It was hard to breathe. Finally alone with his Master again; for the
last time, he knew. It was three days since Qui Gon's death and his body
had been placed in a small room of the Theed temple on the planet of Naboo.
All day there had been well-wishers, mourners, and just the curious that
had passed through to view and remember Qui Gon Jinn. Obi Wan Kenobi had
waited patiently for them all to leave, smiling at them and nodding his
head and pretending to be interested in their conversations, so he could be
alone with his former Master. Now that the time had arrived, his thoughts
and emotions threatened to over take him.
"Stop this," he told himself. "Concentrate."
Obi Wan closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. He searched for comfort through the Force. His emotions troubled him. Obi Wan had always been level headed and controlled, even as a young Padawan learner under Qui Gon's tutelage. He had always been able to keep his emotions and feelings under control and their suddenness and fierceness now was alarming.
There was so much he wanted to discuss with Qui Gon; the Jedi Council's upcoming decision regarding the training of Anakin Skywalker, the changes to the Republic with the election of Senator Palpatine as Chancellor, and the ramifications of the Trade Federation's disregard for the Republic's laws. But Obi Wan would never again be able to seek the advice of his Master and friend. Indeed, Qui Gon had been what Obi Wan imagined a father must be like; always there to guide him and speak to him and pick him up and encourage him when he failed. Obi Wan would never forget his greatest failure though; when he had allowed himself to be separated from Qui Gon as they had fought the Sith Lord. If only he had been stronger, fought harder, he wouldn't have gotten separated from Qui Gon and the Sith; if only he...
"I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Master Jedi," said an angelic voice from beside him. "I know what it's like to lose a father."
Obi Wan's reverie had been so intense that he hadn't even heard anyone else come into the room; even worse, he hadn't been able to feel anyone enter the room through the Force. What was wrong with him?
"Thank you," he muttered without turning to look at the owner of that beautiful voice. "However I'm not a Jedi Knight as of yet."
"Certainly you are," the voice replied. "Just because the Jedi Council hasn't officially bestowed the honor on you doesn't mean anything. Only a true Jedi Master could have defeated that terrible demon."
Obi Wan knew she was speaking of the Sith Lord. He was surprised by her words. Only Qui Gon had ever been as forthright and encouraging with him. The comfort Obi Wan had been searching for through the Force finally enveloped him. But it came through this woman's words, not the Force and it was a comfort he had never felt before. Obi Wan turned to view his very wise companion for the first time.
"Oh, good evening, Counselor," he greeted Cassiopeia and he bowed when he saw it was her.
"Please, don't bow," she beseeched Obi Wan. "I'm not the Queen nor the Senator."
"But you are the Queen's head advisor. I know that Queen Amidala doesn't make any decision until after conferring with you," said Obi Wan. "You give her great guidance and counsel."
"Not recently, I'm afraid."
Cassiopeia had taken a much-needed vacation to visit her family just before the Trade Federation had taken control of the planet. Obi Wan had never actually met Cassiopeia, but Queen Amidala had spoken of her court advisor, her 'Counselor' so frequently and fervently during the occupation that he felt he already knew Cassiopeia very well.
"I failed her when she needed me the most. She may have come out victorious but I wasn't there for her." Cassiopeia sighed and turned to look out at the lights of Theed burning bright into the coming darkness. "I fear that she will come to the conclusion that she doesn't really need me anymore."
"Not only are you Queen Amidala's advisor, but you're also her friend," Obi Wan observed. "And she'll always need you near her."
Cassiopeia turned back to him and smiled. Obi Wan was struck by how truly beautiful she was. She had long, waist-length curly red hair that today was piled atop her head and piercing crystal blue eyes that serenely took in everything around her. For a fleeting instant, Obi Wan wondered what it would feel like to thrust his hands into her hair, to smell its scent, and to lose himself in it. He shook his head wondering where that thought came from.
"What is it?" she asked him.
"I keep losing myself in my thoughts," he admitted. "I need to remember my Master's counsel, 'remain in the here and now'."
"I wish I could've been here to have met Qui Gon," she said, glancing at his body. Tomorrow he would be burned, as was the Jedi's custom with their dead. "He must've been a great man to have taught you so well. I've heard all about your battle with the Sith Lord." She paused. "At least I've heard as much as you've told Amidala. I'd enjoy the chance to hear it for myself. If you have the time before you must leave, that is."
Obi Wan was delighted at the chance to speak more with her. "Of course," he replied. "If you are not too tired from your journey, I would delight in your company this evening. I will probably not be able to sleep much again anyway."
A frown creased her forehead. "You blame yourself for Qui Gon's death." It was a statement, not a question. "You shouldn't. From what Padme, Queen Amidala, said, after the Sith Lord kicked you over the railing of the catwalk, Qui Gon followed him down the catwalk away from you. In my opinion, Qui Gon should have waited until you had recovered from your attack so you could have pursued the Sith together." Cassiopeia paused, and worried that perhaps Obi Wan would take offense to her words, that he would think she was speaking poorly of the deceased. "However," she concluded, "hind sight is always 20-20, isn't it?"
