ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CHAPTER- EVEN THOSE BASED IN REAL LIFE- ARE WRITTEN TERRIBLY. ALL CELEBRITY WRITTEN ARE IMPERSONATED… POORLY. THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND IT SHOULD NOT BE READ, REVIEWED, FAVORITED OR FOLLOWED BY ANYONE.
(South Park theme song starts to play. Show Trevor, Michael, Franklin and Brad being formed at the bus stop. Lester appears playing a guitar)
Lester (singing): I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time. (Bus pulls up, picking Trevor, Michael, Franklin and Brad up)
Franklin and Michael (singing): Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation.
Lester (singing): I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Trevor (singing): Ample parking day or night, people spouting: "Howdy, neighbor!"
Lester (singing): Headin' on up to South Park gonna see if I can't unwind. (Bus pulls up at the South Park Elementary school, Trevor, Michael, Franklin and Brad getting off)
Brad (singing, muffled): I like girls with big fat titties, I like girls with deep vaginas!
Lester (singing): So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.
(Trevor, Michael, Franklin and Brad singing): School days, school days teacher's golden… (Suddenly Franklin's brother appears)
Franklin: Damn it, my little brother's trying to follow me to school again! Ike you can't come to school with me!
Trevor: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!
Franklin: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Michael: What's a dildo?
Franklin: I don't know and I'll be betting that T doesn't know, either.
Trevor: I know what it means!
Franklin: Well, what?
Trevor: I'm not telling you.
Michael: What's a dildo Brad?
Brad (muffled): It's a little plastic dick that goes into a vaginas. (Trevor and Michael start to laugh)
Trevor: Yeah, that's what Franklin's little brother is. (Franklin picking up Ike and hitting Trevor with him)
Michael: Dude! That kicks ass!
Franklin: Yeah! Check is one out! Ready Ike? Kick the baby.
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Franklin: Kick the baby! (Kicks Ike across the road, Ike landing into a mailbox. Trevor lets out a yawn)
Michael: Whoa, T, looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Trevor: That's 'cause I was having these bogus nightmares.
Franklin: Really? What about?
Trevor: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. Then slowly my bedroom door began to open and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway! Then I was lying on a table and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me! And they had big heads and big, black eyes-
Michael: Dude visitors!
Franklin: Totally!
Trevor: What?
Michael: That wasn't a dream T. Those were visitors.
Trevor: No, it was just a dream. My ma said so!
Michael: Visitors are real!
Franklin: Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows!
Trevor: Shut up, you guys, you're just trying to make me scared and it's not working. (Chef's car pulls up, Chef climbing out)
Chef: Hello there, children.
Trevor, Michael, Franklin: Hey Chef.
Michael: What's gonna be for lunch today Chef?
Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green-bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Trevor: Kick-ass!
Chef: Say, did any of you children see the alien spaceship last night?
Trevor: What?
Franklin (pointing to Trevor): Yeah, crackhead saw it!
Trevor: No! That was just a dream! And I'm not a crackhead, I just like to get high, once in awhile!
Chef: Oh, was it the ones with the big, long heads and black eyes? (Trevor looks like he's about to shit himself)
Michael: They took him on their ship!
Chef (looking worried): Did they give you an anal probe?
Franklin: What's an anal probe?
Chef: That's when they put this big metal hoopajoo up your butt.
Franklin: They gave you an anal probe, T?
Trevor: No! I mean, why would they do that?
Michael: Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
Trevor: No!
Ike: Anal probe.
Trevor: Shut up dildo!
Chef: Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that crack head now. He could be under alien control. (Chef turns back to his car, on the back if his shirt is an alien's head with Believe written under it. Trevor's jaw drops in shock. Chef gets in his car and then drives off.)
Franklin: We told you that they were real, T. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Trevor: God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream! (Bus pulls up. Franklin notices that Trevor is walking funny)
Franklin: Why are you walking funny, T?
Trevor: SHUT UP!
