Jane
by TeeJay
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Author's Note:
This is another prequel to the story "Butterflies" and it sheds light on something that happened between Adam and his then girlfriend Layla in college. Lately Deb and I have been talking a lot about Adam and Joan's exes, and I felt that I had to give this some more substance in order for people to grasp what we will be writing about in future Butterflies chapters. So jump on-board the time machine and take a trip with us.
You don't need to know the story "Butterflies" to be to able to understand this, but I won't deny that it'll help you grasp what's really going on if you've read it, especially the last chapter we posted, 'Out On A Limb'. For those who don't know Butterflies, Joan and Adam never got back together after season two. Finishing high school, Joan stayed in Arcadia to go to community college and Adam accepted a scholarship in art and went to Rhode Island School of Design where he met Layla.
Thanks to Deb for the tweaking and tweezing. :o)
Synopsis:
Adam and his college girlfriend hit the skids because of unfinished business.
Rating: PG-13 for adult language.
Disclaimer:
These characters and settings are not mine. Nor am I claiming they are. (Well, except for Layla and Adam's dorm room.) They are property of CBS, Barbara Hall Productions, Sony or whoever else they might belong to. I'm not making any money out of this, although that would be really cool.
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"Adam?"
Layla speaking his name woke him from his reverie and he looked at her from where he was sitting at the desk. She was flopped across his bed in his cramped dorm room.
"I wanna tell you something that I've been afraid to for a long time."
"Why would you be afraid? You can say anything to me."
"Okay..." She hesitated, looking at him.
He gave her a slight nod to urge her to go on.
"I never said anything before because... well, when we first started going out and things got... physical, I knew you were still hung up on your old girlfriend. I thought it wouldn't matter at first because we were just having fun, right? But it's different now. And I can't... hold this in anymore. It's too big."
"You're scaring me," he murmured.
"Funny you should put it that way. Here's the thing... I love you, Adam. And I don't mean like a friend with benefits, or whatever you wanna call it."
He hadn't expected that. He had no idea what to say.
"I know you don't love me."
"I—" he tried to contradict her. But could he? Really?
She studied him in silence for a moment. "It's okay. I knew. A girl can tell."
"But..."
"But what? You really care about me and of course the sex is great?"
He looked down at his hands where they rested on the desk. "I really do love you," he said quietly, almost defensively, with little hope that he could give her what she was asking for.
"Yeah, but not the way I love you. Not the way you love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with." Before he could say anything, she added softly, "Please be honest with me. I don't wanna hear some half-assed lie only because you don't wanna hurt my feelings."
He breathed out a long sigh. "Honestly? I don't know."
Her face fell, it was exactly what she had expected. "If you loved me, you'd know."
His gaze dropped to the floor. He was unable to meet her eyes, unable to say anything meaningful.
She felt tears prickling in her eyes, but she forced herself to go on. "I think we should end this. Right here. Tonight."
She couldn't mean that. He knew she loved him, he could see it in her eyes when they spent the whole night talking, feel it blazing in her touch when they were intimate. And he did love her, in his own way. But did he truly love her, from the bottom of his heart, the way she wanted him to? He had to admit to himself that the answer was no.
The idea of her not being there anymore terrified him. "I don't want to," he whispered.
"I don't want to either. But if this is how it's gonna be, I can't do it anymore."
"What do you mean? What did I do? I can fix it."
Tears started to trickle down her cheeks as she spoke. "There's nothing to fix. I fell, you didn't. It's pretty simple really. I can't be in love with you and stay with you when I know you don't feel the same way. I don't wanna be your fuck buddy, Adam—"
"What?" he interjected. "What are you talking about? Fuck buddy... You're so much more to me than that."
She met his eyes briefly, waiting for him to elaborate. He didn't. Or couldn't.
"It is what it is," she said flatly. "And I want more than you're able to give."
"What can I do?" he pleaded. "Just tell me..."
"Nothing. You can't feel more than you feel. For a while, that was okay. I enjoy being with you so much, I just ignored it for as long as I could. But I don't know, lately every time we have sex, afterwards, I just lie there feeling like this... thing of ours, this relationship, or whatever it is, isn't really what you're looking for."
"Why would you think—?" He stopped, wracking his brain about why this was happening. "Layla, I'm happy with you. I thought we were doing great. You've kind of blind-sided me here."
"You see? Nothing's changed for you since the first few weeks we were dating."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Adam, we had sex on our third date. And we haven't really let up since. I know you like the way things are because that part has always been so good. But something did change for me, dammit. You need to understand that."
He tried to put himself in her position. He wondered if he'd have the strength to do what she was doing. His heart sank. He wanted to love her. He had always tried to make her feel loved. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. Maybe he just didn't know how to fake it.
"I hate this," he sighed.
"Me too."
"You're such a wonderful, beautiful woman. What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Stop kidding yourself, Adam. Please. You still love her."
He opened his mouth to deny it, but he couldn't. His voice was barely above a whisper when he finally did get some words out, "I don't wanna lose you."
"I know," she whispered back, more tears rolling down her face. "I don't wanna lose you either. But I'm gonna go insane if we keep doing this." A sob rose up her throat that she couldn't contain.
Adam watched her, feeling his own eyes fill with tears. He blinked them away and tried to overcome the impulse to take her in his arms and comfort her.
She got up from the bed and took her jacket.
"Please don't go," he begged. "Not right now."
At the door she turned around with her hand already on the knob. "I think I have to."
When he got up, he couldn't contain his own tears anymore. "No," he whispered. "Please."
She took a few steps towards him and suddenly kissed him on the mouth, and he could feel the salty taste of tears on his tongue. He didn't know if they were his or hers.
He just stood there, limp, his mind going blank. She really was serious about this.
She pulled back and told him, "Please don't be sad. You're an amazing guy. But you need to work out your stuff with Jane."
She turned again, and before she closed the door behind her, she said, "Goodbye, Adam."
He was rooted to the spot and it took him a few seconds to react. "Layla," he let out, but it was too late. She was already gone.
He stumbled back a few steps and sagged down on his bed, his shoulders slumped. He couldn't believe what had just happened.
It took him half an hour before his mind stopped reeling and it finally sank in. Layla was absolutely fucking right. This shit could not go on. Limply, he reached for his cell phone on the nightstand and opened it. His thumb hovered over the keys as he brought up Joan's number. He couldn't bring himself to push the "dial" button. She was the one person he most needed to talk to, but what could he say? How could he tell her that his girlfriend just broke up with him because he still wasn't over her? It was too much.
His thumb hit the scroll-up button until he reached the letter G. A quick push onto the "dial" button connected him to the number he read on the screen.
"Hello?"
"Grace?" he asked.
"Rove, what's up? Long time, no see."
"I, uh..." he could only stammer.
She must have read his mood even through the few words he uttered. "Is everything okay?"
"No," he sighed. "Layla broke up with me."
Grace didn't know what to say.
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