There is never not one time that I can clearly decipher my emotions, ever. I always am either excited or depressed, happy or sad, all over or nostalgic, and then on top of that I am always sick around brother, I feel like I'm going to throw up because of the insects crawling in my stomach, or is it a feeling that I have not felt before. *sigh* I can never figure out any of my feelings for him.
He is talented, hard working and always has everything under control. Hardly ever have I seen him do more then raise an eye brow at some stupid comment or action. For just once in my life I wish I could be more like my older brother, to have him teach me his talents, and not just the ones dealing with emotions or battle.
I watch him fight, just as he watches me. I sit on the ground in awe of his performance. He never misses a shot, always hitting his target. He has always been quite the marksman. When it is my turn to fight I take quick glances at him to see the expression on his face. neutral, just as expected. But in my heart I feel like it is disgust I see in those eyes instead of nothing, in my eyes I know I am showing inadequacy, and it probably is showing in my performance. He probably thinks I'm a worthless fruitcake. The thing that no one wants and always throws out.
Why is this so complicated? Never in my life have I ever felt so trapped. Alone in the world Mother put me in. why have you don't this to me Mother? To see me suffer? To watch me be in constant pain? To know that I love Yazoo? The expert marksman, my older Brother, my best friend, the only living person I hold such high regards for? The only one to be held as high as Mother.
If this is a test I'm FAILING! What kind of sick and twisted joke is this? I just want to be happy, and not have to worry what anyone else thinks. Why cant I play with his girlishly long silver hair, or stare into the mako eyes that are so much like mine. Why cant he hold me when I'm scared and shivering? Why cant we ride our motorcycles together in the hot desert landscape? WHAT IS THE POINT IN THIS TEST? Is it to make me miserable…or to make me stronger? I don't want to be stronger if this is the price that I must pay.
Unfortunately life indicates that you can not always do as you please, and obviously I can not tell anyone any of this, mother will be watching, and I think I will be brutally punished. But I cant help but to wonder what he would say if I told him any of this. Nothing probably. He might just walk away or pick up Velvet Nightmare and shoot me right on the spot.
Even though he knows everything, this is something he will never, can never know.