she knew that her fear sounded genuine. She was still shaking over what might have happened if Todhunter hadn't stopped to flirt.
"What do you want me to do with him, your highness?" Todhunter asked.
"Take him to the brig and get Rimmer, Lister, Kryten, Kochanski, and Cat out. I guess I'll have to take charge here. I name you acting captain, Todhunter."
Hollister only stared at her, he couldn't believe that he had let his desire for her overcome him like that. He looked to see Todhunter frowning at him and he hung his head. The penalty for attacking a princess was death, Hollister knew that he was getting off easy.
Elisabeth went back to her cabin to lay down, she felt exhausted. She was sound asleep by the time Rimmer and Lister got there. Rimmer immediately went to her side and watched her sleep.
"I can't believe that Hollister attacked her like that, I know she is beautiful but still..."
"I think it was the virus more than anything."
"What?"
"The sexual magnetism virus, she must have used a little."
Arnold went white, "She could have been hurt! I can't believe she did that!"
Dave smiled and patted Rimmer's shoulder, "The things we do for love."
He looked up at Dave and simply shook his head, then he turned back to Elisabeth to pull the blanket up around her shoulders.
"You shouldn't have done that," he whispered. "You could have been hurt."
He brushed a strand of hair away from her face when the intercom crackled.
"All hands to the ball room. All hands to the ballroom."
Elisabeth stirred and woke up. She looked from Dave to Arnold sheepishly.
"Hi, guys."
Arnold gripped her shoulders tightly, "What were you thinking?"
She smiled softly, "Only of you, Arn."
Arnold smiled and they embraced, Dave stood back watching this touching scene with a smile. Suddenly someone cleared his or her throat behind them. Everyone turned to see Todhunter standing in the doorway.
"I need you to come with me, your majesty. I'd like to have you beside me when I make the announcement. I won't tell them what happened, but you really should be there."
Elisabeth nodded and stood up. Arnold helped her to adjust her crown and brush off her dress. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and left with Todhunter.
As they walked toward the ballroom, Todhunter studied her carefully. He couldn't see why someone this beautiful would go for Rimmer, but from what he had just seen he knew they loved each other very much. He could see why Hollister had wanted her, but he wasn't about to lose his job as acting captain over her.
They turned a corner and found themselves facing the full ballroom. He looked at Elisabeth and she nodded.
"I'm ready."
Someone had set up a small stage with a podium in one corner of the room and that is where they headed. The crowd parted like the Dead Sea as they passed by. Elisabeth tried to ignore the whispers but it was rather difficult, they all knew about what the captain had done. But she stared straight ahead, she wasn't going to let them get to her.
They reached the podium and Todhunter helped Elisabeth up the stairs. She took her place at the rear of the stage while Todhunter took is position behind the podium.
"As many of you may already know, Captain Hollister has been relieved of his duties and I have been named acting captain."
There was a collective gasp from the people who hadn't heard the news yet. This was the biggest thing to happen on Red Dwarf since everyone died. Todhunter held up his hands for silence. After a few moments of buzzing, the room finally quieted down.
"I now would like to introduce you all to Princess Elisabeth of Callisto who will be traveling with us from now on."
Elisabeth smiled and gave the crowd a small wave. There was a smattering of applause across the room. Everyone in the room eyed Elisabeth and she felt like a piece of meat on display. She sighed softly and searched out Arnold. She spotted him toward the front of the crowd, close to the stage. She smiled and winked at him and he grinned back.
She looked over to Todhunter, wondering if they were done yet. He nodded at her and turned back to the crowd.
"That's all for now, I will try to make this transition as smooth as humanly possible. You are all free to go back to your duties."
The crowd started milling around, talking about the announcement and the princess. Some whispers started that Elisabeth was dating a crew member, but no one was sure who yet.
But any question of just who Elisabeth was dating, ended when Arnold met her at the bottom of the stage steps. Elisabeth smiled as he swept her into a kiss. All eyes were on Elisabeth and Rimmer, it seemed impossible that a princess would go for a lowly second technician. But sure as anything, there they were.
Before Arnold and Elisabeth could leave Todhunter approached them.
"Your majesty, now that Rimmer and Lister are back in their quarters we need to place you somewhere else. It's against regulations to allow an unmarried couple to room together. So you'll be staying with Kochanski until the time of your nuptials. Have you set a date yet?"
Elisabeth looked at Arnold and shook her head, "We haven't had much time to really discuss it. I'll let you know as soon as a decision is made."
Then Elisabeth and Arnold quickly left the room before anymore questions could be asked. They pushed past all of the people as they made their way back to Rimmer's quarters. There was a congregation of people waiting outside the door hoping to catch a glimpse of the man who had wooed and won the Princess of Callisto.
They finally made it into the room and the door closed behind them. They were at were truly alone at last. No Lister smiling and giggling, no Ackerman bursting in, nobody at all.
Arnold pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. He never knew that it could be like this, to love someone so deeply after knowing them for so short a time. He released her and held her at arm's length, she was so beautiful.
"I want to do it tomorrow."
"Do what?"
"Get married, I want to get married tomorrow."
Elisabeth smiled and shook her head, "I want to do it right this time, Arn. The last time all we did was make vows, this time I want to have a real wedding with a dress and everything. I need at least two days to prepare. Okay?"
Arnold nodded, "We'll get married in two days, I'll tell Todhunter."
"First will you help me carry my trunk to Kristine's quarters?"
"Sure, Lis."
They both grabbed an end of the trunk and when back into the throng that was huddled outside the door. After about ten minutes of pushing through the crowd they were finally able to get to Kristine's quarters.
Kristine smiled when they came in.
"Hey, I hear that you two are causing quite a stir."
Elisabeth nodded, "And I wish they would all go away."
Kristine laughed, "I am sure things will die down eventually."
They set the trunk down and Elisabeth turned to Arnold.
"You had better get back, I have some work to do. I'll see you later though."
They kissed goodbye while Kris made gagging sounds. Elisabeth giggled and kissed him again before pushing him out of the room. Once he was gone, Elisabeth sat down on the bed and opened her trunk. She pawed around inside the trunk until she found what she wanted, a long white gown. She studied it before holding it up for Kristine to see.
"Do you think this would make a good wedding dress? It's the only white one I have."
Kristine stood up and eyed the dress carefully, it was certainly the most beautiful dress that she had ever seen in her life. To her it would have been a wedding dress, it Elisabeth it was probably an everyday dress.
"It would be perfect, it needs to be fixed a little bit. Nothing big, just some hemming and all. You just need a veil now."
Elisabeth reached into her trunk and pulled out a blue velvet box and opened it. Resting on blue satin was the a sapphire encrusted crown. Kristine gasped, it was the most ornate crown that she had ever seen. The simple tiara that Elisabeth now wore was nothing compared to the marvel that was in the box.
"Maybe we could just attach some gauze or something to this?"
Kristine nodded, "Yes, and I am pretty handy with a needle. I could help you if you need it."
"Oh, that would be great. I don't know much about sewing. We can start tomorrow, right now the events of the day are starting to catch up with me and I am exhausted."
Kristine nodded and reached under her bed. She pulled out Pepe and handed the doll to Elisabeth.
"I saved this from Starbug for you."
Elisabeth smiled, "Thanks, Kris."
She laid the doll on the bed and changed into her pajamas. She braided her hair and climbed into the bed. She was fast asleep within moments.