(Ike runs over to Franklin)
Franklin: No Ike! Go home! This is it! This one's for the game. Kick the baby! (Franklin kicks Ike sending him flying through the window of the bus and out another window)
Michael: Good morning, Ms Crabtree.
Ms Crabtree: Sit down! We're running late! (Bus drives off, leaving Ike at the bus stop. Franklin looking out the back window)
Franklin: Damn it! He's still there!
Michael: Oh, don't worry about him.
Franklin: No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me!
Ms Crabtree: Sit down back there! (Screams)
Michael: Yeah, whatever, you fat bitch.
Ms Crabtree: What did you say?!
Michael: I said that I had a bad itch!
Ms Crabtree: Oh.
Franklin: Oh my God! (Shows Ike being taken away by aliens)
Michael: Visitors! (Brad let's out a muffled scream and pulls on the strings on his hood, hiding the rest of his face, but not his eyes)
Franklin: Ike! Stop the bus! (Runs down to front of the bus) Ms Crabtree, you have to stop the bus!
Ms Crabtree: Do you want a office referral?
Franklin: No.
Ms Crabtree: THEN SIT DOWN!
Franklin: But I- (Ms Crabtree screams at him, Franklin screams back, Ms Crabtree scream again. Franklin runs down to the back of the bus screaming)
Michael: T, are those the same visitors you saw?
Trevor: Shut up you guys! It's not working!
Franklin: We have to do something!
Michael: Well, we can't do anything for now. That fat bitch won't let us.
Ms Crabtree: What did you say?!
Michael: I said that rabbits eat lettuce!
Ms Crabtree: Well, yes, they certainly do.
Franklin: What am I going to do? My little brother is being abducted by aliens. (Michael farts) You farted! (Michael and Franklin start to laugh)
Trevor: Somebody's baking brownies.
At a cattle ranch…
Farmer: That's the third cow this month. (Points to the bones of a cow, laying in a pool of blood). At this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.
Benson: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Farmer: People have been saying they've seeing UFOs around.
Benson: UFOs? (Starts to laugh)
Farmer: Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
Benson: That's the silliest thing I've heard. (6 black CIA helicopters go flying over Benson and the farmer)
Farmer: What was that?
Benson: That was a pigeon.
Farmer: What am I supposed to do Benson? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?
(Show aliens that are hiding behind a tree. One of them holds some hay up, whistling to the cattle. Cows start mooing and run off)
Farmer: Hey my cattle! You see? There is something funny going on.
Benson: There is nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
South Park elementary…
Mr Garrison (holding a puppet on his hand): And now, children, our friend Mr Hat is going to tell us about Christoper Columbus. (Changes his voice, to a slightly high pitched voice) That's right Mr Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglass and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon, and discovered France.
Franklin (quietly): Oh man, I can't just sit here! I have to help my stupid brother or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother Franklin? You weren't looking out for your brother Franklin!"
Michael (quietly): Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
Franklin: "You know he can't think on his own, Franklin. Brush and floss Franklin! Where has the finger been, Franklin?"
Michael: Dude!
Mr Garrison: Is there a problem boys?
Franklin: Yes Mr Garrison, I need to go now.
Mr Garrison: Oh, really, Franklin? What is it this time? Another prostate tumour?
Franklin: No, my little brother has being abducted by aliens. It's true, ask T! They gave him an anal probe!
(Trevor laughs nervously) Trevor: That's a little joke.
Franklin: Mr Garrison, seriously, I have to go! Can I please be excused from class?
Mr Garrison: I don't know Franklin. Did you ask Mr Hat?
Franklin: I don't want to ask Mr Hat! I'm asking you!
Mr Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr Hat.
Franklin: Mr Hat, may I be excused from class?
Mr Garrison (changes voice): Well, Franklin, no! You hear me? You go to hell! You go to hell and die! (Changes voice back to normal). Guess you'll have to take your seat Franklin.
Franklin: Damn it!
Trevor: Ha-ha! Mr Hat yelled at you! (Suddenly farts fire) My ass!
Michael: Damn T! (Trevor keeps farting fire)
Trevor: MY ASS!
