The Pain You Left Behind
It should have been the most perfect evening. Just him and Clary. No demons, no siblings, no parents, just Jace and the girl he was so desperately in love with. And it was, there was not a single con to the evening, but he just couldn't shift the deep sadness that weighed down his heavy heart. It loomed in the background, not making him sad directly, but tainting his every emotion with a depression that wasn't even his.
In an attempt to abolish this unwanted emotion, Jace stopped Clary from opening her front door with a kiss a little too passionate for outside her house with Jocelyn and Luke inside. For a moment Clary leaned in, getting caught up in Jace, but she pulled away much too soon.
'As much as I love the occasional spontaneous passionate make-out session, I can't help but think something is on your mind,' Clary said, her voice gentle. She looked deep into Jace's golden eyes, reading him like a book. 'You've been acting off for a while, what's wrong?'
'It's not me, its Alec,' Jace sighed.
'Alec?' Clary responded, the unasked question painted onto her expression.
'Yeah, he's… I don't even know. I never see him anymore, none of us do. When they had first broken up, he'd still come demon hunting with us, but he stopped a few weeks ago and he'd only come out of his room for food. But last week he stopped doing that too. He'd starve if we didn't take something to him, and I don't even think he'd care.'
'Have you tried to talk to him?' Clary suggested, the sadness and sympathy for her friend clear on her features.
'Clary, when I thought we were siblings, I genuinely couldn't deal with it. Not being able to be with the one person I'm so hopelessly in love with damn near killed me. And I sure as hell didn't want to talk about it. So I did everything in my power to avoid the subject completely. I'd distract myself as best I could-'
'Yeah, by throwing yourself into suicide missions!' Clary interjected, earning a half-smile from Jace.
'Yeah but that's the point, I was distracting myself. Alec does nothing. He has literally confined himself to his room with only his miserable thoughts and heartbreak to keep him company. It's got so bad I can feel it.'
'What do you mean?'
'I can literally feel Alec's heart breaking. It's awful. It's like he's not even alive anymore. Not dead, just… empty.'
Clary watched as Jace talked about his parabatai. As he looked into the distance, his expression was a mix between sadness and frustration because he felt he could do nothing about it. Clary put a gentle hand on Jace's cheek, directing his gaze to hers.
'Talk to him, Jace. Or don't even do that. Just go and be with him. He might not think so, but he really needs someone to be around. Someone to not say it's going to be ok. Don't tell him things that aren't true, just go and be with your brother. He needs you.'
Jace smiled wistfully and rested his forehead against hers.
'You always know what to do,' he said, stealing one last kiss from her soft lips before turning to leave. 'I love you, Clary.'
'I love you too, Jace,' she called as she let herself inside.
On the way back to the Institute, Jace was pondering how to go about talking to Alec. He couldn't just barge in and demand that Alec talked to him, nor could he use wit and sarcasm to lighten the mood. No, this was not the situation for that, despite it being Jace's most practiced form of social interaction. This was a situation that called for gentleness and carefulness, something in which Jace was not quite as well versed.
An idea struck him, however silly it might sound, but before he could push the idea away a memory had resurfaced from when he was still relatively new to the Institute.
Maryse and Robert were in the ballroom of the Institute, mingling and conversing with some of the most important members of the Clave that had attended their event. Jace, Alec and Isabelle were under strict instructions to stay in their rooms, and not make any trouble. Alec was particularly against obliging, seeing as it was his birthday and his parents were too busy buttering up the Clave instead of spending time with him.
Jace knew that in the back of his mind, Alec really did understand that it was a horrible coincidence that this unavoidable Clave meet-up had to occur on his 12th birthday, and he knew that his parents were powerless to change the date, and that it was far too important and boring for there to be children messing around, but Jace also knew Alec couldn't help but sulk.
Despite being new to having siblings, Jace couldn't help but feel bad for Alec. So he decided to go and cheer him up.
*knock, knock*
'Who is it?'
'It's me, Jace.'
'Oh, come in.'
Alec looked thoroughly miserable, sitting on his bed with a tattered copy of a demonology book lying in his lap.
'So, I brought you something,' Jace said, and Alec raised a questioning eyebrow. Jace pulled the plate stacked high with brownies from behind his back and plonked them in front of his adoptive brother.
Alec's striking eyes widened dramatically as he looked at the plate of perfectly baked squares of deliciousness, then dragged his gaze up to Jace.
'Where did you get these from?!' Alec cried, not entirely sure he wanted to hear the answer.
'The party, where else?' Jace replied. If it were possible, Alec's eyes widened further.
'JACE! You could have been caught!'
'Yeah, but I wasn't, so scooch over and let's eat!' Jace cried, happily.
Alec hesitated, but obliged, because even if they shouldn't be doing it, it was his birthday dammit!
'Why'd you do it?' Alec questioned, digging into a gooey brownie.
'Well, it's your birthday, and you didn't even get cake,' Jace reasoned, his mouth full.
Alec smiled at his newly acquired brother and best friend.
'Thanks, Jace, they're my favourite, too.'
'I know.'
Jace smiled at the memory. Brownies it is, then, he thought.
After a good hour filled with mixing and baking, Jace looked smugly at the plate of warm brownies he had concocted for his heartbroken brother. He hesitated momentarily, glancing at the washing up pile he had created, before scolding himself and walking to Alec's room. Now is not the time to be worrying about a few dishes!
Jace knocked lightly but firmly on Alec's door, but there was no answer. After knocking and waiting a second time, he tentatively opened the door and looked around for his brother.