The next morning she woke up to find Kristine setting up a chair in the center of the room. She sat up and looked at her.
"What are you doing?"
"This for you to stand on so I can hem your dress while you are wearing it."
Elisabeth nodded, "Well that seems logical. Just let me get cleaned up and we'll get started."
Elisabeth quickly washed her face and brushed her teeth. She then pulled her hair up into a bun before putting on the dress. She stepped up onto the chair while Kristine walked around her trying to see what needed to be adjusted.
While Kristine poked and prodded, she hummed a little song. Elisabeth looked down at her queerly.
"What's that you're humming? It sounds very familiar."
"It's this song that I have in my head all the time. I don't know the name of it, I just can never get it out of my head."
"Well do you know the words?"
Kristine nodded and started singing, "It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere…"
"I'm all alone, more or less. Let me fly far away from here!"
"That's it exactly! How did you know?"
Elisabeth shrugged, "I have that song in my head all the time too. I don't know what it is called either. It's really weird."
Kristine nodded and started pinning the hem of the dress, "I guess it is one of those unexplained things."
"What is?" came a deep voice from behind them.
They both turned to see who was there to find Ace Rimmer staring at Elisabeth with a look of pure longing. He took several deep breaths before speaking again.
"Hey there, Lis."
"Hi, Ace, this is Kristine."
Kristine stood up and stared at this man who looked exactly like Rimmer except with longer hair. She looked to Elisabeth for some explanation.
"Kris, this is Ace Rimmer. He's Arnold from a different dimension."
Kristine smiled at Ace and she went back to hemming Elisabeth's dress. Ace could only stare at Elisabeth, it had been so long she he had seen her. She was more beautiful than he remembered, but he didn't understand why she was in that dress. It looked very much like a wedding dress to him.
"So, why are you all dolled up?"
"I'm getting married."
Ace felt his heart shatter into a million pieces, he had never felt so betrayed in his life. Just a few months ago she had told him that she wasn't going to dishonor his memory and here she was in a wedding dress.
Just then there was a knock at the door. Elisabeth looked to the door, she had a feeling it was Arnold.
"Who is it?"
"The Boyz from the Dwarf!" came Dave's reply.
Elisabeth giggled, "All four of you?"
"Yes, your majesty."
"Give me just a minute!"
She jumped off the chair and peeled off the gown, she pushed it into Kristine's arms.
"Hide this, quick!"
Kristine hid the gown while Elisabeth pulled on a robe. Neither of them noticed Ace staring at Elisabeth practically in tears. He knew that he was about to meet the man that she had moved onto.
Once the dress was hidden, Elisabeth called out to the posse waiting outside.
"You can come in now!"
The door opened and Dave was first through the door. Ace's heart started pounding, she couldn't be marrying Dave. She just couldn't be. Kryten and Cat came through the door next follow by Arnold.
Dave was the first to see Ace, he mouth fell open in shock. Then he turned to look at Arnold who hadn't seen him yet. He had rushed across the room to kiss Elisabeth.
Ace watched this whole scene with some confusion, he wasn't sure if he should be disappointed or glad that Elisabeth was happy. He couldn't bring himself to be jealous or angry, he only saw that Arnold J. Rimmer was with the woman that he loved.
Elisabeth pulled away from Arnold, "Arn, honey, I want you to meet Ace."
Arnold turned and saw Ace for the first time. He knew that this was the hologram that Elisabeth had fallen in love with. He approached him and held out his hand.
"A pleasure to meet you."
Ace shook his hand warmly, "The pleasure is mine, anyone who can make this little lady happy is a-okay in my book. It's nice to see that you've stopped crying, Lis."
Elisabeth smiled, "It is nice to be happy again, the last time you saw me I was very miserable. But now I have a shot at happiness again."
She reached out and took Arnold's hand, Ace watched this with a sigh. He shook his head and looked to Dave whose eyes were glowing with concern. He shook his head and turned back to Arnold.
"Do you mind if I kiss the bride then?"
"If it's okay with Lis, it's okay with me."
Elisabeth sighed, she remembered the last time Ace kissed her. It was right after Arnold had introduced her to him as his wife. He had rushed at her and pulled into a tight bear hug with a long and painful kiss. The kiss had been unyielding and selfish; nothing like the way Arnold kissed her.
"I suppose, just don't touch my butt this time."
Ace nodded and crossed the room to her side, he reached out to touch his fingertips against her cheeks. He studied her face, wanting to memorize every inch of it. Finally he leaned in and captured her lips in his own. Warmth flooded through Elisabeth, this was certainly not what she expected from Ace. The kiss was soft and sweet, very much like Arnold's kisses.
Elisabeth wrapped her arms around his neck and lost herself in the kiss, she moaned softly against his lips. Arnold wanted to break in and end this, but he couldn't bring himself to move. All everyone in the room could do was watch.
Finally the kiss broke and Elisabeth staggered back a few steps staring at Ace. She was breathing erratically and had her hand upon her heart.
"Arnold..."
And then she did the only thing that anyone else in the same position would have done. She fainted.
Arnold grabbed her just before she hit her head on the chair. He placed her on her bunk and brushed the hair away from her face. Dave grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room along with Ace and Cat.
"Kristine and Kryten will look after her. Cat, I think it's time for your nap."
"Nap? Now way, I want to see this!"
"Cat, go."
He sighed, "Fine, but you tell me about it later."
Once Cat was gone Dave looked at Ace.
"Why'd you come back?"
He looked at the floor and sighed, "I just wanted to see her again. How was I supposed to know that she was getting married? The last time I saw her she was an absolute wreck."
"And she was that way for months. She didn't start smiling again until we got back on the Dwarf and she found Rimmer here."
Arnold gave Ace a kind of wave and then shrugged, "I wouldn't blame you if you hated me."
"I don't hate you, if I did I would hate myself. We are the same person and I cannot hold any of this against her. I did leave her to be Ace Rimmer, I shouldn't have expected her to just sit around and mourn. But what I am missing here is where Arnold here came from and Kristine for that matter."
Dave quickly filled Ace in on all that had happened, the portal to the other dimension, the rebuilding of Red Dwarf with all its crew, and Captain Hollister's incarceration. Ace took all of it quite well until Dave got to the part about Captain Hollister.
"What do you mean Hollister attacked her?"
"That's exactly what I mean, he attacked her. He was wildly attracted to her and it got out of hand. If it hadn't been for Todhunter I don't even want to imagine what would have happened."
"I'll have to buy Todhunter a drink."
Arnold grinned, "You and me both. I still can't believe that Elisabeth named him captain, and I also can't believe that she is the highest ranking person on this ship."
Dave leaned against the wall, "She might even find a way to make you an officer, even though you failed the exam about a zillion times."
Arnold thought on that idea for a moment or two, he did want to be an officer but he didn't want to appear to be using her either. Ace smiled and clapped Arnold on the back.
"She'll do more than make him officer."
"What do you mean?" Dave asked, thinking that had to mean something dirty.
"She'll make him king."
Arnold frowned, "You mean king in the bedroom or something?"
"No, I mean King of Callisto. In my travels I found out that Callisto does still exist and there is no one on the throne. All Elisabeth has to do is get back there and claim her rightful spot. And since you will be marrying her, you'll be king."
