An Unexpected Event by Batman100
Note: I do not own Super Smash Bros. or Nintendo. All properties, company rights and all rights reserved
Samus sat in the pub, drinking a cup of root beer. She was beat after a chaotic brawl with over a dozen red alloys and felt like she nearly wanted to vomit. She gazed around at the surroundings in the bar, saw a bunch of plastered men getting their brains fried by booze and a bearded man getting whipped by a drag queen wearing a Victorian wig. Oh that's disgusting. Seems like when people get themselves on the booze, they go bloody mad. Oy, Queen Elizabeth I would be spinning if she heard about all this rubbish. Samus muttered to herself before an enormous belch occurred, that shook the whole bar.
"What in the name of… LINK?! What are you doing here!" Samus shrieked in shock as the Hyrulian hero was indeed getting himself inebriated with over seven bottles of Guinness liquor. Apparently, the booze affected Link's brains also
"Heeeeyyy palsy-walsy. Hick. Hows about a little slug on the balls?" Link slurred drunkenly, drooling slime all over the floor. Samus recoiled in disgust. "Geez, you're shot." Samus flatly remarked.
"What's that you say, Harv? The old man's off his charley horse again?" Link babbled. Samus simply face-palmed and, grumbling to herself hoisted the drunken beyond repair hero and took him out the bar, shoving a drunk pimp through the window
"When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie…" Link blubbered as people passing by stared at him weirdly. "Please, for the love of God and all things carbonated and ginger ale, shut up!" Samus hissed
"Come fly with me, let's fly away, fly away with me…" Link blubbered before Samus completely blew her stack. Shrieking like a crazed goddess, the bounty huntress hurled Link to the ground, mauled him until he had a plastered ridiculous grin on his face and pulled him to the mansion by the legs, conveniently as Mario and Luigi were currently watching the constellations
"Mama Mia! What's-a wrong-a with-a Link?" Mario asked curiously as Link still had that stupid smile on his face as Samus kept walking
"Let's just say his match with Pit this morning may have resulted in some major, major mental damage." Samus replied as she finally opened the front door and shoved the drunk Hyrulian in before stepping in
"Heyyyy, nice pad, man. This is so groovy. Where are we gonna get high at?" Link mumbled as Samus flopped him on the couch before landing on her bed, exhausted
"Link… I'm only gonna say this once. You're drunk. You're tired after a seven-round brawl. You need to rest. Now. Shut. The. Fuck. Up." Samus snarled before her eyes rolled back into her head, plopped on the pillow and began to snore
"When the moon hits your eye…" Link muttered in a singsong voice. Samus grumbled an incoherent phrase and threw a pillow at Link, sending him into much-needed rest.
"Come on, Jonas Brothers… give me some hot pleasure…" Samus mumbled in her sleep, licking her lips
The next morning…
"Morning, Mario. Luigi. Bowser." Mewtwo replied pleasantly, greeting the three Mushroom Kingdom residents before sitting down and taking a bite of his bagel
"Morning, Mewtwo. Say did you see Link yesterday? That dude was drunk out of his gourd! Geez! I've never ever seen that much craziness since Lucario went on a beer binge after that one incident in Peach Town!" Bowser replied
"Yeah… I thought we wouldn't bring that up again. It was a bit embarrassing. And do not mention what happened that time at that winery…" Lucario winced, having been trying to keep that under wraps.
"Ahem, a-speaking of a-mentioning, look at-a who just woke-a up-a!" Mario exclaimed, as a wide-eyed, sluggish and nearly zombified Samus staggered in, muttering gibberish
"Holy Goomba Balls! What in God's name happened to you?!" Bowser asked in horror as Luigi and Mario helped the insomniac bounty huntress sit down
"mmmm… cream of wheat… grump…. Jeopardy… hrr hoe… buttercream banana pies." Samus gibbered, before planting her head on top of Mewtwo's bowl of oatmeal and started to snore
"Guess I'll have to go get some new oatmeal." Mewtwo replied in a deadpan expression, sauntering off as Samus snored loudly, blowing crumbs and bits of dandruff all over Lucario's fur.
"Eugh! Disgusting!" Lucario growled, rubbing it off before facing the plumbers "Gentlemen, it's very obvious Link is responsible for Samus' current state. Thus, as her closest companions, we have to fix this problem and fast."
"I completely agree on-a the-a idea! Let's a-go!" Mario replied valiantly. "All for one, and one for all!" The three echoed jubilantly
"Catch your knickers before they fall." Bowser joked, the three Smashers eyeing him strangely "What?"
Later…
With help from Bowser and a far too reluctant Ganon, Lucario, Mario and Luigi managed to help the insomnia-driven Samus slumber peacefully with the use of a Peach Blossom perfume and Hyrulian Bliss nightshade.
"Ok, we did the easy part. Now how the heck are we gonna convince ol' elf boy to come down here and hump her?" Ganon snapped, displaying his lack of patience
"Oh don't worry. I've got that all taken care of…" Lucario grinned, as Bowser's eyes widened in horror as to who the Pokemon was referring to
"You told him?!" Bowser roared, before a loud, ear-piercing crash echoed through the manor, followed by several thumping sounds and a dazed and flabbergasted Ike collapsing on the floor, with a far more flabbergasted- and still drunk Link muttering Gaelic gibberish
"Ike, do you have to be such a klutz! You could've almost killed Link! That elf owes me money after he agreed to do my manicure!" Ganon bellowed, as the Smashers stared at him. "What?"
"Uh…. Manicure? Ganon, is there something you're not telling us?" Bowser asked curiously before Ganon grasped the Koopa King by the throat and shook him silly
"YOU LISTEN TA ME, YA BLEEDING HYRULIAN SAXON GIT! I! AM NOT! GAY! I WILL NEVER BE GAY! SO UNLESS YA WANNA BE HANGED, KEEP YER BLOODY ARSE COMMENTS LOW!" Ganon roared, the loud rant snapping Samus out of her coma at once
"Unh… Mommy, did I… oversleep during my nap again?" Samus sleepily muttered, yawning as the Smashers eyed her weirdly "What? Ugh, ok so I do dream about my mother, ok? I'm a girl."
"Ok…" Ganon muttered in confusion. Bowser started to look pale. Samus slowly got up and scooped Link up
"Hey beautiful. You feeling sober?" Samus gently purred, as the Hero opened his eyes to smile as Samus placed her lips on his. The Smashers' jaws completely dropped in aghast at this sight. Mario and Luigi started babbling hommina over and over, Lucario was snapping photos on his Iphone, Bowser threw up in the garbage can, and Ganon simply collapsed on the floor
"Hey guys, I saw the lights on and… HOLY…" Sonic gasped when he saw the unthinkable: a fully naked Samus humping an amused Link, gasping in enjoyment as the bounty huntress sprayed sperm juices all over.
"I think I just saw my life flash like a large ball of fire." Ganon muttered monotone
"I think I'm gonna go gouge out my eyes for a sec…" Ike muttered, heading out
"And-a I think me-a and a-Luigi and a-Sonic are-a gonna stay and-a watch the-a entertainment!" Mario replied, munching on popcorn as he, Luigi and Sonic sat on the footstep, watching Samus and Link have anal intercourse.
"You guys have a very bizarre sense of entertainment, you know that?" Bowser grumbled in disgust.
"Well, when in Rome, do as the romans do." Sonic jokingly teased