Again Obi Wan found comfort in her words. These were the same thoughts that he'd had himself. He didn't understand Qui Gon's actions. How many times had Obi Wan questioned Qui Gon with these thoughts over the last three days? He turned his attention back to Cassiopeia; he didn't want her to think her words had upset him in any way, for they hadn't.
"Very true, Counselor," he said, "you see, you do give good advice."
Cassiopeia smiled at him and suddenly, Obi Wan felt unsure of himself and insecure in her presence. He remembered the first words she had spoken to him.
"You mentioned that you have lost your father. What happened?"
Cassiopeia's blue eyes darkened in remembrance and sadness. "He was chief of security for the former Queen of Naboo. He uncovered a plot by the spice miners union to assassinate her. The laser blast that was meant for her hit him instead." Cassiopeia paused, remembering watching her father being hit in the chest as he stood in front of the Queen. "He always told her that he was her protector and would never let anything happen to her. He kept his promise to her, but not to his family. He promised us he would always be there for us. I miss him so." She hung her head.
"He was truly a great man," Obi Wan could certainly now understand her pain at losing him, but he also knew what was entailed in serving and protecting others. "You shouldn't doubt his love for you and your family. It must be difficult to be a man whose duty it is to protect others yet at the same time, to have a family that he has a duty to as well."
Cassiopeia smiled and moved slightly closer to Obi Wan. "You are very wise, Master Jedi. I appreciate your counsel. Don't misunderstand me, though, while I love and miss my father, I do comprehend his duty to serve the former Queen. Just as it is my duty to serve Queen Amidala. It's just that there are times when I feel selfish and I speak ill of his duty to serve," she sighed, knowing her fatigue from her journey was making her thoughts and words senseless. "I suppose that's why you Jedi are not allowed to have any personal attachments. It makes it more difficult to serve others unselfishly in dangerous situations when you are consistently worried about possibly not coming home to loved ones."
"Yes, I'm sure that was the reasoning behind the original Jedi Council's decision to forbid personal attachment," said Obi Wan. "That is part of the reason why a child is removed from their parents' home soon after being identified as having Jedi abilities. Most children are identified and removed within the first year after being born. That way, a Jedi grows up having no knowledge of their parents, therefore feeling no attachment to them."
"It sounds so cold when you state it that way, but I'm sure you are right. It would be much more difficult to be an older child and taken away from your beloved parents to be trained as a Jedi."
Obi Wan thought then of Anakin, the nine year old boy that Qui Gon had rescued from slavery, the boy who had the highest midichlorian count of any identified Jedi, the boy whom his Master thought would fulfill the age-old prophecy and bring balance to the Force, the boy who was high-spirited and unpredictable, and the boy who desperately missed his mother.
"Yes," Obi Wan replied, "I would think it would be very difficult."
"What of your own parents, Master Jedi? What do you know of them?" Cassiopeia asked.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
Cassiopeia shook her head. "Do you ever wonder about them?"
Obi Wan smiled gently. "Not until now."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Cassiopeia took Obi Wan's hand in her own without thinking. "I didn't mean to cause you anguish."
Obi Wan was very aware of his hand being held in hers, her soft warm light touch. "No worries," was all he could manage to utter.
Cassiopeia let his hand go then and turned to him. "I realize that I don't even know your name. Queen Amidala only spoke of you as Jedi Kenobi."
"My name is Obi Wan, m'lady," he bowed again, "Obi Wan Kenobi at your service."
She smiled and returned his bow. "Obi Wan?" she mused. "What kind of name is Obi Wan?"
"The name I was given when I was brought to the Jedi Temple on Courasant. I was eight months old, or so I'm told."
"I wonder what name your parents gave to you," Cassiopeia said meeting his gaze. She held it for a minute then seemed to remember something. "I'm sorry, Master Kenobi, I must return to my home to make sure all is in place there but I look forward to conversing with you more this evening. Will you come to my residence later?"
Obi Wan was surprised by her forwardness then decided maybe it was normal behavior. It wasn't as if he was up to date on the customs of men and women and what was appropriate and what wasn't.
"I'll be there," he said.
Cassiopeia had been equally surprised by her own forwardness in inviting the Jedi to her home, but she was almost shocked when he actually accepted her invitation, shocked yet elated.
"Good," she smiled her sweet smile. "I'll see you soon."
With that, she was gone.
Obi Wan, alone again with his Master, mused on his feelings for this woman. Never before in his entire life had he felt this way, this longing to just be near her. He wondered why his emotions had run away with him. What was it about her that had him so fascinated? She was beautiful, yes, but he had seen many beautiful females before, some human some not. But with Cassiopeia he felt drawn to her as if they shared a special bond. Almost as if without her, he couldn't survive. Obi Wan didn't understand these feelings. He had always been faithful to the Jedi Order and had never questioned their rules. He thought of his and Cassiopeia's conversation dealing with one's duty to serve and how personal attachment can make that difficult.