Dave laughed, "King Arnold J. Rimmer of Callisto, it does have a certain ring to it."
Arnold shook his head, "That isn't really important right now since we'll most likely never get back there anyway. You don't object to our marriage, do you?"
Ace shook his head, "How can I? She's marrying me in a round about way. I give you my blessing, I may have been the one who originally proposed to her but you get to marry her. I had my chance with her and I let her go, don't you do the same."
"But what if she wakes up and realizes it's you she wants to be with."
"I'll try my best to dissuade her. She has more of a future with you than she does with me. She'd only be in danger with me, I love her enough to want her to be safe.
Just then the door opened and Kryten stuck his head out.
"She wants to see you, Sir."
Arnold nodded and headed into the room, Kryten held up an arm blocking his way.
"Not you, Sir, him."
Arnold turned to look at Ace before nodding, "Tell her I'm waiting out here if she needs me."
Kryten nodded and ushered Ace into the room. He pulled up a chair alongside the bed as Kryten and Kris found other places to be. Elisabeth sat up and stared at him for a moment before slapping him.
"It was Ace that died that day, not you."
Ace nodded sadly, "I can't say how sorry I am and I don't blame you it you hate me."
"I could never hate you, I'm hurt and disappointed. I wish you had told me that you wanted to leave and that you wanted to be Ace Rimmer without me."
Ace clasped her hand firmly, "It's not that I didn't want you to be with me, I wanted you to be there. Not a day went by that I didn't regret not having you with me. But Ace told me to leave you and I was worried that if you came with me you would get hurt. And if you had gotten hurt I wouldn't have been able to live with myself."
Elisabeth stared into his eyes and shook her head sadly, she was so confused. She loved them both, but could only be with one of them.
"I don't know what to do now. We are promised to each other after all."
"Lis, honey, I won't hold to that promise. I want you to stay here, you can have a future with him. He's a flesh and blood man while I am simply a hologram of that man. He is the original and I am the copy. You can have children with him, you can rule Callisto with him. I can't do any of those things with you, I have to save the universe. You deserve to be happy and you have a chance with Arnold. Stay here with him."
Elisabeth stared up at him and she decided that this was the most unselfish thing he had ever done. She could see in his eyes that saying the words pained him. She kissed him on the cheek and gave him a hug.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Lis, I always will."
"Even if I said I didn't want to stay here you would leave without me, right?"
Ace nodded, "As much as I love you, I would leave without you. Let's give Arnold out there a shot at happiness. I had mine, it's his turn."
He pulled away and went to the door. He opened it and brought Arnold in.
"You have my blessing, both of you. Now I must be off."
"You won't even stay for the wedding?" asked Elisabeth.
"I think that would be a tad uncomfortable, Lis, it will be better if I just go now. You'll always be with me and now I leave you both to your future together."
He extended his hand to Arnold who shook it warmly, "Are you going to say goodbye to Dave?"
"I suppose I should, I am going to leave right after I say goodbye to him. Goodbye, Love."
He leaned over to kiss her cheek and then within a blink of an eye he was gone. Elisabeth stared at the floor and Arnold crossed to her side.
"Are you okay, Lis?" he asked, taking her hand.
She nodded and looked up at him. She smiled into his eyes and squeezed his hand.
"I am with the man I love, how could I not be okay?"
"You don't want to go with him?"
"I do and I don't, Arn. It's hard to explain, but I love you and I want to stay with you."
"I can accept that, now why don't you lay down for a bit?
"I can't, there is too much to do. Will you send Kristine back in here, we have to finish with the dresses. You have to find yourself a tuxedo, oh and find ones for Dave, Cat, and Kryten. Just raid Cat's closet if you have to. He is sure to have something."
Arnold sat back and grinned, she certainly knew how to give orders. He was glad that they had been able to survive that crisis, it only gave him more hope for their future. He gave her a kiss before heading out to do what he had been ordered to.
The next two days went by in a blur of preparations, Elisabeth hardly remembered even sleeping as she and Kris fixed dresses and made decorations. Dave was always grumbling about having to wear a suit but he kept saying he would do it for Elisabeth. Kristine kept giggling about how handsome Dave looked in the suit and Elisabeth would only smile and nod.
Finally the day of the wedding came and Elisabeth was practically dancing on air. She and Kristine were in their cabin putting the finishing touches on their dresses when there was a knock on the door. Elisabeth froze, afraid that it was Arnold.
"Who is it?"
"Kryten, Miss."
"Is Arnold with you?"
"No, Ma'am, he is in his cabin with Mr. Lister. When I saw him last he was singing some sort of song about getting to the church on time."
Elisabeth giggled and let Kryten in. He entered the room and took in the two women standing before him.
"Why, Miss Kochanski, Miss Bonaparte, you both look lovely. Miss Kochanksi, red was always a lovely color for you and Miss Bonaparte, I must say that you are glowing."
Elisabeth blushed and linked her arm through Kryten's, "Is everything set?"
"Yes, Ma'am, Cat has already gone to the chapel and Mr. Lister and Mr. Rimmer will be heading there shortly."
Elisabeth smiled, "Then let's go."
The three of them headed down to the chapel, everyone they passed along the way either bowed or gave Elisabeth their good wishes. Elisabeth was not a bit nervous as they got closer to the chapel.
Once they reached the doors, Kristine peeked in to see if Dave and Arnold were ready. Then she turned to wink at Kryten and Elisabeth.
"They're set, it's time."
Elisabeth nodded and gripped Kryten's arm tightly. Just then Cat joined them holding a basket of flowers in one hand and a pillow with rings in the other. He didn't mind playing double duty, he loved getting double the attention.
Kristine poked her head back into the chapel and gave the organist the cue to begin. She rubbed her hand together in excitement and launched right into the wedding march. Rimmer look toward the doors as they swung opened. He couldn't see Elisabeth, the first person he saw was Cat prancing down the aisle. Next came Kristine and Arnold heard Dave groan next to him, he snickered softly.
Then he glanced back at the doors just as Kryten and Elisabeth appeared, he felt his knees go weak and his lungs constrict. He put his hand on Dave's shoulder to keep from falling down. The vision that was floating down the aisle toward him was soon to be his wife, he could hardly believe it.
She reached his side and gave Kryten a kiss on the cheek, then she turned to Arnold and took his hand. Arnold had never been happier in his entire life. His only regret was that his family wasn't there to see this and to see what a wonderful woman he was marrying. Even thought he disliked them all greatly, he still would have liked to be able to share this day with them.
They both turned to face Todhunter who led the ceremony that joined Arnold Judas Rimmer BSc, SSc and Princess Elisabeth Bonaparte of Callisto, as man and wife, King and Queen, and partners in life.
And from somewhere in the back of the room, Ace Rimmer smiled. He knew that he had done the right thing. Now he had a universe to save. And with that he was gone.
A Red Dwarf Fan Fiction
Elisabeth sat in her bunk on Starbug staring aimlessly off into space. Next to her bed the pipes were 'nureek'ing and 'retut'ing but she didn't even notice the noise. She didn't notice much these days; she mainly just sat around and stared off into space. She was so alone, so depressed. She hadn't been this depressed when she was alone on the simulant ship. Then she hadn't realized what she was missing, but now she knew and being alone broke her heart.
