CHAPTER 1 : PAINFUL TO ACKNOWLEDGE
Since Merlin's breakup with his boyfriend, Gaius always made sure that he knew he'd be welcome to bring a friend with him. He knew that he could but at the moment there wasn't anyone to bring. Neil and he had spent six months together, the first three had been happy but then everything went off course and he felt he was being put upon and he no longer trusted the older professor who had literally swept him off his feet three months previous.
They'd tiptoed around each other for another two months and then one night in a drunken rage, Neil had thrown Merlin's cat across the room. She had hit the fireplace awkwardly and irreparably damaged her back. She never walked again.
Merlin had been in shock that a respected veterinary surgeon and renowned academic would treat an animal with such hardness of heart. He also felt guilty because it was Neil's annoyance at him that had caused the over drinking and the loss of control. He had walked out that night taking her to Gaius's.
Gaius and he had worked on her hoping that the nerve and muscle damage would repair itself. She was heavily medicated but there was no improvement and sadly, Gaius had put the euthasol vial and a syringe on the table and had walked outside allowing Merlin time to say goodbye. He had put Daisy down himself, telling her that she was not only beautiful but very brave, really the best friend he could have ever wanted. He wrapped her in her own blanket and told her how sorry he was for having moved in with Neil and taking her with him.
Merlin had finally walked outside into the garden carrying her, Gaius took her while Merlin dug a grave and she was buried beneath the trees near the chicken house where she used to like to lie watching them when she came on holidays.
He returned to Cambridge, intending to pack up his belongings and move in with his friend Nick until he found his own place. He had been hurt by Neil and it would take him time to trust another person. He had lots of friends but he wasn't ready to commit to anyone romantically. He'd been immature and not experienced enough to stand back and take a long look at someone before promising them anything.
Neil had pleaded with him and he had inexplicably decided to give him another chance. He'd fallen in love with the idea of being in love and it would prove to be a lesson hard learned.
-0-0-
Sitting on the edge of his bed, Merlin looked at the rising sun, low in the sky. Slowly brightening Cambridge and on the horizon he could see the spires of Our Lady and the English Martyrs Church on Hills Road.
He hadn't slept well. He seemed to have spent the night trying to find where he had parked his car not remembering what it looked like and trying to figure out where the vet college was. He was glad to wake up and realise it had been an annoying dream.
He lay back on the bed and let his mind wander. He had a good hour before needing to get. He'd spoken to his mother last night. He knew she was worrying about him even though he tried to sound really upbeat for her.
He was determined to keep positive. He ran through his regular litany; he was all right looking, didn't smoke or drink, intelligent, well mannered and he knew he gravitated to nice people. His friends were all upstanding people, well thought of and respected in their fields.
He had realised early on that he was not a loner. He liked people and enjoyed their company but had he let that cloud his mind? He'd liked having a boyfriend, he liked the company. They'd travelled and gone out socially. There was always someone to eat with and talk with at night.
He had thought at one point that he was loved by Neil who had been fifteen years older than him. He had introduced him to all his friends and he had been accepted by them. He was by far the youngest in the group but he had never felt out of place.
His mother had never met Neil, for some unfathomable reason he had held back telling her how serious the relationship had been. Gaius had met him and said nothing negative about him until the day they had buried Daisy.
"Merlin, it could have been you!" Merlin had looked up into Gaius's sad eyes, "I thank God that you were not the recipient of his anger."
Merlin had blushed as towards the end, Neil had on occasions threatened him and he had been frightened.
Gaius picked up on it. "Merlin, please look after yourself. Your mother wouldn't be able to manage if you were hurt."
He had begged Gaius not to tell his mother what had happened to Daisy, "She doesn't need to know, it will only makes her worry more."
Gaius looked at him directly and said, "You know that both your mother and I love you. We are very proud of you and support your choices in life, however in return, you must make careful choices. I never understood your attraction for Neil. He treated you more like an acquisition than a partner. I would hold my breath until I next saw you or you phoned."
Gaius looked up as he heard a sob and said, "My Boy, I didn't mean to upset you!"
"It's all right..." said Merlin sniffing. "I was so scared that no man would ever want me that when he asked me out I accepted. Looking back I was naive, I felt honoured that an older professor, a man of his stature liked me enough to invite me to his home."
Merlin stopped dead, seeing in his mind's eye that first night and the way Neil had laughed unkindly at his inexperience and ineptitude. Only to openly boast to his friends the following day that he'd taken his virginity and taught him a few things to boot, making Merlin feel like a guinea pig. A few of the others laughed but more remained silence and if Merlin had looked up at them he would have seen disgust for Neil and pain for Merlin.
"I regret it. If I could do it over again, I would have waited until I met someone whom I chose. Not someone who just wanted me on his arm in the streets or on his lap when he was with friends."
"Why didn't you leave him?"
"I was too scared. One evening at a dinner party, in front of his friends, I queried something he'd said and his friends had agreed with me. He said nothing until he got me home and forced himself on me and then threw me out of the bedroom into a laundry room, locking the door and I slept on the floor.
"Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry, I didn't know what was happening. I might have been able to help."
"No one could! I had phoned in sick as my bruises were too obvious. One of his friends took him to task when they saw me. That made Neil furious and once again, I was locked in the laundry room. It was then that I realised I had made a big mistake but was too scared of him to do anything... However, when I heard poor Daisy hit the fireplace, I didn't look back but left immediately. I guess I'm one of those people who learn the hard way.