"Well," he spoke to Qui Gon, wishing that his Master could answer him, "there will be no harm in conversing with her. She gives me comfort, Master, the kind of comfort I have only felt with you."
Cassiopeia mulled over her actions and feelings as she sat in the passenger seat of the speeder. One of the Queen's security officers was escorting her home. She leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes. She could see Obi Wan's face, see the sadness in his eyes. Cassiopeia remembered her own heart-shattering grief when her father, her mentor, her friend had been killed. She remembered her depression, not sleeping, not eating, refusing to see anyone, shutting everyone and everything away for weeks until finally her friend Padme Amidala, then only an intern in the Governor's office, had sat up all night with her talking and laughing and forcing Cassiopeia to begin feeling again. Cassiopeia smiled as she remembered Padme's ridiculous jokes she had told that night to get a reaction from her.
While she knew that Qui Gon wasn't Obi Wan's father, he was as close to a father figure as a Jedi could get. Cassiopeia had studied the Jedi Order for a long time; as a whole they fascinated her. She struggled to comprehend the Force and the way a Jedi was able to use the Force to sense, see and feel things. Cassiopeia had come into contact with many Jedi through her position as the Queen's advisor. Nearly all of them were calm, collected, level headed, polite, and showed little or no emotion. This was the first time she had ever met one who seemed to be fighting to control his emotions. But that was to be expected, mused Cassiopeia, Obi Wan had just lost someone very close to him.
However, there was more to Cassiopeia's curiosity about Obi Wan than just his emotional state. She had to admit that she was attracted to him. He looked to be about her age and he was quite handsome. She thought of his smile and the stubble on his cheeks, the way his knee-high leather boots squeaked as he moved, how his Jedi parka seemed to meld to his muscular shoulders. She was sure that he felt an attraction toward her as well. Cassiopeia was used to male beings' attentions. She knew that she was attractive but she rarely used her beauty to her benefit. Because of her position, she hardly ever dated besides, so many males were intimidated by her position and beauty as well that often she just didn't have the opportunity. But this man understood what it meant to have massive responsibilities. He seemed comfortable around her and she with him. But Cassiopeia knew it could also be dangerous to get to know Obi Wan better. He had taken the Jedi Oath and he was not permitted to form attachments.
It isn't fair, Cassi thought. I finally meet a wonderful man but I can't have him. It's a good thing he'll be leaving soon so that I will not be tempted to do something I shouldn't.
Cassiopeia sighed and opened her eyes. She noticed that it was starting to sprinkle, drops misted onto the speeder's windshield. Maybe the rain would keep Obi Wan from visiting her. She certainly hoped not. The Jedi as a whole fascinated her and this one in particular. While she knew it could be harmful to them both, she wanted to learn about him, know him, who he was, what he thought about, what his opinions on different issues were. Cassiopeia smiled as she thought that she also wanted to know what he looked like underneath that Jedi garb! She knew she should probably wear her hair up and a professional gown as she usually did in her position. But she was so tired from her journey and she just wanted to be comfortable. Cassiopeia didn't think the Jedi would mind.
Cassiopeia promised herself to be on her best behavior.
Obi Wan arrived at Cassiopeia's home feeling better then he had felt in a long time, especially the last few days, despite the rain. She greeted him with that amazing smile and she hung up his cloak to dry.
"It's raining hard?" she asked.
"Not bad."
He sat on her lounge and when she sat next to him, knees to one side and feet underneath her, he could smell her perfume in the air. Tonight her fiery hair tumbled about her shoulders and down her back. She wore a simple yet elegant gown, loose fitting and long. Her face was scrubbed and shone like an angel's when she looked at him.
Obi Wan tried to flee inside himself, to lose his thoughts in the living Force, 'concentrate' he heard his Master say. But having Cassiopeia this close was intoxicating. He listened to her breathe, he could smell her hair and perfume, he was very aware of how close she was to him.
"Obi Wan," she ventured, "is everything alright?"
"Yes, m'lady," Obi Wan managed. "I'm sorry, it's just that it feels good to be here. It's relaxing, I'm able to leave my grief behind."
Cassiopeia smiled, "Oh I'm glad. Can I get you something to drink?"
"No, thank you, I'm fine."
"I have something to show you," she said hesitantly. "I'm not sure how you'll take it, but I was curious after our conversation today and I couldn't help myself."
"What is it?" Obi Wan tried to get a feel for what was coming, and couldn't.
Cassiopeia brought him a stack of papers.
"It's your parents, Obi Wan," she searched his face for emotion. "It's information about your family."
Unbelievable emotion welled up within him unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He put the papers on the couch next to him without looking at them and got up. He was furious with her, yet he was also not. He wanted to read about his family, his parents, maybe even brothers or sisters, he wanted to read all about them and know them. But getting to know them would lead to a longing to meet them, and that he knew he could never do. Obi Wan walked to the window and watched the rain beat against it.
"Where did you get it?" he finally asked.