Alec saw Jace before Jace saw him. His unfocused gaze landed on the plate of brownies and the corner of his lip twitched. It was by no means a smile, but something happier than the frown he'd got so accustomed to definitely ghosted around his lips, however briefly.
However hungry he might be, and however sweet it was that Jace had made him brownies, Alec would not eat. He had barely eaten for at least a week, he'd been sitting in the same place for the past four days, the only action he made was to draw an iratze on his arm when he felt himself slipping out of consciousness, to keep his body functioning despite its protests, because he didn't deserve to die. He didn't deserve to get away that easily. He had screwed everything up, and he deserved to live with the pain of that knowledge and the pain of his body deteriorating.
Jace found Alec sitting on the floor leaning against the wall and his chest of drawers with his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms resting on his knees, and his head hanging low.
One glance at the black haired boy made the plate fall from Jace's grasp, the brownies long forgotten. The only thing on Jace's mind at that moment was just how ill Alec looked.
'By the Angel, Alec…' Jace started but found himself lost for words as he took in Alec's appearance. Despite his six-foot-two frame, the way he was curled up made him look small. He was only wearing jeans, as if he'd gone to take a shower but fell over and just stayed there. His once toned torso had deteriorated and wasted away, and the fact that his skinny jeans were so baggy that they looked four times too big for him did nothing to disguise how much weight he'd lost.
It was shocking, to say the least.
But it only got worse when Alec finally looked up at him. Jace could no longer see Alec, but a haunted version of his parabatai that had taken his place. His usually sharp, icy blue eyes were a dull blue-grey, and dark and hollow circles surrounded them. His hair was a greasy mess, and his cheekbones were far too prominent. His all too angular jaw line was decorated with five-or-six day stubble.
'Alec,' Jace started, tentatively, once he'd regained the control of his vocal chords, 'when did you last eat something?'
Alec gave a slight, one-shouldered shrug and looked away from the golden boy. It was then that Jace's limbs kicked into action. He rushed over to his brother and gripped him gently but firmly by the upper arms, and started to pull him up. Alec moaned feebly but was in no shape to protest further.
'C'mon, let's get you some proper food, ok?' Jace said, not even bothering to hide the worry in his voice.
'No,' Alec said, his first spoken word for a good 2 weeks.
'What?' Jace asked, utterly confused.
'No. I don't deserve it.' His voice came out hoarse and broken and quiet.
'Of course you do!' Jace said bluntly, completely astounded at Alec's reaction.
'No, I don't, Jace!' His voice a little stronger and louder than before.
'Alec, it was just a break-up, you're allowed to eat-' But Jace knew it was the wrong thing to say before he had the chance to stop the words spilling out of his mouth.
'NO! It's not just a break up! You know damn well how I feel about Ma- … about him. It'snot just about that. Everything is shit. Dad has practically left Mum because she gave him a fag of a son-' Jace winced at his choice of words as well as at the concentrated amount of venom with which he spat the word out, knowing perfectly well it was aimed at himself as much as it was aimed at his father. '-Max is dead, and Magnus is gone. And it's all my fault.'
With those last 5 words, Jace watched his brother, his parabatai, his best friend break in front of him. Tears poured from Alec's eyes and he started shaking uncontrollably. Alec already knew what he had just confessed to Jace, but admitting out loud to another human being just seemed to make it all so real. Alec's knees gave out from beneath him. It seemed that shouting his confessions to Jace had taken it out on his already weak form.
Jace caught Alec and steadied him against himself. There was nothing left to do but hug his brother as tightly as possible, as if he could squeeze all of Alec's problems away. There were no words to say as Alec sobbed silently into Jace's shoulder, and Jace had never felt so useless.
He just needs someone to be with him, Clary's words echoed in the back of his mind.
After an unidentifiable amount of time, Alec's sobbing stopped, and he awkwardly detached himself from Jace.
'Sorry,' Alec mumbled, moving away from Jace, but he put a hand to Alec's shoulder to bring him back so he was facing him. Alec still wouldn't meet his gaze, so after a few seconds, Jace pulled Alec's chin in his direction, so he could look into his golden eyes and see that he was telling the truth.
'Alec, listen to me. I know I can't possibly know the extent to your pain, but what I do know is that you're blaming yourself for things you can't help. You cannot help who you are, and no matter what, I will always love you, and so will Izzy and Clary and Maryse and Robert. You are not the reason that Dad is never home, and he still loves you, even if he does have a funny way of showing it. Secondly, it is not your fault that Max is dead. You weren't there to protect him, and I know you feel guilty about that, because I do too, but that's the way it was. There's no point in thinking that we should've known who Sebastian really was, because he made it damn hard to tell. It is not your fault, ok? And lastly, yeah, you made a mistake with Magnus, but it's pretty clear to the whole damn planet that the only reason you did is because you love him and was so scared of losing him. I'm so, so sorry about him, Alec, but you have to understand you are not the only one who has to bear these weights. We all do, ok?'
Alec wanted to protest. He still felt the same, however true Jace's words were. But if he was going to make anything better, starving himself was not making progress. For the first time in a very long time, Alec wanted to forget his demons, instead of wallowing in them and letting them tell him how much of a failure he was. So he nodded at Jace's words and attempted a smile.
Jace beamed back at him, thoroughly pleased that he had got through to Alec, and decided that this was the perfect moment to start Operation Cheer Alec Up.
'So, how's about we make some more brownies, eh?'