Franklin: Dude, he's farting fire!
Michael: It's the alien anal probe! It's shooting fire from Trevor's rectum!
Trevor: No that was a dream!
Mr Garrison: Trevor, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?
Trevor: No, Mr Garrison. I'm fine. (Farts more fire, setting one of the kids on fire. Kid starts to run around the room, screaming)
At a train station…
(Heaps of cows are lined up to get on the train)
Train driver: Hey, you cows can't get on this train. This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right, 'cause you're cows. (Cows start to stare at him) No, no, no, don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right, 'cause it's not going to work. (Police sirens can be heard, Benson's police car pulls up)
Benson: Hold it right there, cows! (Cows run off in all sorts of different directions) Come back here! Damn it!
South Park elementary…
(Brad, Franklin,Michael and Trevor are lining up for lunch. Trevor is still farting fire)
Trevor: I sure am hungry.
Michael: How can you eat when you're farting fire?
Trevor: Shut up dude! You're being totally immature.
Franklin: Hey look! There's Amanda!
Michael (gasping): Where? (Romantic music starts to play as Michael sees Amanda. Little love hearts start to appear over his head)
Trevor (singing): Michael wants to kiss Amanda (Music stops)
Michael: Shut up crackhead! I don't even like her!
Trevor: I'm not a crackhead, and you obviously like her because you throw up everytime she talks to you.
Michael: I do not!
(Amanda walks over to where they are standing) Amanda: Hey guys.
Franklin and Trevor: Hi Amanda. (Amanda walks over Michael, holding a note)
Amanda: Here Michael, this is for you. (Michael throwing up) EW! (Hands Michael the note and quickly walks off)
Franklin and Trevor: Bye Amanda.
Franklin: Dude! What does the note say? (Michael reading the note)
Michael: Holy crap! It says that she wants to me at Stark's Pond after school.
Franklin: Maybe you can kiss her
Trevor: Or slip her the tongue.
Brad (muffled): Maybe you can touch her pussy.
Michael: What? How do you know she has a cat? (Brad starts to laugh, Franklin, Trevor and Michael joining in)
Franklin: Come on you guys we need to figure out how to get out of school, so we can get my little brother back. (Walks over to where the food is being served)
Chef: Hello there children
All: Hey Chef.
Chef: How are you doing?
Franklin: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Franklin: Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
Chef: Oh, children, children. That's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Hey let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up. (Starts to sing). I'm gonna make love to you woman. Gonna lay you down by the fire. And caress your woman body, make you moan and perspire.
Michael: Chef.
Chef (still singing): Gonna get those juices flowing.
Michael (a bit louder): Chef!
Chef (still singing): We're making love gravy, love gravy.
Michael (yelling): Chef!
Chef (still fucking singing): Love, love, love, love, love gravy.
Michael: CHEF! (Chef stops singing)
Chef: Do you feel better?
Franklin: No!
Chef: Oh come on children. What can be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day! (Holds a tray up)
Michael: Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef: What? (Drops the tray) What the hell do you think you're doing in school eating Salisbury steak? Go find him damn it!
Michael: Mr Garrison will not let us out of school. He thinks we are making it up.
Trevor: You are making it up! (Farts more fire, then a robot, with a eye appears out of Trevor's ass)
Michael: Whoa!
Trevor: What?
Franklin: That was cool!
Chef: It's some kind of symbiotic metamorphosis device. This could mean the visitors want to communicate with us!
Trevor: Oh, I see, now you're going to join in on the little joke, huh?
Chef: It's no joke, children! This is big!
Franklin: Please, Chef if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
Chef: Hold on, hold on now! You got to help the children!
Trevor: You guys sure are going a long way to try and scare me! I want my Salisbury steak! (Chef walks over to the fire alarm and pulls the handle down)
Chef: Fire drill! Fire drill, everybody out! Okay, children, this is your chance.
Michael: Killer! Thanks Chef! (Franklin, Brad, Trevor and Michael leave the school)