"From the Jedi archives. Besides being a good counselor, I'm also good with computers. I seem to have a knack for being able to get into restricted files," she paused and moved to stand just behind him. Cassiopeia put her hand on his shoulder. "I know your real name, your birth name."
Obi Wan turned to look into her eyes.
"Why did you do this? Why should I know this?" he pleaded with her.
Cassiopeia reached up to touch his face. The stubble from his unshaven cheek was rough against her smooth skin. She wondered what it would be like to feel that cheek rub against hers and quickly put the thought out of her mind lest Obi Wan be able to feel what she was thinking.
"I don't know," she whispered at last, looking into his clear blue eyes. "I guess part of me was just curious and wanted to know and part of me thinks you should be able to have the information if you want it. I guess I am just fascinated by you and I wanted to know all I could. I want to know where you came from, who you are, everything."
Cassiopeia leaned closer to Obi Wan until he could feel her lips brush against his ear. "I want to know everything about you....Ben," she whispered the name in his ear.
Obi Wan gave in and kissed her then, her mouth tasted sweeter than he had imagined. He pressed her body against his and they remained locked together for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally Obi Wan pulled away from her. He was reeling from the emotion he felt for her. It seemed that every emotion was coursing through him at that instant; love, lust, fear, anger, but also pain. He was in terrible pain.
"Cassi," he said at last, "I can't do this. I am a Jedi and I cannot love you."
Cassiopeia turned away from him. "I know. I'm sorry. I should never have behaved the way I have today. This is all my fault, I'm..."she paused and turned back to look at him. "What did you just call me?"
"Cassi," he said.
She smiled. "That's the first time you've said my name today," she said. "And you called me the nickname that my father used to call me." Cassiopeia smiled ruefully. "Ben, I'm sorry. I should never have been so forward, I don't know what's come over me. Maybe I'm just fatigued from my journey. I apologize, it won't happen again."
Obi Wan was touched by her words, she was attempting to take full responsibility for it all. He took her in his arms and held her close.
"Cassi, don't. Don't blame yourself. This is my fault, not yours. I am a Jedi and I should have better control over my emotions," he paused. "It's just that I cannot explain the way I feel about you."
Cassiopeia lifted her head to look at him. "I agree," she said. "I feel a bond with you, almost as if you and I were destined to be together. We understand each other and we share so much in common."
He touched her face, felt the warmth of her cheek. Cassiopeia raised her face towards his and Obi Wan leaned down to kiss her.
Suddenly, he pulled away. He strode to where his cloak was hanging, put it on, and looked back at her.
"We just can't," he sighed. "I've taken my oath with the Jedi Order. There's no possible way you and I can be together."
Cassiopeia nodded and looked at him. Obi Wan's face looked exhausted. She remembered his comment about not sleeping. He seemed worn, weary and grief- stricken. He turned and headed out the door into the rain.
Despite her head warning her to stop, Cassiopeia followed her heart and Obi Wan out into the driving rain. The cold drops stung her warm skin. Obi Wan was almost already to his speeder when she caught up to him. Both of them were soaked through from the rain.
"Wait, Obi Wan, Ben," she called. Cassiopeia looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. "I know we shouldn't love each other. I know we shouldn't be close and learn more about each other. But tonight when I look at you I see your pain I see your grief and I just want to make you feel better. I want to help you. Please, just come in I'll make you some warm tea to help you sleep. We can just talk. Talk about anything or nothing, it doesn't matter. I just want to be near you, I want to help you sleep, help you feel better."
Her words were coming fast, trying to convince not only Obi Wan but herself that having him come back inside was a good idea. Obi Wan watched the rain cascading over her. She crossed her arms about herself and shivered now as she spoke. He saw she wasn't wearing a cloak and he took his off and placed it over her shoulders. That stopped her torrent of words and she looked up into his eyes and smiled.
Suddenly, Obi Wan didn't care anymore. He didn't care about the Jedi Council or the Order or his oath to them. He was sad and alone, missing the guidance of his Master. Obi Wan was tired of being strong and level headed and for just a moment he longed for the warmth, comfort and protection that Cassiopeia offered. He was just so tired. There was something about her, something that drew him to her. She saw him as a man, not just as a Jedi. She saw him as a breathing, living, emotional being, not as a controlled, rational, impersonal Jedi. Never before in his life had Obi Wan been seen as Cassiopeia saw him now. No other being had ever tried to know him as anything other than a Jedi.
She knows my name, he thought, my true, given name. I can't believe she took the time to find it out. I can't believe that she cares that much.
Obi Wan looked deep into her eyes and sensed how much she cared for him and wanted to help him. He put his fingers under her chin and tilted her head up. Obi Wan 'Ben' Kenobi leaned down and kissed Cassiopeia. With the kiss she seemed to melt into him. He leaned down, put an arm under her legs, and picked her up. As he carried her into the house, Obi Wan cleared his mind of everything but the here and now. He quieted all of the voices in his head; Qui Gon and Master Yoda both telling him repeatedly to 'stop and think', and his own voice repeating the Jedi Oath over and over again. Cassiopeia smiled at him then and whispered, "It's alright, Ben. It'll be alright."