Sure, she wasn't completely alone, but Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Konchanski were poor substitutes for love. Elisabeth rested her forehead on her knees and choked out a sob, she'd been so upset since one of the knights escaped from the AR machine and killed Rimmer. Things were so different now, she felt so lost.
She knew that the others were worried about her, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Dave had hoped that Kristine's presence on the ship would bring Elisabeth around and even though the girls got along Elisabeth was still very depressed.
Elisabeth had finally found her soul mate only to have him murdered by a stupid AR smeg. Ace had offered to bring her with him, but Elisabeth didn't want to insult Arn's memory by shacking up with a self-involved git. When she told him that Ace seemed to be very hurt and yet understanding which surprised Elisabeth. She would have expected him to smack her on the butt as he had done his entire time on Starbug.
But that was so long ago, every now and then Lister would bring it up and mention that she should have gone with Ace. But she would simply shake her head and repeat that he wasn't the man she loved. Dave would frown and look like he had something to tell her, but then he would just walk away.
Elisabeth laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling lost in thought. After a few moments the door opened and Kristine burst in with so much force that Elisabeth tumbled off the bed.
She looked up from her spot on the floor at Kristine's excited face.
"Elisabeth, come quick!"
She stood up and followed Kristine to the cockpit where everyone was gathered staring out the window. She peeked around Kryten's shoulder and saw what the fuss was about.
Floating in space only a few feet in front of them was Red Dwarf. The nanobots had reconstructed it and now they were finally home. The others were excited but Elisabeth only shrugged. Seeing Red Dwarf just made tears come to her eyes, all of the memories that she shared with Arnold there came rushing to the surface and she sighed sadly.
She forced herself to smile at the others,
"It'll be good to get back into my bed."
Lister nodded, happy that she seemed to be excited about it. Then he looked back out the window to watch Cat pilot Starbug into the docking bay.
Elisabeth squinted out the window wondering if Red Dwarf grew or Starbug shrunk. To her right Lister started marveling about his body while everyone else was stuck on the fact that either they were growing or Red Dwarf was shrinking.
They were all thrown around the cockpit as Starbug scraped the ceilings of the grating they had flown into.
Elisabeth landed hard on the floor and just lay there for a while, not willing to test her legs again. Holly popped up on the screen and started babbling about something. She peered at him queerly, she had to get used to this new Holly. She kind of missed the old one.
Everyone was talking around her but Elisabeth was tuning it all out. She just lay in fetal position on the floor and waited for the crash that would kill them all. The ship shook violently but she just closed her eyes and waited. She didn't fear death anymore, now she just saw it as being reunited with Arn.
Suddenly all action stopped and quiet filled the air. Elisabeth sat up and looked around wondering if she was dead yet. But everyone seemed to be okay, just checking themselves out for breaks and bruises. When they felt they were okay, everyone started standing up. Kryten came over to Elisabeth thinking that she was having difficulty standing up and helped her to her feet.
Dave looked over to see three people with radiation suits on standing there, two of them remove their suits and Dave rushes to embrace them. Elisabeth watches this uncaringly, he seems to know these people. But the question is how the smeg did they get on Red Dwarf?
While hellos were being exchanged and Kristine explained that the nanobots reconstructed the crew along with the ship someone grabbed Lister by the collar. Elisabeth stared in fear at the man who was going to hurt Dave. Kristine's eyes widened.
"Captain Hollister!"
Elisabeth eyed this man, a man she had only heard about until now. She had been expecting a kindly older gentleman, not a tyrant who manhandled his crew in this fashion. Another man approached Dave and quickly read him his rights. Elisabeth panicked, she had to do something. She quickly pushed her way to the front of the group.
"Captain Hollister, I presume?"
Hollister eyed this girl with contempt as she sized her up.
"And you would be?"
Elisabeth took a deep, steadying breath and tried to be as regal as she could.
"I am Princess Elisabeth of Callisto and I declare diplomatic immunity for me and my entourage."
She gestured to the group standing behind her. Hollister studies her carefully before smiling warmly.
"Ah, Your Majesty, we have been awaiting your arrival. While I would be glad to grant your immunity I cannot do the same for these ragamuffins. Take them to the brig and tell Rimmer that his charge has arrived.
Elisabeth's eyes widened and she looked at Hollister again.
"Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, Bsc, Ssc?"
Hollister nodded, "Someone tell you about him already? It's so nice when everyone is up to speed."
Elisabeth only nodded, lost in her thoughts. Arnold was alive! But he wasn't truly the same Arnold that she had fallen in love with. This Arnold was technically five years younger than her Arnold and hadn't had the life of a hologram to change him. But still, he was Arnold. Perhaps she would learn to love him. Captain Hollister's voice snapped her out of her thoughts.
"Lead the princess to Rimmer's quarters, fit Lister and Konchanski with wristbands, and take these other two to the medibay."
Everyone jumped to follow the captain's orders. Before she could be led away, Elisabeth turned to face the others and mouthed,
"I'll get you out of this somehow."
Lister nodded and shot her a wink, she grinned back at him and allowed herself to be led away by Chen.
After a bit Elisabeth took the lead, she could get to Rimmer's cabin blindfolded. Chen marveled at her knowledge of the ship, wondering if she had been shown blueprints before she was brought aboard.
Elisabeth walked through the door with much trepidation, she was so scared of seeing Rimmer again. But the room was empty, she sighed and turned to face Chen.
"You're dismissed, I'll just wait for Ar...Mr. Rimmer myself"
Chen nodded and gave her a quick bow before exiting the room. Elisabeth sat down on the lower bunk and smiled to herself. It did feel good to be home.
She laid down on the bunk, she inhaled the scent of the covers and pillow. She sighed happily, it smelled like Arnold. It smelled wonderful.
She was just starting to doze off when a voice broke through her veil of sleep.
"Princess Elisabeth?"
She opened her eyes and looked up at whomever was standing over her. With a whoop she jumped out of the bunk and threw herself into his arms.
"Oh, Arnold! I've missed you so much!"
She leaned up to kiss him but he pushed her away and held her at arm's length. He didn't take his hands off her shoulders, he felt as if they were somehow stuck. He regarded her wonderingly.
"Have we met before?"
She beamed up at him and he couldn't help but smile back. She was so beautiful and all he knew about her was that she was a princess from Callisto. So how could she know him? None of it made any sense to him. He thought that it must have something to do with Lister crashing the Starbug. Elisabeth hugged him,
"Yes, we have met before. It's a long story but a nice one."
Rimmer started to untangle himself from her when he caught the ring on her finger. It was his ring, he would know it anywhere. He glanced down at his hand to see the same ring winking up at him. None of this made any sense.
"If you'll excuse me, Your Highness, I have some things to do. But we can talk later."
Elisabeth nodded happily and settled herself back down on Rimmer's bunk. As he was leaving, he glanced back at her and shook his head. He just didn't get it at all.
He found Lister in his cell staring off into space. He looked up when Rimmer entered and smiled.
"Hey, Rimmer, you see the princess yet?"
Rimmer nodded, "Yes, I did. She practically attacked me when she saw me. I thought you might know something about that."
Lister nodded and filled him in on the whole story. Rimmer was in part shocked, saddened, and thrilled. He found most of what Lister was saying hard to believe but he had a feeling that Lister wouldn't lie about something like this.
"So I am really engaged to a princess?"
"Well, sort of. Your hologram is really the one who is engaged to her, but she thinks he is dead. She doesn't know the truth and I am thinking we should keep it that way."
