So I'm still going on my Scandal binge, especially after seeing the preview of Thursday's episode. So I have many many thoughts on Scandal, so thanks to anyone reading my rants in story form. Eventually I'll stop posting all of this, but for now, I probably won't stop, even if no one actually reads it. Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting now and actually study. Thanks again for reading.
"You're afraid that it was nothing.
That he's forgotten it already.
Tossed you like yesterday's paper and moved on without another thought.
And if he's forgotten, it's almost as if it never happened.
That what you had with him wasn't real.
And that makes you feel completely and utterly alone."
As Olivia said those words to Amanda Tanner, she realized how true they were for her. She couldn't stop replaying the moment in Camp David when he had denied sleeping with Amanda. He lied straight to her face without a care, and she believed every second. He played her. And it just made her wonder. How much did he say to her that was a lie? Or, more importantly, what she really wondered was if any of it had ever been true. It disgusted her to think of all the lines he threw around and how she just ate them right up. She believed it when he said he loved her. She believed it so much that she was willing to put up with being the president's whore. Cyrus was right, that's all she was. She knew that now. And now she started questioning everything. All the things he said to her, did he say them to Amanda too? It made her sick to think of him with Amanda, whispering every word she held as proof that what she had with him had been real. She could see every move, every kiss, every touch because it had once been her in his arms, clinging to the hope of false promises. She wondered if she and Amanda had been the only ones. She seriously doubted it now. She could clearly see that she wasn't special, that if she wasn't there, he would find someone else. How many others had he seduced? Duped? How many other women thought, like her, that he really cared, only to have their hearts shattered by the truth? She hadn't been unique. She was nothing to him. She was completely and utterly alone. And it was all her fault. She had believed him because she wanted to believe him. Because she wanted to believe that what they had was more. But even thinking about it brought back too many flashbacks. Too many memories she wanted to forget because even thinking about them mad her realize that she was still hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him.
She didn't really think about the first time. The first time just meant regret. The first time had been risky. They could have been caught. After the first time, she swore it wouldn't happen again. It only took her 2 weeks to break that resolution. Considering how she felt, that had felt like an eternity. She didn't like to think about the second time either. The stereotype of a sleazy politician's affair took over. It was definitely not something she was proud of. And considering all of the things regarding Fitz she had to be ashamed of, this one was obviously not one of her finest moments. Lust, hurried passion, thin walls, his wife and children so close to them-too much shame. It was only after that that the memories became too much to handle. After that, the memories were tinged with love. One day she loved to remember was his one day off during the campaign. Mellie and his kids were gone and they got to spend the whole day together. That day, it was almost like they were any other couple in love. They had just one day to be normal, but that one day was enough to sustain her through all the days of stolen kisses and sleazy sex against doorways, on office desks and in hotel rooms, where she always had to leave before sunrise, whenever his wife wasn't looking. Every "I love you" and "sweet baby" was enough to push through her doubts, her desires for more. That's why she couldn't think of this, couldn't see him. It just put her right back in that place where she was willing to do anything and be anything for him. He made her hate herself. What kind of person was she to be Mellie's friend for all of these years and still screw around with her husband? He was the president of the United States, and who was she to keep him from being a better man? But when he kissed her, none of that even mattered. No matter how many times he said he loved her and she ignored it, she couldn't stop herself from wanting him. But now, now he had broken her trust and had broken her heart. But the one thing he couldn't break was her. She was not broken and she would not let him break Amanda Tanner again.