As Obi Wan lay her down on the lounge, kissing her and running his hands through her hair, all he sensed was warmth and comfort and belonging.
"Stop this," he told himself. "Concentrate."
Obi Wan closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. He searched for comfort through the Force. His emotions troubled him. Obi Wan had always been level headed and controlled, even as a young Padawan learner under Qui Gon's tutelage. He had always been able to keep his emotions and feelings under control and their suddenness and fierceness now was alarming.
There was so much he wanted to discuss with Qui Gon; the Jedi Council's upcoming decision regarding the training of Anakin Skywalker, the changes to the Republic with the election of Senator Palpatine as Chancellor, and the ramifications of the Trade Federation's disregard for the Republic's laws. But Obi Wan would never again be able to seek the advice of his Master and friend. Indeed, Qui Gon had been what Obi Wan imagined a father must be like; always there to guide him and speak to him and pick him up and encourage him when he failed. Obi Wan would never forget his greatest failure though; when he had allowed himself to be separated from Qui Gon as they had fought the Sith Lord. If only he had been stronger, fought harder, he wouldn't have gotten separated from Qui Gon and the Sith; if only he...
"I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Master Jedi," said an angelic voice from beside him. "I know what it's like to lose a father."
Obi Wan's reverie had been so intense that he hadn't even heard anyone else come into the room; even worse, he hadn't been able to feel anyone enter the room through the Force. What was wrong with him?
"Thank you," he muttered without turning to look at the owner of that beautiful voice. "However I'm not a Jedi Knight as of yet."
"Certainly you are," the voice replied. "Just because the Jedi Council hasn't officially bestowed the honor on you doesn't mean anything. Only a true Jedi Master could have defeated that terrible demon."
Obi Wan knew she was speaking of the Sith Lord. He was surprised by her words. Only Qui Gon had ever been as forthright and encouraging with him. The comfort Obi Wan had been searching for through the Force finally enveloped him. But it came through this woman's words, not the Force and it was a comfort he had never felt before. Obi Wan turned to view his very wise companion for the first time.
"Oh, good evening, Counselor," he greeted Cassiopeia and he bowed when he saw it was her.
"Please, don't bow," she beseeched Obi Wan. "I'm not the Queen nor the Senator."
"But you are the Queen's head advisor. I know that Queen Amidala doesn't make any decision until after conferring with you," said Obi Wan. "You give her great guidance and counsel."
"Not recently, I'm afraid."
Cassiopeia had taken a much-needed vacation to visit her family just before the Trade Federation had taken control of the planet. Obi Wan had never actually met Cassiopeia, but Queen Amidala had spoken of her court advisor, her 'Counselor' so frequently and fervently during the occupation that he felt he already knew Cassiopeia very well.
"I failed her when she needed me the most. She may have come out victorious but I wasn't there for her." Cassiopeia sighed and turned to look out at the lights of Theed burning bright into the coming darkness. "I fear that she will come to the conclusion that she doesn't really need me anymore."
"Not only are you Queen Amidala's advisor, but you're also her friend," Obi Wan observed. "And she'll always need you near her."
Cassiopeia turned back to him and smiled. Obi Wan was struck by how truly beautiful she was. She had long, waist-length curly red hair that today was piled atop her head and piercing crystal blue eyes that serenely took in everything around her. For a fleeting instant, Obi Wan wondered what it would feel like to thrust his hands into her hair, to smell its scent, and to lose himself in it. He shook his head wondering where that thought came from.
"What is it?" she asked him.
"I keep losing myself in my thoughts," he admitted. "I need to remember my Master's counsel, 'remain in the here and now'."
"I wish I could've been here to have met Qui Gon," she said, glancing at his body. Tomorrow he would be burned, as was the Jedi's custom with their dead. "He must've been a great man to have taught you so well. I've heard all about your battle with the Sith Lord." She paused. "At least I've heard as much as you've told Amidala. I'd enjoy the chance to hear it for myself. If you have the time before you must leave, that is."
Obi Wan was delighted at the chance to speak more with her. "Of course," he replied. "If you are not too tired from your journey, I would delight in your company this evening. I will probably not be able to sleep much again anyway."
A frown creased her forehead. "You blame yourself for Qui Gon's death." It was a statement, not a question. "You shouldn't. From what Padme, Queen Amidala, said, after the Sith Lord kicked you over the railing of the catwalk, Qui Gon followed him down the catwalk away from you. In my opinion, Qui Gon should have waited until you had recovered from your attack so you could have pursued the Sith together." Cassiopeia paused, and worried that perhaps Obi Wan would take offense to her words, that he would think she was speaking poorly of the deceased. "However," she concluded, "hind sight is always 20-20, isn't it?"
Again Obi Wan found comfort in her words. These were the same thoughts that he'd had himself. He didn't understand Qui Gon's actions. How many times had Obi Wan questioned Qui Gon with these thoughts over the last three days? He turned his attention back to Cassiopeia; he didn't want her to think her words had upset him in any way, for they hadn't.