"So you think I could woo her?"
"I don't see why you wouldn't be able to, after all you two did promise to love only each other after only a few days. Just be slow and don't try to hard. Remember, she already loves you."
Rimmer nodded and the conversation turned to other things, including virus vitals and certain disks.
Not too longer later Elisabeth was wandering the corridors of the ship looking for Arnold. She hadn't seen much of him since the initial meeting in his quarters and she was beginning to get worried.
She walked into the captain's office and stared down the secretary.
"Is the captain in?"
"Yes, but he cannot be disturbed."
Elisabeth frowned, "Just tell him that Princess Elisabeth is here. I am sure he will want to see me."
The secretary nodded quickly, so this was the princess everyone was talking about. She could now see why the captain was so taken with her, she was very pretty.
Elisabeth walked into the captain's office and he smiled lecherously at her. Even though she seemed to be taken with Rimmer, he knew he would have her eventually. With a sigh, Elisabeth noted the lust in his eyes. That was the last thing she needed now.
"I am looking for Second Technician Rimmer, I can't seem to find him anywhere."
"Did you check the AR suite on floor 13?"
"No, I didn't..wait isn't floor 13 the brig?" The captain nodded, "Why is Rimmer in the brig?"
"I suspected that he was conspiring with Lister and the others. So I set him up in the AR machine to see what happens. So far it's not looking too good for Mr. Rimmer and company. Going to be two years in the brig minimum for the lot."
Elisabeth's eyes widened in panic, she had finally found Rimmer again and now he was going to be put in the brig! She couldn't let this happen.
Hollister noted Elisabeth's panic, "You know, I have been watching and your name seems to come up quite often. It seems that they are trying to get to you so you can all escape together. Any idea why they would be doing that?"
"Well, sir, they are my friends."
He nodded and shuffled some papers on his desk, "I am not going to put you in the brig, but be warned that I will have my eye on you."
He winked at her and she closed her eyes in disgust.
"Sir, may I have a visitation pass to floor 13?
Hollister nodded, "As long as you don't conspire for any escape attempts you can have a pass."
He reached into his drawer and pulled out an laminated pass. She took it with a smile.
"Thank you, Sir."
"Oh and I found your trunk locked in my safe, I had it taken down to Rimmer's cabin. You can stay there since both Rimmer and Lister are in the brig."
"Again, I thank you sir."
Elisabeth turned and walked away, leaving a drooling Captain Hollister behind. She made her way back to her quarters and found the trunk sitting in the center of the room.
Elisabeth opened it and found her crown on top. She giggled when she saw it, she had been without it for so long she forgot she even had one. She placed it on the lower bunk and pulled out a long blush pink gown. She wondered why she hadn't packed more appropriately, but then she remembered that he mother had packed insisting that she needed everyone to remember that she was royalty. Elisabeth had felt that was going against the whole incognito idea, but didn't feel like arguing.
She quickly changed into the gown and did her hair as nicely as she could before putting on the crown. Then she exited the room and made her way down to the kitchen. One of the helpers greeted her with a smile.
"How can I help you?"
"I need something of a picnic lunch, the nicest you can muster."
He nodded, "No problem, you want some wine? I may be able to find a bottle."
"That would be great, thanks."
Elisabeth only had to wait about five minutes before a basket was presented to her. She took it with a smile and headed off toward floor 13.
She flashed her pass and the guards let her by without any questions. Ackerman led her down the line of cells before they came to Arn and Dave's. He squinted at her as he unlocked the door.
"Remember, no funny business."
She nodded and walked into the cramped cell. Dave and Arnold looked up when she came into the room. Dave met her with a low whistle.
"Well, look at you! All dolled up for us."
Elisabeth grinned, "I have to play the part of princess again. Now do you think you could find another place to be?"
Dave laughed and jumped off his bunk, "I know when I am not wanted. I'll see you later."
He winked at Elisabeth as he pushed past her. Elisabeth set the basket down on the small table and looked up at Arn. He was watching her smiling.
"You came to see me?"
"Of course, nothing could have kept me away."
She opened the basket and pulled out a blanket. She laid it out on the floor and settled herself down on the blanket. She motioned for Arnold to join her as she set out their lunch.
"It's good to be a princess sometimes, because you get to do things other people wouldn't be able to do."
Arnold smiled and sat down next to her, "You know, you're beautiful."
Elisabeth blushed, "Thank you, Arn."
She was so happy, it was like they had never been apart. It was so nice to just sit and talk with him again. She had missed him so much and now that they were together again, she wasn't going to let anything keep them apart.
The next hour simply flew by, they were so caught up in each other. Every few minutes Ackerman would walk by and have to bang on the bars to make them stop kissing. But even he didn't seem as mean as he normally did. After the third time Arnold could have sworn he saw Ackerman smile.
But soon their hour was up and Lister came back into the cell. Elisabeth smiled at him as she stood up and brushed her dress off.
"Thank you, Dave."
She leaned up as if to kiss him on the check but instead she whispered in his ear.
"Do you still have any of the viruses left?"
Dave nodded and she looked pointedly at the basket. Dave got what she was getting at and he removed what was left of the luck virus and slipped it into the basket. Elisabeth frowned and looked pointedly at him. He nodded and slipped the sexual magnetism vial into the basket as well. Just then Ackerman walked by again, he looked into the cell.
"Ah, I see that the little party is over. I'll walk you back upstairs now, highness."
Elisabeth nodded and turned to Arnold, "I'll see you later, Arn."
She leaned into him and they kissed goodbye. Behind her she heard Ackerman snort and she had to giggle. She kissed Arnold again and made her way out of the cell, but not before winking at Dave. And then she was gone.
Rimmer sat down on his bunk and grinned, "I love her, man. I only spent an hour with her, but I love her."
"I knew you would, but I am worried about her."
"Why?"
"She has a plan to get us out of here, but I don't know what it is."
"She does? Gosh, I hope she doesn't get hurt. I couldn't live with myself if she got hurt on my account."
Dave smiled at Rimmer, he never thought that he would hear him say anything like that. Love did strange things to people and now Rimmer was actually becoming unselfish.
Elisabeth slipped back to her quarters and hid the vials, but not before putting a small amount of luck on her right index finger and a small amount of sexual magnetism on her left.
Then she delivered the basket back to the kitchen and started to the captain's office. She was scared, there was a chance that this whole thing could backfire on her and she would just end up in the brig herself. But she had to risk it, there was no other choice.
She entered the office and the secretary smiled at her
"Go right in, your majesty."
Elisabeth nodded and walked in and Hollister leered at her as he had done every time he saw her.
"How can I help you?"
"I've come to request that you grant my fiancée and his friends a full pardon."
"And who is your fiancée? Rimmer? You have to be kidding!"
Elisabeth shook her head and absentmindedly sucked on her left index finger. Within moments Hollister's eyes glazed over and he stood up.
"I'll give you anything you want, I'll even grant them full pardons. But only if you spend the night with me in my room."
She shook her head, "That's blackmail, Captain."
"Call it what you want, but we both get what we want."
Then before Elisabeth even saw it coming Captain Hollister flew at her. She could barely even scream as he wrestled her down to the floor. She struggled against him and sobbed, she had misjudged his desire for her and now it was too late. She should have known that this plan wasn't going to work.