"It made me feel insecure for a time, I lost my confidence and felt that the situation in which I had found myself was deserved," he pause shuddered and continued, "…and then I did the stupidest thing I could have done…I gave him a second chance."
Gaius put his arm across his shoulders saying, "Merlin, you are not the only person who has been taken advantage of by someone you thought you loved and you will not be the last."
"It was my friend Nick who got my mind on the right track again. He said that he thought I was wasting my time with Neil who'd got what he'd wanted and I should bail while I could. He also said a couple of choices words to describe him."
A suspicion of a smile crossed his face as he turned to Gaius and said, "But I won't repeat them now, as I do not want to shock you."
"I've been around for many a year, therefore nothing, my Dear Merlin, you can say will shock me! I'm ready for a drink, let's go down to the pub. We'll raise our glasses in memory of Daisy and forget…that bastard," he continued muttering quietly to himself.
Merlin had laughed as his uncle had used some rather shocking and uncomplimentary words to describe his former boyfriend, before continuing with a smile, "My Boy, I can assure you that out there", he gestured with open arms, "Prince Charming is waiting for you."
Thinking, 'I hope he comes soon!' Merlin followed his uncle back to the house.
He'd come a long way in the last year. He'd needed professional help but he had hooked up with his old friends, whom he had ignored while under his boyfriend's influence. Nowadays, he took each week one day at a time and was returning to his old self. He laughed each time he thought of Gaius and his Prince Charming remark.
However, he always kept an eye out for that special person who might be looking for someone. He believed in attraction at first sight…not love. If it was to be, love might come later. He was older and wiser if he was to meet someone, he'd be very careful before he'd agree to anything, as his mother would have said, 'Once bitten, twice shy.'
-0-0-
He must have fallen asleep as he woke refreshed, he looked around the bedroom at his great-uncle's that has been his for years. He felt that he had something special to look forward to. He had always enjoyed working in the clinic with the latest equipment. He knew and liked the staff. He got on well with the other vet and thought that probably a little time away from the university would do him good. He was on his second year of a three year contract. He really hadn't had a break as he did summer term as well as the regular terms.
He knew that he was always on his toes in case he bumped into Neil. The stress wasn't good, however he had been doing better in the last couple of months.
Although Gaius had never spelled it out, he knew that the practice would pass to him. It was a comforting thought that when Gaius came to retire, he would be there to take over and help run the place for him. It was well located and within easier distance of one of the better equine research facilities which had already shown interest in his work. He smiled to himself life was good.
-0-0-
Returning to Cambridge, Merlin one day called in at Queen's Vet School Hospital as he was monitoring one of the third year students doing make up courses. His marks were excellent but he had, due to illness missed the hours he should have spent in the university clinic. With the vet staff and the student's cooperation, he arranged a schedule for him to spent extra time there and complete the number of hours of compulsory practical work.
Before he left, he visited a friend who was working in the neonatal unit. He smiled seeing the incubators with their patients. Bob waved him over and uncovered a corner of the incubator. Nestled in a thick blue towel was a naked pink cub who when he was adult who be sporting a luxurious white fur coat. Merlin grinned at the baby polar bear.
Bob explained, "He's doing well. His sister died and mother didn't want anything to do with him. He's going to go back home soon, once he's eating better and stabilised. I don't agree with captive breeding but that's just my opinion. However, when we get a little one like this, I have no other interest but that it will survive."
"He's certainly thriving. Any name yet?"
"Nothing official but the techs refer to him as Iceman. He has a real fan base here. However, follow me and take a peek at this."
Following him, Merlin was soon laughing. In another incubator, hugging a plush teddy bear were two little capuchins. Their little faces so serious were turned toward him.
Bob reached in to pick one up. Upending it, he said, "A little girl called Bows." He held her up, "Bows, I would like you to meet my friend Merlin."
"Nice to meet you, Bows...and who is that handsome young man with you?"
"He's called Buttons and it will be the hardest thing not getting too attached to them. Not what I would have called them but the techs once again beat me to it." Merlin smiled as Bob unfurled the monkey's hand from around his finger and put her back with her brother.
"You're happy working here?"
"Yes, I love it, especially the patients and even in small doses," he laughed, "…the students. They keep us on our toes and some of them will make excellent vets. Are you joining us for dinner?"
"Yes, I'll meet you there just after seven." He waved to the vet techs as he left. He heard a chorus of 'Goodbye, Dr. Emrys!' He smiled knowing that he'd be quite happy working there but he also enjoyed the challenge of lecturing and counselling his own students.
-0-0-
He had his good days and his bad days but the time spent with Gaius had certainly been a change of scenery and he believed that his mind had benefitted from it. That little break had given him the distance from his memories that he needed to get through the remainder of this semester. He was due holidays and this year he intended to take them.
He knew that his mother would be quite happy to see him and he could spend a few weeks with her and then the two of them could return to Gaius's for her summer break. He decided that he would run by her the idea of a couple of days on the Continent. He knew she would like to visit Prague where she had spent time with his father before he was born. He'd suggested it on a few accessions but she had always said, that he shouldn't be spending his hard earned money on her.
Well, with the cheque he had recently received for the Throgmorton foaling, he was well able to get the flight as well as a couple of nights in a hotel. He wasn't poor he rented a small flat in Cambridge and he owned a car. Not the most glamorous of lives but he wasn't in debt anymore as his university debts were all paid off. He laughed to himself, "He was a man of substance!'