"Very true, Counselor," he said, "you see, you do give good advice."
Cassiopeia smiled at him and suddenly, Obi Wan felt unsure of himself and insecure in her presence. He remembered the first words she had spoken to him.
"You mentioned that you have lost your father. What happened?"
Cassiopeia's blue eyes darkened in remembrance and sadness. "He was chief of security for the former Queen of Naboo. He uncovered a plot by the spice miners union to assassinate her. The laser blast that was meant for her hit him instead." Cassiopeia paused, remembering watching her father being hit in the chest as he stood in front of the Queen. "He always told her that he was her protector and would never let anything happen to her. He kept his promise to her, but not to his family. He promised us he would always be there for us. I miss him so." She hung her head.
"He was truly a great man," Obi Wan could certainly now understand her pain at losing him, but he also knew what was entailed in serving and protecting others. "You shouldn't doubt his love for you and your family. It must be difficult to be a man whose duty it is to protect others yet at the same time, to have a family that he has a duty to as well."
Cassiopeia smiled and moved slightly closer to Obi Wan. "You are very wise, Master Jedi. I appreciate your counsel. Don't misunderstand me, though, while I love and miss my father, I do comprehend his duty to serve the former Queen. Just as it is my duty to serve Queen Amidala. It's just that there are times when I feel selfish and I speak ill of his duty to serve," she sighed, knowing her fatigue from her journey was making her thoughts and words senseless. "I suppose that's why you Jedi are not allowed to have any personal attachments. It makes it more difficult to serve others unselfishly in dangerous situations when you are consistently worried about possibly not coming home to loved ones."
"Yes, I'm sure that was the reasoning behind the original Jedi Council's decision to forbid personal attachment," said Obi Wan. "That is part of the reason why a child is removed from their parents' home soon after being identified as having Jedi abilities. Most children are identified and removed within the first year after being born. That way, a Jedi grows up having no knowledge of their parents, therefore feeling no attachment to them."
"It sounds so cold when you state it that way, but I'm sure you are right. It would be much more difficult to be an older child and taken away from your beloved parents to be trained as a Jedi."
Obi Wan thought then of Anakin, the nine year old boy that Qui Gon had rescued from slavery, the boy who had the highest midichlorian count of any identified Jedi, the boy whom his Master thought would fulfill the age-old prophecy and bring balance to the Force, the boy who was high-spirited and unpredictable, and the boy who desperately missed his mother.
"Yes," Obi Wan replied, "I would think it would be very difficult."
"What of your own parents, Master Jedi? What do you know of them?" Cassiopeia asked.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
Cassiopeia shook her head. "Do you ever wonder about them?"
Obi Wan smiled gently. "Not until now."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Cassiopeia took Obi Wan's hand in her own without thinking. "I didn't mean to cause you anguish."
Obi Wan was very aware of his hand being held in hers, her soft warm light touch. "No worries," was all he could manage to utter.
Cassiopeia let his hand go then and turned to him. "I realize that I don't even know your name. Queen Amidala only spoke of you as Jedi Kenobi."
"My name is Obi Wan, m'lady," he bowed again, "Obi Wan Kenobi at your service."
She smiled and returned his bow. "Obi Wan?" she mused. "What kind of name is Obi Wan?"
"The name I was given when I was brought to the Jedi Temple on Courasant. I was eight months old, or so I'm told."
"I wonder what name your parents gave to you," Cassiopeia said meeting his gaze. She held it for a minute then seemed to remember something. "I'm sorry, Master Kenobi, I must return to my home to make sure all is in place there but I look forward to conversing with you more this evening. Will you come to my residence later?"
Obi Wan was surprised by her forwardness then decided maybe it was normal behavior. It wasn't as if he was up to date on the customs of men and women and what was appropriate and what wasn't.
"I'll be there," he said.
Cassiopeia had been equally surprised by her own forwardness in inviting the Jedi to her home, but she was almost shocked when he actually accepted her invitation, shocked yet elated.
"Good," she smiled her sweet smile. "I'll see you soon."
With that, she was gone.
Obi Wan, alone again with his Master, mused on his feelings for this woman. Never before in his entire life had he felt this way, this longing to just be near her. He wondered why his emotions had run away with him. What was it about her that had him so fascinated? She was beautiful, yes, but he had seen many beautiful females before, some human some not. But with Cassiopeia he felt drawn to her as if they shared a special bond. Almost as if without her, he couldn't survive. Obi Wan didn't understand these feelings. He had always been faithful to the Jedi Order and had never questioned their rules. He thought of his and Cassiopeia's conversation dealing with one's duty to serve and how personal attachment can make that difficult.
"Well," he spoke to Qui Gon, wishing that his Master could answer him, "there will be no harm in conversing with her. She gives me comfort, Master, the kind of comfort I have only felt with you."