She couldn't breath with Hollister's weight pressing down on her lungs. She panted and pushed, but to no avail. Finally she was able to let loose a loud scream that was met by a slap across her face.
Elisabeth heard a shout from behind her and suddenly the pressure on her chest was gone. She scurried back against the wall sobbing, she pulled into fetal position and quickly sucked on her right index finger.
She looked up to see Todhunter holding Hollister tightly and Hollister's secretary was kneeling next to her.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
"When I asked him to pardon my fiancée he said only if I slept with him and then he attacked me." She started sobbing again, she knew that her fear sounded genuine. She was still shaking over what might have happened if Todhunter hadn't stopped to flirt.
"What do you want me to do with him, your highness?" Todhunter asked.
"Take him to the brig and get Rimmer, Lister, Kryten, Kochanski, and Cat out. I guess I'll have to take charge here. I name you acting captain, Todhunter."
Hollister only stared at her, he couldn't believe that he had let his desire for her overcome him like that. He looked to see Todhunter frowning at him and he hung his head. The penalty for attacking a princess was death, Hollister knew that he was getting off easy.
Elisabeth went back to her cabin to lay down, she felt exhausted. She was sound asleep by the time Rimmer and Lister got there. Rimmer immediately went to her side and watched her sleep.
"I can't believe that Hollister attacked her like that, I know she is beautiful but still..."
"I think it was the virus more than anything."
"What?"
"The sexual magnetism virus, she must have used a little."
Arnold went white, "She could have been hurt! I can't believe she did that!"
Dave smiled and patted Rimmer's shoulder, "The things we do for love."
He looked up at Dave and simply shook his head, then he turned back to Elisabeth to pull the blanket up around her shoulders.
"You shouldn't have done that," he whispered. "You could have been hurt."
He brushed a strand of hair away from her face when the intercom crackled.
"All hands to the ball room. All hands to the ballroom."
Elisabeth stirred and woke up. She looked from Dave to Arnold sheepishly.
"Hi, guys."
Arnold gripped her shoulders tightly, "What were you thinking?"
She smiled softly, "Only of you, Arn."
Arnold smiled and they embraced, Dave stood back watching this touching scene with a smile. Suddenly someone cleared his or her throat behind them. Everyone turned to see Todhunter standing in the doorway.
"I need you to come with me, your majesty. I'd like to have you beside me when I make the announcement. I won't tell them what happened, but you really should be there."
Elisabeth nodded and stood up. Arnold helped her to adjust her crown and brush off her dress. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and left with Todhunter.
As they walked toward the ballroom, Todhunter studied her carefully. He couldn't see why someone this beautiful would go for Rimmer, but from what he had just seen he knew they loved each other very much. He could see why Hollister had wanted her, but he wasn't about to lose his job as acting captain over her.
They turned a corner and found themselves facing the full ballroom. He looked at Elisabeth and she nodded.
"I'm ready."
Someone had set up a small stage with a podium in one corner of the room and that is where they headed. The crowd parted like the Dead Sea as they passed by. Elisabeth tried to ignore the whispers but it was rather difficult, they all knew about what the captain had done. But she stared straight ahead, she wasn't going to let them get to her.
They reached the podium and Todhunter helped Elisabeth up the stairs. She took her place at the rear of the stage while Todhunter took is position behind the podium.
"As many of you may already know, Captain Hollister has been relieved of his duties and I have been named acting captain."
There was a collective gasp from the people who hadn't heard the news yet. This was the biggest thing to happen on Red Dwarf since everyone died. Todhunter held up his hands for silence. After a few moments of buzzing, the room finally quieted down.
"I now would like to introduce you all to Princess Elisabeth of Callisto who will be traveling with us from now on."
Elisabeth smiled and gave the crowd a small wave. There was a smattering of applause across the room. Everyone in the room eyed Elisabeth and she felt like a piece of meat on display. She sighed softly and searched out Arnold. She spotted him toward the front of the crowd, close to the stage. She smiled and winked at him and he grinned back.
She looked over to Todhunter, wondering if they were done yet. He nodded at her and turned back to the crowd.
"That's all for now, I will try to make this transition as smooth as humanly possible. You are all free to go back to your duties."
The crowd started milling around, talking about the announcement and the princess. Some whispers started that Elisabeth was dating a crew member, but no one was sure who yet.
But any question of just who Elisabeth was dating, ended when Arnold met her at the bottom of the stage steps. Elisabeth smiled as he swept her into a kiss. All eyes were on Elisabeth and Rimmer, it seemed impossible that a princess would go for a lowly second technician. But sure as anything, there they were.
Before Arnold and Elisabeth could leave Todhunter approached them.
"Your majesty, now that Rimmer and Lister are back in their quarters we need to place you somewhere else. It's against regulations to allow an unmarried couple to room together. So you'll be staying with Kochanski until the time of your nuptials. Have you set a date yet?"
Elisabeth looked at Arnold and shook her head, "We haven't had much time to really discuss it. I'll let you know as soon as a decision is made."
Then Elisabeth and Arnold quickly left the room before anymore questions could be asked. They pushed past all of the people as they made their way back to Rimmer's quarters. There was a congregation of people waiting outside the door hoping to catch a glimpse of the man who had wooed and won the Princess of Callisto.
They finally made it into the room and the door closed behind them. They were at were truly alone at last. No Lister smiling and giggling, no Ackerman bursting in, nobody at all.
Arnold pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. He never knew that it could be like this, to love someone so deeply after knowing them for so short a time. He released her and held her at arm's length, she was so beautiful.
"I want to do it tomorrow."
"Do what?"
"Get married, I want to get married tomorrow."
Elisabeth smiled and shook her head, "I want to do it right this time, Arn. The last time all we did was make vows, this time I want to have a real wedding with a dress and everything. I need at least two days to prepare. Okay?"
Arnold nodded, "We'll get married in two days, I'll tell Todhunter."
"First will you help me carry my trunk to Kristine's quarters?"
"Sure, Lis."
They both grabbed an end of the trunk and when back into the throng that was huddled outside the door. After about ten minutes of pushing through the crowd they were finally able to get to Kristine's quarters.
Kristine smiled when they came in.
"Hey, I hear that you two are causing quite a stir."
Elisabeth nodded, "And I wish they would all go away."
Kristine laughed, "I am sure things will die down eventually."
They set the trunk down and Elisabeth turned to Arnold.
"You had better get back, I have some work to do. I'll see you later though."
They kissed goodbye while Kris made gagging sounds. Elisabeth giggled and kissed him again before pushing him out of the room. Once he was gone, Elisabeth sat down on the bed and opened her trunk. She pawed around inside the trunk until she found what she wanted, a long white gown. She studied it before holding it up for Kristine to see.
"Do you think this would make a good wedding dress? It's the only white one I have."
Kristine stood up and eyed the dress carefully, it was certainly the most beautiful dress that she had ever seen in her life. To her it would have been a wedding dress, it Elisabeth it was probably an everyday dress.
"It would be perfect, it needs to be fixed a little bit. Nothing big, just some hemming and all. You just need a veil now."
Elisabeth reached into her trunk and pulled out a blue velvet box and opened it. Resting on blue satin was the a sapphire encrusted crown. Kristine gasped, it was the most ornate crown that she had ever seen. The simple tiara that Elisabeth now wore was nothing compared to the marvel that was in the box.