Cassiopeia mulled over her actions and feelings as she sat in the passenger seat of the speeder. One of the Queen's security officers was escorting her home. She leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes. She could see Obi Wan's face, see the sadness in his eyes. Cassiopeia remembered her own heart-shattering grief when her father, her mentor, her friend had been killed. She remembered her depression, not sleeping, not eating, refusing to see anyone, shutting everyone and everything away for weeks until finally her friend Padme Amidala, then only an intern in the Governor's office, had sat up all night with her talking and laughing and forcing Cassiopeia to begin feeling again. Cassiopeia smiled as she remembered Padme's ridiculous jokes she had told that night to get a reaction from her.
While she knew that Qui Gon wasn't Obi Wan's father, he was as close to a father figure as a Jedi could get. Cassiopeia had studied the Jedi Order for a long time; as a whole they fascinated her. She struggled to comprehend the Force and the way a Jedi was able to use the Force to sense, see and feel things. Cassiopeia had come into contact with many Jedi through her position as the Queen's advisor. Nearly all of them were calm, collected, level headed, polite, and showed little or no emotion. This was the first time she had ever met one who seemed to be fighting to control his emotions. But that was to be expected, mused Cassiopeia, Obi Wan had just lost someone very close to him.
However, there was more to Cassiopeia's curiosity about Obi Wan than just his emotional state. She had to admit that she was attracted to him. He looked to be about her age and he was quite handsome. She thought of his smile and the stubble on his cheeks, the way his knee-high leather boots squeaked as he moved, how his Jedi parka seemed to meld to his muscular shoulders. She was sure that he felt an attraction toward her as well. Cassiopeia was used to male beings' attentions. She knew that she was attractive but she rarely used her beauty to her benefit. Because of her position, she hardly ever dated besides, so many males were intimidated by her position and beauty as well that often she just didn't have the opportunity. But this man understood what it meant to have massive responsibilities. He seemed comfortable around her and she with him. But Cassiopeia knew it could also be dangerous to get to know Obi Wan better. He had taken the Jedi Oath and he was not permitted to form attachments.
It isn't fair, Cassi thought. I finally meet a wonderful man but I can't have him. It's a good thing he'll be leaving soon so that I will not be tempted to do something I shouldn't.
Cassiopeia sighed and opened her eyes. She noticed that it was starting to sprinkle, drops misted onto the speeder's windshield. Maybe the rain would keep Obi Wan from visiting her. She certainly hoped not. The Jedi as a whole fascinated her and this one in particular. While she knew it could be harmful to them both, she wanted to learn about him, know him, who he was, what he thought about, what his opinions on different issues were. Cassiopeia smiled as she thought that she also wanted to know what he looked like underneath that Jedi garb! She knew she should probably wear her hair up and a professional gown as she usually did in her position. But she was so tired from her journey and she just wanted to be comfortable. Cassiopeia didn't think the Jedi would mind.
Cassiopeia promised herself to be on her best behavior.
Obi Wan arrived at Cassiopeia's home feeling better then he had felt in a long time, especially the last few days, despite the rain. She greeted him with that amazing smile and she hung up his cloak to dry.
"It's raining hard?" she asked.
"Not bad."
He sat on her lounge and when she sat next to him, knees to one side and feet underneath her, he could smell her perfume in the air. Tonight her fiery hair tumbled about her shoulders and down her back. She wore a simple yet elegant gown, loose fitting and long. Her face was scrubbed and shone like an angel's when she looked at him.
Obi Wan tried to flee inside himself, to lose his thoughts in the living Force, 'concentrate' he heard his Master say. But having Cassiopeia this close was intoxicating. He listened to her breathe, he could smell her hair and perfume, he was very aware of how close she was to him.
"Obi Wan," she ventured, "is everything alright?"
"Yes, m'lady," Obi Wan managed. "I'm sorry, it's just that it feels good to be here. It's relaxing, I'm able to leave my grief behind."
Cassiopeia smiled, "Oh I'm glad. Can I get you something to drink?"
"No, thank you, I'm fine."
"I have something to show you," she said hesitantly. "I'm not sure how you'll take it, but I was curious after our conversation today and I couldn't help myself."
"What is it?" Obi Wan tried to get a feel for what was coming, and couldn't.
Cassiopeia brought him a stack of papers.
"It's your parents, Obi Wan," she searched his face for emotion. "It's information about your family."
Unbelievable emotion welled up within him unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He put the papers on the couch next to him without looking at them and got up. He was furious with her, yet he was also not. He wanted to read about his family, his parents, maybe even brothers or sisters, he wanted to read all about them and know them. But getting to know them would lead to a longing to meet them, and that he knew he could never do. Obi Wan walked to the window and watched the rain beat against it.
"Where did you get it?" he finally asked.
"From the Jedi archives. Besides being a good counselor, I'm also good with computers. I seem to have a knack for being able to get into restricted files," she paused and moved to stand just behind him. Cassiopeia put her hand on his shoulder. "I know your real name, your birth name."
Obi Wan turned to look into her eyes.