"Maybe we could just attach some gauze or something to this?"
Kristine nodded, "Yes, and I am pretty handy with a needle. I could help you if you need it."
"Oh, that would be great. I don't know much about sewing. We can start tomorrow, right now the events of the day are starting to catch up with me and I am exhausted."
Kristine nodded and reached under her bed. She pulled out Pepe and handed the doll to Elisabeth.
"I saved this from Starbug for you."
Elisabeth smiled, "Thanks, Kris."
She laid the doll on the bed and changed into her pajamas. She braided her hair and climbed into the bed. She was fast asleep within moments.
The next morning she woke up to find Kristine setting up a chair in the center of the room. She sat up and looked at her.
"What are you doing?"
"This for you to stand on so I can hem your dress while you are wearing it."
Elisabeth nodded, "Well that seems logical. Just let me get cleaned up and we'll get started."
Elisabeth quickly washed her face and brushed her teeth. She then pulled her hair up into a bun before putting on the dress. She stepped up onto the chair while Kristine walked around her trying to see what needed to be adjusted.
While Kristine poked and prodded, she hummed a little song. Elisabeth looked down at her queerly.
"What's that you're humming? It sounds very familiar."
"It's this song that I have in my head all the time. I don't know the name of it, I just can never get it out of my head."
"Well do you know the words?"
Kristine nodded and started singing, "It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere…"
"I'm all alone, more or less. Let me fly far away from here!"
"That's it exactly! How did you know?"
Elisabeth shrugged, "I have that song in my head all the time too. I don't know what it is called either. It's really weird."
Kristine nodded and started pinning the hem of the dress, "I guess it is one of those unexplained things."
"What is?" came a deep voice from behind them.
They both turned to see who was there to find Ace Rimmer staring at Elisabeth with a look of pure longing. He took several deep breaths before speaking again.
"Hey there, Lis."
"Hi, Ace, this is Kristine."
Kristine stood up and stared at this man who looked exactly like Rimmer except with longer hair. She looked to Elisabeth for some explanation.
"Kris, this is Ace Rimmer. He's Arnold from a different dimension."
Kristine smiled at Ace and she went back to hemming Elisabeth's dress. Ace could only stare at Elisabeth, it had been so long she he had seen her. She was more beautiful than he remembered, but he didn't understand why she was in that dress. It looked very much like a wedding dress to him.
"So, why are you all dolled up?"
"I'm getting married."
Ace felt his heart shatter into a million pieces, he had never felt so betrayed in his life. Just a few months ago she had told him that she wasn't going to dishonor his memory and here she was in a wedding dress.
Just then there was a knock at the door. Elisabeth looked to the door, she had a feeling it was Arnold.
"Who is it?"
"The Boyz from the Dwarf!" came Dave's reply.
Elisabeth giggled, "All four of you?"
"Yes, your majesty."
"Give me just a minute!"
She jumped off the chair and peeled off the gown, she pushed it into Kristine's arms.
"Hide this, quick!"
Kristine hid the gown while Elisabeth pulled on a robe. Neither of them noticed Ace staring at Elisabeth practically in tears. He knew that he was about to meet the man that she had moved onto.
Once the dress was hidden, Elisabeth called out to the posse waiting outside.
"You can come in now!"
The door opened and Dave was first through the door. Ace's heart started pounding, she couldn't be marrying Dave. She just couldn't be. Kryten and Cat came through the door next follow by Arnold.
Dave was the first to see Ace, he mouth fell open in shock. Then he turned to look at Arnold who hadn't seen him yet. He had rushed across the room to kiss Elisabeth.
Ace watched this whole scene with some confusion, he wasn't sure if he should be disappointed or glad that Elisabeth was happy. He couldn't bring himself to be jealous or angry, he only saw that Arnold J. Rimmer was with the woman that he loved.
Elisabeth pulled away from Arnold, "Arn, honey, I want you to meet Ace."
Arnold turned and saw Ace for the first time. He knew that this was the hologram that Elisabeth had fallen in love with. He approached him and held out his hand.
"A pleasure to meet you."
Ace shook his hand warmly, "The pleasure is mine, anyone who can make this little lady happy is a-okay in my book. It's nice to see that you've stopped crying, Lis."
Elisabeth smiled, "It is nice to be happy again, the last time you saw me I was very miserable. But now I have a shot at happiness again."
She reached out and took Arnold's hand, Ace watched this with a sigh. He shook his head and looked to Dave whose eyes were glowing with concern. He shook his head and turned back to Arnold.
"Do you mind if I kiss the bride then?"
"If it's okay with Lis, it's okay with me."
Elisabeth sighed, she remembered the last time Ace kissed her. It was right after Arnold had introduced her to him as his wife. He had rushed at her and pulled into a tight bear hug with a long and painful kiss. The kiss had been unyielding and selfish; nothing like the way Arnold kissed her.
"I suppose, just don't touch my butt this time."
Ace nodded and crossed the room to her side, he reached out to touch his fingertips against her cheeks. He studied her face, wanting to memorize every inch of it. Finally he leaned in and captured her lips in his own. Warmth flooded through Elisabeth, this was certainly not what she expected from Ace. The kiss was soft and sweet, very much like Arnold's kisses.
Elisabeth wrapped her arms around his neck and lost herself in the kiss, she moaned softly against his lips. Arnold wanted to break in and end this, but he couldn't bring himself to move. All everyone in the room could do was watch.
Finally the kiss broke and Elisabeth staggered back a few steps staring at Ace. She was breathing erratically and had her hand upon her heart.
"Arnold..."
And then she did the only thing that anyone else in the same position would have done. She fainted.
Arnold grabbed her just before she hit her head on the chair. He placed her on her bunk and brushed the hair away from her face. Dave grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room along with Ace and Cat.
"Kristine and Kryten will look after her. Cat, I think it's time for your nap."
"Nap? Now way, I want to see this!"
"Cat, go."
He sighed, "Fine, but you tell me about it later."
Once Cat was gone Dave looked at Ace.
"Why'd you come back?"
He looked at the floor and sighed, "I just wanted to see her again. How was I supposed to know that she was getting married? The last time I saw her she was an absolute wreck."
"And she was that way for months. She didn't start smiling again until we got back on the Dwarf and she found Rimmer here."
Arnold gave Ace a kind of wave and then shrugged, "I wouldn't blame you if you hated me."
"I don't hate you, if I did I would hate myself. We are the same person and I cannot hold any of this against her. I did leave her to be Ace Rimmer, I shouldn't have expected her to just sit around and mourn. But what I am missing here is where Arnold here came from and Kristine for that matter."
Dave quickly filled Ace in on all that had happened, the portal to the other dimension, the rebuilding of Red Dwarf with all its crew, and Captain Hollister's incarceration. Ace took all of it quite well until Dave got to the part about Captain Hollister.
"What do you mean Hollister attacked her?"
"That's exactly what I mean, he attacked her. He was wildly attracted to her and it got out of hand. If it hadn't been for Todhunter I don't even want to imagine what would have happened."
"I'll have to buy Todhunter a drink."
Arnold grinned, "You and me both. I still can't believe that Elisabeth named him captain, and I also can't believe that she is the highest ranking person on this ship."
Dave leaned against the wall, "She might even find a way to make you an officer, even though you failed the exam about a zillion times."
Arnold thought on that idea for a moment or two, he did want to be an officer but he didn't want to appear to be using her either. Ace smiled and clapped Arnold on the back.
"She'll do more than make him officer."
"What do you mean?" Dave asked, thinking that had to mean something dirty.
"She'll make him king."
Arnold frowned, "You mean king in the bedroom or something?"
"No, I mean King of Callisto. In my travels I found out that Callisto does still exist and there is no one on the throne. All Elisabeth has to do is get back there and claim her rightful spot. And since you will be marrying her, you'll be king."
Dave laughed, "King Arnold J. Rimmer of Callisto, it does have a certain ring to it."
Arnold shook his head, "That isn't really important right now since we'll most likely never get back there anyway. You don't object to our marriage, do you?"
Ace shook his head, "How can I? She's marrying me in a round about way. I give you my blessing, I may have been the one who originally proposed to her but you get to marry her. I had my chance with her and I let her go, don't you do the same."
"But what if she wakes up and realizes it's you she wants to be with."
"I'll try my best to dissuade her. She has more of a future with you than she does with me. She'd only be in danger with me, I love her enough to want her to be safe.
Just then the door opened and Kryten stuck his head out.
"She wants to see you, Sir."
Arnold nodded and headed into the room, Kryten held up an arm blocking his way.
"Not you, Sir, him."
Arnold turned to look at Ace before nodding, "Tell her I'm waiting out here if she needs me."
Kryten nodded and ushered Ace into the room. He pulled up a chair alongside the bed as Kryten and Kris found other places to be. Elisabeth sat up and stared at him for a moment before slapping him.
"It was Ace that died that day, not you."
Ace nodded sadly, "I can't say how sorry I am and I don't blame you it you hate me."
"I could never hate you, I'm hurt and disappointed. I wish you had told me that you wanted to leave and that you wanted to be Ace Rimmer without me."
Ace clasped her hand firmly, "It's not that I didn't want you to be with me, I wanted you to be there. Not a day went by that I didn't regret not having you with me. But Ace told me to leave you and I was worried that if you came with me you would get hurt. And if you had gotten hurt I wouldn't have been able to live with myself."
Elisabeth stared into his eyes and shook her head sadly, she was so confused. She loved them both, but could only be with one of them.
"I don't know what to do now. We are promised to each other after all."
"Lis, honey, I won't hold to that promise. I want you to stay here, you can have a future with him. He's a flesh and blood man while I am simply a hologram of that man. He is the original and I am the copy. You can have children with him, you can rule Callisto with him. I can't do any of those things with you, I have to save the universe. You deserve to be happy and you have a chance with Arnold. Stay here with him."
Elisabeth stared up at him and she decided that this was the most unselfish thing he had ever done. She could see in his eyes that saying the words pained him. She kissed him on the cheek and gave him a hug.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Lis, I always will."
"Even if I said I didn't want to stay here you would leave without me, right?"
Ace nodded, "As much as I love you, I would leave without you. Let's give Arnold out there a shot at happiness. I had mine, it's his turn."
He pulled away and went to the door. He opened it and brought Arnold in.
"You have my blessing, both of you. Now I must be off."
"You won't even stay for the wedding?" asked Elisabeth.
"I think that would be a tad uncomfortable, Lis, it will be better if I just go now. You'll always be with me and now I leave you both to your future together."
He extended his hand to Arnold who shook it warmly, "Are you going to say goodbye to Dave?"
"I suppose I should, I am going to leave right after I say goodbye to him. Goodbye, Love."
He leaned over to kiss her cheek and then within a blink of an eye he was gone. Elisabeth stared at the floor and Arnold crossed to her side.
"Are you okay, Lis?" he asked, taking her hand.
She nodded and looked up at him. She smiled into his eyes and squeezed his hand.
"I am with the man I love, how could I not be okay?"
"You don't want to go with him?"
"I do and I don't, Arn. It's hard to explain, but I love you and I want to stay with you."
"I can accept that, now why don't you lay down for a bit?
"I can't, there is too much to do. Will you send Kristine back in here, we have to finish with the dresses. You have to find yourself a tuxedo, oh and find ones for Dave, Cat, and Kryten. Just raid Cat's closet if you have to. He is sure to have something."
Arnold sat back and grinned, she certainly knew how to give orders. He was glad that they had been able to survive that crisis, it only gave him more hope for their future. He gave her a kiss before heading out to do what he had been ordered to.
The next two days went by in a blur of preparations, Elisabeth hardly remembered even sleeping as she and Kris fixed dresses and made decorations. Dave was always grumbling about having to wear a suit but he kept saying he would do it for Elisabeth. Kristine kept giggling about how handsome Dave looked in the suit and Elisabeth would only smile and nod.
Finally the day of the wedding came and Elisabeth was practically dancing on air. She and Kristine were in their cabin putting the finishing touches on their dresses when there was a knock on the door. Elisabeth froze, afraid that it was Arnold.
"Who is it?"
"Kryten, Miss."
"Is Arnold with you?"
"No, Ma'am, he is in his cabin with Mr. Lister. When I saw him last he was singing some sort of song about getting to the church on time."
Elisabeth giggled and let Kryten in. He entered the room and took in the two women standing before him.
"Why, Miss Kochanski, Miss Bonaparte, you both look lovely. Miss Kochanksi, red was always a lovely color for you and Miss Bonaparte, I must say that you are glowing."
Elisabeth blushed and linked her arm through Kryten's, "Is everything set?"
"Yes, Ma'am, Cat has already gone to the chapel and Mr. Lister and Mr. Rimmer will be heading there shortly."
Elisabeth smiled, "Then let's go."
The three of them headed down to the chapel, everyone they passed along the way either bowed or gave Elisabeth their good wishes. Elisabeth was not a bit nervous as they got closer to the chapel.
Once they reached the doors, Kristine peeked in to see if Dave and Arnold were ready. Then she turned to wink at Kryten and Elisabeth.
"They're set, it's time."
Elisabeth nodded and gripped Kryten's arm tightly. Just then Cat joined them holding a basket of flowers in one hand and a pillow with rings in the other. He didn't mind playing double duty, he loved getting double the attention.
Kristine poked her head back into the chapel and gave the organist the cue to begin. She rubbed her hand together in excitement and launched right into the wedding march. Rimmer look toward the doors as they swung opened. He couldn't see Elisabeth, the first person he saw was Cat prancing down the aisle. Next came Kristine and Arnold heard Dave groan next to him, he snickered softly.
Then he glanced back at the doors just as Kryten and Elisabeth appeared, he felt his knees go weak and his lungs constrict. He put his hand on Dave's shoulder to keep from falling down. The vision that was floating down the aisle toward him was soon to be his wife, he could hardly believe it.
She reached his side and gave Kryten a kiss on the cheek, then she turned to Arnold and took his hand. Arnold had never been happier in his entire life. His only regret was that his family wasn't there to see this and to see what a wonderful woman he was marrying. Even thought he disliked them all greatly, he still would have liked to be able to share this day with them.
They both turned to face Todhunter who led the ceremony that joined Arnold Judas Rimmer BSc, SSc and Princess Elisabeth Bonaparte of Callisto, as man and wife, King and Queen, and partners in life.
And from somewhere in the back of the room, Ace Rimmer smiled. He knew that he had done the right thing. Now he had a universe to save. And with that he was gone.