"Why did you do this? Why should I know this?" he pleaded with her.
Cassiopeia reached up to touch his face. The stubble from his unshaven cheek was rough against her smooth skin. She wondered what it would be like to feel that cheek rub against hers and quickly put the thought out of her mind lest Obi Wan be able to feel what she was thinking.
"I don't know," she whispered at last, looking into his clear blue eyes. "I guess part of me was just curious and wanted to know and part of me thinks you should be able to have the information if you want it. I guess I am just fascinated by you and I wanted to know all I could. I want to know where you came from, who you are, everything."
Cassiopeia leaned closer to Obi Wan until he could feel her lips brush against his ear. "I want to know everything about you....Ben," she whispered the name in his ear.
Obi Wan gave in and kissed her then, her mouth tasted sweeter than he had imagined. He pressed her body against his and they remained locked together for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally Obi Wan pulled away from her. He was reeling from the emotion he felt for her. It seemed that every emotion was coursing through him at that instant; love, lust, fear, anger, but also pain. He was in terrible pain.
"Cassi," he said at last, "I can't do this. I am a Jedi and I cannot love you."
Cassiopeia turned away from him. "I know. I'm sorry. I should never have behaved the way I have today. This is all my fault, I'm..."she paused and turned back to look at him. "What did you just call me?"
"Cassi," he said.
She smiled. "That's the first time you've said my name today," she said. "And you called me the nickname that my father used to call me." Cassiopeia smiled ruefully. "Ben, I'm sorry. I should never have been so forward, I don't know what's come over me. Maybe I'm just fatigued from my journey. I apologize, it won't happen again."
Obi Wan was touched by her words, she was attempting to take full responsibility for it all. He took her in his arms and held her close.
"Cassi, don't. Don't blame yourself. This is my fault, not yours. I am a Jedi and I should have better control over my emotions," he paused. "It's just that I cannot explain the way I feel about you."
Cassiopeia lifted her head to look at him. "I agree," she said. "I feel a bond with you, almost as if you and I were destined to be together. We understand each other and we share so much in common."
He touched her face, felt the warmth of her cheek. Cassiopeia raised her face towards his and Obi Wan leaned down to kiss her.
Suddenly, he pulled away. He strode to where his cloak was hanging, put it on, and looked back at her.
"We just can't," he sighed. "I've taken my oath with the Jedi Order. There's no possible way you and I can be together."
Cassiopeia nodded and looked at him. Obi Wan's face looked exhausted. She remembered his comment about not sleeping. He seemed worn, weary and grief- stricken. He turned and headed out the door into the rain.
Despite her head warning her to stop, Cassiopeia followed her heart and Obi Wan out into the driving rain. The cold drops stung her warm skin. Obi Wan was almost already to his speeder when she caught up to him. Both of them were soaked through from the rain.
"Wait, Obi Wan, Ben," she called. Cassiopeia looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. "I know we shouldn't love each other. I know we shouldn't be close and learn more about each other. But tonight when I look at you I see your pain I see your grief and I just want to make you feel better. I want to help you. Please, just come in I'll make you some warm tea to help you sleep. We can just talk. Talk about anything or nothing, it doesn't matter. I just want to be near you, I want to help you sleep, help you feel better."
Her words were coming fast, trying to convince not only Obi Wan but herself that having him come back inside was a good idea. Obi Wan watched the rain cascading over her. She crossed her arms about herself and shivered now as she spoke. He saw she wasn't wearing a cloak and he took his off and placed it over her shoulders. That stopped her torrent of words and she looked up into his eyes and smiled.
Suddenly, Obi Wan didn't care anymore. He didn't care about the Jedi Council or the Order or his oath to them. He was sad and alone, missing the guidance of his Master. Obi Wan was tired of being strong and level headed and for just a moment he longed for the warmth, comfort and protection that Cassiopeia offered. He was just so tired. There was something about her, something that drew him to her. She saw him as a man, not just as a Jedi. She saw him as a breathing, living, emotional being, not as a controlled, rational, impersonal Jedi. Never before in his life had Obi Wan been seen as Cassiopeia saw him now. No other being had ever tried to know him as anything other than a Jedi.
She knows my name, he thought, my true, given name. I can't believe she took the time to find it out. I can't believe that she cares that much.
Obi Wan looked deep into her eyes and sensed how much she cared for him and wanted to help him. He put his fingers under her chin and tilted her head up. Obi Wan 'Ben' Kenobi leaned down and kissed Cassiopeia. With the kiss she seemed to melt into him. He leaned down, put an arm under her legs, and picked her up. As he carried her into the house, Obi Wan cleared his mind of everything but the here and now. He quieted all of the voices in his head; Qui Gon and Master Yoda both telling him repeatedly to 'stop and think', and his own voice repeating the Jedi Oath over and over again. Cassiopeia smiled at him then and whispered, "It's alright, Ben. It'll be alright."
As Obi Wan lay her down on the lounge, kissing her and running his hands through her hair, all he sensed was warmth and comfort and belonging.